I haven't spoken to you in quite a while.
I know you know all I want to say.
You can read it on my heart.
But, I'll explain myself anyway.

I've made some terrible mistakes.
My mind's in such a spiral that I don't even know which way is up.
Maybe it's a good thing.
Maybe it's the way we were meant to be.

Even though I'm trapped,
I feel so free.

The bird inside me sings.
It realized it can fly.
Don't ask me how.
Don't ask me why.

You see Father,
There are some things that are better left unsaid.
Secrets between you and I.
Secrets I'll answer for when I'm dead.

You are my Lord.
And I thank you for your son.
Thank you for forgiving me for all the things I've done.

In the middle of nowhere, I call out your name
Hoping that the breeze will cradle my voice like a delicate whisper to your longing ears
I bow my head in shame
Wishing I could reverse the pain I've caused you over the years

My heart screams for you,
It tugs on the string that once connected us both
But there's so much slack..
And I'm afraid you may have already let go

I sit in my cage and wait for you to open the door
I've hidden away so long, that you don't even know who I am anymore.
But I see your face and it conquers all the rest..
I wish I could have realized that, for me, you were my best

But I've changed so much since the day we met
And when you said you loved me, I didn't think it was true
How could you love someone you barely even knew?

Since you've been gone, I locked my heart away
But now I'm gonna expose every inch of it
So I cant stop hiding and so the pain will go away:

I love to write poetry
I find comfort when I'm in the dark
I used to cut myself
And I believe every person is a work of art

I've tried to commit suicide
I never had a lot of true friends
I'm terrified of gorillas
And I'd really love to see the oceans

I have tripled the amount of people you said you had slept with
At least four of them are people you know
When you met me I was ******,
So you can imagine that I didn't take things slow
I hung out with the "wicked witch" of your group
And she introduced me to something that helped me not feel so low
And as I was up for days, hiking and praying to find love
Pupils dilated, lying to the ones I loved
I kept think of you, and why I wasn't your one

I stopped taking my pills,
Which were for Bipolar Disorder, not my thyroid
I didn't tell you the truth because I thought it made me sound crazy
I made out with your best friend..
But at the time I didn't know his ex was pregnant with two babies

I slept with your dealer
I dropped out of college
I'd rather have love than knowledge

Hard to make possible, when I'm addicted to ***
I crave human touch
Especially from the one person whose love I will never get.
I understand if you hate me
I hate me too
But I also love myself for finally telling you the truth

I'm afraid to grow up
Afraid of being alone
I'm afraid you wont show up
And that I'll forever be in this cage that's called Home.
But I've been sober for more than two weeks
I'm rebuilding myself
I have to take the initiative and take care of my health
I miss you like crazy..
And when I see you on Facebook I think back to that day
when you told me you loved and then I walked away..

I know that we'll probably never be together
And I guess that's okay
I just hope that you'll be able to forgive me someday.

I walk on broken hearts
Venturing through ruins in hopes of finding treasure
People say I'm better than this
And It's sad, because there will always be someone better

But who saves those who are supposedly less grand than they?
No one.
They just continue on with their day.
And those who are broken can only find what they've already found
And they get ****** into the cycle. Spinning 'round and 'round.
Because no hero came.
Because no one wanted to get mixed up with their name.
Reputation has become more important than salvation
And life has become nothing more than recreation

We are all significant
We are all unique
None better than another
None too good to help the weak

Reach your hand into the darkness,
And pull someone into the light
Save a soul
Do what is right.

I know you don't understand
I know that you tried
But I cant live in a world where I am expected to work until I die

I don't want to argue
And this isn't a debate
I will start my life, and no time will ever be too late

I don't want to be in history books
I don't want a mansion
I don't care about the newest trends
Or having the best sense of fashion

I want to be loved
And I want to explore
I don't see how that's a crime
I don't see how you cant take anymore

I'm not even old enough to legally enjoy a beer in my own country
But I am supposed to work a job I hate and somehow still feel free?
It's hard to explain the reality that I see through my own eyes
The world is beautiful and full of hello's and goodbye's
What is the rush?
Why must I move so fast?
You say you wont be here forever
But, you know, nothing lasts
So take your time
Take a deep breath and trust in me..
**You don't have to die to be set free.

