I permit them to spout out of my skin
- growing longer and sharper.
Claws.
They hack at my skin
Like peeling back the layers of an onion;
One by one.
I used to wince - but now there's pleasure in this pain.
When I'm bored: Soft, circular gnawing.
When I'm nervous: Digging deep into my wounds.
When I'm over thinking: Turning the skin on my fingers, **red.

Let's play Hide-And-Seek.
I'll go hide,
and you have to find me.
Count to 100
and I'll off-
are you ready
here we go
1-10 keep counting
While I hide
20-28
it's up to you to figure it all out-
you sneaky cheat!
skipping right to 90
well fine then.
You think you can find me so easy?
you think you know where
and how
I hide?
You don't, trust me you don't.
Keep wandering, that's the way,
yes I was hiding there a minute ago
but not anymore.
Now I'm on the ***** of my feet,
stalking you,
like prey,
is that what you are to me?
I can't even tell anymore.
I wanted you.
I wanted you to find me.
If you find me you get my heart,
but that's the trick, see,
I'm not sure I want to be found.
So I'll change my spot
and keep running,
keep circling you and tracing your steps
I'll keep going until it's you that is hiding
and me that is seeking.
I'll ask you,
I'll ask the world,
count to 100
and come find me,
but each time
you get so close
a hairs breath away from finding me
Off I run
away
away
where you'll never find me.
Because that's the trick, see,
I don't want to be found.

last night, I had a fever
and for a few hours of wonderful
hallucination I forgot about how
you left and all I could remember
was your accent and your
whiskey-and-cigarettes voice
and how you’d sound ****
reading the phone book.
I remembered your dark hair
in my face at night and
the smell of your perfume,
I remembered your gentle touch
and the way you smiled at me.
I remembered conversations about
a future we wouldn’t share and
breakfast and all of that mind-numbing
life-changing beauty of yours
and I woke up in tears because somehow
at some point I also remembered
that I’d spend all of my days without you.
(we did the right thing, I know we did, but
I will love you, I will love you.)

sometimes, I
forget
to miss you.
(but whenever
I'm so drunk
I can't remember
my own name,
yours somehow
comes
to mind)

(I wrote you
the same **** love letter over
and over
and over again
and I will keep
writing it)
(until one of us understands)

you used to hum the songs in my head
and only those songs remember us now.