Haikus #1
Lost sense of beauty
Satellites don’t work no more
Disruptive feelings

Haikus #2
Dragonflies warble
Warble, heavy fluttering wings
Harden, smiling leaves

Haikus #3
Fresh laughters under
The hot beaming smiling sun
An endless highway

Haikus #4
It struggles to get up
Being lost before found
In the reckless night

This world is a suspicious mystery. Getting into a world of reality, would just be my mind. Just to feel like running away all the time. Feeling stuck, wondering around the city alleys.  What does it mean to have a soul? What does it mean for those who are too ignorant to fear? And how can I become one of those? Confusion is a part of the blackhole. But if I could just immerse myself in it. Would I find clarity? The roads I've traveled seemed to be endless. With or without an instrument, I still loose inspiration. Where did I lose my inspiration. Can I see the world in a different light?

Swiping the dust off the scruffy resolution
What you think, you become.
The movies and the letters that make you sing along,
To the words upon a lonely dream.
A light full of sadness, an ironic way to say.
Death’s images are all around
Behind the being of sacrifice
Find the being of immortal sin
Judgment for the immortal sin
That had enveloped me completely.
I’ve become indestructible.
From the other side, a terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable.
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take your last looks while you’re alive.
You might revolve an abyss in your life.

What if clouds were in one place on the planet? Would it be the most beautiful formation to be existed? Would it be appreciated and inspiring?
*
Laying on the grass I watch the clouds sway to the left. High, ice-crystal clouds which look like wispy curls of hair, often the first signs of approaching geese. They hung over the sky like malevolent angels. As slow as the second hand on a clock, the clouds puff and extend as the sun’s light lasers through the clouds spaces.
The mountains in the back are strong and warm. The tall leafy evergreens surrounded the pebbly pond as I lay on the hill. The water sparkled with joy from the sun’s smile. The clouds reflect on the water with a comfy style. It calmed my body when I gazed at the different colours and figurative patterns. The sky hypnotizes my eyes and takes me away. To the place where I have my greatest escapes.
All the colours of the rainbow spread out to the whole sky as the sun set. Orange, red and yellow. Blue, purple and green. There it was. The feeling of enchantment and the synchronization. The harmony lifts me off the ground and delays the gravity. The sun was streaming through a break in the clouds in great watery shafts of gold. The moisture of the cotton clouds cuddle and refresh my skin.
I was swimming in mists of holy divine. The geese flew next to me heading south. As the doves drifted me back to the hill of grasshoppers I thought to myself, “What a beautiful and wistful creation. I will always admire the specks of nature that warm my heart. This will take care of me when I am lonely. It will fill the hole that is missing.

I live in Greece within the black bricks of my castle. Bricks of creepy crawlers and black blood dripping between them. And oh did I mention? I love ******* blood. My castle is the sound of evil. The sounds that make the muscles of your heart tighten with incredible force, sending gushes of blood down your veins in a single movement. You will feel your whole body shaking and you will hear your heart thumping in your ears. The fear is taken hold where I **** and bury all my patients.
The sound of their screaming lingers lusciously in my ear into my skull of centipedes and grub. So satisfying. My long red dress is comfortably numb. I hear the wolves howling as the moon hits the sky. A little bite like when I slice my victims into a plate of nourishment.
“I’ve lost a part of me, so tell your friends to sharpen their teeth. There’s a few quid to be made. My soul’s a sorry state, so come on down you empty lovers. Worms come out of the woodwork, and the snakes start sing. Leeches come from out the dark and the rats come out of the holes they call home.”
I will walk down my sacred hall of summoning ghosts. The clicking of my black and white shiny saddle shoes echoes throughout the whole castle. The lights flicker and my feet snicker. My ears shatter and the mice scatter.　
“Do you feel the chill, clawing at the back of your neck? Did you really think that you could fix me? They'll sell your bones for another roll. Well sharpen your teeth. Tell yourself that it's just business.”
This castle I own is the sound of mistress and misery. The misery’s shadow that twisted along the ground from the church across the street. Desperate cries within that burning church that was pelted. Not an ounce of sky is not filled with the blood curdling screams as the crimson moon turns its shape. It goes on and on.
“Don't say I'm better off dead. 'Cause heaven's full and hell won't have me. Won't you make some room in your bed? Oh, well you could lock me up in your heart and throw away the key. Won't you take me out of my head?”
Nobody will hear the annoying buzz on your cell phone ring when I rip your nails right off your flesh. Nobody will hear you scream when drill a nasty abyss through the back of your neck. You won’t find the rumbling thunder in the dark shivering sky. All the sounds that feed me. I’m getting pale, I must find more. My thirst is boiling up and my blood is thickening. It’s so dark I can’t see, the evil inside of me. This dark and lonely world is all that will be.

