what is boredom,
is it watching a cartoon on repeat,
for the 10th time today?,
is it listening to someone,
go on and on,
about the weather or the color blue?,
is it wondering why you cant sleep,
without someones arms around you?,

what is boredom,
is it going to the same job,
doing the same tasks day after day?,
is it the quiet,
after the kids go to sleep?,

what is boredom,
someone please let me know,
before i die from this disease,
called boredom!
-Bee-

Sitting in the tub,
Water washing over me,
Cleansing my tears stains,
Washing away my pain,
Down the drain,
Naked and alone.

The water turns cold,
Yet I barely move,
Too drained of emotion,
Too exhausted to care,
Am I shaking,
Or is it an earthquake?

No one checks on me,
No one really cares,
Until they need to ***,
Then it's just mad,
They can't walk in.

So I get out,
On legs of a newborn calf,
And dry off,
Realizing I never washed,
My body or hair.
-Bee

One phone call,
Is all it took,
To have me in the corner,
Breath ragged and body shook,
Its happening again,
The end will be near,
'Take a deep breathe',
She whispers in my ear,
Rubbing my back,
I try to.. I do,
But the pain is too deep,
I hear her my past crying,
When they think im asleep,
I know its not real,
The black void is coming,
Deja vu all over,
Anxiety attacks are coming back.
-Bee-

When the sky turns orange,
When the moon retires,
When the stars say goodbye,
When I wake up for the day,
When I put my make up on,
When I wake the sleeping demon,
All my nightmares fade away,
Until that night,
When I finally fall,
Back into the torture,
Later and later,
Soon I won't even be sleeping,
Until this month is over.
-Bee-

do you hear that heart breaking
is it yours or is it mine?

nothing can change my mind,
nothing will make me say,
even if you give up on me,
im still one step away.

following in your footsteps,
watching your walk,
listening to all the words,
even the quiet ones unsaid.

im just a little child,
stuck to you like glue,
daddy i just want your attention,
please turn around and see me.
-Bee-

I miss your hugs,
I miss your kisses,
I miss your smile,
When it's pointed at me.

I miss your smell,
I miss your eyes,
The greenish brown rings,
That make me smile.

I miss your touch,
I miss the love,
When you loved me,
Like I love you.

We're a foot apart,
But it might as well be an ocean,
You put a wall up,
To keep me out.

But I'm standing on the outside,
Screaming for you to see me,
Begging for you to hear me,
Wishing for you to love me,
Hoping you know I miss you.
-Bee-

If I had one wish,
I'd turn back time,
Talk to you more.

I would tell you all my fears,
And the **** in my head,
I wouldn't worry about what
You would think of me.

I would delete all the apps in my phone,
I'd hold you tighter,
I'd tell you I love you every hour,
I would annoy you so much with this power.

If I had one wish,
It would be us,
To work us out,
And not give up.

But it's too late now,
I waited too long,
If only, if only,
I could turn back to the begining.
-Bee-

I used to think silence was golden,
but now it's something I fear,
during the day it isn't so bad,
but at night it's so much worse,
the quiet is haunting,
the lights are all blinding,
the screams echo in my ears,
just one day I fear it will happen,
I won't be able to stand,
the fear will take over,
my life will be over,
because silence will soon mean dead.
-Bee-

I cant fight my inner dementors,
While the weather gets colder,
I want to scream until my lungs dont function anymore,
I want to cry into a pillow,
But these four little terrors,
Keep staring at me,
With beedy eyes,
And needy lives,
From changing diapers,
To the constant fighting,
And school being out,
So all day, they're together,
The screams, the crying,
The kicking, the biting,
Driving me mad,
I want five minutes alone,
To fight with my head,
But daddy comes home after they're in bed,
My anxiety levels get higher each day,
And february gets nearer,
Is it to late to change,
I really want to run away,
Or burn myself,
It used to help with the pain,
'See a shrink',
Thats what everyone is saying,
But i cant even *** alone,
Where am i supposed to get an hour?
-Bee-

