We were apart for too long, you and I
I have no idea what caused that separation
But it’s fixed now
And I can finally write again
I held do many words behind my teeth
Rather than saying them to you
By losing all of you
I lost a piece of myself
Every morning when I awake
I do four things
1: check Snapchat
2: check my email
3: check to see what you said
4: double check to make sure I heard you
I lost myself without you all
You tether me
Without you — all of you— I would float away
Away from sanity
Away from reason

The last thing I wrote was so many words
Because each line marks me
Speaks of what I felt over the last months
But I’m moving on
Not forgetting,
Rising, learning, moving
Doing stupid things
I just did something really stupid
And immediately I wish I could take it back
****
And so there I go,
A tether snapped
So I start floating
Until someone can pull me back down

Sick enough that I can’t talk
I want to sleep
I can’t stay home
I have to go to school
Even with my throat on fire
My head pounding a steady beat
My nose on the edge of sneezing
How much is enough to stay home?

”So this is odd,
A painful realization,
That all has gone wrong”
It starts when I put on my headphones
Every time
Sane songs
Each word carrying a message
Straight into me
“I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we have to speak”
Every word striking a realization
That I had to avoid the people I loved the most
Her, and her, and her
But not him
“I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us”
I’ve apologized
She’s accepted
But we no longer have the energy we did
Devoted to each other
Empty looks are shared
“Cause you’re gone, I get nothing
And you’re off with barely a sigh
I never said “Goodbye””
And you left
I don’t blame you one bit
I wouldn’t want to have been around me either
Yelling out the falsehoods I was told
I was wrong
“Waiting here with hopes
The phone will ring
And I’m thinking awful things”
Mostly what caused me to hurt
Those reasons of *******
The man who ran
“The martyr is meaningless “
I think we all know why
I think we all know who
But still I say
“”I hope that you’re happy,
You really deserve it,
This will be best for us both in the end””
Because I don’t know what else to say
“Please send me anything
But signals that are mixed”
I miss you
But don’t know if you miss me
“These are the places I’ve come to fear the most”
The ones where we would see each other
Have to talk
Be civil
Because I don’t know you anymore
I used to tell you
“Take this bitter pill,
This medicine
Hope you swallow, choke, and die”
The music ends,
Instinctively
I reach up
Tap play
And move on

I found them today
Written in a notebook surrounded by math
Two letters
Four pages
5 post scripts
9 reasons, each starting with “*******”
I never sent them as I promised
But today I read them
And I cried
I cried for my stupidity
For the time lost
And for the pain I morphed into rage before
Out of that rage I got nothing but more pain
Out of that pain I got these letters
Seeping with insults
Seeping with “how could you”s
Seeping with anger
Asking him if “your sadistic goals were filled”
And asking her “how could you play with my emotions?”
Something that never happened,
But was whispered in my ear
Two letters
I promised to send them
I told you both to “check your mailbox
In about a week
There should be a letter”
But I never sent it
And I’m glad I didn’t

Thank you to all who have helped me grow
Thank you to all who have given me struggle
Thank you to all who have believed in me
When I didn’t believe in myself
Thank you for giving me strength
Thank you for showing me my mistakes
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you everyone I ever knew
For teaching me about a piece of myself
I may not have even known was there
And to most of those I’ve fought with,
I’m sorry
To most of those who wronged me,
It’s okay

Thank you to all of you
I’m sorry to most of you
And I am trying to move on
To become someone new
Because I don’t like where I have ended up
Let’s find out where my road leads

As if nothing happened
You walk in
Asking to play Monopoly
You’re civil
No longer giving me a look
As if you’re saying with your eyes
“I’ll **** you”
As if nothing happened
You ask me how my summer was
You make idle conversation
You make jokes you made before
Even some at his expense
As if nothing happened
We played our game
No emotion across your face
As you sit next to me
Laughing as we roll a six and a nine
A four and two tens
As if nothing happened
We sit
We laugh
We play

I want to write a book
Make me into a story
Sprinkle in some laughter
Some happiness
Take out the hate that became last spring
But how do I write the truth
Without being able to admit my pain to myself
I am human, sure
But I’m more
I need to know
Who am I?