I am Ross
Without my Charlie

A test for love
Who’s calls
Who’s visits
Do you want the most
Who do you want in your life
To ward off feelings of loneliness
When you go on vacation
Who do you want with you
Who would you most like to comfort you
In moments of pain
When you’re life is well
Who do you want to share the news with
Do you see their face?

I just saw a photograph of you
It brought back all the good feelings
The ones of safety
The ones of happiness
The ones I had when we would sit together
With my lips lying upon yours
It also brought sorrow
I miss us
I know that we’re warring now
But I’m sorry
I know that you want to **** me
But I just want to hear your voice
I want to see your face
I want to feel your hand in mine
I want to be together again
We were amazing together
But
It’s probably best
If we don’t speak again

Rule 1: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 2: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 3: someone yells stop...
Someone goes limp
Or taps out... you stop
Rule 4: fights will go on as long as they have to
Rule 5: one fight at a time
Rule 6: no shirt, no shoes
Rule 7: two men to a fight
Rule 8: If this is your first time at fight club, you have to fight

It took me 16 years
To get one to agree to go out with me
When will the next one arrive?
When will I get to hold someone’s hand
Feel someone’s lips upon mine
Hold them close to me
Experience everything with someone new
Someone better
Someone who doesn’t tear groups apart
Someone who actually makes me safe
Someone who cares about me
Someone who won’t break up with me over Snapchat
Who will it be?
How long will it take?

Check your mail in a week
You should find a letter
One that tells you everything
Both of you should sit down
And read them
Dissect every word
Read the hate
Read the pain
That will be my last contact to both of you
So savor it
Realize what you left behind
When you started dating

I snapped you today
I didn’t think that would happen
I said congratulations
I miss you
I hope to see you rule the world one day
You said you hoped to have someone like me by your side
You apologized for dumping me
For not answering my questions
For treating me horribly after
I know you don’t owe me anything
But do me one thing
Please, never change from the man I fell for

I’ll say it
I miss him
I miss the way he held me
Close to his chest
I could hear his heart beat
Ba-dum Ba-dum Ba-dum
I thought they were drums of love
I felt safe when he held me
And stroked my arm
I felt like time stood still
I miss his lips
So soft
So firm
I miss his tongue
As it wrestled it’s way into my mouth
I miss his smile
His mischievous look
As we gazed into eachother’s eyes
At the end of every kiss
I would give everything
To be with him for one more day

I have a quote for every situation
From friendship to love
From enemies to hate
But now I see
There is no quote for heartbreak
I try to use someone else’s words
Because mine don’t feel right
But I reach out
And there aren’t any words
My security blanket made of
“As you wish”
“This is our time down here”
Of bears beets and Battlestar Galactica
Of movies, books, podcasts, shows
Even of lyrics
There are none to describe me

It’s rare
To skip a class
To talk to the teacher after
And have them apologize to you
Sure she wasn’t apologizing because I skipped
But because my relationship shattered
Because I couldn’t deal with people
Because she knew the pain I was going through
It’s rare
For a teacher who’s class you skipped
To apologize to you

I hear it’s necessary to move on
But it’s tough to close all my feelings
When I get reminded of you
Like the rings I took from your nightstand
Small, plastic, don’t fit my fingers
But they’re from our first kiss
My first kiss
They sat there on my desk
Silently asking why
Why did we break up?
You said that we rushed into things
You said that you mixed feelings
Of attraction and friendship
That you holding me in your arms
Kissing me
Telling me that you care for me
That it all felt wrong
You didn’t even say this to my face
I read it on a screen
In between a snap from Alice
Saying that she’s bored
And a snap from Alexia
Asking me to help patch your friendship
Which you broke off when we started us
And started back when we ended
Meaning that you were straying from her
Because you had feelings for her
And kept them from me
To keep me from being jealous

I found out on Snapchat
I started crying now that I’m writing this
The first time I’ve shed a tear since
Because I couldn’t get closure
From a snap
You could have at least called me
Let me hear your voice
Ask you why this was happening
I could’ve asked to keep our friendship
I could have cried these tears
Rather than bawl now
Sitting on my phone
On a chair in my room while Dark Souls plays in my computer monitor
Crying now because I couldn’t before

My parents didn’t know about us
I can’t talk to them about it now
Especially when I start to choke when I see you
I could have had closure
From talking to you rather than
Writing another ******* poem
This isn’t even helping
I can’t call you though
Without seeming desperate
Without seeming like I need you in my life
For this I hate you
But the hate isn’t giving me the closure I need