When it’s time to go, I’ll go,
But for now it’s all about to change
When everything’s stuck in repeat
It’ll all be different when I pull the trigger
Having to take the shot
Every second makes me more and more anxious
Before they **** me, I’ll **** them
How they strangle me leaves brutal bruises on my neck
When it rips my veins off my skin
And puts glass down my throat
This song is stuck in repeat
Their surrounding me
Pull the trigger, pull the trigger
The voices choke my choices
They crumple my words and what I believe in
I need to do it
Right between the eyes
Count to ten
One two this pain is so true
Three four I can’t do this anymore
Five six this is something I have to fix
Seven eight don’t be too late
Nine ten before it’s the end

Summer, August burns Red.
A forest blooms, we had met.
Swallowing butterflies in disguise.
A scarring kiss, exploding cries.
His red hair burnt the leaves like a friendly fire.
Blue eyes with the words of an honest liar.

October burns blue to the sound of rejection.
Mornings had mirrors with triggers of reflection.
Reading to writing, forgetting the moment.
Internal endures, within a sleepless dormant.
Wake up, ruminate, leading to regurgitate.
Voices spring off my drums. Time to self-desecrate.

Ignore the ******, it’s only November.
Rides of emotion, tender the temper.
Therapy, the solution to contentment.
Wished you haven't witnessed it.

I long for the feeling to not feel at all.
Commotion and denial, stiff as a doll.
Does it make you feel alive?
The poor lass in some way contrived,
Drowning, a sentimental suicide.

Get up, you were in coma for two years.
You’ve met a wonderful star, that wiped your tears.
Why do the thoughts tremble back as we speak?
A new born gazelle, legs shaking weak.

To find a staunch G-d. The whole universe.
(How do you love when your heart is broken
How do you speak when you feel outspoken
I can forgive and be forgiven
By learning to heal with a heart wide open)

Can't really see when your blind
Built all the walls in my mind
Feels like I've died a thousand times
But anything to get me high

Why are you here
You seem so strong
I'll only pull you under
But don't get me wrong
I've been searching for you for so **** long
But I never wanted to be the lonely one

Don't promise me to be here for me
I can't promise you that I'll never leave
Maybe it's all my insecurities
I still wish you got a hold of me

And your great. But I can't wait.
To get out of here
But i just never wanted to be the lonely one