Such an unceremonious goodbye,
Such longing in my sigh..
Yet, I know it's best if I never see you again.
But I miss your eyes
And your enchanting lies
But, most of all, I think I'll miss being able to call you a friend.

Staring in the mirror
Pleading with myself
"No.."*
I keep clawing at my skin but the burning doesn't go
I shake me head, holding my knees to my chest
Someone come and pleasure me
Trembling, sweat trickles down my hot flesh

When I was younger, I had a bright future planned
Sipping margaritas by the ocean while my skin tanned
The love of my life holding my hand..

But in this moment, nothing is what I expected
My passions and my heart, neglected
I know I have a lot to be grateful for
I have people in my life whom give me their endless support
But I'm not satisfied
And I'm not motivated

Feeling unworthy and unappreciated

So many people
So many stories unknown
Sometimes I can't face them
So I dwell with my demons at home

Hating myself for hindering
Hindering out of fear
Choking down potential
Wishing someone.. anyone.. would dry my tears

I'm failing
Failing at this heartache,
This beautiful, envigorating tradjedy we call life
I don't understand why we make it so hard
Maybe I just haven't found the one to help make it right.

That empty kiss
Your tainted lips..
Why hold me if you didn't care?
I tried to rush
I realize I rush too much
To both of us I was unfair

You once held my hand
And kissed me underwater
I followed where you led
You corrupted a mother's daughter

You once laughed at my joke
And complimented my grin
Just so you could score
And tell about the win

You once took me on a date
Told me to wear something ****
Placed your wicked lips upon mine
You didn't even know my last name
I didn't know yours
But I thought it a good way to pass the time

I see hate in the mirror
I tell myself not to take my own actions personally
Yet, know that I'm responsible for them

I want to wipe it out
A sucker punch to the brain for a moment of peace
Get out of my own ear..

I must find a new way to get release

But your lips have stained mine
And a bitter venom flows through my veins
Empty kisses that didn't bring me love
Empty kisses that have brought me shame

I look out the window and see you running alongside the train
I close my eyes and images of you flood my brain
All the fairytales told me you'd come when I needed you most
Craving to know the curves of your face..
Feels like I'm searching for a ghost

Darling, please put your arm around my waist

I'm at my lowest, a damsel in distress
Rescue me
Make me feel whole without taking off my dress

There was a little girl whom found love to young. On the playground she’d sing a child’s innocent song in a beautiful hum. Boys would hear her song and watch her, entranced. A rebel of a boy came up and asked her to dance. “I heard you singing from the swings. Your eyes are beautiful. Will you take my hand?” Curious and delighted, the girl couldn’t have known what he had planned. He twirled her and kissed her five year old lips. He put his hands around her young and innocent hips. “I have something to show you.” The twelve year old rebel whispered in her ear. “What is it?” out of curiosity not fear.  He took her hand and led her in to the room in the rear of the building. He took off his pants while she looked at the ceiling. So much more happening in between. Those days have passed and that young girl is now a woman. Her heart is confused and her mind in ruins. The love she knew when she was young, the love where he would kiss her underwater and buy her cheese fries, the love that she saw glimmering in his eyes, she never saw in everyone else’s. It confused her. It hurt her. But no one knew of her love. Her pain she suffered alone. Still a child at heart the woman loves to indulge in encounters that temporarily fill the hole of her one and still, only, love. She also gets drunk or high, anything to make her feel numb. She smokes a cigarette and has and epiphany. “I’m going to get my life together, stop sleeping around, and find a love that’s true.” She got up every day. Went to work and school. She leaves her heart open to opportunity and the almighty, God.  She’ll one day become a mother. She’ll have a love that will accept all her sins and kiss all of her scars. He'll hold her close. Ask her to dance. It will be a love she understands. A love she won’t think she deserves. She’ll feel too tainted, but he’ll soothe her with words. Mend the hole. End the hurt.

