She paused



             She thought
  

        
                           She died.

They say no one needs to be perfect
To follow your heart
Be true to yourself
And be dear
They forget to mention
The voices that whisper in your ear
The voices
That keep feeding your fear
You try and do something right
Its either goes well or ends with a fight
I struggle with myself.
Just me and I
I hold in my emotions
They say its not okay to cry.
"Smile, be active and laugh"
"Whats wrong with you? What's concepts do you not grasp?
Some answers are bipolar, some are just plain.
"Great job, im proud"
"Again, you let me down"
Its hard to let yourself be you, when being you usually ends in a frown.
"Dont mess up, keep up the act"
"Its okay, i have your back".
I never know whats right anymore.
Im told to be perfect.
Im told to be plastic.
Im told to be myself.
Im told to be free.
What do you want from me?
Arent i just enough?
Am i perfect yet?
Or do i still need to be buffed?

I'm drowning
She told me not to trip.
But the wires of my mind are wrapping around my thighs
And whispers in my head are telling me lies.
And the tangles of my thoughts are tight against my socks
The wires are as thin as minty floss and they're cutting my skin
Over and over i try to hide my sins
Over and over im bleeding again
But i cant tell if its the wire thats cutting or my own hand
Oh how much i miss feeling boring and bland
Over and over this repeated message
All this noise making the fingers on my hand twitch
Making me grab this
Making me never miss
Only my heart feeds my target
Trying to save me
Trying to not let me slip
I'm just a paper person
Isn't that right?
Easily torn and easily ignited
Im buring and burning and i can't extinguish the fire
The ashes are falling
And everyone's watching
Just another person faking for attention
Not a special sight
Some even shout "End It."
Sometimes i silently say to myself
"I might"

"I'm fine"
I say
    "Im okay"
    I say
         " Its not important"
          I say
               " I'm not special"
                  I say
"Are you sure?"
They say
     "Do you wanna talk?"
     They say
           "It matters"
            They say
                " You matter"
                    They say...
Please don't don't try and read between lines
Please ignore the cries that slip from my lips
I always say that im fine but really I'm fighting a war inside my mind.
Not Just with myself
But with my friends
My past
       Oh those midnight cries.
"Your over reacting" they start to say
       "People go through worse, your just having a bad day."
How much do i have to try and say its constant?
That I'm not happy just existing.
     And even then i sometimes wish life wasnt a real thing.
               You all built me up
                You all made me happy
               But when it got hard
               They left and my world
Went.    C.    
                    R.    
                            A.  
                                   S.            
                                           H.
                                                  I.
                                                         N.
                                                                 G
Down.
They complain how you never ask for help
But not when your help decides not to help
           Is it too much to ask you to save me?
          Not from people but my brain, its the enemy.
       Please
            Help me
                  Before its
                         Too late
I dont know how much i can cope
With all the false hope
Hanging on to the rope
Sometimes its easier to just let go
My brain is starting to crack me
And when i let go i know no one will catch me
No, they'd rather sit back or stand
Than get depressed teenage blood on their hands.
   My fingers are slipping
     Dont know how much longer I'll last
Just waking up is even a task
I want to sleep
A deep sleep.
Never wake up. Lots of dreams
Im stuck in the grey, and its not what they say.
Help me escape.
Its almost too late.

It started with a small pit
A pit in my stomach
A gaping black Hole
And then it started with the anxiety
And then the uneasy feeling i cant shake
And then the panicking
And then the trying to not show
Emotions on my face
And then the feelings bursting out
And the silent crying
As if that hole in my stomach swallowed
Everything.
Its not even my stomach anymore
Just emptiness
Inside this shell thats my skin and bones
What happened?
How did i go from
Happy and okay
To not feeling like myself
Like im not in control
And i dont know what's worse
Wanting to scream and beg for help
Or not wanting to worry anyone
And instead silently screaming
As that hole gets wider
And darker
And deeper.
I hope it doesnt consume me
I hope ill wake up fine tomorrow
I hope

I saw the pretty sights below,
The pretty people,
oh what a show.
I saw all the cars driving,
down the two way,
busy road.
I saw the edge of the building get nearer, and the goals in my mind
became even clearer.
The tips of my toes over the
edge of that ******
city ledge
I turned around
And squeezed my eyes tight
wanting my last thoughts to be
of the city lights.
I heard the whistling
as i fall backwards
From that drop,
from that high sky
City roof top
My mind started reminding me
of things that mattered
A little too late
as I hit the sidewalk with a
splatter

She holds her throat but that's not enough
She can't hold it in
The black still seeps from her.
Her mouth, her nose, upon her skin  
She's really fearful now
Trying to hold it in
But obviously that's not enough
The keep the blackness in.