I was almost killed. That dream started off on a chilly, but sunny morning. “Bye! I love you! Have a good day!” A repetitive thing I’d say to my mom when I would leave to school. I walked to school and on my way I happened to hear a loud car roam. It speeds tremendously fast. As it gets closer, another car backs up out of his drive way quickly. “No!” It happened. Smash. The speeding car rolls over and hits me. I wake up. The vivid dream stuck with me. It ran through my head like a race car. That dream had a reason, an assertion. It’s purpose was intended to give a lost message. I only found that out when it happened.
“Bye! Love you! Have a good day!” I voiced with emotion.
“You too, bye! Have a good day!” I strolled off my driveway and turned right. Down the street the blackbirds fly and chirp in the colored trees. I’d make two more rights at two more stop signs. Still thinking of my dream, I look around in suspicion. What if my dream is going to happen? It bothered me a whole lot for some reason. Then the suspicion came to life. The same roaming sound. My heart shattered beats and my I felt light headed. The ice-cold adrenaline pumped through my pulsing veins as I slightly turned my head to see. I carefully payed close attention to the occurring scene. I just wanted to punch the clock because of coarse, it was bound to happen. It flashed its bright yellow lights and signaled its way into my direction. As it turned, the cars tires screeched louder than the nails on a chalkboard. The red corvette didn’t belong in a town like this. Must of been a visitor. It raced down the street going 90km on a 50km street. 12 years was not enough for me. ****, I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live more. It’s not fair. No, no, no. The black Saturn van backed up quickly out of his driveway as the trees blocked his view. Think fast. There’s no time. There was never any time. I have one more chance to make it. This time, I didn’t just watch, but I ran. I ran for my life. Well at least I thought I ran for my life. It was too late. The corvette car and the Saturn van smashed before my eyes. The red car flipped over in the air and rolled. It was desecrated into several dents. The drivers pale scared face made me trip. I tripped onto the grass. Everything happened too fast. I lost myself. I questioned myself if I had any more strength left to move. I crawled 2 feet. The car shook the ground and shuddered myself out of my body. I weeped my face into the ground and curled up. I hugged myself tight. It stopped. The ground stopped moving. I stopped trembling. I lifted my head. I smelled the smoke sizzle out of the back engine. Blood dripping from his forehead. I stumbled upon my visions. I grabbed my things and ran. I was going to be late for class. I never mentioned anything to anybody. I kept it to myself. So scared and terrified. So much to learn and so much left to live. A lesson I carried within me, to live every second. Because you could be gone in 5,4,3,2... 1.

Everything said in a Russian/Jewish accent*
My name is Annemarie Apfelbaum and I am here to tell you my story, about what I went through. Some people think the Holocaust didn't exist. It's funny. I've been through everything in the Holocaust, I was there.
It was a very cold winter. I was very young. Around 8 years old. I had my mother and my father and my little baby brother. We lived in very Jewish small town in Soviet Russia. In small apartment. It was very frightening, they hit door down and door broke off. My mother screamed as I held my baby brother. The 6 Nazis force us out. I remember one of them beat my father with stick. My father tried to protect us. My mother cried to me and she said Annemarie, save your brother. My mother tried go run away. They shot her in head. i watch all this happen. I threw up everywhere and i looked at my father. I didn't know what was happening, they grabbed my baby brother and I cry. They pulled my arm and left big bruise on left arm. My father grabbed my hand as threw my baby brother on floor and beat him. I screamed. "Why, why you do this." They pushed me and my father outside. I saw him cry for the first time. He tried to comfort me. He said don't worry darling, we will be okay. He wipe my tears, and hold my hand. They took us to, to group of people and eventually I and my father went up to a desk with strange guy. This was outside and cold raining. They took me first. The man smiles at me and tattoo my arm with ink. So painful it was. My number was 571556 my fathers was 571557. They sew jewish star on our coats so they always know. I ask my father many questions. All he said was be proud of who you are. And we will be out alive. The natzis treated us like slaves. If we didn't listen to them they shoot. One day they make a line of Jewish people and make them sing. Sing their anthem and they all be dead in next second. Me and my father were starving, exhausted, and were hurt very badly. The natzis took us and put us on train. They were going to split us up because men women and children all went to different places. My father told them I was a boy and because I had short hair they believed him. They shaved my hair off anyways. Nobody know where train going or why we were there. It took us to a camp of terror. People were beat and slaved. They were stripped. Before they could take off my clothes my father had told me to jump fence and run far in forest. But I didn't want to go without him. I'd rather die than run alone. He told me that he loved me very much. They shot him. I ran for him. They saw me though. They went after me. I didn't stop run. I went under a tunnel that I slipped in. The snow covered the entrance when they got too close. I heard them run away back to camp. I found my way out forest and found a safe place. War was over after the years hiding in safe place. The man who helped me and others named jeron jesustki. I thank him Til this day. I don't want you be sorry for me. I want you to be happy for me. I survive. I believed I would get out from bad people. I do miss my father. He love me and help me accept who I am. I love who I am.

