"You're so smart, you get to go to college as a teenager!"
I'm terrified of disappointing my mom so I force myself to overwork in school and force myself to take college courses because my sister did too.

"How are you never affected by them? They make fun of you all the time!"
I never show how much it bothers me at class, but once I'm alone I cry it all out so I don't let them get the satisfaction of causing me to want to die.

"Calm down it was just a joke!"
And that joke hurt me. You don't get to decide how much a 'joke' hurts me. It scared me, and you will never stop making fun of me for it. I don't care if it was just a joke to you, because it's so much more to me.

"You're, like, the happiest person ever, you can't feel sad!"
Of course not, if I cry my mom gets annoyed, people pity me, classmates laugh at me. If I'm sad people will never let me forget it, and I'll never be able to be happy again.

"I understand you!"
No, you don't. Because I never let myself talk to anyone about it. I'm too much of a coward to vent to people because I always feel like they judge me, or are annoyed, or don't care. The worst-case scenario they tell others, and those others laugh at me because I go through these things.

"You can talk to me!"
Would you really listen? Because sometimes I feel like no one can hear me.

My heart is a dog
Loyal to whoever it loves
Loyal to you
----------------------------------
My heart is a butterfly
Fluttering around when someone is around
When you are around
----------------------------------------------------------­-
My heart is a mixing ***
Contains so many different emotions
So many emotions about you
---------------------------------------------------------
My brain can't decide for my heart
Yet this time I want it to
I want to know if I like you

A picture is worth 1000 words,
But you are worth much more to me

You are worth 1000 stars
Spread across the universe

You are worth 1000 diamonds
Because you are the rarest of them all

You are worth 1000 pictures
Worth 1,000,000 words

You are worth 1000 more
Than you may think you are

800 miles and more texts than I can count
1 day online and the memories it would amount
A sleepless night spent together
Even though our distance caused different weather

I love you, so much, more than you'll ever know
If my parents weren't so upset about the internet, I would see you now
Even with our troubles, tears and the dumb crap we may say
I won't ever leave your side, even 800 miles away.

I lie awake in the darkness
And I run to turn on the light
The darkness won't swallow me tonight
The demons watch me from the hallway
Trying to close in
Trying to take over me
I try to run
But in this world called Earth
No one is safe
Inside me are monsters
Waiting for my breaking point
So they can control me
Causing my friends to run and my family to hide
Untill I am lonely and sad again
And I hurt myself again
And again
And again
Untill one last breath
And the pain is gone

A crash of thunder, a breath...

I hear it getting closer
It seems to get heavier
I am scared, but less than before
My shoulders and body relax.

I relax.

But as soon as I got comfortable with the ghost in my room,
It left, and all was silent
Then it came back once more, louder and heavier

Yet somehow I was not prepared.

Laying awake my body floats
It’s spinning and twirling out of control
It quickly speeds up and then it slows
As a figure appears in my room
“Come with me, my friend
Adventure is what you need”
I take the girl’ s hand and she pulls me from my trance
Everything becomes bright
My walls turn into a meadow, and my floor into luscious grass
My ceiling melts into a sky with fluffy clouds and a yellow sun
The stranger and I run through the flowers and fight beasts of different kinds
Tall, short, black and red
But every journey has its end, and ours is coming to a close
I must return home before my mother finds me gone
I am brought back to my room and left alone
And I dream a wonderful dream, yet without the friend I met that night
I don’t know how, what happened, or why the light stayed
But the girl saved me from the evil inside my brain

I run
You chase me
A classic game of tag

You tag me
We laugh
Well, you do at least

I keep running
You call after me
"Hey! You're it!"

I find a quiet forest
But you find me again
And get mad at me

"I'm sorry!" I say
But I don't
Really mean it

I was running from you
And your
Laughing face

But you thought it was all a game
But it wasn't a game to me
It was like a cat chasing a mouse

I was the mouse
Running for my life
And you were the cat

I don't get it
I don't want to play with you
This little 6 year old is too scared

This little girl has insecurities
So don't laugh at her
Life isn't a game of tag

But, please, keep laughing
Because to you life is a game of tag
And you should keep smiling before its too late

Thanks for the memories
Of laughter and play
Thank you for not harming
The ones I love

Thanks for the sunshine
And the warmth of the sun
Where I found the small moments
Of happiness

But once you see a little girl
Just like me
Don't hurt her
Like you killed me

Give this little girl joy
And sunshine for life
For this little girl
Shouldn't go through what happened to me

But thanks for the joy
And my family
But don't let her go through
What happened to me

I won't cry anymore
I promise you that
But if you could be nicer to me
I'd appreciate that

Thanks for reading
But seriously
I want to be happy
Don't be the death of me...

