Aditi: Favorites

Oct 2013 Aditi

Chestpains

Oct 2013 Aditi

Douglas McDiarmid

The stain on your chest
A mess I left
As if
For something for you to remember me by.

It is where
My heart
It sank
Caved in
And then exploded.
It leaks out
In hopes of saving itself.

Contorted by your magical look
It had me hooked
I’m still wiggling.

I do wish
But never expect
A reply.

Hanging out
On the wire
Obsessed
With the idea
That a simple spark
Could start a fire.

Oct 2013 Aditi

morning light, a disguise

Oct 2013 Aditi

Douglas McDiarmid

morning light, a disguise

The dark early mornings
Where all is still quiet.
When the cities aren’t cities yet.
And I’m driving,
Like you were then.
I remember the feeling of safety
Enveloping me as I slept.
Even though you drove fast, reckless, irresponsibly.
With my eyes closed I felt nothing but comfort.
I am transported to that now
When I am behind the wheel.
Seeking that comfort.
Though the dangerous nature has been exposed
I still doze off.
It’s all I know.
All you’ve taught me.
And it hurts to be so far away now.
But I know our habits,
Not trying to suffer the way you are now.
In the guise of pleasure.
Trust was placed.
You made me this.
Through our experiences.
The soft glow of streetlights illuminating.
As you traveled up and down the mountains
Like nothing.
But really you were struggling.
I’m higher than you now.
Depressing but true.
I think of you.
But choose to keep my distance.
To not be apart of what you always were,
But I never knew.
But we will always have these near death experiences
And all the events that took place, while I was awake.
And how we both see them so differently now.
You were set on destinations.
I was lost in the scenery of anything
That presented itself.
The varying methods of heads just slightly apart.
I’ll think of this morning
Like I think of you.
Fleeting and unfortunate.
We drive on.
We get to where we are going,
Eventually.

Oct 2013 Aditi

I

Oct 2013 Aditi

Oliver

I

i want to kiss you and take you on walks heading nowhere and buy you cigarettes and read you poems and books and listen to music with you and make food for you and make love to you and just be yours.

Oct 2013 Aditi

Love Letter #1

Oct 2013 Aditi

Mikaila

Love Letter #1

The truth is every time you start to fade from the front of my mind
You say something sweet,
Something unexpected
That just knocks me out.
You can reach into my heart and move things around.
Nobody else can do that.
You're in here with me, right up against every part that never sees the sun.
There aren't words for this, this joy that crawls up my throat and makes tears well along with my smiles.
I can't hold it, I can't handle it,
How much I love you.
Never could.
I used to shake when you would touch me-
When ever.
I've loved since, but never like an earthquake, never like a mountain crumbling into the sea.
Nothing moves me like you do.
I swear, you could unmake me by the atom
Pull every little part of me apart
And I'd love it.
You could stand in front of me and say you loved me
And with your words you could separate every molecule of me
Until I burst like a dying star.
I talk in constellations, of you.
You are too immense to speak of with anything but the stars.
I could laugh or cry, or both, from how much I only want you
To be here and hold me,
To demolish our walls and turn me inside out.
You could smash me like glass
And I could be a thousand beautiful diamonds of razor sharp.
Maybe if you grind me to dust with your gravity
I will be small enough to fit the closest to you
That anything has been.
Maybe I could become a shade, and step forward,
And be in exactly the same place as you.
Maybe our hearts could overlap and sync up,
And maybe then I wouldn't long, with a terror and an ecstasy that melts me inside,
To be closer
Closer
Closer
To you,
No matter how entwined we are.

Oct 2013 Aditi

&

Oct 2013 Aditi

Mikaila

&

"Be careful she doesn't get bored with you next
It's a long way to   * f
                                       a
                                              l
                                                       l
                                                              ."
That line popped into my head
The other day
&* it's been rattling around inside
Ever since.
It's from one of my favorite books.
A book that says many true things.
I

Don't know.
It just crept inside my thoughts
& grabbed on tight.
"It's a long way to fall."

Sometimes I wonder if I am a replacement.
Maybe it's because
You aren't-
Most people are,
See.
Paper dolls
Placeholders
For the people I can't have close.
I've kissed glass lips before
Gazed through see-through collarbones
& seen only my reflection
Distorted in translucent eyes.
Sometimes they fall & break
In shards on the floor
& I see my tears
In all the little pieces.

But you
Are
Flesh.
Sometimes I ask myself
If I resent it.
I don't think I do.
(& I resent
That.-
"IT'S A LONG WAY TO FALL.")
Because I wonder,
Every so often,
If I am a paper doll to your porcelain.
If I am a poor [wo]man's lover,
Good enough                            .                        .                        .                          .
                                                                                                                                               [For now.]
I don't like those thoughts.
Maybe they are where jealousy starts,
But I feel none.
(I am glad of that-
It is the ugliest feeling I know of.)
But I do wonder, all the same,
If I am only the best
You can do
Just now.
I hate wondering that.
I hate it because I shouldn't care to wonder,
("it'salongwaytofall!")
& I hate it because I should think it's more ridiculous
Than I do.
I looked by accident
In[T]o puppydog eyes the other d[A]y
Begging for attention
At the dinner table
& I heard it li[K]e b[E]lls
"[IT]'s a long way to f[ALL]."

