I slept on a bed of nails for years,
And crawled across floors of broken glass.
I swallowed the stars nightly with the same wish in mind everytime.
Surviving is ******* ugly
But it doesn't scare me.
I'll display my grudges in a dainty little China cabinet until I'm ready to burn the bridge you built to me.

My entire body has been made and remade and deconstructed by little things I've picked up from different people along the way.
Different people create different feelings inside me and sometimes it's beautiful, and sometimes it ***** the life out of me.
Sometimes I get lost in the small fragments of new ideas and touch that I forget reality is where I'm supposed to live.
Sometimes it feels more natural to be in whatever kind of emotion limbo I've fallen into, than to try and swim back to the top and attempt to explain it to someone who won't ever see through my glass chest - and read the stories I've stored in there.

It's meant to be shared.

My therapist told me multiple times that our unhealed trauma wounds create a cycle where we obsessively recreate the damage we endured as children.
What a strange thought, that the worst pain I've ever felt is something my body forever remembers and wants to repeat it over and over.

I'm tired of her.

Ive always been the softest thing around me and every person who's buried themselves in me never even waited for an invite.

And then you were there
Totally perfect, and different
And I didn't feel worried about what you thought of me.

Then you kissed me just to kiss me.
And you told me I looked lovely.

They pollute me
And divide me
I felt watered down my whole life.

Then you kiss me
Pretty baby
Just to kiss me
Not to bring me to bed.

Everything's all of a sudden
Sweetness
It was simple
I don't wonder
I just kiss you to kiss you.

I wrote my own vows to myself today and it's full of memories - of picking ripe strawberries and eating the first one out of pure impatience for the juicy taste of summer to hit my tongue. Grass stains on my knees and elbows from rolling down dandelion littered hills. Sweat rolling down my back from running down the side walk after the ice cream truck. Hair wild and half falling out of my braids because my best friend and I spent the afternoon swinging on the swings, seeing who could fly higher and communicate with the birds. Climbing trees, up so high I can only hear my heartbeating in my ears.

The vows are a promise to keep these close to my heart and to never be anyone but that little girl who was always her wild self, could never keep her skirt down or her legs crossed at the ankles. Her socks always ***** and her shirt untucked.

That's when she's at her best. Her most beautiful and pure.

She's mine forever.

Sometimes I think back to every man who has ever touched me and I wonder why God decided to put me on this earth just to exist as an energy source for them.

I take the time to expose who actually am and I am met with eyes scanning my body and hands looking to insert themselves into any spot closest to making it's way inside my body.

They say it's what's inside that counts but if thats the truth the why is it the more inside they are, the less I want to even be here.

I am so hungry every single day
Every word I say takes a bit out of me and by the end of it all I'm left with an aching gut and a brain that can't think straight.
I can't eat because I'm sick
I'm sick because I can't eat enough
And the cycle repeats itself every 24 hours sometimes
I'm going insane.