There's something cooking in my brain, but I'm intrigued by what it may boil
Ripples cover the picture frame, through pouring tears my vision foils
The clock has stopped breathing, where is the beloved Tick and Tock?
The black curtains are freezing, or could it be my cold blooded hands that caused the shock?
I've taken nothing to be in this portrait
Looking at it, all you can see is sin
I am who I am
I've done what I've done
Go ahead, be a *****..
See what you become
Your reflection will taunt you:
"Show me that chest.
Lets see what he might find tomorrow under that dress.
Oh, you look so good!
Love the red lips..
But the best part is when you're naked and they compliment your hips."

The money is on the nightstand
Adventure is all you crave
Just for one day..
Don't be a slave
This addiction is pleasure
But it brings so much pain
I lie and I cheat my family and disappoint my friends
But hey... I'm selfish and occasionally vain
I'm getting ready to go on the town, today will not be a waste
I have something that I want.
And when there is something I want, I go for the chase..

I've peered inside what my heart hides in It's cage now
I know that I've made many mistakes for my age, how?
I'm addicted to the touch, to the ****** and the sweat
Darling,
Moan
Would you still love me through all of my regret?
If I let you hold me close, if to you my heart I gave
Would you trust that you're the one I love?
Could I be the the one you want laid on top of your grave?

If I let you kiss my scars and let you occupy my heart
Would you accept the hurt and despair?
Love my soul, and mend all of my broken parts
Pleasure me when that vicious urge for a ****** lingers in my air

I've done some things for pleasure
I've done things to please
wet eyes
"Please, don't ignore me when I'm down on my knees!"
If you knew what it meant, If you knew how I feel
I'm here for you, I'm giving myself..
That deep stinging pain inside is real
Look me in the eye, hold my cheek
Kiss me hard because your knees are weak
And when I swallow both our satisfactions,
Do not question where I learned my actions

There is a past behind me,
I'ts pawing at my memories strands
Help me forget them
Help me warm my cold hands..
Tell me it doesn't matter,
That you have me now and that I'm enough
You want me forever, for me you are tough

When someone disrespects me, will you be there to set them straight
Defend my honor, even my curious past
Fight my battles with me, vow to me that we have a love that will last
Love me even though I think you never could
Give me a love you think I deserve, and for once dear God, let it be a love that is kind, encouraging, and understood.

I don't understand small talk
I need to know something deep
I crave to know whats in your heart
I crave for you to know what's in me

Who am I exactly?
I think I've lost the string on the ring
Am I a rebel?
Am I a *****?
Where is the man who is waiting at my door?

I am getting on my last nerve
My eyesight needs to be stirred
I can hear their every word
"Who does she think she is?"
"Is she who she says she is?
Am I who I say I am?

I had the experience of everything I wanted
It felt real
It was all I wanted
Just for that moment
Something please be real

My hearts ****** up
I mean, I don't know what the hell is going on
Its singing a foreign song
The world is you
Your world that you so deeply withhold
Its like mining for gold
And the climate is too cold


I feel so free
But so confused
Bight colors everywhere
Flashing beams of lights
The world our stage
I tripped over the curtain
And with my self, the my universe hit the ground

I got up this morning and took a shower
Put on my makeup for almost an hour
All in the hopes that someone would give me a second glance
Possibly meet the love of my life by chance
But no one turned
My stomach churned
No one looked up
My heart is saying to just give up
The man I thought would love me only loves himself
I'm having urges to cut myself

Why am I not good enough?

It must be me
Something within me that people don't see
Both my siblings are happily in love
I try to to patient, to wait for the right guy
But It's killing me, always fighting back the urge to cry..

Some people lie and some people steal
All in the hopes that their imaginations will become real

Float away my mind
Oh, sweet wisps of freedom

At first glance I saw your soul
The tender ***** of your hand
When you kissed me in the moonlight I could barely stand
That kiss that is oh so potent
The sweet caress of your lips
I savor the taste of your love with little sips
I run my fingers through your hair
Your arms around my waste
There's nowhere I'd rather be than in this treasured place
Your smile makes my head spin
My heart is beating fast
Our possibilities are endless and vast
Even in my dreams you're perfect
You never cause me harm
You just smirk they way you do and enchant me with your charm
We are our own force of nature
When I'm in your presence the sun burns even hotter
Our passion could ignite the world if we bothered
So here's to you, you handsome and brilliant man
*There's no one else I'd choose in all the land

