We are stripped of our flesh
Self-crucifixion demanded
By such a merciful god

Under the loving moonlight
I will weep, and the nebulas shall
Gaze upon my dreadful soul

Not to be forgiven, not to be loved
To devote myself to the planets,
From the cradle I am not my own

Crimson life seeps into the Earth
We can no longer see the stars
Shattered are their promises

Slippery roads twist and bend
Around the forests and the creeks
Blue, red, green
Dark, fluffy hair falls messily
Brown and black flannels frame

Bony hands and chipped nails hold onto swings
Grass-stained jeans rock back and forth
Messy, brave, boisterous
And a jump onto the mulch
Cuts and bruises covered in band-aids

Chunky, oversized jackets
Smooth and deep voices
Masc, masc, masc
Black masks only revealing brown eyes
Playing sports in a thunderstorm

Wrong childhood
Wrong body
Wrong voice
Resulting in this overwhelming Gender Envy

A soft blow of the wind
It whistles, calling to me
I look down upon the flowers I carry
Without hesitation, I let them go

Watching each petal reach the ground
Each stem laying in the grass
I look up
The clouds call me again

And I follow as if I had known all along

Blinded by the smoke
I let you slip
From my hands
Like a bar of soap
So delicate
Like a feather
Made of glass

Found myself wondering
Why I let myself
Be taken over
By my want
To save you

Found myself wondering
Why I'm letting myself
Be taken over
By selfishness
Because I only want you

Found myself wondering
Why I'm thinking these things
Without even
Wondering
Who I am

I held the fragile object in my hands
It’s veins clear in the sun
And I let go
And I watched it fall

It fell deeper
I felt afraid
I wanted to reach out and grab it
But I didn’t want it to burn me

I felt the leaf slip from me
The warmth I felt from it
As it fell, as did my joy
Because I don’t think I’ll get it back

Even if I know she loves me too

Over the years I have grown my own armor
They have struck me, and embarrassed me
Now no one can see me

I'm scared to say "You're welcome" when someone thanks me
I don't know if they were sarcastic, and trying to get a laugh out of my stupidity

I'm scared to open up, in case someone is quick to judge me
Like they were quick to decide they only wanted to make fun of me

I'm scared to talk, in case my voice fails
And I fall into the black void again, just because I'm embarrased

I'm scared of all these things, but the thing that terrifies me most,
No matter how good my armor is,
I'm never going to be confident enough.

Too bright
They flash
Like morse code
From a lighthouse
I want to escape
I need to escape
Before I dissolve

But you hold me back

Laying awake my body floats
It’s spinning and twirling out of control
It quickly speeds up and then it slows
As a figure appears in my room
“Come with me, my friend
Adventure is what you need”
I take the girl’ s hand and she pulls me from my trance
Everything becomes bright
My walls turn into a meadow, and my floor into luscious grass
My ceiling melts into a sky with fluffy clouds and a yellow sun
The stranger and I run through the flowers and fight beasts of different kinds
Tall, short, black and red
But every journey has its end, and ours is coming to a close
I must return home before my mother finds me gone
I am brought back to my room and left alone
And I dream a wonderful dream, yet without the friend I met that night
I don’t know how, what happened, or why the light stayed
But the girl saved me from the evil inside my brain

As if into paper
The ink seems to seep in
Into my skin
Deeper and deeper

The ink forms the words
I shall never forget
Even if I tried
To wipe the ink away

It seeps deeper day after day

At first, it's fine
I shrug it off
I laugh along
At their joke

Soon it burns
Burns my skin
Burns my being
Burns within

The only emotions
That come forth
Are sadness
And anger

I try to communicate
But they laugh it off
Pick up the ink
And write, and write, again

I think but cannot speak
I feel but cannot express
I try to write down my whole being
But it always comes out in a twist

I fail to write
I fail to speak
I fail to try my best
To talk to anybody

My words are jumbled, as well as my brain
The poems and pictures come out just the same
I don't know how to help myself
Get these emotions out

800 miles and more texts than I can count
1 day online and the memories it would amount
A sleepless night spent together
Even though our distance caused different weather

I love you, so much, more than you'll ever know
If my parents weren't so upset about the internet, I would see you now
Even with our troubles, tears and the dumb crap we may say
I won't ever leave your side, even 800 miles away.

