Yesterday I felt over flowing and whole,
Today I feel like I am too much.
The cycle is forever I guess.

Manic me needs to suffocate for days to feel complete.
Small me needs a safe nest.

The bones are tired.

They're tired and they need you.

Sometimes they separate from body and take their time traveling across oceans and up over mountains,
Coming back to me with arms full of new things.

I'm running out of room.

I'll always be the nurterer and the comforter, the seat at the table that little humans call mom and the others lean on.

I'll never trade those words for anything different.

But I know I'll always have a secret pocket of things I feel inside, that don't fit out here in life.

I'll always be a dreamer of colorful and impossible things.
I'll be a lover of many people, spreading myself so thin that I come close to the edge of that cliff over and over in this lifetime.

I want to have that vague taste of desperation under my tongue, forever.
I want to write about my heart feeling broken, about how a strangers kiss changed my entire life, about grief and all those little things that give joy.

I want to feel summer rain on my skin and not be able to think about anything but that sensation for moment upon moment.

I want to get goosebumps when he leans in too close and have all the scenarios of how he will kiss me to go through my head.

I want to cry when I see a mother lose their child. I want to feel my insides being torn out and then having to live without it.

I want to taste something sour and then go back for more, because the feeling inside my mouth and against my cheeks feels a little bit like being alive.

I'll never let these things go.
I keep them organized and quiet in the back of my head and the middle of my body so that everyday I'm reminded that the human I am is so much bigger inside.

Inside this body is an incredible amount of the biggest things you could ever think of, and I carry it well.

I wish I could put enough of the right words together to explain the feeling I have inside of my body when I am close to you.

I'll manage to get 3 or 4 words into sentence form and then I'm back to cloudy eyes and cotton insides.

I miss you but my brain still recognizes the threat and won't allow me to feel much more than a glimpse of that at a time.

I crave the salt of the ocean the way I crave the skin on your back,
The constant crash of the waves against the shore and your hands grabbing at the sides of me, as if you have never felt anything quite so soft.

There's always a quiet rhythm to the way you love me.

Like the feeling of when it's raining and your driving somewhere you have never been, so you take the time to listen to the steady movement of the water being wiped back and forth off the windshield.

Something to stop your mind from racing. Your eyes lose focus but your body loves the familiar feeling in your head you have from the wet air, and the heat being pointed at your feet. You can't really feel your face but the bottom half of you gets increasingly warm. And it slowly spreads. Up, and into your belly.

And then we dive in.
Past the waves,
Into isolation.
Into the middle of the blue.

I could spend days floating with you.

Let the world swim beneath us,
And the sky above us.

Dark below and light above.

Me and you.

Born into a role they never would have volunteered for,
Laying their lives down for people they'll never meet -
With their cabinets full of guns
Claiming their lives
One by one.

Bow your head and pray
For another life lost,
A child you'll never save.

But hey,

Atleast you still have your guns.

Cry your empty tears
Down your hollow cheeks
Give the grieving moms a ribbon
To show your support.
Change your profile picture to an
"RIP innocent lives"
As if that says enough about the debt they've paid,
For your rights.

We bury our outrage
With their children
For another day when
The time is right
To dig up their tiny coffins
And fight.

Im not sure how else to explain to you that I fully understand when you say things like "God is love, people are bad" and "God loves you still even when you're angry", it's pouring gasoline on an already large fire.

I already spent 16 yrs asking for him to give any amount of affirmation so I could calm the mental suffering and constant questions,
And feeling in my gut telling me this didn't fit.

I already spent 16 yrs with my ears open trying my hardest while listening to the absolute deafening silence I got in return.

Is that not enough for you?

Can I have my body and mind back now.
Can I use my voice for other things that bring my joy instead of
Defending and reasoning with you on why I'm allowed to make my own choices now.

My childhood was a mixed bag of
Climbing trees
And barbies,
With a handful of fire and brimstone thrown in.
I was taught that men are divine and I make a great support system just being a good woman.