I am going to be writing something important to me soon.
It won't follow my regular patterns, it will be as I wrote at the start.
I just realized that I need to vent out a little more than my thoughts on a page will let me.
I need to open my heart in words.
I have been letting my head do all of the talking, and I just can't do that anymore.
Pent up frustration in my chest is threatening to break.
I need to let it out physically too, my dad is getting me a pull-up bar, and I am being more active.
I want to stop thinking about this, but I suppose it is just a burden in my head.
I sleep hugging a blanket so I feel a little less alone.
I never really get physical contact with anyone, so it is warm, and I feel like it helps me sleep.
I sing songs to myself when I lay down so I don't feel sad.
I think about her, and how nothing will come of it at this point.
My heart is heavier than it should be, and I need to make words to lift that weight.
I need to tell you all how I feel to get by, and telling you my thoughts daily isn't enough anymore.
I need to break my shell, I need to ask for some company every once in a while, but it is hard.
I feel outgoing and energetic at home until I think about what I still need to accomplish.
Life is never easy for anyone lest they are born to it, and even then it gets difficult.
I don't know, I am just cold, angry, scared, and tired.
I know I am also alone, but that fact has been drilled into your heads at this point.
I just need some time to write out what my heart says, no more words from my head.

Our embrace lasted too long.
We loved right down to the bone.  
I hear the bones grind, I see  
our two skeletons.

Now I am waiting
till you leave, till
the clatter of your shoes
is heard no more. Now, silence.

Tonight I am going to sleep alone  
on the bedclothes of purity.
Aloneness
is the first hygienic measure.  
Aloneness
will enlarge the walls of the room,  
I will open the window
and the large, frosty air will enter,  
healthy as tragedy.
Human thoughts will enter
and human concerns,
misfortune of others, saintliness of others.  
They will converse softly and sternly.

Do not come anymore.  
I am an animal  
very rarely.

All that is left are fragments, ashes of what used to be my warm heart. Help me.

i smile at strangers
because they don’t
know if i’m pretending
or not
i smile at strangers
because maybe i
think happiness is
contagious

Torn from the barrel
bullet shot from the gun.
High velocity
Impact.
Done.