Thank you
For all those who know
Who stepped foreword
Who are trying to comfort me
Thank you

It’s so fresh in my mind though
I haven’t had time to think
To comprehend
To wallow in my self pity

Sixth period
I sat there
In front of a pig
It’s stomach open
And on view for the world to see
My phone buzzes
It’s him
I pull off those blue surgical gloves
Whip out my phone
Wait for the dot dot dot
to turn into actual words
They turn all right
They speak that you don’t feel right
That you may have rushed into this
That maybe you mixed friendship
And attraction
You take responsibility for it
But that doesn’t dull the pain
I suddenly feel as though the pig
Is better than I am
With its guts exposed and all
I want to cry
But I try to keep it together
I grab the knife
Start cutting into the guts
Tears welling in my eyes as I try to keep strong
I wanted to cry
I just leave after that
It doesn’t matter that I had class
It doesn’t matter that I had friends waiting
I just leave
I go home to wallow
To think
To cry the bitter tears that push up against my eyes
I hoped that this was all a dream

You all warned me
And I ignored you
I told myself that we wouldn’t break up
I told myself that we had a relationship
Stronger than his last one
Which crumbled like mine did today
You told me he’d use me
And toss me aside like a human ******
I feel stupid for not heeding the words you spoke
I was naïve to think that we could last
The three months he had left here

You all are here for me
And I love you all
When I’m ready to shed these bitter salty tears
I know you’ll be here to dry my cheeks
And hold me in your collective arms
The way he did last week

I thought he could put me back together
But he only stole the pieces
I hope I can get them back

So...
I guess we broke up
Pain strikes
Sharp as a knife
It’s true what they say
Your first relationship
Hurts the most

So bitter
So wonderful
Every morning you wake me
Every morning you call out
You horrible
Wonderful habit

Every morning
I follow a routine
The same one I’ve followed for years
Alarm goes off
Get dressed
Walk the dog
Skip breakfast
Grab coffee
Run to catch my bus
Every morning
It’s the same

You held me
We laid in your bed
The tv played in the background
I rested my head on your shoulder
Your lips inched closer to my cheek
I raised mine to meet yours
We sat there
You held me
like nothing had happened
But it had

I know I have to tell them
But I can’t
I know they’d be fine with it
I just have to say it
“Mom, Dad,
I’m bisexual
I was dating a guy
And we are so cute together.”
That’s all I have to say
They’d be happy
They’d love me
But my brain just drifts
To the worst case scenario
Where they yell
And kick me out
Where I lose everything
That will never happen
But I’m still afraid

You were wondering yesterday
What am I talking about?
Karol told me
Rewind to Thursday

I sent her a text
Asking to set me up
She didn’t know who
Instead she said
“Four guys I’m with
They all want to smash you.”
“Who”
She wouldn’t tell me

I was stupid
I trusted the one you should never trust
Damon
We talked
Asked about the other
Who they would ****
My top 5 flew out of my fingers

Friday
I wear her down
I get the list
You’re on it
Also on mine

Once again
I was stupid
“Damon”
“”Accidentally“ mention to Jake
He’s on my list

As far as I know, he did

The Weekend
I was expecting a call
A snap
A text
Asking about the lists
Nothing

Monday
We hung out
Nothing

Tuesday
I sent you the question
“Are we just going to ignore it
Or are we going to use the weirdest solution
To the weirdest problem?
You didn’t know what I was talking about
My chest seized
I couldn’t bring myself to explain

So, I’ll  explain now
I have a crush on you
I don’t know if you were high
Or if Karol’s list was true
But if you do
I want you
You know how to contact me
Think
Let me know
Three months isn’t a lot
But it’s enough for me

The most unexpected person
Reached out
Told me things I needed to hear
That someone is here for me
Someone who knows me
Who understands me
Who knows how to cheer me up
He gathers the pieces and tries to place them in the right spots
He tried
He failed
I am still broken
Still incomplete
One piece missing
A void he tries to fill with his heart
But it just doesn't fit
I love him, but not in the same way
I love The Other, and only they can truly fix me

If you find me
Just know something
I have lost everything I love in life
I have lost family
I have lost friends
I have lost special moments that make life worth living

I don't write this to make you pity me
I write it so that you understand that I am broken
I write it so that you understand that I may seem cheerful
But underneath lies the wreckage that has been wrought

