We were loud, flourescent and my heart never wants to let go of the good memories. Even when the bad ones sneak up and remind me that nostalgia is heartbreak all over again.

I never asked to be the person our family dysfunction ended with.
I dont want to be in charge of
"Ending the cycle"

Someone else should do it.

Im tired and worn down,
Losing layers of my own skin
Over all of your hurt
Is too much.

Theres a girl who lives inside my head
Who tells me what I should do
And when I should do it.
She managed to sew thread into all my joints without me noticing for years.

Now its too late,
Im all set up for the show.
Theres never an audience,
Just us.

Sometimes she puts down the wires
& we sit, she tells me all these things about what will make me feel better, and what will help her feel quiet.

And its true. She gets quiet.
But her actions get louder.

This skin and these insides squeeze too tight sometimes and I cant breathe anything but shallow breaths, that never seem to satisfy my lungs need for air.
These eyes and this heart seem to be sad all the time lately, and cant find a spot to sit comfortably to see out the window we used to spend hours living through.

Im tired. This body doesnt serve the purpose it used to, anymore.

Little k, you sweet precious being. I will tell you everyday till we die, how your worth is infinite and not determined by other peoples insecurities. Everyday you wake up and decide to continue, you win. Your heart has been broken and glued back together so many times, and Ive never seen anything more beautiful.

I have gone through these 30 years of life trying my hardest to seek out whatever destruction will push me down the farthest into absolute darkness.

And then there was you.

The mandatory coffee break that the law makers of love and heartache and stars floating around my eyes created so we can know what it feels like to float through galaxies and release the pressure of living.

The ache is familiar and terrifying,
All at once.

The emptiness is softer & more inviting than any bright, chaos free
Life I could possibly build.
Its not fair how they got to choose
What kind of life I could live before I even knew how to speak the words I needed, to convince them otherwise.