What is this feeling inside me?
I feel like I'm going to erupt
My stomachs bubbling and boiling
I think I may throw up
I love you more than words can describe
But something is holding me back
I think it may be you and the feelings you lack

Some People don't understand poetry
They think everything has to rhyme
Sometimes I write poems full of mystery
And people say that they're "just fine"
But how can you rate something so deep
Something for which I am proud
Something that came straight from my heart
Why is it so hard to please the crowd?
I truly don't care what people think
But it would be nice to receive some validation
Instead people tell me to do something more productive
But I love making my own creations
I love every poet out there
I feel as if I know you even though I don't
Maybe one day I'll meet you
Maybe I wont
But I want to say thank you
For sharing your souls and your deepest feelings with me
We are a loving community
We all let our hearts run free

There's a girl with her head pressed against the window
She's fogging up the glass
There's a boy with a heart so big, but no one would know
He rarely goes to class
Everyday they see each other
Everyday they stare
Secretly wanting one another
But talk to each other, they don't dare
He sees within her the hidden sorrow
She sees within him his checkered past
Both live like there is no tomorrow
Both have found their soul-mate at last
But cliques and reputation have kept them apart
When did this trend of having to please everyone else even start?

It's sad that fear can hinder us
And take away our chance at love's affections
It hurts to know most encounters are full of lust
And we're too busy criticizing our own reflections
When will we see that its not all about looks?
When will personality come into play?
When will romance exist like it does in the books?
Why do I see people looking through each other everyday?
Are we not all fellow human beings?
Don't we all cry?
So many people say hurtful things
And my question is why?
How can you live in an endless universe and not want to explore the worlds in those around you?
Cant you see the boundless diversity that surrounds you?
This world is full of life and beauty
There is wisdom and there is nature
We should celebrate by doing things for our community
We are not promised a future
I have seen darkness
But I have also seen the light
For the feeling and the joy of love, I will fight
If you have a dream then follow it
**** what everyone else has to say
Through the hardships wont you submit?
The beauty and the tragedy is that today could be your last day

I know what you are thinking
I know that you don't care
You roll your eyes when I am speaking
Forgetting that I am even there
I saw the two of you leaving
A kiss you did share
I cant believe what I am seeing
I cant believe it, I wont, I don't even dare
My poor neglected heart is full of cobwebs
My soul has been set on fire
I'll hunt her down, I promise you
My vengeance wont let me tire
There's a madness you've placed within me
A wrath that burns with my soul
You've hurt my pride and now you must pay the toll
And once I capture your beloved
I'll bring her to your face
Tie her up to a chair
And then spray her down with mace
I'll torture her in front of you
So you can feel the equivalent of pain that I feel in my heart
Oh, you think that's bad?
I haven't even got to the best part
If she makes a single sound
Better yet, if you make one too
I'll cut out her tongue and I'll feed it to you
You should have know better than to deceive me
Hell, you would have been better off just to leave me
Once I'm through with your *****
I'm coming for you
I'll cut off the circulation to your ***** until it turns blue
But I wont remove it
I'm not that cruel
Your body can let it whither on its own
Let you live with your ghouls
We were once full of passion
Heated from the start
The thought that you would betray me
Rips my mind apart
For there is a side of me that very few know
Once you **** with my feeling, I'll never let it go
So go ahead and leave the house
I've already told you what I will do
If you ever cheat on me again, it will be the end of you.

thunder*
I always thought we'd be together
You and I, we said forever..
In the rain I am standing
Why am I here?
This is bad planning
I see light flicker through a crack in the curtains
The curtains I bought for you when you first moved into to your place
I practiced every word I’m going to say to you
I’ve covered every trace
I'm at your door step
Too afraid to knock
My hearts sinks like a stone in my stomach
Feels like I swallowed a rock
I blink rain and tears from my eyes
I’m happy the storms raging so it muffled my delicate cries
I walked all the way here
Yeah, I still go on walks
My hair is soaked, cooling my fresh and steaming thoughts
Everything is pounding, I’m hoping this ends like a book
Cold and shaking
How dramatic do I look?
The thought of this makes me laugh
Someone walks by the door
I think you heard me
I want to run and hide, I don’t have confidence anymore
But this is my chance, it will all be okay
The front door opens and I have nothing to say