Don't be so cruel to me

I wake
The sun shines through my window
I look out
The grass swiftly blows in the gentle breeze
Trees use there arms and wave to me
I don't want to go outside though
Instead I stay in and hide from the evil of the world
I tell my friends I am not allowed to hang out today
When in reality I don't want to make them hate me
I tell the trees, the grass, and the sun goodbye for the last time
And I don't come out again

I sleep
The moon is the only light left
I look up
The stars fade away
The moon is growing dimmer and dimmer
The dark grass is still
The blackened trees no longer beckon to me
I want to go outside tonight
I walk out and feel the darkness swirl around me
I tell my friends goodbye for the last time
Looking at the moon, I follow
Following it to the edge of the forest I stop for a breath
Then I find any courage that hasn't abandoned me
And I walk in
Never to be found again

I am sleeping
In an endless sleep
But I'm not afraid
I walk out into a bright light
I think this is heaven
But it a hospital
Am I sick?
What happened?
I close my eyes
And I realize what happened
For my heart it a butterfly
So it must've flown away
But I am not ok.


I have lost the man I love
And he will never know it.

We are stripped of our flesh
Self-crucifixion demanded
By such a merciful god

Under the loving moonlight
I will weep, and the nebulas shall
Gaze upon my dreadful soul

Not to be forgiven, not to be loved
To devote myself to the planets,
From the cradle I am not my own

Crimson life seeps into the Earth
We can no longer see the stars
Shattered are their promises

The time of getting new supplies
And buying new clothes

The time students take time
To memorize their routes

The time teachers dread,
And students too

And the time I feel most insecure,
Cause I'm around you.

I want to smile
But I'm not happy
But I'm not like the others
I haven't found my fake smile
Because I'm not fake like the other girls
----------------------------------------------------------
­Why do I not wear makeup but the other girls do?
It's because I don't think I need it
Nor do I want it
I'm not secretly insecure like the other girls
-----------------------------------------------------------­---
While they gossip about me in corners
I don't like to talk bad about them
If I do they will hear
And they will start rumors about me
Untill I suddenly dissappear
------------------------------------------------------­-----
I don't get other girls
Why they curl their hair around their fingers
Why they always seem to get dates
Why I'm the one sitting alone
Being talked about
Called ugly, a nerd, lonely
----------------------------------------------------------­
I start to act like the other girls
And wear makeup and pretty clothes
Curl my hair around my finger and get dates
But I hate it
But I don't care that I hate it
I don't care I'm not happy
I never was happy
But at least now I'm accepted
--------------------------------------------------------­----
Why am I only accepted now?

I look around at the vast blue sky

Little white clouds sprinkled all over

A big yellow sun bright enough to blind you.

I look down at the blades of grass

Millions spread for miles.

I think about the big cities, and all the people on Earth.

And I think about how big the universe is.

And I think about all the big people who changed this big big world.

And I'm reminded how little I am.

If our body could talk, what would it say?

Would our legs complain
About walking all day?

Would our eyes scream
At some things we have seen?

Would our arms talk
All day, non-stop?

Would our ears cry
At the things we hear and try?

Would our stomachs yearn
For food, maybe just a little more?

Is your mind silent
Either calm or numb?

Or is it screaming
Just waiting to be told
That it's okay?

The walls keep me confined
This space I can't see
It keeps me

Every ounce of breath I have
Taken out of me
While my own thoughts consume me

My brain won't stop thinking
Anxiety and fears grip me
And I feel at a loss for control

I can lay alone in my own bed
But the darkness lays with me instead
And it doesn't let me sleep

I sleep, finally free
I awake, happy as can be
I feel fine, at peace with my mind

Then the darkness of the night comes again
And I can't see, can't breathe

I adjust the temperature
Hot to cold,
Cold to hot,
But nothing seems to work.

I change my clothes
Casual to fancy,
Fancy to baggy,
But nothing seems to work.

I do my makeup
Natural or glamorous?
Glamorous or settle?
But nothing seems to work

I do these many things,
All around my home
But nothing seems to change
My lack of self love.

If I talk no one will listen
If I speak no one will hear

If I look around and see you
You always disappear

I can chase and chase and chase you
But never in my life

Would I think that you'd ever
Be chasing me tonight

How to describe what happens in my head?

Well, I guess I'll just start with this.

It's almost like a colorful storm that changes every day. The rain falling down is never the same. At night the rain turns acidic and tears me down. But in the morning, when I wonder what that was all about, the rain helps it all grow back.
It's weird, I'll admit, and I'm not sure anyone else feels this. But that the best way I can put my feelings into words
Without feeling it again

We haven't spoken in a few days
Why? I'm not sure

You were texting on my birthday
And the next you disappeared.