My lips are sewn shut
By the people I love
My thoughts are trapped
With no way out

I haven't been taught how to cope
So I joke about everything I know
Then at night or in the shower
I cry my thoughts out until I'm numb

I haven't been taught how to cope
So I force my thoughts away
Until my feelings are gone, too
And I wait until I'm able to force myself to be happy

I haven't grown up able to talk
For judgment would await
And I can't seem to find the light
They said would be at the end

I'm starting to think there is no end

The walls keep me confined
This space I can't see
It keeps me

Every ounce of breath I have
Taken out of me
While my own thoughts consume me

My brain won't stop thinking
Anxiety and fears grip me
And I feel at a loss for control

I can lay alone in my own bed
But the darkness lays with me instead
And it doesn't let me sleep

I sleep, finally free
I awake, happy as can be
I feel fine, at peace with my mind

Then the darkness of the night comes again
And I can't see, can't breathe

Time is sprinting ahead of me
and I can't catch up
I've lost track of my life around me
and the people who are stuck

The end is right there
I need to run, run, run
but time got there first
and now I'm in trouble, just my luck

I can't keep up with my papers and friends
my thoughts and confusion taking control
I'm letting it take over me, I gave up my fight
all I'm gonna do now is wait for the right time
(to say it aloud)

Ahead of me is a meadow
Full of beautiful flowers
I love to see every one of them
So vibrant in their color
Blue flowers, and pink flowers
Whichever will I choose?
I can't decide, so I take both
Both I love the same

She wants me to pick blue only
She'll hate me if I pick pink
Even if I choose both flowers
She'll never let me win
So I hide the pink flower from her
And my love for it
And show her my blue flower
And how much I adore it

On the outside, I'm just like you
I laugh at the jokes you make
When you make fun of me
And it's as if they never could get to me
Never, at all

However, as much as I wish it was true
I'm too afraid of you.
I know you'll make fun of me more
If I told you how those jokes hurt

I can never express the things I like
Such as the music I enjoy,
Because I'll get in trouble
For it being so unpure

It may be my own fault I'm like this
I've let my fears and insecurities take over me
But honestly, I think it's just
The way you all raised me.
My classmates, parents, siblings, and cousins too
Your influence on me has taken control
As well as society's too

How to describe what happens in my head?

Well, I guess I'll just start with this.

It's almost like a colorful storm that changes every day. The rain falling down is never the same. At night the rain turns acidic and tears me down. But in the morning, when I wonder what that was all about, the rain helps it all grow back.
It's weird, I'll admit, and I'm not sure anyone else feels this. But that the best way I can put my feelings into words
Without feeling it again

"You're so smart, you get to go to college as a teenager!"
I'm terrified of disappointing my mom so I force myself to overwork in school and force myself to take college courses because my sister did too.

"How are you never affected by them? They make fun of you all the time!"
I never show how much it bothers me at class, but once I'm alone I cry it all out so I don't let them get the satisfaction of causing me to want to die.

"Calm down it was just a joke!"
And that joke hurt me. You don't get to decide how much a 'joke' hurts me. It scared me, and you will never stop making fun of me for it. I don't care if it was just a joke to you, because it's so much more to me.

"You're, like, the happiest person ever, you can't feel sad!"
Of course not, if I cry my mom gets annoyed, people pity me, classmates laugh at me. If I'm sad people will never let me forget it, and I'll never be able to be happy again.

"I understand you!"
No, you don't. Because I never let myself talk to anyone about it. I'm too much of a coward to vent to people because I always feel like they judge me, or are annoyed, or don't care. The worst-case scenario they tell others, and those others laugh at me because I go through these things.