Even as I sit here I wonder
What if I had gone to prom tonight
What if I had taken that puff on Wednesday
What if the man I love realized that I am fine with three months
Because any time I can spend in his arms
Will make me feel safe
Will make me feel happy
Will make me whole again

The tears stream down my face though
The music plays in the background
The words flow out of me
All congealing into a poem of regrets
Into a poem of disappointment
Into a poem of longing
Into a poem of sadness

It says this is by another author
That much is true
The author isn't me
The author is my soul
pouring out my life
Reaching out for something
For someone
Reaching out to feel an embrace

Please...
If you find me
Make me whole again

Welcome to the Day of Silence
A peek into our life
A life where we can’t speak the truth
About something as simple as ourselves
About who we truly are
Try it
Stay silent all day
Think about how hard it is
Welcome to our lives

To all of those insulting people for being gay
calling them “***”
or are otherwise homophobic
you don’t have to answer, just read
How many of you are gay yourselves? How many of you have a gay family member or close friend?
How many of you have known what it’s like to come out?
To know that you may not be welcomed by your friends or family?
To have to keep your mouth shut about a piece of yourself
out of fear of being rejected over something you can’t control?
If you don’t know the pain that festers inside
You have no right
To insult those who feel that pain
Every
Single
Day

You told me
“Take the class
Show up once a week
Do four hours of work
In forty five minutes.”
I said
“Okay”
And we shook
I knew it wouldn’t work
Taking two classes
Scheduled for the same time
I wanted to drop it
You forced me not to
Here we are
Nine weeks later
I’m failing the class
You wouldn’t let me drop
And now you tell me
My only choices are to fail
To fail
Or to fail
You set me up for failure
When you should’ve set me for success.
*******

Give me a chance to be your boyfriend
To bring flowers
To bring chocolates
To bring happiness
Give me a chance to be your boyfriend
To show you my love
To show you who I am
To show you how kind I can be
Give me a chance to be your boyfriend
I know the situation
I know you broke up
With my friend
I am the one
That talked you through it
Almost every night
That reminded you that
You’re perfect
That kept him away
Even if it ruined our friendship
I put everything on the line
I have told you
“I’m all in”
Give me a chance?

On behalf of all men
We’re sorry
We’re sorry that we lie
When telling the truth would be better
We’re sorry that we demand
When simply asking would be easier
We’re sorry that we are *******
When simply talking about our problems is healthier
On behalf of all men
We’re sorry that we are complete idiots
But that’s because
We need you to help us be smarter

Do you ever feel
Like you aren’t you
Living your life
Like you are just walking
In someone else’s skin
Do you ever feel
Like you aren’t controlling
What you do in your life
Do you ever feel
Like you are watching your life
From another view
Do you ever feel
Like there’s more than you know
About yourself

I saw an old friend on Monday
Ran into her at the bookstore
She was my first crush
We had so many memories
We read The Fault in Our Stars together
We would often say
Okay?
Okay
Not out of love
Out of a willing that what we had
Would never end
That changed when I told her
What I really felt
We have so many good memories
Of us texting till 3 in the morning
Describing our dream life
Eating lunch together  
But all of them were blocked by
Her response
We were walking home together
We lived a block away from eachother
Hey
Yeah
I have to tell you something
She turned her head to the right
Her expression as if she knew
Her black hair dragging
Across her shoulder
Her white shirt blocked by hair
Her tan shoulder with
her blue backpack strap
Her left foot leads as I say it
I have a crush on you
My sentence trailing
A pause of complete awkwardness
Oh... I
I don’t
I’m so sorry
I like
Someone else
Then she moves away
That was three years ago
But
All this floods back
In the second I hear her voice behind me
Excuse me... Atticus?

Take me out
Three words
Two meanings

Take me out
**** me
Stab me in the heart
Throw me off a cliff
Stop my pain

Take me out
Date me
Fill my heart
Look at the city on the cliff tops
Stop my pain

Take me out
Either way
I win

Who knew you didn’t need a heart to live?
Mine was torn up
Torn out
Thrown away

Left on ...
After the declaration
Then it pops up
You are my best friend

She yells at you
Not out of anger
But
Because you’re there to be yelled at
To give advice
To give your soul

My heart was stolen
I guess I don’t need it
But
I didn’t even see the theif

If you need an ear
To listen to your problems
If you need a shoulder
To cry all the bitter memories away
If you need someone
To sit by your side
If you need a friend
To show that life is worth living
If you need an outlet
to yell, call names, hit
If you need me
I’m just a phone call away

Stan Lee
Comic book savior
Real life hero
The immortal man

Optomists dream
Create the plane
The tallest towers
Pessimists nightmare
Create the parachute
The safety regulations
Which are you?

