Limb by limb, she swallows me whole.
Its quick, and I feel nothing.
The only peace I find is when Im being devoured.

I thought it would be cold and dark in here, but its the only place I manage to feel some warmth.

Which really, doesnt make sense. All she ever says to me is
"Better off dead"

Everywhere they touched me and branded me with their hurt,
You take your hands and pour them onto every inch of me
Saying the "Im sorry" they will
Never give me.
The "I love you" with meaning
And the warmth without the burn.

Summer rain and the first few drops that hit the hot pavement, thats been begging for a drink all day.
The sun and the way it hits my veins as we are driving through the city, windows down and trees above us.
Afternoon naps with just a sheet and skin.
Coming inside after a day out in the pool, smelling like chlorine and sunscreen. Rolling down that bathing suit, and climbing into bed wrapped up in a towel.


These things make me whole.

I often stare at whatever food I have infront of me and think to myself,
Why do people say we need to be fed when feeding myself makes me feel so weak and invisible.
When my insides feel empty is when I feel strongest.
The sounds that escape my belly are my war cry.
When she screams, she feels nothing.

You're it.

And I dont know if thats just my inner child talking or if its my real heart. Thats where it gets so confused. All of the time. So confused.
Am I just living out this deja vu script my family wrote out for me even before I was born.

Or is it love.

I always said love was freedom but that was the first thing I gave you and now Im left with nothing.

Love plus love doesnt seem to equal love, somehow.

I was never good at math.

I am not here to be your
Manic pixie dream girl.
Im here to live
And love you.
Im not an object for you
To pour your affection
And ego into.
Im here to learn
And thrive.
I dont know how to be
Your perfect woman.
I know how to be me.

My batteries have run dry and every store I go into tells me they're sold out.
I dont know what else makes this brain and body continue on living.