It's your three year old daughter
I hear a woman say *Lilah, close the door honey.
Oh, no.
She's beautiful
She has your eyes
Your lips
Your hair
Your giggle..
But not all of her is just like you
She has hints of her mother in her too
Her mother..
The luckiest woman alive.
Help
I'm frozen
Run, ******* it, run!
But I cant
I hear her high heels coming toward the door
Lilah, who are you looking at?
There's no one there
Her mother cant see me
There's no more rain
It's a hot summer night
But my clothes are still dripping
There's blood on my shirt around where the branch impaled me
Glass is embedded into my hands
Lilah is still looking up at me, smiling
She's beautiful
You join your wife at the door
Your eyes full of happiness
Your lips would no longer shape to mine
Your hair is short and you've been weathered by time
I always loved your beard
You grab your daughter's hand and pull her inside
I on my knees crying now, because she should have been mine
You should be mine
**** being mortal and **** time
The day I died was the day you proposed
You got on one knee, the ring tied to a thorn'd rose
Thorn'd roses are my favorite
They show how something so delicate will go to great lengths to protect itself
Just like my heart..
It was a rainy day
The roads were slick
You leaned over and kissed me while you were driving
We hydroplaned
I didn't put on my seat-belt
Too busy looking at my gorgeous ring from my gorgeous man
We hit a tree
I was launched through the windshield
The branch went straight through me
I didn't feel any pain
The last words I spoke were your name
I loved you.
Oh, God how loved you
I still love you, even in death
I'm at your door step
But you cant see me..

The words come out of him like *****
But they bring such sweet release
Emotional relaxation
Profanity brings him peace

You know this but it hurts you when he uses that abusive tongue
Always putting you down and turning to you into the pun

The feel of feathers on my skin is enough to drag me in,
Into the place where only you and I dwell
I dream of laughing with you
It kills me to know that dream can never come true
Without you the world I'm living in looks like hell
The eutony of your name brings tears to my eyes
I want to run my fingers through your hair
I reminisce on how we used to tease the other
Tickling and taunting one another
Now when I see people kissing all I can do is stare
When you left I went numb
Food was without taste
I felt like projecting any effort would be an utter waste

The kitchen sink is leaking
Water is dripping onto the floor
I'd ask you to fix it, but you're here no more
I remember how you used to kiss the tears as they ran down my cheeks
And the way you kissed me after you hadn't seen me in weeks
I hate that you're gone
But I'm happy I got to live some of my life with you
There's a love that remains and its a love that's true

Oh, Aphrodite, how do you handle such passionate desire?
Goddess of love, beauty, and pleasure, do you ever tire?
You so freely show your body, wearing little attire
Call on your doves and sparrows
Fly me away from life's vicious arrows
A pluck of a rose, a symbol of you
How many lovers have you gone through?
Why do you cast your spells upon me?
Cant you see I yearn to be set free?

I am a romantic
I wonder when I will see you again
I hear angels singing softly
I see a house on an island
I want to be loved by you
I am a romantic

I pretend I don't really care
I feel like I'm about to explode
I worry I'm in this alone
I cry when I think of my life when you're gone
I am a romantic

I understand your random humor
I say to be sweet
I dream of peaceful isolation
I try to picture what that with you would be
I hope one day my dream comes true
I am a romantic

Deep breathing*
Dance
Polish off your *****
Dance
Jello shot
Stumble
Where are my friends?
Dance
Its so hot in here
Three more shots
I'm ******
Drunk
Makeout with a random guy
Ooo, there's wine
Two glasses
Black out
Throwing up in the sink
Friend is on the toilet peeing for the sixth time in the past hour
Makeup check
Compliment me or I'll complain
Dance
Grind on what appears to be a hot guy
Party Boy
Makeout
Wanna ****?
Climb to the roof
There's a couch
He's too drunk to get hard
What are fingers for?
Someone comes up
Your caught in the act
Embarrassed
He wants to take you home
You agree
Why?
You don't want to go home
Cigarette
Meet his friends
Blurred vision
Slurred speech
***
Terrible
Wake up
Headache
Nausea
Shower
Get home
Take better shower
Water
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep
Go to class
Wait until next weekend.

