I want to go back,
after turning my back,
on all I know,
trying to prove I could go,
the distance,
I put between us.
I want to go back,
before I left myself,
in the dark,
losing all sight of what I chasing,
turning the lights out,
with my own hand.

To be a watchman
Have my sights
Set only on the sunrise
Instead of my gaze
Being set on my anger
Or my trivial desires
To have my eyes waiting
Watching
For the sky to change
Into vibrancy never seen
To be a watchman
When the gold breaks through
And falls upon my face
Like the tears that had before

To Whom It Concerns,

When you find this soul
Please know it has been through a lot
I trust you'll take care of it
It's been breathing through a tube
It has seen valleys of no measure
Peaks with expert definition
Has spilt more in sweat and blood
Than was ever spent on it
So when you find this soul
Cradle it and treat it like it's new
It won't survive another beating

Cordially,
Yours

Ev'ryone loves the comely words,
aches f'r the disconsolate ones,
Prayeth f'r the gentle,
And taketh the jarring.

Relateth to what thee shall,
Taketh to aught,
F'r coequal if the syllables art simple and plain,
Thy spirit shall alloweth the tongue,
Residence 'long with the emotions,
The thoughts and the instincts.

Thee wand'r in the words,
To seeketh harmony,
Concord in relation,
Familiarity in thy plight.

The expl'ration of if I,
Can findeth aught of this,
In mine own writing,
Remains to beest concluded.

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Haven't been myself for a while now
In my head
Can't complain cause I've been here

Haven't been yourself for a while now
In your head
Still complain cause you don't hear

I misseth mine own loveth. I wisheth f'r h'r to beest in mine own arms. To has't the warmth of h'r corpse. H'r soft toucheth and coequal softer gazeth.

It's the way you speak
About having your heart broke
That breaks mine
Knowing I can't help
And I just have to wait
Till you realize
I'm the one
That will treat you right

You tell me to go
Say we weren't nothing
I should see what else is out there
Decisions based off imbalance
Yet I can't find the door
Pray that you'll love me some more.

I'm no saint
I cannot capture it
Like a photo
I cannot describe it
Like a novel
I cannot draw it
Because I cannot paint

Being open
Has only brought judgement
Has only brought pity
Has only brought misunderstanding

Being closed
Has only brought silence
Has only brought loathing
Has only brought cynicism

Oh what to do...

Knowing it hurts but staying close to the flame
My eyes continue to bleed
Little red teardrops
Hurting myself the same way
I put on disguises
Just to watch myself suffer
The mirror is just the devil
And I don't know where I am right now
I never change myself
Maybe I'm the problem.

Why would I lie
I feel nothing
No reason to try
And I'm sorry
I just want to die
What led to this
And who knows why

Oh maybe it's the childhood abuse
The heartbreak
The drug addictions
The ****** the coke the oxy
The **** and the trauma
The attempts on my life
The PTSD
Anxiety
Depression
I was just a kid
And I still raised myself
More than my parents ever did
So many different gods
And I'm still going to hell
Maybe I was once an angel
But **** look how far I fell

I shed the stress of my day
Off at the door
I shed my tears in private
So you don't see
I don't hide my emotions
Just for the sake of it
I don't tell you what is eating away
At my mind and heart
You try to see through the curtains
I don't like Hide and Seek
But if I even gave you a peek
I cannot let you see me when
What I see as me being weak
All these little things
I hope you never see
So you and I can focus
On just being we

Let me tell you a story
Spin you a tale
It's just you and me
And my cigarette

That I wouldn't make it out alive
Make it to twenty five
Cause all I think about is hitting death row
Killing somebody with a knife
Or put that gun to my head and let it blow
Brain matter on the wall
Splatter and that's all
I have homicidal thoughts
Just dispatch somebody so quick
Who knew death could be bought
Let em ******* pain, just a lick
I guess I'm messed up
I guess I'm sick
I don't know what cause this
I don't know why this is in my head
And all the tears I shed
All I want in my face is lead
Elevating, delegating, and debating
Out of myself, leaving instructions, and deciding if I want to do this
But there wasn't any doubt
Cause all I want from this life is out
And yet I'm still here
But I still killed myself last year

Holding my little boy
I want to be everything
I want to be anything
He will ever need
He will ever want
I want to break the cycle
That I grew to know
That I knew was okay
I know better now
That what my parents were
Was not what my boy will get
I will not forget
And I do not regret
The ways I was raised
I will be better
And I stuck it in this poem
That is more of a letter.

This pen has bled as much as I
We both continue to pour out
Everything we've got

This paper has soaked as much as I
We both continue to take on
As much as we can

Till we are empty
Till we rip apart
Till it's the last time

Who knew I could do this
Watching myself bleed
Waiting for it to stop
Obsessed with the pain
Occurring often my acts of violence
Ostracized from reality
Assumed to be worthless
Actually just wordless
Afraid to describe just what I feel
Hating the situation
Hesitating to change it
Holding the razor blade still.

I am the illusion
Of the man you want me to be
And the delusion
Of the man that I see
Not sure of who I am
But I know I am not for you

I feel like my hands aren't my own
My body is no longer my own
My steps are hollow
My movements too animated
I feel the tide turning in my head
The waves are breaking
And only causing chaos
Lawlessness and disarray
Anarchy and pandemonium
.....

It's calculated
I am realizing all too late I'm losing
Something is changing
A modification
A shift
A revision
I feel I'm operated by somebody else
Not me but a variant
A voice akin to my own
A parallel that has made it clear
It will either win or it will destroy me.

.....

No more black and white
No more good and bad
No more hero and villain.

.....

All alone, not really.

.....

May you remember me
For who I once was

.....

This disease
No
This sickness
No
This ailment
No
This disorder
No.

.....

I now have a liberator
Guardian
Rescuer
Preserver
Salvager even.

.....

He has been saved
What you call *******
Oppression or tyranny
Jurisdiction or dominion
Is deliverance
Emancipation or independence.

.....

I woke up today
My hands felt like my own
My steps were substantial
My movements absolute and genuine
My ocean tranquil and mute
And for now, I recite a cantilcle
Of bliss and appreciation
To no god in particular.