She’s best friend just moved
She said she has no friends left
She quickly said
“I have no friends to talk with”
She still revised
“I have no friends
To talk about boys with”
Have I not helped her
Get through her breakup
Helped her
Push away the ex
Have I not heard
Every
Single
Problem
Do I not know
Every embarrassing story
Her family
Has she not invited me
Alone
To her house
To “watch TV”
Where really we talked about
Her relationships
Her want to “carelessly flirt”
Her family problems
Did I not treat her better
Did I not put myself out
Did I not go all in
Just to get rejected
Just to hear about more problems
Am I not a friend
She has talked girl talk with
Even if I’m a guy
If I’m not a friend
Who am I?

I feel like there’s
A new her
I feel that feeling but
I’m so dead that
She would have to say
“Hey, you”
I would say
“Hey her”
She would have to tell me
She loves me
I would have to
Believe
Heal
Move on
I can do that
Right?

Why me
The universe decided me
I want to know why
Why can’t I be happy
Be in love
Be me
Why?

“Baby shoes for sale
Free
Never worn”
- Ernest Hemmingway

I wanted to write something
So I’ll write this
I have no idea what it’s about
But does it have to be about anything
Couldn’t a poem be about
A puppy
A clown
A funny story about your life
Or even some mix of them all
Theses are all just random thoughts
That I’m putting in the poem
I have no idea how to get Her to like me
I know it’s over with She
But
I guess I’ll move on to Her
I guess that this is all for
My random chaos poem

I lived with my sister for a while
She goes to college
I played video games while she was working
She worked a lot
I met her many roommates- they’re very nice
She has four roommates
I didn’t go to bed until late night
She doesn’t sleep much
I was living at college for a while
My sister invited me

I have ways
To hold myself
I have ways
To keep my mind in eternal check
But sometimes
The wall breaks
Not water but thoughts
No, emotion
Emotion floods my actions
Then the dam is repaired
I am back in check
I hold myself
Cradling myself
Keeping myself safe
But not from you
The floods take me over
These dams
Protect me
From me
Only one thing
Can reinforce that wall
Her
Seeing her
Hearing her voice
****
Even reading a text from her
Just thinking about me and her
I grow calm
I just stop
The waters lower
And the process starts over
But
She has removed that
She took the reinforcement
She took my happiness
It’s not her fault though
I guess
BF
Stands for
Best friend
And nothing else

Why does she not see me
The way I see her?
What is wrong with me
Do I not make her
Laugh
Smile
comforted
Am I
Ugly
Rude
Insensitive
What is wrong with me
That I find
An amazing
Beautiful
Smart friend
And I ruin it
By trying to be more
By trying to find happiness
By trying to explore ourselves
By trying to be an us
Rather than a
Me
And a you
I don’t care if people know
I need to express my pain
I need to express my love
I need to express me
I love you
And nothing can change that
Now do you see
How much I care?

Anyone who’s had their heart broken
Especially by one
You truly loved
Knows “The Feeling”
We all know
The general ache
Your heart shattered
Everyone knows
The feeling of emotional emptiness
But
There’s a third
Everything else melts
Into the background
Color fades
Voices become monotonous blahs
The feeling from those movies
Something happens to the character
Suddenly
It’s all black
Jazz plays in the back
Signs pass too quick to read
When they’re your life
Your purpose
Your drive to get through the day
When they’re everything you have
And it’s taken away
You get “The Feeling”
Where everything becomes nothing
You are just floating
In an abyss

My life is wrecked
I asked her out
She said
I value our friendship
I listen to music
To sedate my pain
I hear a beat
An open to a song
“Ba dun da da
Bun da da duh
DA dun dun dun”
The lyrics come on
“I would say I’m sorry
If I thought that it would
Change your mind”
It’s one of heartbreak
Swallowing your feelings
“‘Cause boys
Don’t cry”

At one point
You are set down
And never picked back up
At one point
You never talk
To your childhood friends again
You are never the best
At every task you acomplish
You will have a pet
For part of your life
But all of theirs
Now is the oldest you’ve been
Yet the youngest you’ll be again
You’ve never directly seen
Your own face