I just wanna be heard.

As the eldest daughter
Here I am
Stuck raising the children whom I didn’t birth
I’m stuck getting yelled at
Always burdened with high expectations
But I’m also not believed in
“You’ll never afford a car.”
“Not until you get all a’s”
I watch as my siblings get away with something
Something I would been slapped for as a child
“Eldest daughters are so lucky”
Well I don’t feel lucky at all

they tell me my body is tea
but are we looking at the same person?
I don't have a small enough waist
or a flat stomach
or better thighs
I can always weigh lighter
look thinner
look better
I'll always skip that meal
then overeat
god why cant I eat like normal
I weigh to much
I hate when people pick me up
in fear that they'll think I'm too heavy
my waist needs to be smaller
and my stomach is not flat enough
Ill decide not to eat for the next couple days
I wish I could eat and still look okay
I'm not skinny enough
I could always be better

don't tell them
don't tell them
don't tell them how much your struggling
how much you need to cry
how much you wanted to tell them
just shut up
don't make it about yourself
don't be selfish
don't ruin someone elses day
just shut up

My heart once so imaginative and pure
now broken and dull
my eyes once filled with childish wonders and hope
now filled with lifelessness and pain
my mind once so playful
now wonders when everything will finally be over
the girl I once was wont be returning anytime soon
the girl I once was has probably been dead a while now
I'm pretty sure I left her in 3rd grade
all I know is
shes not coming back

blue eyes were always my favorite
until I fell in love with his brown eyes
the way they lit up when he laughed
and the way the glistened under flashing lights
that's when I knew
blue eyes were no longer my favorite

don't break the pattern
the pattern I've been following for over 36 days
don't pick up the blade
don't do it
its getting tougher and tougher everyday
make it to 15 without purposely bleeding
come on
don't break the pattern