I can feel hopelessness in between your texts,
I can feel hopelessness in your voice
I understand your fears,
Whenever you tell me that youll be the last thing i want to see or hear from one day, my heart breaks
You are scared that it will all end one day
I am scared too but i choose not to think about it.
I choose to be positive about us and enjoy every moment with my blindfold on
Coz, i only want to think of you at that moment.
I only want to see you at that moment.
Please lets do this together,shall we.
I love you so so much, i dont wish to think of an ending.
When it all ends, my prayer is, i hope i will be strong enough to face the world without you in it.
You have no idea how much i love you deeply,  you have noo idea.

I got to say it anyway even if you dont want to hear it.
Making love with you was magical.
You got me,  you knew every weak spot..
You knew where to hold,  where to touch,  where to kiss..
To get me to the mood always.
You knew how how to make love to me.
You knew how to make me ***-probably the only one who's achieved that.
I get these feelings whenever i am just about to meet you-like sinking date.
It's un describable.
The joy i feel.  The butterflies.  I just get into the mood immediately.  
You are one person I'll probably never get over.  
You cast a spell on me or something.  You.. You are...you are..always will be "that one."

Can I be honest with you?
I am deeply in love with you,so much that it consumes me,all of me.
I try so hard to restrain myself from being in this situation but the harder I try,  the more I feel hurt and depressed.  
I don't know when or how I got myself here,  I swear I have been in relationships like this before-i mean the kind I feel am not in control ,  but it's never felt like this one.  
I have been heartbroken,  once to be precise,  took me years to get over,  then you came.  
But why is it that the men I am in love with make me feel depressed (hidden depression)
Is it that I love stupidly?  Wholly?  
Should I just not be in love and just enjoy the feeling of being loved?  
Why God?  
Am I cursed from feeling loved and my love appreciated?  
Why do I always have to shed tears when I fall in love?  
Why?
Honestly this isn't good for me,  or rather I wasn't meant to be with anyone I was deeply in love with.
I am Letting go-the hardest thing to do,  but I have to do this.  
Am hurting myself, sadly I know you think am being too paranoid,  but yeah, that's it..
That's how much I love you and I know it's not a good thing.  Even if you were to give me the attention and show me more love,where would this relationship go to?
My love is always a forbidden one.  
So,  I dont want to make this harder in future than it is now,
am sorry but I don't want this.  It's killing me.  
It's draining me
It's driving me insane
It's making me hate myself and lowers my self esteem
I feel stupid,  being in love like this.  
How could I?
Cant I just read between the lines and know how you want this relationship to be..
But again,  why should I, I can't control my heart..
I'll. Miss you,  I'll miss us,  but I have to go.
Thank you for making me fall in love again,  thank you for awakening my feelings again
Thank you for making me enjoy love makings once again,  I'll probably never get over this.
Thank you for the support you've always shown me
Thank you for coming into my life again.  Truth is,  I loved you many years ago,  but I was still fighting with getting over my first love, while clinging onto another relationship,so I said no to opening that door.  I loved you then,  I ran away from it,  only for it to catch up with me later.  
You have your own way of loving,  caring,  and all..
But I am a horrible lover,  when I fall in love,  I let it take control over me.  
I swear,  I am Letting you go,  it's for the best,  at least I need to get some of the love and give myself-even if I'll only grab away a quarter of it.
I know with time,  I shall regain all the love I showered on you and give me all to myself first.  Hold to it tightly...
and this is the last time I'll shed a tear while writing this.

So i have been doubting my self confidence lately. I look at myself in the mirror wondering why i look like that. I see an ugly picture of me in the mirror every time and i see a girl with weird eyebrows, no hairline, weird smile and colored teeth. Like, i lost trust in me. Like i have become my own enemy. An enemy of my own body. Before taking any picture, i try as much as i can to employ the little makeup ideas i have on my face so as to look 'cute' but then even so, i end up deleting almost every one of them because they are not 'good enough' They are not up to standard.

I have always felt like this since childhood, that  my body is not good enough. i don't like the stretch marks, i don't have a flat tummy, i don't dress well enough or even have good *****, i don't have a pretty face, like i have really been mean to myself. But there is a time i started looking at myself differently, when you walked into my life. i felt complete, i felt free and easy whenever i was around you. I could easily undress in front of you because you told me i was pretty. You told me you loved my body, you told me you loved my smile, you told me you loved my *****, you told me you loved every bit of my body. You told me you loved me truly and deeply. You made me feel so special, and loved and i loved every moment of it.