Climb inside my soul and dwell here for awhile
Possess me with your love
And while you're there, mend my heart

I've been avoiding you on purpose
Because I dread you will know what I do
I have too many secrets
But I'm terrified of disappointing you
As you know I am Bipolar
This is hard for me to say
People misinterpret what it means
I fear rejection every day  
And when I'm manic, oh baby, I'm high
I have no limitations
**** the sky
When I'm depressed I weep and I scream
I don't do anything but think about my dream

What if I told you that I love the topic of ***?
That I crave a fellow soul who loves it just as much as me
What if I told you I ****** your ex?
A side of me you never thought you would never see
How would you feel if I told you I've never been in love?
Would you think its a lie?
Or the fact that every time I wake up I think of 1,000 Ways To Die
I write on the daily
But the words struggle to flow
Trying to figure out where every phrase and metaphor can go
Everything I've been doing lately feels like a fight
Have I told you about my scars?
Gosh, I'm such a delight
Do you know about the abuse?
Would you have helped me if you were there?
Or would you lie to me like that ***** who said I'd get in so much trouble
Do you really care?
Are friends really forever?
Are you even there?

I drift alone on this sea of life
Searching the skies for an answer
I search the stars and endless blue
Though I rarely find the answer I'm after
I know what you're thinking
If you're tired of drifting just put down your anchor
But my boat starts sinking
It doesn't work in my favor

What is an anchor?
It's something that lies on the sea's ground
Something that will hold you down
The reason why I almost drown
But I need it.
I need to have the depression
I crave the tears
I've been living with the tragedy of me for all these years
Balance
I crave the kite
The manic episodes of my existence
My ideas are vast
I show persistence
I fly high above people and I feel my spirit soar
I grab on to the strings when I cant take anymore
But the landing is always rough
It's unpredictable and fast
Aha! I found my answer alas!
I hold on to my kite while I drag my anchor
So my boat can float comfortably on the sea
I love my kite and my anchor
They are the two most extreme parts of me

Never had he seen such beauty
Iris green and full of envy
Hair that burned red like a sunset over an autumn mountain
Pale skin and ripe lips

Her name was Lilah
She was delicate
Too delicate
Like the wings of a butterfly

She flew away from me,
My sweet Lilah
I guess she got tired of the darkness,
The cramped space within my belly
I tried to make her comfortable

She'd kick and I'd feel her fluttering around inside me
So much joy in my heart
I didn't mind the pain in my *******
I didn't care that I always had to ***
I didn't mind being nauseous
I loved my Lilah
I'd stop the world for her

With a fever and severe cramping, my Lilah was gone
No longer did she dwell inside my cocoon
My love had been stolen from me
I lived for her
She made me pure
A clean slate for both of us

But she's gone now
She went back to where she came
When he held her, her forgot about his pain
She was beautiful
She was the force field that kept his hands off of me
My savior
My one true love
My sweet Lilah

You kiss me and you pull me close
You pretend you'll never let me go
But I know something you don't know
You can see it in my eyes
But you wouldn't know because you never look into them

When you hold me in your embrace,
I look over your shoulder for a dream to chase
So I can forget that I'm in your arms
And if you could just see my face
When I'm in that dreadful place
You'd understand why I didnt let you in  

We never talk
You never asked me on a date
Yet you bury your face into me shirt
Say you want to make me squirt
You don't even attempt to flirt
You just see my body and assume it owes you something
Thats why, when you try to turn me on, it does nothing
  
So don't pull me closer
And tell me to "Just come on"
Rarely do I do what I'm told
I don't fall for these tricks anymore
I've gotten too old

So get out of my room
Get out of my head
Did you even understand a word I just said?
Go disappear for another two months
Your illusions don't you preserve
And next time don't come back and try to take what you don't deserve.

You put your fingers in the back of your throat
In hopes you can gain what you have already lost
control
But you are lying to yourself
Because you never really had it

I'm writing you this letter
So my life is not a lie
I'm writing you this letter
So that I may say goodbye
Please don't shed any tears
This is what I want
Life is too hard
Its not your fault
I'm in need of a friend
Someone who will help me through
I'm in need of someone who was as good to me as you

I look down at the yellow tiles
I trace the orange petals with my eyes
The bucket is on the floor next to the toilet
I'll be right out turns into on of my biggest lies
I feel a breeze from the window
And close the vent that resides in its center
The snow is glistening in the moonlight
Such a lonely winter..