Pounding traumatically hard. A wave of heartaches chokes my tears. I feel like tying myself to the rough metal railroad tracks. Some fear that will overcome my sadness. Feeling like there is no place to go when you’re now alone. I wish we’d never fight. Things are always better when his arms are wrapped around me and there is only.
I take a hit after a hit and cry a river. My heart soothes and pictures start to move. A black hole erupts out of nowhere as it tries to **** me in. I hold onto my armchair trying not to get ****** in the blackness. The nothingness. My fingers slip off and I’m spinning in. I fall to my knees and my eyes widen.  I quickly look left and right, all around me. As I freak out, I fall on my back. I try to sit up and hold myself. I feel like I just got hit by a train. I see a little light floating in front of me. It comes closer as I reach out and touch it. Suddenly I fall into mid-nothing and hit my head off a sandy rock. I look beyond my views and see a far hot dessert. 40 Celsius of heat slapping my face, I feel the soft sand hug my feet and hands. Hills and hills of sand and rocks.
I spot an opening of a cave and walk towards it. The walk through the hot beaming sun made me sweat a shower. I felt a cool refreshing breeze come from the dark cave. I start walking through this never-ending cave. I’m terribly thirsty. My head feels like a feather made of thorns. I look up and smell water and see another light. I wobble and trip my way through the cave. At the end of the cave, I peek out and see leaves on the ground. A slimy snail, the size of my fist blocking my way. I stumble over it. I look up and see wines and trees twisting 30 stories high. Big birds flying over and around the huge tall waterfall. I ran and jumped in the water. I quenched my thirst, as the tropical fish swam around me.
A bunch of crowing birds caught my attention as I saw him standing on the rocky mountain steps. He stared at me, waiting for me to run after him. I did. Every step I made was useless to his speed. Walking through the waterfall cave, I suddenly trip and slip off the edge of the cliff. I cried for him to help me. I called his name, and he stood there. Didn't bother to help me. He said he loved me but I let go. I fell and fell. When I hit the pointy rocks, everything blacked out, and I awakened. I sat in a hospital bed, he laid on top of me and started crying of relief. He looked at me with perishing pity and I gave in to it. He repetitively said that he loved me but I didn’t give in to that. I cried and ripped off the strings and patches on my body that he brought me to. Loneliness creeped up only when he stood around. I was better off in my slumber. I was better off with the truth. I was better off when the bitter love didn’t break me. I was better off with near silent winds on the warm sandy beach where my toes would hide away from the heavy space less atoms. Hear my heart when it stops. Hear my voice when its silent. I’ll get out alive.

Do you see the river of blood stream
It makes me want to not shout but scream
It’s all what it seems
Once upon a lonely dream
My blood is boiling up for you
Let’s break this mirror ‘cause I’ll never
Be the way you want me to
You’re a monster hiding in your skin
A disaster waiting to dig in
I’ll leave you and it’ll eat you inside
Make sure you back up your reasons to lie
You’ll lose everything beside
Let yourself die
Are you afraid of the skeleton you raised
And all the greed your life paid
So close but a million feet away
So far but a million years to stay
In shows with despair and hatred
In ***** with emotion that’s overrated
A never ending fall a never ending war
It’s getting too hot
Let my body hit the floor
A never ending lie I can’t take no more
Guiding to the star with an open door
Were living forever starting now
Only if you have the time to know how
Forget about the world we’ll show them
Forget about what’s right, it’s never good enough.

I remember, it was summer. I handed everybody my homemade pizza sandwiches. The smell of crispy baked bread with warm melting mozzarella cheese and sweet rich ripe tomato sauce. My friends and I were on a road trip full of leaping laughter. Laughter that grew six packs in our cheeks. Highways I call home. Songs we sang that came to life. We called ourselves the six pack. Driving an endless road down Lilly-stocks green fields and corn crops, jokes are made that make the day spark with amber. Hugs and kisses made our heart explode. The hugs and kisses that our parents no longer gave us anymore.