"You can talk to me!"
Would you really listen? Because sometimes I feel like no one can hear me.

Their words are knives
Ripping open my flesh
And giving me scars
That don't look the best

I'll sit there and let them hurt me
And I'll laugh along as if it doesn't bother me
But once I get home...

I'll hop in the shower
Tears will stream down my face
I'll fall to the ground
Wondering "What's wrong with me?"

Is it my body?
My hair? My eyes?
The way I talk? The way I laugh?
It makes me want to stop existing just to see if they cry

But I know they won't.

These people aren't human,
But downright monsters.

They will laugh at a small 6-year-old boy
Who just lost his life by drowning.

They will giggle at someone crying
When it was their fault, to begin with.

They will make fun of anything that isn't their "normal"
When that person already wants to die.

They don't care about anyone's feelings,
Their hurt, their smiles
The only thing they want to do is laugh
At ripping others apart with knives

I don't like talking to you
Because I'm scared I'll be awkward
And make you hate me

I don't look at you in the halls
Because I'm scared you'll look back
And my chest will fall

I avoid texting back
Because I'm scared I'll send some dumb text
I'll regret later on

I look to my feet
Not because I'm scared of you,
But I'm scared of the hate

I'm a coward, afraid of the people in the world
Their judgment, their problems, their lives
I'm scared that if I love someone
I'll destroy them as much as I am

I promise you, I don't hate you
I'm not trying to avoid you
I'm just terrified
Of loving you.

We haven't spoken in a few days
Why? I'm not sure

You were texting on my birthday
And the next you disappeared.

You're inactive online and my texts seem ignored.
Are you grounded, tired of me, or something much worse?

All I can say right now is I miss you more than anything
And I love you a lot

I need to know if you're okay
And not leaving me in the dark

Since when did I have to do this
Since when did I have to write
To keep me from going insane
And crying every night.

Once I was happy,
A joyful little girl
But ever since I grew up
I seem to see way more

I can see now, the terrifying world
And I can hear now, the voices knocking at my door
I can feel the sadness, as I walk through the air
And I can sense that I am no little girl no more.

I miss believing I'd be happy forever
I miss running around playing house
I miss not being sad with every breath and more
And I miss most of all trusting in us

It stabs me every night
Giving me the worst fright
When I can see it in front of me
I want to cry or scream

The memories, the scenarios
Some include loved ones' burials
They are mostly fake, I can see
But I can't stop them from coming

I cry every night, depression? I'll never know
Sometimes I'm fine, but it hits me with a fatal blow
I can't stop feeling this way,
So please, don't try to help, it won't help anyway

I feel insane like rational thought has flown away
I know it isn't true, but I'm scared, so it'll stay
It seems to feed off my sadness, my fear, every inch of my being
And it makes me feel guilty, for, well, living.

I talk to my friends, talk to my family
They say, "You're fine, it'll go away"
So I try to ignore the screaming in my head,
But when I fail, I just cry myself to sleep instead

It's what sticks with us
For almost our whole lives
We waste all of our time
Being stabbed by these knives
Without stopping to think
"Where would we be without that?"
We don't stop and appreciate
Where we are now
The place we came to
Because of those events
And since we can never forgive ourselves
And never forget
We will never live our lives
And that's what we will always regret.

Loud
The noise drowns everyone out
The screams
They are the only one here

I try to hide
But the noise follows me
Inside and out
It kills me

I want to make it stop
I want someone to help
I need someone to just
Drown the noise out

When I look into her eyes
I don't see her pretty smile
I see tears
Just waiting to fall

She stands there, stiff and unmoving
Looking through me
And no matter what I do
She doesn't respond

So as I sit there
And watch those tears fall
I sit and wonder
What I did wrong?

If I talk no one will listen
If I speak no one will hear

If I look around and see you
You always disappear

I can chase and chase and chase you
But never in my life

Would I think that you'd ever
Be chasing me tonight