I rattle
The pills, in the bottle.
Percussion simplified.
Make music on the rim of my glass.
Pour them out hold them in my hand.
Examine them as Pearl's,
Shucked directly from an oyster.
Things of immense beauty.
I am a collector.

I set myself a glass
Full to the brim.
Watch how the liquid swirls
Thicker than water
Darker than water
Not water.
I imagine the burn,
Sterilize my throat
Cleanse my wickedness
Burnt at the stake
From the inside out.

I imagine the way it feels,
To become the mussel,
Ingest the pearl,
Cleanse
Repeat
To count them 1 to 100
Transforming each time.
Into memory.
The fire within
Turn me to ashes.
Vapors.

I close them tightly
The oyster and the bottle
Set them back on the shelf
Admire them for another day.
No Pearl's
No fire
Only hope.
To be done.

Beauty is meant to be shared,
compared
open starry eyes,
bleed love,
feel things.
wonders of the universe.
joys of coffee,
all the things I love.

I would die tonight if it wouldn't break your heart
I would swallow down all the hate and shame,
Pill by pill,
Sip by sip,
Until nothing remained, but the bottom of the glass ,
And the empty pill container.

I would lay myself across the floor,
In the path of the moon beams,
Waiting for the Great Mothers eye to find me.
Scoop me up,
And carry me into the wind.

And in the morning.
When the sun rose, and the light hit my corpse,
I would shine, for the very first time.
But I cant
Because your heart would break.
I wont carry that with me tonight.

Tiny petals.
Beautiful blooms.
Sing to me of your journey through the earth.
How your roots fought the soil,
Allowing you to raise yourself higher.
Reaching for the sky,
Face full of hope and beauty.
Promises.
Reminding me, I am able.

Tiny bumble,
Buzzing busily.
Duty bound.
I envy your work.
To replenish the beauty in this world is a heavy task.
You make it seem so delightful.

There's blood on my hands.
Dripping like tears from the tips of my fingers,
Crying out to the ground for redemption.
Great Mother listen to its call.
Fill the world with cries so deafening that they can only be carried on the wind.
Let it seep into the ground I walk,
To mark each step as the next to my last.
Keep a record of my sins.
For I am no more than the dust blown away by the crying wind.
Scattered and spread thin.
Cursed by the blood I spilled.

A smile breaks across her face
And I am found.
Between her lips, in the crease of her smile.
I hide.
Tucked safely away from the world, lost in only her.

She is my tiny twin.
My shadow.
The physical embodiment of a portion of my heart I was afraid to access,
Afraid to explore.
Now, trailing me daily to remind me,
I have to be more.
For her.

She laughs at the sun as it peaks through the windows,
Dancing across the floor.
Making shadow puppets and dancing with her silhouette
She finds joy and beauty everywhere.
Her soul is unblemished and happy.

She is my muse.
The reason I wake and face a day I know will bring more trouble than I feel i can handle.
The reason my pen scratches briskly across the page,
Pouring out the memories and desires I am afraid to voice anywhere else.

When I die, lay me nearest to the sun as it peaks over a hill.
So she may come visit me and dance with her silhouette,
I will be dancing with her, across the floor.

I slice open my chest and reveal the beating mass,
What used to be a heart, left bloodied and bruised,
Now, looks more like a dying thing.
Not a vessel of hope, unable to sustain life.
Weak and laying on the edge of cessation,
I watch.

Is this the moment it stops, and I am lost behind the veil?
Is this my final act of desperation,
To watch, to wait, to become, this death?

Tonight I'm very hollow.
Like someone has drilled the core right out of my bones.
Allowing my soul to seep out of my pores and evaporate into thin air.

It's hard to keep my head up having hollow bones.
The weight of my thoughts drives my sights to the floor.
My head follows, unable to find support anywhere in my frame.

The wind whistles through me.
It's cold without my soul to fill my bones,
To create a fire inside me.
only scorched ground and ashes betray the truth,
The fire is gone.

She leads me,
Winding down all her back roads,
Taking shortcuts through her memory.
She is well versed in the way,
I'm just a straggler,
Trying to keep up.

She moves, in and out, up and around.
All the magnificent and intricate parts of her of mind.
Its enchanting.
To be lost in her wonderland.

But she moves too quickly,
And I'm lost.
Alone in the road, searching.
She is gone.
Left me here enchanted and amazed,
Finding much more pleasure than im able to give her.

She is the Cheshire cat.
Toying with me.
Enjoying my confusion as she peers on from a distance.
To say I dont enjoy myself would be a lie,
But I cannot see the road ahead.

I'm afraid I'm losing her.
My appeal is gone.
No longer the object of affection,
No longer a shiny new thing.
I hold no attraction.

My soul is saddened.
I wish it was easier
To break through to her core.
To get her to open herself up.

Waking up is chore.
Lifting my body from the bed,
Brushing my teeth,
Bathing.
They are exhausting, and I am done with the day before its begun.

I dont see joy in the sunshine, or hope on the sky.
I see hours to be filled, reality that I am alone.
The director of fun on a cruise i never wanted to attend.
The days all blur together and i am left questioning,
Why do I even bother?

There is more that I'm missing
So much I have chosen to cut out.
This life was one I never wanted but felt obligated to achieve.
In order to recieve the approval of the one person who despises me.

The lower I sink, the greater her self worth becomes.
It is apparent.
We are linked in this tug of war.
This life.
Drawing from the other.
Indulging our sick obsession, to become more than the other.

In my quest for validation,
I've made myself a prisoner.
Allowed myself to believe this was the way,
This was acceptable, deserved.
That i am no more than an after thought to those who I love above all else.

This feeling, is heavy and weighs me down.
I succumb to the smothering conclusion,
This will be who I am,
My story is written.
I have neither the understanding nor the energy to achieve,
Anything other than brushing my teeth.

The sunshine falls across the floor.
I reach my toes for the warmth.
Believe myself a cat, stretching.
Grateful for the sun in my face.

Glow.
In the midnight air, she dances radiantly.
Full and pregnant with possibility, 
My silver goddess sings to me.
Songs of love and hopefulness.
Melodious sonnets, sung to only me.
Veiled by shades of pinks and orange,
Even her glow betrays her affection for me.
I am hypnotized,
Enchanted and amazed by this bare breasted beauty.
She toys with me, knowing my feelings for her.
I allow this from her.
For tomorrow she will be gone,
Hidden too far away, so my eyes will not find her.
And so we dance, we two.
For tonight is all we have.

They call to me,
The waves,
As they beat on the shoreline.
Heavy and relentless,
Much like the beating of my heart.
Pounding.

Are they angry?
Have they felt desperation for the shore as they crossed an endless sea?
Do they long for the open waters as they climb back into the ocean?
Are these waves as uncertain of their place as I?

I understand the longing to feel the sand and chase the shore.
To struggle against all that presses and weighs down the soul.
I know the desire to break free,
If even for a moment,
And slam into the shore.
Heaving the immense weight of the world over my shoulders,
And dragging it beaten into the light.