Disharmony
Disjointed notes of pain
Cacophony
Of voices driving me insane

So conflicted
So out of place
The damage inflicted
shows on my face

I used to try to hide it
But now I am far too weary
I can't climb out of this pit
The charade has grown dreary

You say I like this feeling
You say I am just lazy
That, that is why I'm not healing
That, that is why I feel crazy.

What do you know about me
that I didn't share with you
How wrong can one person possibly be
How can you say something so untrue?

The war I fight
is on the inside
I wrestle my demons day and night
with nowhere to hide

I cry out to God for mercy
I cry out to heaven for healing
I pray quietly for these demons to leave me be
I get impatient - No answer comes through the ceiling
While I lay awake
fighting my fight
hearing my mind and heart break
every day and night

I try to stand
but I fall back down
I am reaching out for a helping hand
from the grave I dug in the ground

I look around
for the voice of hope
and yet I am still bound
By the chains of my past and a hangman's' rope

I dance around these thoughts
that swim like sharks inside my brain
while my luster for my life rots
and yet I sit here and pretend to be sane

These pages don't judge me
like the world probably would
The ink spills from my heart - and silences the demon no one sees
Writing helps more than really anything else could.

Take a step back from me please
Walk away before you see my disease
I don't want to talk because I say far too much
I don't want a hug or a comforting touch
It doesn't make any of the pain subside
It doesn't erase the scars on the inside
I don't know if you are human or monster
So please, just leave me alone, sir
I don't even know if I am human or monster
It seems I may be half and half, sir
With so many scars stitching this smile to my face
It may seem unnerving or way out of place
Mainly its forced, so it seems like nothing is wrong
My words weave a pretty yet deceitful song
I'm fine, thanks for asking - I am hanging in there
Just so it seems I haven't a care
it keeps up these walls I built to keep you out
Or to lock myself away - so no one could hear me shout
Its my double edged dagger I planted in my own back
Its a personal torture another turn on the rack
I can isolate myself in a room full of others
Because I was always alone even with my siblings and mother
They saw me as a sum of all the trauma inflicted
I was the burden - Which is why I live life conflicted.

I am bleeding out from old wounds nobody sees
No comfort ever brings comfort to me
My broken mind and shattered heart
Have tried my whole life to tear me apart
feeling lost and lonely and scared
because none of my family ever cared
I was their burden - I was their shame
I was the one whom they couldn't speak the name
So they turned their backs to forget what they've done
They took the meaning from my life and thought that they won
As long as I am breathing I am living proof that they lost
As long as I keep going forward no matter the cost
I will let go and banish the demons they gave me
And let Christs' healing be what will save me
So I am not lost, though they led me astray
The blind leading blind - Well God gave me my sight today
So I could see clearly the webs of deceit
That bound my heart mind, hands and my feet
I can see through their whispered millions of lies
the part of me that perpetuates them - well today that part dies
I need to limit the voices circling in my mind
to shut out the hurtful - only hear what is kind
I need to hand over control to God - Who made me
I need to render spirit from flesh to set myself free
I will crucify the part of me that wants me dead
I will rise from those ashes and walk where angels have tread
I was created to be more than the sum of my trauma -The sum of the worlds endless lies  
When I come up on top - they will all be surprised
Healing takes time so I will take it slow
and soon I know the progress will show.

A life filled with uncertainty
That spills upon a page
A heart bled dry and empty
Torn apart through its age

So young and yet so tired
Songs unsung, as poems wither unspoken
A mind lost and uninspired
A soul fractured - feeling broken

How long can one live in misery
How wrong can things grow to be
How long can this burden be carried
How long until I am free?

Do I keep my self caged
In a past I can't change?
In fear of the future - All that's left is rage
Have I become deranged?

What IS insanity
What is normalcy?
What is this? Is it vanity?
No - Because I don't love me...

So how do I continue
To pretend that I am okay?
Lies are not a cure for what's true
How can I face the day?

When does surviving
Turn into thriving
When do the shadows and pain
finally fade or wane

Making a way for a new day
without the burdens of the past
or the heavy fear that love won't last
How - When - Why all questions carved on my heart
When does life become art
How do I make a new start
Why was my life torn apart.

My soul feels so cold
Lord, Please make me whole
I feel so alone
Lord, make this world feel like home
I am scared in the dark
since the world tore me apart
Lord, put me back together new
Let me truly see you
Reveal to me your plan
So I may continue to stand
I am begging you from the depths
of a long empty well
At the rock bottom
to which I fell
I lay here broken and torn
Only you can raise me now
call be back from this death
Because I don't know how
To come back from this edge
Lord, I beg you please
to show me your will
So I can follow you
And let my mind be still
Quell the aching in this heart
Please let the healing start
I needed you then
I need you more now
Show me the light on the path
because I don't know how
To change my course
or to find direction
Lord, I beg for your protection

What could I possibly say to you?
What should I say?
What could I possibly do -
To take the pain away?

How could I hope to help you -
When I don't know how to help myself?
What can I do to help you through -
When I put my own life on the shelf?

How can I paint you a picture
that will stay in your mind?
One that will keep you in scripture
when the world grows unkind.

How do I make an impact -
That  will ripple through the years?
How do I keep your heart intact
How do I stop the tears - Your fears?

I want you to know I love you
I will forever more
Near or far - even in heaven above you
no matter what life has in store.

Know I always wanted you close
I want to hold your hand
But I wanted your happiness most
I pray one day you understand

How do I say goodbye
without saying those words
because even if I try
I can't accept what they affirm

Because this isn't goodbye forever
Its see you later
One day we will be together
in the presence of our creator

I will always be your mother
I will always call you mine
I will love you each like no other
I pray you see that in time

This breaks my heart to pieces
But I will stay strong
I pray your faith increases
and you find where you belong.