I dont feel like a human being.
I feel like a
Mother,
Partner,
Ghost.
Everything I hear is an empty noise,
Every touch is painful.
My insides hurt.

Weeks of my childhood turned into
A waiting game over which parent would remember our existence first.
Would it be him with the tired, wet eyes. With the rough, accusing voice. Or would it be her, with the broken heart and the soft touch.
Would this be the week that I didnt see him? Just a closed bedroom door and quiet footsteps in the middle of the night.

I've spent my entire life telling myself
That tomorrow will be the day that you love me.

29 yrs in, and I think I feel ready to tell you -

Im not invisible. You lied.

Its been two days since my feet have
touched the ground.
I spend every other minute thinking about everything I want to avoid.
And for the rest of the time I try
My hardest to concentrate on how it would feel if I couldn't feel anything anymore.
I never wanted to be this person who couldn't get a handle on myself.
Spending days in a fog,
Not sure of where I am
Or where Ive been.

I dont even know what Im trying to say. I just feel like Im trying to make my way through a river of glue, and its real ******* hard to move my legs today.

The shame you so enthusiastically poured into my body,
Now and then it
Drowns me.
My head will slip below the surface -
I keep my eyes open though.
And one day I won't see you staring down at me.

The highs are high
And the lows
Are
Low.
I have synced up with the weather,
When it rains -
I do too.
When the sun says hello,
I run free.

I wonder what it would be like if I had been born with a brain that takes care of itself and grows appropriately, instead of this thing they molded for me.
That dwells in childhood and swings back and forth.

I used to think I had to experience the entire world to mean something.
To be considered a productive member of society,
Getting an education and a job
Was top priority.
That I was delaying my life by having kids, instead of making something of myself.

It turns out that I get to live an entire
Life filled with hugs, cuddles, learnings, tears, encouragement, middle of the night comforting, feeding them from my body, growing them inside of myself, creating human beings through the truest love Ive ever experienced from another adult.

I get to experience my childhood the way I had wished it would have been.

Im experiencing my education through little beings that navigate this entire world based on what I tell them.
Everytime I say "You're so smart"
They believe me.
"You make me laugh"
They believe me.
"You are allowed to cry"
They believe me.
"You are strong"
They believe me.

I get to heal by giving you the love I grew up searching for.
Its yours.

Sometimes I think about what it
Would be like if I opened the car door
While we are moving.
How badly does pavement burn?

Then I lock the doors.