I lost your name is the ashes left over from a burnt-down life
They say it rains this time of year
No matter how much water soaks into the soil
nothing ever grows anymore
Spare me the lost dog posters and just accept the abandonment
The moon is howling back and I didn't purchase these sheets
I forgot time was glued to my wrist and far to much was wasted before I broke my hand in order to slip out of your cuffs
I've been told I wear a life jacket now
Something to keep me afloat when the world crashes in on me again
But dear, I long to rest at the bottom of the ocean
The silence and darkness seem inviting compared to the war thats been taking place in my head these past few weeks
The half moon was lost in a field that holds paint black nights
and somewhere much further away I placed my heart in order to protect it from my thoughts
Every so often a plane lands with it to remind me that love is the most important thing we can have
There's a flickering light in the distance that I'm missing
My compass only points in one direction and I'm walking with a blindfold on and headphones in playing the same song on repeat
No matter how loud the volume, all I hear is your voice whispering about a home we could build and a book we could share
I long to pause time whenever you're around
I don't think we need anybody else these days
The only reason I wouldn't pause it is because I need the rivers to continue to flow in order to follow a path I have yet to see
There comes a time in everyones life where they have to dance alone in dreams and pretend all the pillows next to them are the body of someone they love
I wear this empty spot tonight knowing the true test of time is held quietly in the notes on her phone and her perfume that I miss

My Dear,
I love you
As sure as the sun can't be chased forever
I fall into your light
hoping the ground never destroys this feeling
In a distant desert, in some foreign land,
my heart waits, beating your name
In a world full of chaos, you are all that is still
You are all that remains real
You,
are my favorite pill
They say every high has a comedown
If that's the case, I will chain myself to the tallest building
I will live on planes
I will never accept these two feet being planted on solid ground ever again except to be with you
I once watched as you took a torch to tree they said was a million years old
Who new after the last ambers burned out, two souls were resting in the ashes
holding on by a thread
There is somewhere I want to show you
Somewhere I have never let anyone else see
If not in this life, then the next
Or the next
For I am sure, you will be with me
Time has become my biggest enemy
I'm using calendars as bullet practice and seeing your candles in my head drip off like these weeks
Worlds apart my dear
Without you, my world is incomplete

Perishable love only becomes relevant once the sun sets on the town you lived in while sleeping apart
Pain seem eternal while stuck in the trenches
Anger feels better then sadness
Though the two seem to dance together on top of my heart these days
You once asked me why I have so many cigarette burns down my arm
Look in the mirror darling and think back on what you did to me
There's your answer
Marks to never forget
I buried a box in a field that they want to turn into a graveyard
In it was the memories of all the nights you let me down
Why accept a ring if you planned on tossing me off a cliff?
Why say I do, if you really meant I don't?
The hotel room I reside in now has a widow facing north
that overlooks the part of the city where we started our foundation and it makes me sick
I hope that everywhere you and him look in my house, you see my ghost
You see the presence of a man that gave you his world only to have your lies eat the stone he was standing on until it cracked and he was washed down the river away from you forever
The last few conversations we've had have been about money
It turns my stomach to degrade love to paper but if that is what it takes to never see or hear from you again, take everything I have
You've become a spitting image of my fathers favorite joke
"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it."
The hand that dealt my cards is laughing at me for trying to play wilds when it was just a regular game
If time could speak, it'd tell me that I should be embarrassed for wasting so much of it on you
Today, when I went down to the lobby they were playing the same song you walked down the aisle too, and I rushed outside to have a cigarette and avoid the feelings that were bound to follow
They vanished with the smoke and just like my love for you,
it turned to ashes
I also avoid mirrors now
A humorous consequence of getting a lovers name tattooed over your heart
I want to cut it off though I'm already in enough pain
Tonight I'm catching a flight out of town to go be with another
Anothers
Attempting to get in a million memories in hopes that any one of you and I get pushed so far back that I will forget the way your voice sounds
Or the way your hands look
Or the way I adored you most when you were half asleep
Beyond all this hurt, opportunity is knocking at my door
I'm holding off on opening it for now because I'm not ready for anything at this point, and all I really want to do is close my eyes and never wake back up
Because even during sleep, you and him haunt me
After years of being with someone, avoiding things that remind you of them is like dodging traffic
After years of being with someone, trying to move on is like sky diving without chute
Falling
That's my existence this month
No matter where and what I'm doing, your cheating and lying have injected memories in my head that I never even saw, just know about
I long for the day where I'm hurting from another
I long for the day where I forget what your eyes look like
I'm chasing a bag in the wind hoping it covers my face

She took the role of a killer
A bride
A best friend
A cheater
A liar
And everything in between
A painting hangs on some foreign wall of you welding a dagger in your wedding dress while I’m staring off into the endless sea
The advice is repetitious
Though no words can solve the puzzle of pain
you bestowed upon my life
My life’s
The our has died along with my visions of the family and journey I believed would come true
and tonight I dine on the pieces of a mans heart that are no longer capable of loving.

I've lost my shadow under a bridge where I lay rest to all the times I've been wronged
It stops by every once in a while and asks me to play it a sad tune on my guitar
******* shadow
******* and all the places I've walked alone
I think the sun and moon are conspiring against me
in order to overthrow my pulse and lend it to someone that's worth a ****
Someone who follows there mind instead of there heart
Someone like you
I watch my ghost jump off high buildings far to often
Antagonizing me to hold its hand
Screaming on the way down all the names of the women who have shattered my world
My existence has become a record on repeat, playing a depressing song about never trusting another to hold your heart for to long
The vinyl has a single scratch that when it meets the needle my shadow and ghost appear crying and begging me to follow them into some dark forgotten place
Somewhere that robs you of your name and hurts anyone who ever loved you
Though silence is not what I'm seeking
My search is not one to numb what's left of me
It's one of bleeding on pages to strangers about a boy who lost his shadow and ignored his ghost just long enough to ride in this vessel until the wheels fall off
Just long enough to spill ink on a book and call it art
Just long enough to remind myself that the hands that created all this beauty and love, are the same ones who created all this pain and destruction.

The rain has become a constant
inside of me
Ever since the day I chose to walk away
I keep asking myself what will happen when i'm internally full of water
When their is no more room for these tears
I look for memories of when we were happy and all I get are images of him having *** with you
Sleeping in our bed
Sleeping in our house
and the sun sets on my feelings like the truth did on the night I returned home
Home
that word no longer holds any safety
It's been tainted by a life I am working to bury 6 feet under
It is tainted by a dream I saw 60 years ahead with us being old, happy, with a family
I want to set this city on fire and sleep in its ashes
For those ashes are the only warmth I'd be capable of feeling
Tattoos don't seem so permanent when your stuck in pain
Mer flesh compared to these spikes tumbling inside
I need you to poke a hole in me to drain it all before I'm topped off
Better yet, cut me open and remove these spikes and my heart for I can never be in this much pain again
City of Sin has turned into a city of heartbreak
One thing remains though
The house always wins