I am not going to disappear
Under the weight of past trauma.
I am an evergreen,
Growing her roots.

All of my feelings are rushing around inside of me and I feel like I dont have even a moment to find the pockets of silence I know exist, but that hide so deeply in the darkest corners.
My chest hurts from dry heaving all morning trying to get that black mold out of my body. Its clinging to my ribs,
Im its only chance of survival.
This is the point where I would usually slide into its arms and allow it to warm me up, and console me,
Before it destroys me completely.
Now that I know I can do better, the fight is harder than before.
I cant let myself give up now.
But I want to.

When I feel scared I wear the perfume that smells like you so I can remember a time when I had a room to escape to and skin to get lost in and a heart to use so I could forget about how absolutely invisible and small I felt.

I have worked very hard at keeping
My shame hidden, and wrapped up
With a neat little bow.
I am a professional at
Sweeping things under the rug,
With 29 years of experience.

Sometimes, when I forget to be careful,
Someone will remember it for me,
And Ill hear them say the words.
Multiple stab wounds.
If I keep that box tied as tight as possible,
If I pretend the past is not a thing,
And that I was born only 7 and a half months ago,
They can't catch me off guard.
Thats when it hurts the most,
When it comes from behind. Unexpectedly.

I want to be happy and free more than I want moments of relief.
-  I am capable of living my best life
- I can love other humans
- I can love myself
- I am ending the family tradition of neglect and unhealthy fears.
- I am worthy of a peaceful life.
- I am done suffering.
- I want to live.

That makes it look pretty simple, hey?

Its funny how those scars on my legs,
That remind me of how much pain Ive been in,
Have now been braided into the marks that write out the story of
How my body grew the two greatest
Loves of my life -
Flawlessly and without any of the brokenness I was convinced would easily be passed onto whoever came into contact with me.

For the last 3 weeks, whenever 4am comes around,
My eyes open and everything around me looks foreign.
It feels like Ive just spent 5 hours outside of my body, and whenever I dive back into it I need to double check my surroundings
To make sure Im home.
Where do I go during that time?
I can never remember.