Whispers and stares,
Acting like im not even there,
A fragile doll,
Waiting to break,
Then it hits me,
They all know my secret,
A few brave souls,
Even have the nerve,
To apologize to me,
Like they knew her,
A friend grabs my arm,
Says 'buzz off' to the masses,
I end up in the office,
With my head between my knees,
'Anxiety attack' the counselor says,
Its normal for people,
With a hard past,
After school see a therapist,
Dont talk to her at all,
Anxiety attacks become worse,
Post tramatic they diagnose,
Seeing a loved one leave is hard,
But limb by limb it gets worse,
First the calf down,
Then all 5 of her toes,
Eyesight is next,
How did you know?,
Then fingers come off too,
Put her in a home,
See her leave everyday that you roam,
In 2 years you're hopeful,
Helping with others,
Then the day comes,
And shes gone forever,
Didnt even get to say good bye,
Six days after your birthday..,
How happy am i?
-Bee-

i thought we were forever,
but not i know that was just a lie,
like the ones you told me,
every **** day of our life,
saying you love me,
saying you care,
you think I'm ****,
you'll always be there.

but today i learned a lesson,
people lie to you every day,
and if you love them hard enough,
you still cant make them stay.

so i guess i have to turn,
face the other way,
because as long as im facing you,
i will believe in forever,
everyday.
-Bee-

Harry gave me magic,
Hermione showed me that being smart is good,
Ron showed me what a good friend is,
Katness proved family comes first,
Peeta showed me how to love,
Four made me brave,
Tris showed me how to fake until you make it,
without my fandoms where would i be in life?
in fact where would we all be?
-Bee-

My heartbeat increases,
Like a hummingbird,
My head gets fuzzy,
A million bees in my brain,
My chest is tightening,
Like a hug you can't escape,
Tighter and tighter,
Black spots in my vision,
My breathing is rapid,
Are there fish in my belly,
Am i about to get sick,
My legs turn to jello,
I can't even stand up,
Holding on for dear life,
And when you pull away,
You take my love with you.
-Bee-

Im drowning,
In a sea of people,
All expecting something.
Im going insane,
The voices are talking to me,
But i cant hear a sound.
Im losing my touch,
I feel numb all over,
Need to be smacked back into reality.
Starting to think those hollywood people are genius,
Acting like a nutshow,
And getting some solice.
How i crave a padded room,
With no one around,
To be my own person,
With my own sound.
No more voices telling me to do this or that,
No more pushing and shoving,
No more drowning like that.
-Bee-

At night you hold me,
Like you want me to stay,
But when the sun wakes up,
You shoot me anyway.

Right through my heart,
The bullets soar,
Shattering like confetti,
All over the floor.

I can't eat,
I can't sleep,
I can't breathe without you.

You put a smile on your face,
As you walk away,
"Don't want you anymore",
Is what you say.

Then the sun goes down again,
And you get into the bed,
Cuddled up to me,
Mending my heart,
Only to repeat it,
When daylight starts.
-Bee-

when you look my way,
it puts a smile on my face,
but when you look at someone new,
i want to rip them in two,
i cant help it when im jealous,
you make me mad,
so mad god ******,
stop looking at me that way,
i cant fake a smile when i want to cry,
look at me and only me,
and i wont go crazy in front of your family.
-Bee-

I am mud,
on the bottom of a rock,
in the middle of the ocean,
Just fighting to get free,
Trying to get up,
To breathe,
To get air,
Instead I am kicked,
I am thrown,
I am garbage to all that I know,
Hello friend,
I am mud.
-Bee-

In the sunshine,
In the rain,
The heart skips a beat,
Whenever your name,
Face or soul,
Pop into a conversation,
Or just in her head,
"How could you",
She whispers to the wind.
-Bee-

I am not enough,
Good enough,
Smart enough,
Beautiful enough,
Loveable enough,
For you to try.

Not once chance,
Not one small trial,
Not worth the time or effort.

It's easier to write,
Off nine years I guess,
And four kids.

Someone new and shiny,
Someone pretty and smart,
Someone worthy of your time and effort,
Has taken my spot.