I pull down the shade
It wraps around itself like an old scroll
There's footsteps, loud and strong, coming from down the hall
Shhh
Deep breaths

The paint on the wall is flaking
Like my sanity, it withers away
There's a voice inside my head that keeps telling me to stay
It wreaks of *****
Hair clogs the drain on the floor
I'm going to do this
Lock the door**

I retrieve the ammonia
And pour it into the bucket of bleach
The room is small and the maximum capacity of one has been reached
Something comes out of the bucket
A cloud of gas
Finally something will carry me home
Freedom alas

The room starts to fill
My lungs start to burn
It's taking so long
Death is all I yearn

What if someone found me
What if I break their heart
Maybe I shouldn't do this
It could tear them apart
So I dump out my concoction
And I walk away
No one ever found out
And I lived another day

Will you follow me into the woods?
Leave your mind behind?
Dance with the falling leaves?
Attach you hand to mine?

And once I've lured you through the slew of trees
And pointed out those honey bees
Then forced you down on your knees
Will you regret the decisions you've made?

I'll tell you you're a filthy girl
Say you make me want to hurl
And then force myself into you
No questions asked

Take away your sweet endeavors
Get my fill of hostile pleasures
All this time you've known me I've been masked

With your innocence I'll take your self control
Controlling someone was my goal
No worries you'll be an addict soon enough
Because a thrill like mine is hard to beat
And the taste of victory is often sweet
Though, you'll always feel a slight defeat

Once he's had that sweet nectar he calls Gin
After he's fulfilled his minimum of daily sin
Adultery and abuse
Tries to choke her with a noose
Then feels bad and gets the blues
He'll cry in the dark

When he gets home early from work
Claims that he's tired
Though in all reality he just got fired
She asked too many questions
And caught the back of his hand
How dare she make him feel like less of a man
He'll drink some of his cherished liquor
And try to lure her in with wine
Says he needs some quality time
There's a hate in her heart that cant be defined

She'll refuse
He gets the blues and
He'll cry in the dark

She takes ice baths to help reduce the swelling
He punched her so may times in the kidney that it could possibly be failing
He comes in to check on her and notices she's not inhaling
Her body is limp and there's blood on the floor
The puddle reaches from the tub to the door
She just couldn't take anymore

He knows that this was caused by him
So he'll get some of his reliable gin
Drinks then let it sink in
And he'll cry in the dark

What happened to those luscious locks?
I don't even know where to begin
Your teeth are decaying from your mouth
Your cheeks are sinking in
Your once smooth skin's now dry and itchy
Lumps and bumps everywhere
Paranoid and hallucinating
Brittle and wispy hair

Why do you do this to yourself?
You're just a snort, a *****, an inhale away
This bitter and odorless powder can take you off this earth today
Was taking it that one time at the party worth all this hell?
Did putting that ice up your nose suit you well?
Can you even remember who I am?
Why are you always trying to fight?
Shhh, calm down.
Everything's alright

You're delusional and moody
But I still love you so
No matter how much you isolate
I'll never let you go

I'll be here when you're loosing weight
And when your behavior seems schizophrenic
I'll be here when your kidneys fail
I'll be here to call the medic
I'll hold your hand through the depression
I'll stay by your side throughout the stroke
I'll be here to watch as you put yourself in the ground
And on my tears I'll choke

And when you have those cravings
For the powder you hold so dear
When you're restless and confused, darling
**I'll be here.

Typical you
Thinking the world owes you something
Everything is supposed to be beautiful
But you sit and do nothing

You string along the guys
Everyone thinks they have chance
But once you've fed you need for attention
You don't even give them a second glance

You lie and you curse
You sabotage yourself
Just so you can say your life is worse
And that its hurting your health

Typical you

You say you're heart is broken
Yet you've never been in love
You think you're so innocent
But sweetheart, you're no dove

You go to church
Yet when leave it's all forgotten
You claim you have nothing
But you're spoiled rotten

You have people whom love you
Yet still lonely you stay
How do I help you
Do we have to runaway?