But why did you walk away, was it all for an act? An act to get what you wanted? Or were you just thirsty i was just a stopover to quench it? Even so, couldn't you say goodbye and a thank you before you left? Why did you just walk away like that. I keep asking myself so many questions. Is it something i did? Is it something i said? Is it that i am unlovable? Why does every man i love in my life keep walking away from me? Why is it that every man i care for deeply and show my love fully always leave? Maybe its just me, maybe i am too ugly to look at twice. Maybe i am not good enough in bed. Maybe i do not know how to kiss back when kissed. Maybe i am disgusting and you cant pretend to like me anymore. Maybe i just don't deserve to love anyone. Or maybe, i am just too stupid and dumb. I cant concentrate, I need to know what it is with me that makes me so undatable.

I really need to know because it hurts deeply. It hurts so much but then i have to wear a happy face every day when i am with other people. I have to pretend i am okay. Truth is, i am not okay, i am hurting. I think i have cried enough, i have hated myself enough, i have been too mean to myself. But how do i love myself if love hurts this much? I don't want to keep hurting, i want to heal. I want to feel alive again. I want to be happy. Its just so hard! You took it all away. You hated me this much to an extent that you took away the only last hope i had of love. You took away the smile with you, the liveliness in me, the focus in me, the confidence, you took it all away. You hate me too much that you decided that i do not deserve any of it. I need to get out of this cage. I hope one day, just one day i can look into the mirror and see a beautiful girl in me once again.

I still recall clearly,
Our first time,our first night,
I was so scared,scared that maybe- just maybe i
was crossing over to the darker side..
We had our privacy in that small room,just us
I cant forget..
I recall so well,
I was sitted on that bed,
So afraid that i couldn't undress a you watch,
If given a chance i'd swach with my shoes on,
As if you read my thoughts,my fears,
You came and sat by my side,holding my hand
softly,
I could feel my veins soften up,
My heart beats increasing bit by bit,
Afraid that you could notice,i dug my head
down,
one would think am reading something on the sheets..
That was our first night..
I still recall crystal
You moved closer,
Using four right fingers,you slowly lifted my head
up,
Now we were locked up eye to eye,
Things happened so swiftly,
All i recall is seriously,romantically,passionately
engaging in a kiss..
You slucked me everywhere,
And you whispered through my ears..I love you
and your my very best!
I still remember..
Mmmh,those lips
When i close my eyes,i picture them and smile,
One would think am derranged!
When i close my eyes,i picture your body on
mine..
Well jacked and ****,
Tender and warm,
That night was a NIGHT!
I still recall Clearly..

I stop trying when I feel I am not wanted anymore
After several attempts to show you my love
After several attempts to reach out to you
I try to keep my ego away
And keep trying to hold on
Hold on to what we had/have
But now,  Its futile
I have to stop trying.

I may feel hurt walking away
I may feel hurt trying so hard to control myself
I may shed tears
I may take it out on other people
I may hate myself for being a fool
Over and over again
I may write and write about it
Either way,  I have decided
I have to stop.
This has to stop.

I have been hurt way too many times.
I can't keep doing this to myself
I ought to love me
I ought to put me first
But I keep putting you first
Over and over,  
Even when I know you don't deserve it. Even when I know you don't love me as much
Even when I know what you think of me
Even when you don't reach out to me
Unless I do it first.  
And the one word-one sentence replies I get
Like you don't feel like it
Like I am bothering you
Like I am wasting your time.
Sorry,  love
I won't do that anymore.
I won't look for you
I won't text you
I won't call you
I won't love you anymore
But then again,  I won't hate you,  
That would be so much burden to carry.  
Goodbye.

I want to fall in love with you again
I want to feel the sparks again
I want revival
Please help me love you,
Like before
Please help me feel your kisses,
Like before
Please help me feel the warmth in your hugs,
Like before
Please help me think of you more often,
Like before
Please help me make love to you with passion,
Like before
I want to fall in love with you again
I want to feel the sparks again
I want revival.