I could never explain what the feeling is like
But I’ve always known
It doesn’t seem like a sickness
I’ve always pondered
Always a thought in the back of my head
An acceptance only I knew and no one else would believe
I’ve always welcomed my final day
As kid I didn’t fear death but wondered would it matter if I died in this instant
Would the world care
Would I actually ever become anything relevant
Temptation wasn’t a thing but rather a challenge
I did things that I felt might end me in the quickest way
It’s only grown since then
It’s not a l threat because I don’t plan things
They just happen
I’m well aware I need help
I just don’t know how to anymore
I feel trapped and have no actual words to say because if I do they don’t seem real
I accept my flaws the issue seems I don’t feel my words carry any weight or any substance for someone to want to listen to me.
It’s always the same response I’ve heard it all
I’m trying really I am
My efforts should be noticed but I don’t feel they seem like enough  because well deep down
I still don’t see my purpose
I don’t think I need help finding it because I’ve never felt I served one.
Since I was a young child I’ve thought this and you wouldn’t believe it if I said it out loud
Maybe reading will help understand what I feel
I’m sorry
This is what I feel on a daily basis and can’t stop these thoughts
I do not mean to offend in anyway
please know that
This is my solace . Words on paper

No pain
No happiness
No calm
No emotion
You’re a human
Things only seem real
With time eventually you’ll die or heal

Whether I’m  happy
Sad
In pain
Pensive
Excited
Even mildly bored
When is it ok to feel anything ?

It’s been years since we spoke
An actual conversation
I don’t know what you might feel or how you might feel
I’ve always made an effort to vent and reach out but with every passing year it seems the shoulders I hoped to lean on just seem to have turned away
Speaking out to someone feels like a burden
I’m plagued by guilt
I wake up with angst and I can’t explain
I have thoughts that maybe one day you’ll just find my remains
Seems like I scream loud but my lungs aren’t filled
I miss my friends
But I can’t say I feel Ive always had them .
Remember next time you catch me smiling
Is it genuine or am I just blending in like the past few years
You really wouldn’t know
And I would probably never say

Everyday every second
Amazing
Nothing to compare
Hurt you?
The gods wouldn’t dare
In time of war ,love, or simply for a hug
I’m there
Protector
Teacher
Hero
Villain
I will be
I am
Forever
Your father

Under my breath
Behind the grin
Distracted by a laugh
A tear on my cheek
The irony of asking your final words
No one ever knows the right thing to say.
Hopefully you remember that while marking a grave.

Break me
Build yourself
Push me
Don’t pull away
Talk to me
Things aren’t the same