X.

We should pick up some
flowers

Why

Because that is how they
did it in the old days
fresh flowers on the table

Roses

Yes roses

Then I will pick some up on my way home

XI.

The roses died again

I did not say I would be very good at keeping up appearances

Oh

There are years of
rusted crimson coating the rails
corroding the way we once traversed
and the secret walkway stones
only we could ever navigate
when the beaten path was
too crowded
have been smoothed bare
We anxiously stand apart
in this seemingly
final void of a thousand
chasms overgrown with
agonizing truths
Every bit of strength
devoted to fighting against
tumbling off the edges
As pain weighs on us with inevitability
falsely alleviated by tiny
brief
moments we disguise as stability
we scrape by
with scarce resources draining
We are
exhausted
and
hurt
and
unsure
Yet in this treacherous space
between us
that we fear falling
into
there is
An untamed look our
eyes
A tremble our
embrace
And a longing in our
hearts
that we cannot ignore
and I know
that our love can outweigh
all hurts

I locked my heart fathoms beneath the waves
assuming that it would be lost to time and pressure
Bewildered, I could not fathom how you carried it to shore
but was elated
at the thought that someone found worth
in what I had mournfully discarded
For some time since then we sailed on a ramshackle ship
my heart was still shackled and guarded
but on occasion I agreed to let it out
as it bled abundantly, thinking this sacrifice
could keep our sails on course
Of course this was only a cathartic ritual.
I often wonder how long the leviathan followed you
How long you keep it under your control as it stalked below?
When did it start to rebel?
When did you realize you were not its master?
When did it realize?
The attacks came slowly, as if it was testing our reaction
Gradually ramping up in intensity and intimidation
The first time it threw me overboard
I swore I'd never set sail again
and now I struggle to count how many times
I've plunged into the depths
We washed ashore
We rebuilt
but it became painfully apparent this beast would not relent.
At times I was not convinced this prowling menace is after you at all,
other times I think its end goal is to devour us both
The only conclusion I could be sure of
is that I could no longer risk the open seas.
In an act of desperation I've stolen back my heart and fled to the desert.
I contemplated not telling you
but just as this tentacled monstrosity does not seem able to leave you, so it is with me
Should you find your way to this desolate and desperate refuge I've chosen,  I will welcome you with open arms
and pray that the creature could not follow where the waters do not flow.

You said you would love me

until the end of the world

but I'm glad you stuck around after

Light plays throughout the room
where the blinds were pulled off the rails
Slams and screams in the units
surrounding
grant a brief illusion
that I am not sealed up
Down to half a twelve ounce aluminum can
I can exchange for change tomorrow
to do it all again
For now though
Not enough to black out
Silently watching the light play
until the sun recedes
will have to do

In a haunted dead fall
anchored by the more inspired
of my heartstrings
and the more hidden
of my hidden things
you reside

What is this life
of overwhelming
cognitive dissonance
denial
and outright hypocrisy
that comes with living
as a human being?
How is it that we
get so caught up
on agenda and ideology
when the very concept
of consciousness
and reality
is something we are
unable to fully articulate?
I have set myself apart
with thoughts forming murky
impressionist fluctuations
of ever spiraling brain chemistry
to where sometimes
existence
feels all at once
like an absurd joke
and a sacred and mysterious gift.
So many people seem so certain
as if they are pointed in the exact direction
they should be
Waving flags
and preaching their truths
and killing in the name
of a thousand other fictions.
In comparison to them
I am so lost
and defeated by the vastness of it all
And right now
the only thing
I know
I'm sure about
is you.

I was overthrown
by your hand
pressed against
the membrane
and absorbed
in capillary shades
of betrayal
Generations
smothered in cradles
prematurely suffocated
for anthems
that existed
in languages
you never felt compelled
to understand
And now
that you cry for
the fragile balance
of the cycle
The people in the stars
still loom
The people in the stars
still live
And soon you will remember
how it feels to tremble
and answer for your crimes

A surprise gasp pulls forth the deceptive
chill of the nighttime desert air
Caught off guard even after five years
yet still in love with its unexpected curiosities
set against the immaculate
gleam of its unbroken night sky
It is momentarily forgotten
that all we've built beneath these heavens
is fleeting and miniscule in comparison
and that it is only a matter of time before
these aging and neglected structures
collapse into the desert's mysteries
but in this moment
we can be every bit
as infinite and grand

Our love is our reality
If reality carries on
after we are gone
Does our love die?
Does it wither in a void
along with our other memories?
I hope not.
I hope it haunts the hills
outside of town where we used to
sneak off
I hope it lingers in the breath
of those who dare tread
on our graves
I hope it floats through space
wrapping around the stars
to become abstract dreams
in the heads of hopeless romantics
I hope it inspires them to tell a tale
they hardly understand
but feel intensely
as we did
when we were real

I drove off
swearing I would not
look back
but I'm already longing
So my eyes dart to the rearview mirror
and of course there's this
gaudy kaleidoscope
where smears of makeup have run
into clotted streaks of gore -
I tried to save face
with an awkward line
that sounds at home
in the life we thought
we were creating
and not the one we had:
"I do my own makeup...
and my own stunts!"
Amused at how clever
I think I am
my sides split to match my lips
Enough joking
there's too much road ahead
Drum roll and into
the down beat please -
You think that's funny?
Just wait 'til I stand up  
I begged to not have to
go through some kind
of initiation beat down
This is not
how one does affection
or atonement -
Feeling pressed?
Just wait 'til I come up
I've got a bone to pick
with these rings of factory
sealed solutions
bursting open only to
bring more pain than joy:
False advertising to be honest
but I get it -
I'm hardly linear anymore
Oh hell I'm probably more of a fractal!
- Which has it's own set of awful clichés -
but as expected
I can't stand down
so of course I'm rebelling and fleeing  
to escape the terror
I knew withdrawal from you would be
unbearable so
I oddly coped by engaging in the very
thing I ran from
Stumbling into fitful sleep in an
oh so strange refuge
and as expected
I can't come down -

We could not comprehend the horror lurking in our future
Deceptions behind the mask as emotions shift into phantom pains
Left unattended and feeling for hints of barbed spines
raised under our flesh
Flaying the remains of innocence and revealing a labyrinth of unending agony - a rolling thunder that snares in violent spins
as we beg for it to stop
It roars
It hurts
but most of all
It knows
These roulette curses dance across shocked faces
finally left forsaken for not living up to unattainable expectations
Left longing for genuine affection
while the cravings are predictably portrayed as ravenous
You should know by now
the longer
you wait
the more
flesh this
lunging bite
pulls away

He is a published poet
And I'm eagerly hoping
I'm about to unlock the secret
To turning my expressions
of torment
Into something that will be held
In equally high esteem

Finally he says
"The one thing I can tell you
Is that no one
wants to read about
your emotions anymore"

"Okay" I flatly reply.