& mostly I do dismiss it,
The possibility that sometimes seems
Very real,
That I am a passing fad-
"It's a long way to fall."
The nagging inkling that ma[Y]be
I'm n[O]t special-
Just
New.
& that I will pass
Like aut[U]mn,
& my leaves fall
& the pretty colors gone
[W]ill leave me bare & ugly
& l[I]feless al[L] over again.
The passing thought that perhaps
The universe is speaking to me & not you,
That maybe the message is
"It's a

                                                                      [L]ong

                                                      Way


                                                                                               To

                                                                            [ F      A     L     L." ]

Quote from A Great And Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray.

Oct 2013 Aditi

Stay In My Skin With The Ink

Oct 2013 Aditi

Mikaila

Stay In My Skin With The Ink

I wonder what I did to lose you.
I wonder what I did to ever have you in the first place.
How long will it be
Before not everyone who gets anywhere near close to me
Knows your name?
I hope it's always that way.
Time comes and goes,
People,
Loves, even.
But you are like the ink in my hips,
You are there at the beginning and end of every day,
There for every first kiss
And every sob.
You are there in my head, in my heart,
In my skin,
And I don't think I could live without you.
Sometimes I forget how much of my life is you, because you are there like the sky.
Never in my life will I wander outside
And look up
And see no sky.
You're...
You're like that.
But when the night grows and swallows up the world, I think of you, I miss you,
I would confess to you
All my little feelings,
The ones that gnaw at me through the day,
The ones I trust no one else with.
Sometimes I lay in bed and think of that night in New York,
The night I broke down and told you that nothing mattered to me except you,
And that I was scared I'd **** for you and die for you
And not care about any of it if only I could just...
Look at you and touch your skin,
And instead of recoiling from me like I thought you would,
You wrapped your arms and legs around me,
You held me in every way a person can be held,
And that was the first time I have ever cried in somebody's arms,
And that is the first time I have ever gotten exactly what I needed from somebody I loved.
And when I think of that night
I love you so much it tears me up inside.
I don't think people were meant for feelings like the ones you give me.
I don't think they're supposed to exist at all.
I feel madness on the edges of how much you sway my heart,
As if I could just, one day, lose all my sanity to that feeling
And become useless and broken, out of joy, because joy can destroy just like pain can.
Darling, I'd give it up for a night with you.
If you promised that when you walked away from me I would die I would throw it all away
Without a second thought.
I know you know that. I know you've seen it proven. I know you love me anyway.
God, how do you thank someone for being your soul?
How do you even hold a concept like that in your mind?
How is it that it's been almost two years since I fell in love with you,
Treasured and lost you,
How is it that it's exactly as intense to this day, even far away and far removed?
I hope you stay in my skin with the ink,
That secret that tells the world I am yours,
And a little piece of you
Is mine.

Oct 2013 Aditi

: to jump, or fall away

Oct 2013 Aditi

Mikaila

: to jump, or fall away

What will I do
If I stop missing you?
That may be my most persistent, strangling fear:
Not the searing, direct pain of being parted from you
But the dull erosion
Of forgetting you by degrees.
What if
Someday
I am sitting in a coffee shop in the wintertime
On hiatus from my hectic life
And in the bare and honest moments of mental solitude
That come between the wisps of steam from my cup
You're not there
In my head?
What if someday, for a moment,
I live without you
And discover that I can?
That moment will be my greatest loss,
My dive from heaven,
My hardest fall.
And
I
won't
even
realize.

Originally written one week before I left for college.

Oct 2013 Aditi

A need for a title?

Oct 2013 Aditi

Cassis Myrtille

A need for a title?

I wrote
I wrote
poems of disgust
poems of love
poems of criticism
Has it ever occurred to me
that my words were more than words
that my thoughts were more than thoughts
I see,
a poem works better when you're really confused
writing it.
And this probably why
I'm trying to write the confusion out
Words are being told and written
Tomorrow
words written on a piece of paper
may perhaps, mould my destiny
And I'm more confused than ever
the day before
On whether this is the start
or this is the end
Why the sonnet?
the villanelle?
the ballad?
why, oh why
Some reason why
I saw poets drafting poems
5 drafts before a poem
and I don't why
Simply because am I not writing a poem?
that many people put pens onto their heads
and scratch their chins
Is it not a poem enough that I'm writing this?
Or filled with secrets should it be?
A need for a title?
A space for a little flight off to another world?
Where Time starts with a capital T?
And perhaps, Death too?
Is it not a poem enough that I'm writing this?
Repetition after repetition
Theme
Structure
why the need
if you dare to speak out through your words on paper?

— The End —