“You can run away with me any time you want.” We kept singing to the good and bad beats tuning out the radio as our voices warmed the air. Making the best of them, and making the air fresher than it actually was. Smelling no more than a flower in disguise. The girls lip gloss smiles and the boys lose leather seats shined. The girls laughed and chained while the boys sang their favourite songs. Their voices lit up the day more and continued a jubilant bumpy road. I remember my boyfriend putting the car in park. We all jumped out onto the warm concrete as we had our running shoes and gear ready. We walked in the forest and jumped over big streams of spring water. He held my hand and kissed my cheek. A perfect world on a perfect day. A photograph that would last a million years. Love and good times was our culture. We sang to the beat of our hearts.

“Cruising down the highway with my friends, top down and we're all on our way to the beach. And everyone keeps laughing at those cars we are passing, as we're ******* down that funny, funny ****. Oh yeah… oh yeah! We're rolling up to sand, take your shoes off, man. We are skinny dipping underneath the sea. And it's a chicken fight clan, throw your dukes up, "wham!". We are splashing in the water to the beat. Oh yeah… oh yeah! Crossing sandy dunes, hot day, mid-June. Naked kids, running wild, and free. It's summer time fun, relax and stay young. You could be home, with Oprah Winfrey. The water feels nice, dive deep down under. The ships, and treasures make reef. Just one of those days, had a blue, perfect wave. Come out, and join. You'll see. We are lying in the sun, when you’re done find a towel. Now we're thinking of where we're gonna eat. Back corner table, order lobsters and Black Label. Raise your glasses, here's to living out our dreams.”
We all ran with full stomachs down the beach to unpack in our clean house cabin. We all clunked on the couches and flicked the television on. My boyfriend Billy was laughing about bad pranks on the beach with his two best friends Dalek and Tanek. Nelly’s dating Dalek and Quinns dating Tanek. My two best girlfriends. Chatting away we heard a shattering noise. We all give each other looks and rush to the startling noise coming from the bathroom.
“It’s coming from that vent.” Billy pointed and looked at me. A huge metal vent with blue spirals. The vent shook the wall and the vent cover fell off. Billy saw a green creature run down the vent and took his flashlight. “I saw something! There! Down there!”
“Yeah let’s go in there and catch ‘em!” Dalek dramatically spun.
“There is no way on earth I’m going in there!” Nelly poked Daleks shoulder.
“Yeah, there could be..” I took Billy’s flashlight and held it under my face. “Aliens!” I said deeper in a jokingly manner. Everyone knows Daleks consternating fear for aliens.
“Aliens?” Dalek blankly stared and fearfully jumped in to Taneks arms. Billy wrapped his arms around me.
“No way on earth you’re going in there without me Betty babe.” I snatched his flashlight again and crawled into the small space. “That’s not a good idea though, come on Betty, come back.” Billy worried.
“I’m just looking!” My voice echoed down the humongous vent as I suddenly slipped. “Billy! Help!” I slid down the vent and rolled on my side as Billy shouted.
“I’m coming Betty! Wait there!” Everyone decided to follow and by the time I saw Billy, Billy and I heard the girls screaming and the guys laughing down the slippery vent.
“We stick together!” Quinn fainted in Tanek’s arms.
“Yeah, now who’s gonna get the magical rope and magically bring us back up?” I knuckled her hair roughly.
“I’m freaking out guys. I don’t want to be here. It’s *****. It’s rusty. I like these pants! Dalek! Why’d you push me down?!” Nelly heated.
“Shh! We can’t wake the aliens.” Dalek gulped and held her head tightly to his chest.
“There it is!” Billy shouted. The wrinkley green face ran out a different vent outside.
“We’re okay guys, look. We’ll go outside that vent, there, and we’ll be okay.” We crawled in relief and I was the first person to fall. I fell in the sand as well as everybody else mocked.
“Damit Dalek, I can‘t believe you got me into -” Nelly choked on the sand. The green alien appeared and spoke.
“Greetings!” it giggled. “I’m alien here harvest your brain.” It chuckled. It spat a big laugh and spoke again “Just kidding, my name is Jungalo. I see you’re in danger. You shouldn’t be here.” I look up into the bright sky light as I shadow my eyes with my hand. It’s definitely not human. But a male creature I assume. He stands awkwardly with a cup of fresh sardines in his awkward hands coming from the purple lake as the wind whistles. The warm peanutbutterflies flutter in the peanut fields. Millions and millions of peanuts. The green alien walked us down the trails of snails and over a few bridges. The lake’s shore was covered with sardines. Jungalo grabbed the purple well water took a bucket full of sardines too.“Hey there Jungalo!” The purple kids shouted from a distance; little goats apparently allergic to fish. I tried catching the peanutbutterflies to eat, because Jungalo said they tasted good. The creatures tasted scrumptious. We stumble across the rocky trails and jump into his tree house. Not any old regular tree house. A door on the tree that has a staircase. An underground house. Jungalo puts the sardines in the *** and lets it boil. I find these white fluffy candy planted around the tree. It’s shaped like a mushroom but we call Jungalo says their marshmellowshrooms, AKA double M shrooms. I love the feeling and smell of them so I pick them.
“Don’t! Don’t! Put that down!” The little green alien’s awkward fist monstrously hit me and I fell to the floor. Not just that, but I blacked out.
*
My breathe escaped and I jumped off the couch. I looked around the living room dizzy and unaware of my surroundings. The wooden floors were scratched and there was tomato juice spilt on the carpets. I had a feeling that tomato juice wasn’t the only thing we consumed.
I was too frightened to move. Seeing the empty bottles laying everywhere, I fell to my knees once more and weakly fell back into my sleep.
A food I once ate. In my kitchen when my mom baked. My taste buds had an overrate. To the flower and powder in my mother’s cake. On and on I express about things that make no sense. But I still move my lips to the beat of the tense. Riding up and down the hills of confusion. Maybe there could be a lack of resolution. Make it count, make it count. My mother in blue says. I’ll remember her words for the rest of my days. Take a nap, take a nap for goodness sakes. I’ll warm you the light to discourage the shapes. I love you darling, never forget. The tears I cried when I had my baby brunette.
My eyes slightly open. Where am I? With my feather head, I stand up and see Billy. I wobble and try shaking everyone up. Nobody moves. I stumble to Billy’s face and try to wake him last.
“Please wake up Billy!” I shook him and topple beside him. I try getting up even though my paralyzed legs try to stop me. I grabbed cold water from the kitchen and dumped it on his face. I watch him moan in pain and sickness.
“Billy!” I had enough energy to pull him to my chest. He looked up at me and spoke.
“Betty, what’s going on?” He grabbed me.
“I don’t know. I think we need to call for help.” I held his shoulder
“Are you kidding? We’re not doing legal things here Betty. We have to wake everyone up and we have to go home.”
“Billy I’ve already tried.” I teared. Billy tried moving everybody hard but nobody even flinched.