You say do better
But in doing my best
You say try harder
Dont you see im in distress
Im drowning in my thoughts
I cant catch my breath
Your making it seem like my lifes a quiz
And im not passing the test

Clawing at my throat
I am.
I cant seem to breathe. But somehow
I am
I couldn't stop the crying but now
I am
And im okay
I am
Im not still clawing
Im not.

Life is short
Simple, sometimes sweet
So many secrets for our lips to keep
Men cry and women weep
There are happier times
Once in awhile
We smile and laugh
Until we grow senile
And then we fall asleep.

She broke two promises and the payment was blood.
One to herself and one to him
The cuts sliced thin.

Slurred words
Thoughts like restless birds
Inhaling the poison that
You know
makes him
                         Different
Its okay though
An easieness blankets the nerves
Because you know how to use your words
He loves you , he wants you, he needs you
The idea of an idle  car
Being made to rumble
Knowing very well then
Not only him but others would tumble
You can’t let him leave
You love him, you need him, you want him
You reach out, tragic actions
And the poison starts to create reactions.  
Dizzy minded on the floor,
You have to block the bathroom door
He will die and its okay
That you put yourself as the price to pay
He reaches up
And removes the light
Bulb.
Its dark and you gulp, hearing the screaming
The slamming next to your ears
Its All you can hear between heavy breathing
Is its okay you won't hurt me
You need me.
The door flies open,
Youre on the floor
You can't let him leave
Angry and drunk
You plead  please
You know that car wont make it back
And that his  goal is to  Crash.
You grab his arm once more
You can't let him walk through that front door
He will die.
And then what are you? To allow him to lose his life?
Because you pushed him over the edge
All Because of one small thing
Offering an uber towards his friend
So hed be safe going home
So the drinking night could soon end
You hold on as long as possible,  
Because although  hes hostle
You want him safe,
Finally the payment will be paid
You feel the hands grip your skull
Pounding. Pounding.
Loud thuds
As your head hits the dryer
But you can't feel the pain
You can barely see
But its okay
He wont hurt you
Please not today.
Youre  dragged across the hallway
Floor.
Hes 10 more steps nearer to the
Door.
You feel a pressure , it's okay
As the corner of the hallway
Wall
Slams into your waist.
4 steps nearer  to that door
To that vehicle
That he briefly  mentioned earlier
Before he drank some more
You hear a knock at the front
He hears it too
Youre at the stairs
Because if he decents
You know youll never see him again
He pushes  you once, you keep
A . one.  hand.  grip.
And he pushes you once more
But this time
You fall backwards,
Down those  steps
Towards the floor.
Your ears are ringing
Its okay
When you look up
Hes not fazed
He went to the room
Hes safe for today
His life costed your mind
A fitting price to pay.
You answer  the door
Its police
Luckily they didn't see you just roll down
Or your bruised  knees.
You make them leave
Because he keeps screaming
Let them near and
Then theyll be bleeding.
You can't make things worse,
you already have
Maybe someday you can shake this off
Maybe laugh.  

Hours pass, and youre outside his room door
Begging on the floor
Let me in im sorry
Please  I just wanted you
Safe.
Youre allowed in, and greeted with a knife
That isnt him, not in those eyes
You lay in bed as you watch him sleep
You wonder,
Why
Did you deserve this,  because you couldn't let him
Die?
You stay awake, scared to not have
Your eyes Wide
Because you already know
That he has that knife.
Morning comes and your body hurts
But nothing compares to the empty
Words
Please look
You beg, to see some sympathy for
What he did, so sim-pl-y
He sees  the purple, the black, the blood
But its like it was swept under a rug
"What do you want me to say"
Nothing. Everything. Something.
Its too late

Words can be strong
When they are used against you it can be like
A
    Punch
              In
                   The
                         Stomach
When you have to use them to describe what you feel its like
A
    Knife
             To
                  The
                        Throat
And when they haunt you at night, swirling in your mind its like
A
    Loaded
              Gun
                     To
                          Your
                                 Head
Words are dangerous