at this time, i am 18,
i am living as a boy
around everyone but my family.
i have come out numerous times,
but they still have trouble accepting me,
for who i am.
living two lives
is terrifying
i am always scared.
living as Hailey around my family,
living as Alex around my friends
i have no identity
i’m praying to be a boy,
i’m dreaming to be a boy,
i’m wishing to be a boy.
i’m begging to God to change my body
i do not belong in my body
this is not my body.
my chest is not my chest,
my voice is not my voice,
my body is not my body.
for as long as i can remember
my brain and body have been fighting
many wars have been lost by my brain
i’m tired of constantly fighting
of constantly losing
this is exhausting!

What it’s like the be transgender (FtM)
It’s more than wanting to change your body, more than being insecure.
It’s looking at yourself in the mirror and feeling less manly and masculine than you look.
It’s days where you look like a man and days where you look like a girl.
It’s almost breaking your ribs from using ace bandages.
Putting a sock in your pants just to look like a boy when you go to the store.
It’s cutting your hair short so you look more masculine.
It’s wondering if anybody will love you for what’s between your legs before surgery.
It’s dreaming and begging to God to change you into the man you are overnight.
It’s looking at magazines and crying because you know you’ll have to pay thousands of dollars to cut off what’s on your chest.
It’s being a child and wanting to die because you’re scared of what people will think of you,
That is just a little taste of what it’s like to be transgender.