You're inactive online and my texts seem ignored.
Are you grounded, tired of me, or something much worse?

All I can say right now is I miss you more than anything
And I love you a lot

I need to know if you're okay
And not leaving me in the dark

I go to a silent corner
In my closet space
To hide from the horror
That has taken place

My mom is yelling
So is my dad
But I don't know why
I was just a little kid

My daddy goes away
To his mothers house
And my mom tries to explain to me
Why daddy left us now

She says they just didn't click
It had nothing to do with me
But what my mother doesn't know
Is that she is raising a sad kid

I blame myself
For dad leaving mom
And even my sisters
Two who understood what had taken place

And in that corner
Near my art and clay
I cry in memory
Of that horrid day

Drip drop
A little rain

Drip drop
The pain still stays

Drip drop
I won't take it anymore

Drip drop
A rush of blood

Drip drop
I am no more

Our hearts are cold voids
Yearning to be filled
Yearning for some life form
To help us out

Our souls are blacker than midnight
Waiting to be helped
Needed some distraction
To help us become filled

Our minds are raging storms
No ending to be seen
Constantly breaking us down
Piece, by piece

Our bodies are a temple
That's what they say
But we still cut
Almost everyday

These are the things
No one seems to understand
They think we can be fixed
But the truth is, we probably never can

I'm a stowaway
On this empty ship

Broken glass all over the floor
Broken emotions that were inside

I'm tired of going to school
Of facing the people there

Why can't I just stay in bed?
It's safer in there...

Don't want to talk, don't want to smile
It's all fake, I know it

Trying to cover the words
My mouth just wants to speak

Trying to cover the sound
Of them gossiping about me

Trying to cover the sight
Of the glass on the floor

I hear the voice telling me to
Go, go, go

So I jump of the ship
Into a sea of hope

I fear I will drown
Or eaten by a shark

But what is life
Without fear and hope?

I swallow air, as I'm pulled back under
The waves force me deeper, and deeper
    I look at the beach and the fun      
Secretly wishing I could be there to

I swim above once more
As I always do
No one seemed to notice me
Well, until you

You swam out to me
As I went under
You grabbed my hand
And held me closer

You left, but more came
And soon I reached the shore
And finally, maybe
I can enjoy life some more

I know you may leave,
And more may come
But I still love you guys
No matter what.

Slippery roads twist and bend
Around the forests and the creeks
Blue, red, green
Dark, fluffy hair falls messily
Brown and black flannels frame

Bony hands and chipped nails hold onto swings
Grass-stained jeans rock back and forth
Messy, brave, boisterous
And a jump onto the mulch
Cuts and bruises covered in band-aids

Chunky, oversized jackets
Smooth and deep voices
Masc, masc, masc
Black masks only revealing brown eyes
Playing sports in a thunderstorm

Wrong childhood
Wrong body
Wrong voice
Resulting in this overwhelming Gender Envy

I want to glue my eyes shut
So I can't see anymore evil
I want to glue my ears shut
So I can't hear insults thrown at me
I want to glue my mouth shut
So I can trap the words about to escape my mouth
I want to put glue around my heart
So I can stop these emotions

Over the years I have grown my own armor
They have struck me, and embarrassed me
Now no one can see me

I'm scared to say "You're welcome" when someone thanks me
I don't know if they were sarcastic, and trying to get a laugh out of my stupidity

I'm scared to open up, in case someone is quick to judge me
Like they were quick to decide they only wanted to make fun of me

I'm scared to talk, in case my voice fails
And I fall into the black void again, just because I'm embarrased

I'm scared of all these things, but the thing that terrifies me most,
No matter how good my armor is,
I'm never going to be confident enough.

Over the years I have grown my own armor
They have struck me, and embarrassed me
Now no one can see me

I'm scared to say "You're welcome" when someone thanks me
I don't know if they were sarcastic, and trying to get a laugh out of my stupidity

I'm scared to open up, in case someone is quick to judge me
Like they were quick to decide they only wanted to make fun of me

I'm scared to talk, in case my voice fails
And I fall into the black void again, just because I'm embarrased

I'm scared of all these things, but the thing that terrifies me most,
No matter how good my armor is,
I'm never going to be confident enough.

When I look into her eyes
I don't see her pretty smile
I see tears
Just waiting to fall

She stands there, stiff and unmoving
Looking through me
And no matter what I do
She doesn't respond

So as I sit there
And watch those tears fall
I sit and wonder
What I did wrong?