We heard hard loud knocks one after another behind the front door. We glance at each other quickly and clumsily walk to the door. Billy opened the door. A woman dressed in white stood there which pinched my pupils. It waited patiently just around the corner, peeking out from over the horizon. Death.
“Don’t be scared. Come with me.” She turned around as her wings fluttered like the fins of angel-fish. “Don’t worry you’ll see her very soon.”
My mom flashed before my eyes. "You're beginning to drag the ones you love down. Maybe you should just fall, and leave the world and lose it all. Maybe that's what you need, to finally see, I loved you through it all. It may feel like God went north, and left you to be. But all you need to know, is you have everything you need. It's just a blink of an eye, until the next time we meet. I'll hold you 'til the end, I'll hold you 'til you're free.” She hugged me.

I was finally home. The smell of warm sheets right out of the dryer cuddled my body. I ran out of tears. I looked in the mirror at the black stream flowing from my eyes. I could feel the dampness of my warm skin as I placed my hand upon my heated cheek. I shouldn’t have to worry about a thing right now. I was ready to sleep under the glow in the dark stars where my life centered beneath at this time of sorrow. Ready to dream away from my misery. My chest clutched and hurt from the pain. “I don’t know why I cut myself. G-d give me a sign or help. I won’t cry, it’ll be fine. I’ll take my last breathe, push it out my chest until there’s nothing left." So much hatred and emotion. I grab the side of the bed, pulling up fast, and the movement strains my pain to a point where, briefly, I’m breath taken—gasping, wincing, grimacing, crying out, reacts however-the-heck I decide. Exactly, my eyes go down briefly and I may or may not break a sweat from the pain—then gripping on it, sets my jaw, pulls myself together as it subsides, and sits there glaring ferociously at my unexpected company. My cat sits beside my thoughts. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. My eyes were slightly open and I drained my very last drops of tears. I can just relax now. I turned towards the rising moon and it was then I could see my eyes glisten in the reflections as I fought to be strong. 10:00 at night the darkness filled my room. I snuggled under my covers until the blanket reached my cold nose. I stared blankly at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling as my eyes were sore and red. They eventually shut and my body numbed out.

