Up and down
Thrown around
Left and right
No sleep tonight

Side to side
I have to turn this tide
There and back
Its the strength I lack

I have thought about being something
Other than myself

To be the smoke from an exhale
Of a shortening cigarette
Fading into the air.

To be a brown leaf
Of a dying tree
Falling to the ground.

To be the the bubbles
Of a powerful ocean wave
Incorporating back to the mass.

To be free of this mortal shell
Of despair and agony and turmoil
Drifting through the world.

To Whom It May Concern,

The person writing you now
Is a person never seen
And never heard before
They have put so much work
And so much time
Into being better just in case
You ever bump into them
They have focused on the traits
The habits and impurities
That those before you hated
They have built themselves
In the image they were provided
With tools found lying about
They aren't finished by any means
But they hope you accept them
And won't destroy their work.

Best Regards,
The Person

I want to undo everything I've done
The triumphs and love
The sins and the downfalls
I want to have never been
I want to never be
You can't be forgotten easily
At least not from others memories
But with these suicidal thoughts
I know I want to be forgotten quicker

Everybody says that they love me
That they've got my back
But I don't feel it so
I simply can't believe that

So lonely and cold
So drunk and so bold
Been so long since I've felt something
But I know this moment is everything

I'm so far from anything
So close to finding me
Breaking down and growing up
Let me sleep or fill my cup

Everyone talks about
The thorns on roses
The bottoms of bottles
The wars of attrition
The sinks coated in blood
The tide that always turns
The pills on the floor.

No one talks about
The flower on top
The cork of a new one
The victories of wars
The mirrors holding pretty smiles
The ocean that is stunning and still
The tablets that aid in stability.

I used to always wonder why
I guess I still do but
I'm scared that it's because
The dark is more victorious.

Day in & day out.
My will to continue.
Crests and falls.
Whispers & exclamations.
Trials & tribulations.
Scorn & exaltation.
Enconium & condemnation.

Yet, here I am.

I crave love
Yet I desire distance.

I need somebody.
Yet I hate everybody.

I want to swim.
Yet I let myself drown.

I hate when you judge me
You were once in this hell
When the water was muddy
And it seems you've forgotten.

We swam in the clouds
You were once in this heaven
When you were so proud
And it seems you've forgotten.

Now you've forgotten
Now I'm so toxic
Now nobody wants me
Now I'm ******* rotten.

I know you're mad at me
And I've been up all night
Thinking about how to
Try and make this right
Then it hits
I didn't do this
You did and somehow
I keep getting convinced
I am the one that has to
Provide the fix

Pulling strings better than a puppeteer
Baby you know there's no way
Not any way out of here

You have me caught in this twilight
And you know there's no way
Not any way I can continue to fight

Don't say this is the last time

Don't let me become just a thread
In your ****** up tapestry

Don't send me into the wind
To become the ash of an old flame

Don't make this the last time

Sometimes it's hard to be alive
I imagine somebody knows that more
Than I do

Looking out windows for answers
Only to be greeted by suicide
What is the point

Somehow the secret must be
To remember that somebody knows
More than I do

Turn the page
Or burn the book

Re-cast the movie
Or become the villain

Sell my soul
Or live with who I am

Climb the mountain
Or beg at the bottom

Watch the sunrise
Or die in the dark

**** getting anything off my chest
This pressure to be anything
Is enough compression
**** trying to be like the rest
This normalization
Is enough suppression

I'll never be everything you expect
I'll always be anxious
I'll always have bouts of depression
I'll always feel that I'm not enough
I'll always want to give up
I'll always want the easy way out
I'll never get this off my chest

My body is no temple
Its been given out for nothing
Been a wide open door for calamity
Not to mention my abuse of it

My mind is no escape
Its been picked apart for everything
Been a sewage drain for misfortune
Not to mention your abuse of it

I used to think
The world outside my mind
Loved me more
Now I think
The world inside my mind
Just hates me more.

I got my teeth smashed
On a pedestal I never stood on
Choked out by a ribbon
I could have never ******* won

I'm in a new era
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Barely breathing and scraping
I'm meaner than ever and inspired