I hope she loves you like I do,
I hope she shows you like I didn't,
I hope she shares her darkest secrets,
Because that's my biggest regret.

I hope you stay together,
Until the end of time,
Because I wasn't it for you,
And you deserve the best.
-Bee-

When the rain pours,
thunder strikes,
and no one is around,
can you hear me calling you,
or do i just disappear,
if you turned around,
id be there,
a step or two behind you,
like a shadow on the sidewalk,
but you keep on walking,
i cant always be here,
i need to walk away,
but I'm like a magnet,
I'm the negative,
you are the positive,
we go together,
but only when you want it,
a jigsaw that doesn't quite fit,
in the same book but different chapters,
only together for the sake of the reader,
i call your name a few dozen times,
but like always you don't hear a sound,
the thunder strikes again in my heart,
the rain pours from my eyes,
falling down in the street,
invisible to everyone who walks by,
I'm drowning and no one will hear me crying.
-Bee-

I failed,
As a daughter,
As a wife,
As a mother,
You had dreams for me,
And I ****** them all up.

When we first got together,
Everyone said,
"Your mom knew it,
She would be happy about it".

But mom I failed,
My love wasn't enough,
Your dreams for me broken,
Like my heart,
Shattered.

All I could do,
Wasn't enough,
I failed you both,
Because I wasn't enough.
-Bee-

By all means scribble on my heart, Soon it will be one ******* hole.
Please someone enter my mind, all these voices are talking to me, but i dont know where to start.
Yo someone get a hold on me, my body is moving before my eyes can see.
Tape my mouth and make me bleed, before my mind takes care of me.
I'm Calling for help but you cant see, When i smile on the outside,
All im asking is for you to need me.
-Bee-

Trapped in a windowless cage,
No bars or doors,
A personal form of torture,
Inside my head,
Need an escape,
But no where to go,
A burn on my leg,
A scream in my throat,
Release my demons,
With a sickening thud,
My chest gets tighter,
Eyes roll into my head,
"Pop some xanex and smile",
The Dr said,
But no one knows,
About this windowless cage,
Inside of me.
-Bee-

To all my homies alive and not,
I love you with every heartbeat that i got,
Until my blood turns cold and im dead in the ground,
You're with me in the moments we held
-Bee-

One small smile can brighten a day,
One little wave could turn the sky grey,
You actions make me feel,
Your words make me heal,
A whisper in the night,
A text in the day,
And all my anxiety goes away.
-Bee-

My chest hurts,
My eyes sting,
I want to cry,
But you can't see a thing,
No where to hide,
So I hold it in.

Yelled at you earlier,
Didn't mean to,
But the words I spoke,
We're truer than true.

I just need space,
And air to breathe,
A hole to cry in,
Would be nice too.

Can you just try,
To understand,
And help me,
Just one day?
-Bee-

When the feeling comes,
Its not what you expected,
Like a MAC truck hit you,
When you weren't looking,
5000 pounds of pressure,
All on your chest,
Its hard to breathe,
You lung feel like lead,
Your heart is racing,
Your insecurities floating,
In your mushy head,
Your arms are tingly,
Legs are weak,
Take a deep breath,
Hold it all inside.

No one can know,
How you really feel inside,
The pills aren't working,
You run and hide,
The wall are closing in,
The room is getting colder,
Your vision is blurring,
Ears are buzzing,
You take the razor blade,
With a sad smile,
A small line of crimson.

The walls start to move,
Your vision is clearer,
Another will help,
You know it will,
So you mark your skin,
With a sad smile,
Breathing is easier,
Your body feel lighter.

You rinse of the blade,
The bleeding stops,
While you take a shower,
A bandage is obvious,
So a bracelet it is,
Or a long sleeved shirt.