It was around two in the morning when I woke up to a terrifying dark room of despair. A cool shudder trickles down my spine. Glancing around nervously, I see somber portraits staring at my pale face from behind layers of dust, seemingly penetrating right through me. Cold, hesitant light streams in through a cracked window, casting eerie shadows on the walls. I was wide awake but my body couldn’t move. I couldn’t even speak. I tried to push out a breath and remain in being. I tried so hard to move, just a muscle. But they would tense up harder each time I tried to move. I couldn't protect myself or scream. I was paralyzed.
The chasm between me and the clock echoed wave-like ticking bombs. I tried to force myself to get up. Several times of aggravating, it suddenly happened. In the split of a second, the air ****** the breath right out of me and I fell on the floor. I didn’t feel a thing. I felt weightless. Kind of like, a ghost. I stood up with my mind. Effortless. I didn’t know what was happening. I was awake and aware of my dark surroundings and everything that was going on around me. I felt my eyes widen over my head while I watched myself sleep. Especially when I was sleeping with open eyes. I got close to my body and slightly put my hand over my face. I got closer and closer to my body. Almost touching it, I zone out into a scary phase. Suddenly, I get ****** back into my body. I saw my room contract back and forth. I was back into my body and I still couldn’t move or speak. I tried again and broke a sweat. This time I flew out of my room and fell in the hallway. I got up slowly and peeked into my mother’s room. I saw her breathing into her pillow. I was amazed and scared in what I was doing. How far can I go? It felt so real and so unreal at the same time. I started walking into my living room then headed down the stairs. It was suddenly bright outside, like I started dreaming again. My mother, father, and brother was having a scrumptious dinner with me. My dog and cat snuggled on my leg. My dog’s tail waved quickly side to side and my cats face rubbed in my ankle. The sun made everyone’s smile shine. There was a lot of happiness and laughter. The scene went over very quickly. My heart started to cry of happiness and joy. Then suddenly I felt a tremble. I flew backwards to the trail I was in. Retracing every footstep I had in 3 seconds. I got ****** back into my body one last time. That’s when I awakened and gasped for air in extreme exhaustion. The lines in my face showed the hurt on my mind, suffering the night as though it were happening again. Looking in the mirror, my face looked slim, with an almost ghostly pallor. The life in my eyes had faded every second since, the dark circles beneath them showing my obvious lack of sleep. My body as a whole had lost itself, hunched over, retracted, and lost its life. The stringiness of my hair made my exhaustion stand out. My clothes were wrinkled, eyes lackluster, and the lines around my mouth had vanished from the absence of a smile for so long a time.
I started to move and I looked around. I started saying random things to speak again. I was in my body again. I sat up in my bed and rubbed my arms. My muscles were weak, tingling, and tired. I plotted back onto my bed. I was afraid to go back to sleep. It was 2:30 in the middle of the night. I sat in my bed thinking to myself. To think about what I could do. I had a power. A dangerous power. I could convey my soul. I could be awake and aware of everything around me. But how far could I travel? How long could I stay out of my body? Could it **** me if I went out too long? Will it shut me off completely? The questions lingered through my head. I eventually shut my eyes. Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning. Perhaps I could try again.