Why cant you face your demons?
What is the skeleton in your closet that so hard to clean out?
Cant you see that actually living is what life is supposed to be about?
Typical you

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.**

I know I can't change the color of my skin
I know I cant change that I'm human and will always sin
I know I may always have these scars on my body
I know I can't choose my family
I know I can't force love
I know you're watching from the heavens above
I can accept these things
I know I cant change them by any means

I know I can change my attitude about my life
I know this is only temporary strife
Although it sometimes cuts like a knife

I know I can choose my friends
I know I can choose when my journey ends
God grant me the courage to understand
If I reach up, will you take my hand?
Lord give me wisdom
Expand my mind
Show me the hidden treasures that I cannot find
Teach me of your ways
So I may have better days
You are my Lord
I know you'll never tell me no
If I have wisdom about anything
I know you'll always love me so

Dear self,

I'm sorry your spirit is broken
A firefly trapped in a jar yearning to be set free
I'm sorry for your sorrows
They're starting to get to thee
You were meant to shine for everyone
But they are selfish and want you all to themselves

I'm sorry no one understands the dreams you want to achieve
I'm sorry you can't get anyone to believe
Can't they see you drowning?
Drowning in your own tears
Dying in this hell your living is one of your biggest fears
I'm sorry your poetry is full of sadness and venting
I'm sorry your destroying this body you're renting
Deep on the cell of your heart, your memories you keep
Remincing on the easy years tends to make you weep
Why can't you get out of this hole
Apparently your wellbeing its supposed to save
But you may as well be standing in your own grave

Its hard to be sure what you really want
One tiny mistake can illuminate everything you're not
The squeezing of your heart begins to take hold
Somehow you forgot everything you've been told

You look at the past and all you see is the troubles you've endured
You feel the need to escape them, so you have your pedal floored
But the more you repress the tighter the compression on your heart
For nobody truly knows you, and if they did, they would part
You always get thrown away, but you never change your tactics
Because in those moments, when someone thinks you a beautiful find, you feel ******* fantastic

You're a shuttle soaring from star to star
But mostly you live in darkness
Hopefully, someday, you'll be able to stop this..

I swear I've seen you twice
Once was on a train
You sat next to me and asked me my name
You told a man to take his feet off the seat
You were considerate of others and very sweet
You gave me a pin in the shape of an Angel
You said it would keep me safe and that they would follow me wherever I go
You were an old woman
But you're expression was bright
Your ora gave off a luminous light
You were beautiful
You filled my heart with joy
My day had been long
And I had been coy

I saw you again on a mountain
I was night hiking alone
I had to get away
Like the last time you saw me, I'd had a bad day
I went to the mountain praying for death
I cried to the heavens with all the energy I had left
I said to God, set me free, for I have no more faith in me
I was in an open field and across the way I saw something move
It was an animal in the light of the moon
I'm not sure what animal you were
But it looked at me from a distance, that I'm sure

We glared at eachother
I looked you in your glowing eye
And for some reason I no longer wanted to cry
The hole in my heart had somehow been filled
A helper of the Lord had been revealed
I wanted to walk toward you
But I was afraid
I felt death would be a mistake I could have made
I walked the other way
That I regret
You weren't afraid of me
You didn't fret

I believe in you
I know you believe in me
You are beautiful
You brought out the beauty I now see
The world is cruel
Growing up is intense
When you saw me last I was sitting on the fence
Life or death
Hope or dispare
You rescued me
I know you were there.

I watch you through the window's glass,
Running alongside the car

My breath fogs up the image
Like my heart, the place where your face should be has become icy cold
The fog retracts and you're nowhere to be found

Your footsteps, loud and strong in my mind, were a fictional sound

Where are you?
Do we not look at the same moon?
Do you not think the same things I do?
Are our souls not in tune?

I daydream about you all the time
We are cast in a love that is divine

We take bubble baths and drink bottles of wine

All I want is your kisses
All I need is your love
My soul is crying
The tears of a dove

Oh, the aching
Touch me
Let our love be pure
Heaving heart, where is your other half?

Wandering around aimlessly
Searching
Finding false treasures
giving in to guilty pleasures

Where are you now?
Where are you now?