But next time,
Your thigh,
Summers almost here,
People get suspicious.
-Bee-

music is my escape,
from family friends and life,
if I'm mad i play some Ed Sheeran,
Meghan Trainer or Charlie Puth,
and it instantly makes my day better.
If I'm nervous i put on,
some old school Akon or Eminem,
and all i can think about is the beat.
when I'm happy i listen to Cole Swindle,
Avril Lavigne or Florida Georgia Line,
dance around the room and sing with my horrible voice.
when i just want to dance i listen to Daddy Yankee or 90s-early 2000s hip hop.
when I'm ******* ICP or TOP and it calms me down instantly.
music changed my life in every possible way,
i wouldnt be able to survive if i didnt have my music.
-Bee-

Today is the day,
She walks away,
Dusts off her pants,
And kisses the cold stone,
"I love you" she whispers,
As the gate finally shuts,
Closing this chapter,
To open another,
But every year,
She thinks back and smiles,
As the tears escape again,
And she whispers,
"I wish it was me"
-Bee-

Drowning in this cloud,
Smoke smothering me,
Water beneath me,
Small shallow breaths,
Choking myself with each one,
Vision blurring,
Body is burning,
If I sit up I will burn to death,
But if I lay down I will drown,
So I stay in between.
-Bee

Its november and i see you,
Every night in my dreams,
Bringing back the torture,
Bringing back the old me,
Everyone wants happy,
Smiles and laughs,
But my insides are ripping,
My body in half,
Like an operation,
Heart transplant gone wrong,
I have a giant hole in my chest,
Where you used to belong,
Someone stabbed me with an ice pick,
But i didnt feel much,
Because theres nothing but a heart of stone,
Since the day you left.
-Bee-

The sidewalk ends,
i skip through the grass,
find the old train tracks,
walk east towards the woods,
where i can just get lost,
walk around for a while,
with the golden sun setting,
no one knows where i am anymore,
its a get away from reality,
where the air is sweeter,
the noise is gone,
its like a padded room without the nurses,
there's nothing constricting my body anymore,
no more stress or worries,
the birds and crickets come out,
as i weave my way through to my spot,
i see the bright blue flag up ahead,
it means i only have a three giant oaks before i turn left again,
then straight to a mass of bushes over 6-foot tall,
on the other side of the bush is a old warn out couch,
a lazy boy and a mini fridge,
under the couch is a tent waiting to be put up,
under the chair is a case of soda and toilet paper,
and the fridge has a bunch of non perishable food locked in it,
i get the tent set up and grab the key that's on a chair around the zipper,
eat some food and smile because there's no cell service,
i can live here without leaving for ten days,
but i only have two until someone realizes I'm gone,
better enjoy this while i can,
before the real world calls me back.
-Bee-

Am I holding you back,
From the life you deserve,
With happiness and freedom,
From my anxieties and fears,
Where you can be yourself,
Without my jealousy there.

I apologize,
For the days I held it in,
The night I pretended I'm ok,
The times I faked a smile,
The tears I hid.

I apologize,
For letting it get this far,
For being emotional or crazy,
For ignoring you,
For being me.
-Bee-

I smile,
I fake it,
I try to make it,
But I fall on my face,
Every **** time.

No one to help me,
To make me feel better,
I'm fighting a demon,
No one can see,
No one but me.

He tells me I'm ugly,
That you deserve more,
I'm a horrible mother,
I should die on the floor.

I try to push him away,
But the harder I fight him,
The worse he gets,
Tells me lies about you,
I can't help but believe.

I've been trying to be better,
But he's in my head,
Whispering these things,
That make me go crazy.

How can I fight him,
All on my own?
-Bee-

They scream louder,
My chest feels heavier,
My thoughts are scrambled,
Breathing is harder,
Tuck my head between my legs,
But that doesn't help,
Black dots in my eyes,
My heart beats faster.

I need to calm down,
The feeling is coming,
The rushing pain in my chest,
Where is my lighter?

Hide in the bathroom,
Lighter is red,
Fire been burning,
About 3 minutes,
Press it to my skin,
Feeling it sizzle,
My chest releases a little.

Have to hide the marks,
No one can know,
Always on my wrist,
Got a nice scar,
Everytime i do it,
Always the same spot,
My 'Vampire bites',
On my wrist it is.
-Bee-