Take me from this hospital bed
Save me from the words left unsaid
They creep up in my memories
When I have trouble sleeping
The riots flutter through me
The burning wood lets me down
I feel so let down so used up and so worthless
When she said she loved me
I’d do everything for you
The lies hurt me
Nothing but lies
It got so bad and the pain froze me up
A ***** a ***** and a liar
I looked at myself paralysed and numb
The only person I have is next to me
Until everything gets better
He’s all I have and love
Her voice creeps up my memories and I have a picture
My eyes bawl out and I cant breathe
She left me and threw me out
Take me from this hospital bed
Into the broken light

The way things are
Are desperately far
Far away from the truth
The truth with peace
Which starts with your brother
Your mother and father
The way they talk to you
The hopeless and worthless person
Will soon become more than hopeless and worthless
To have an idea in this universe
This universe of differences
But what you do is what the whole universe is doing
Trying and trying
The world worsens into lies
Because you can’t handle the truth
When you can’t forgive yourself
With open hearts we will
Embrace our mistakes
We’ll be okay
The way things are
Are desperately far
From the way it should be
We’ll get there, you and me.

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry. You don’t know how lovely you are. Thursday Feb 1st 2018

               This is probably one of the hardest days of my life. Making this decision. I have a little one growing in me. And… I don’t want it. And if I really didn’t want it, why do I still cry from the fact that I could have it? If I really didn’t want it, why does it hurt so much to think of abortion. Why do I picture myself laying down on my blue and white carpet and holding my child over me? Why am I taking my child for a walk in the nature? Why am I singing about bumble bees to my sweet child? Why is yellow his/her favourite colour? Why do I picture the love of my life smiling? And why did he have to cry?... Maybe I’m selfish. And even though I know I’d be the best mom, the kindest mom, a nourishing mom, a loving mother that couldn’t let go of her or his little fingers; I cannot now.

I could do what others do. I could have my family. I’ve sinned and haven’t forgiven myself yet. Probably because I know I’ll do it again. Though I’d have my child as the sweetest, I still carry bags of salt. Though I’d have a child that gives, I still carry bags of gold. Though I’ll fill the child with wisdom, truth, and goodness, I will still carry a heart of stone, and a mind of ego. Or maybe I just know myself too well, maybe I’m in tune with myself too much to know what’s right, maybe I can truly follow my instincts, and so I really feel like I can make the best decision.

               My mother made me to save her. And I couldn’t save her. I never wanted to do the same mistake. And I need to be saved, anyway. Will I have this child? After all these thoughts written down. How can I decide. I’ve been convinced several times by several different people to keep it, and they’ll help me. But, I… just don’t want it. I’m not ready. It might never hear the soothings of my voice. It’ll never walk in the nature.

I take life very seriously and I value life. I don’t want to base my decisions on the advice of those who don’t have to deal with the results. It’s agony that I might have to carry my baby in my heart rather than my arms. But who really decides to carry this burden. I do. I get to decide all of it. Just like how I decide to be happy in life. Just how I decide the path I’ll chose tonight.

After thoughts:

        When that child was in my yellow belly, it wasn't quite yellow at all. I felt all the eyes awaken when it was in me. My whole world spun and I didn't recognize where I was at. My streets were dark, I was stuck in the present moment, petrified. Sounds like I resisted? I did. It wasn't depression, but it was my soul speaking to me. My spirit create another. My conscious creating another. My blood creating a heart beat. It was much more complicated then any imagination. An empty void pretty much, possibly existing in a black whole, could be spiritual, could be a gift. Could I have handled this for 6 more months? Or, 20 more years? I wasn't passionate, but I felt it. I was it. I was creating it. It was in me. It was a meditation of spinning figure eights. It was a spider hatching out of his cocoon. It was confusing. That's when my 10th eye opened. I was traveling different dimensions for all I can say. I don't think most people are aware or even conscious of what's happening to the women's psyche when creating a child. Nobody ever told me these experiences. Nobody ever even shared an interest. Or was it just me?

        This was the good decision I've made. I've experienced something a male scorpion couldn't possibly try to comprehend. But, a child, is another universe, another dimension, another perspective, another possibility of the infinite. Some things people that haven't experienced won't understand. I was not ready for it, but I'll know what's coming when I am ready. Valuing life is not a weakness. And disregarding it is not a strength. Next time you gamble, bet your own life.