Thinking of you is like
Having to sneeze but not being able to.
It’s that itching feeling that you get,
That uncomfortable dizziness that’s
so mild it doesn’t really matter much.
But it matters to you.
Because you have to deal with the discomfort of the knowledge that you need to do something but you can’t.
Your body won’t LET you.
Your heart won’t LET you.
Your mind won’t LET you.
Are we still talking about sneezing?

Before
My biggest fear is loving him too much.
I’m not afraid of the dark.
I’m not afraid of bees.
I’m not afraid of ghosts.
I’m not afraid of sharks.
I’m not afraid of heights.
I’m not afraid of death.
I’m afraid I’ll love him more than he loves me.
The most painful feeling is loving someone more than they love you.
I told him this.
I warned him I love too much.
I warned him before we even said love.
And he said

Me too.

Now
we love each other equally.
So if I ever wonder how much he loves me.
I think about how much I love him
And then I smile
Because I know he loves me that much too.
And that is something I can say
Without a single doubt in my mind.

She lifts her head to the sky
as if rolling her eyes
and asking God to answer her cries
all in one.

You take your anger out on me
And yeah I guess that’s fine.
I’m still totally in love with you.
You’re still mine.

I wish you didn’t take your anger out on me.
It makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong.
like you’re not happy.

I wish you didn’t take your anger out on me.
I wish you were happy simply and wholeheartedly.
I wish you understood how much it hurts.
Bullets not for me,
grazing my skin.

You say you miss me
Then you hit me
With a phrase
that ruins my day.

I know you don’t mean it
But that doesn’t matter.
Manslaughter’s still ******
Even if it was just chatter.

I’ve told you that you remind of my father.
Sometimes a little too much.
But even though you take your anger out on me.
I seem to still love you unconditionally.

I’m angry.
I’m angry because pouring a glass of wine
is more important than asking me about my day.
I’m angry because when I tell you a secret
everyone knows in a matter of seconds
and you didn’t even say a word.
The wine did.
I’m angry because when I ask my father for help
all he says is
“this is how it is”.
I’m angry that I’m not stronger than your bottle opener.
I’m angry that when I cry for help
You can’t hear because you’re drowning
In wine.
I’m angry because you’re angry that i lie.
I lie because I’m angry.
I’m just angry, that’s all.

If a guy compares you to his ex, he’s not over her. Plain and simple. He’s trying to give himself reasons of why he SHOULD be over her.

How dare you have the audacity
To tell me I don't know what pain feels like.
How dare you tell me I don't understand what it feels like to lose someone.
How it feels to lose something
You cared for so much.
How dare you tell me I don't know what it feels like to feel so much pain that you need more of it in order to feel less.
How dare you tell me I don't know how it feels to have my head under water with no way out.
How dare you tell me I don't know what it is to struggle with tempting depression or crushing anxiety.
How dare you tell me I don't get it.
How dare you tell me I can't ever get it.
How dare you tell me I can't understand it.
How dare you tell me I don't understand the pain of losing your life without stopping your heart.
Because I do.
And I will.
It's called life.
And all you can do is get through it
with your scars.

When I was 11
I met a girl who looked just like me
Her first name was depression.
Only she had gray eyes
And left a dark impression

When I was 13
I met a girl who looked just like me
Her first name was anxiety.
Only she had dark circles under her eyes
And too too many sleepless nights

Words have power in them.
God spoke us into existence.
Therefore we have the gift of speech.
Not in the way you’re thinking.
You can’t say “I need $20”
And suddenly it’ll appear in front of you.
It doesn’t work that way,
But I’m sure many of you have already guessed.
Telling someone they’re beautiful
Makes them beautiful.
Telling someone they’re intelligent
Makes them intelligent.
Telling someone they’re worthless
Makes them worthless.
Words have power in them
Chose your words carefully.
They may make a difference in a life.
You may never know the difference you’ve made
But why not try.
Being kind doesn’t hurt anyone.
It’s so simple yet so uncommon.

Tell the next person you see
That they’re beautiful.

It’ll make they’re day.
Because even if they don’t believe it themselves,
They know that someone else does.

When the psychoanalyst
Pulls out the piece of paper
And asks:
What does this look like to you?
I’d like to answer by saying
A bunch of black blotches on a page.
But that’s not what I said.
That’s not what you’re supposed to say.
You’re supposed to look at it really hard
And make an image out of nothing.
I can’t remember what I said.
But I do remember,
The woman making me repeat it,
asking for a back story.
I didn’t give it enough thought for a
“back story”.
No, I do not know why
the man is sitting at a park bench alone
eating a sandwich.
Maybe his wife left him
and he can’t make his own food
Because he’s the type of guy
Who’s been married so long
He doesn’t know how to not be married
So he bought a sandwich
I’ve never been married so,
I don’t know.
Maybe he just likes sandwiches.
It’s not my fault the black blotches
On the piece of paper
Look like a man eating a sandwich.
Now that I think about it
I was probably just hungry.
Why are you asking me
What these black blotches on paper
Look like?
Why don’t you tell me?
How the **** should I know.

Blank note
          Is what my notebook reads.
Blank mind
          Is what my mind will tease.
Blank tongue
          Is what my mouth seeks.
Blank look
          Is how my face is seen.
Blank heart
          Is what my body needs.
Blank slate
          Is when the blades will bleed.

Bottled up thoughts
like the ones in treasure chests,
like the bottles of ships
in the oceans crests.

Bottled up sand
and bottled up words.
The ocean swallows
what the ocean heard.

Words whispered into the wind
watch the clouds dance
as they flash their furious grin.

Words not listened to
by anything but the sun
and the moon
and the stars
all without a mouth
to comment on your infidelity.

I hate caring about people.
Because then you have to worry about their feelings
And then you have to worry about your feelings.
And then you have to worry about how their feelings effect your feelings.
And then you have to worry about how other people’s feelings effect their feelings and how that effects your feelings.
And then you get to feel that.
You know you love someone when you can feel them.
I love this feeling
But I hate this feeling.
It causes happiness
But it causes stress.
It causes a mess.
A mess of emotions.
One I’m not equipped to handle.
It’s not of those things where I can just
breathe
and light a candle.
I’ve had a lot of messes in my life
Mostly because I’m a mess
But I’ve dealt with all of them.
But this one I just don’t know.
People say “oh you’re fine.
You’re gonna live.”
I know in the end I’ll live.
But that’s the scary part.

Chances.
How many do you get?
How many do you want?
You can take them.
Or you can steal them.
But who do you steal them from?

Only so many are given.
It's advised not to push the limits.
Although there are all too many gimics.
Of chances I mean.
How do you know when you get one?
How do you know when you loose one?
Often you're told,
often they're sold.

They're traded from person to person.
Given, taken, stolen, awakened.
Sometimes people don't want to give them.
Because maybe you took too many.
Maybe you just took them without asking.
People don't like that,
When you take things without asking.
It makes them feel used.
A feeling all too common I see.

If you take a chance.
You can choose the size.
It's best advised,
you measure it.
Because from time to time,
People don't.
They let someone else choose for them.
You don’t want the wrong size
Not everyone knows your size
That’s why you’re supposed to choose for yourself
You can't wear clothes that are too big.
You'll look foolish.
That's why you return them.
But you can't return chances.
There are no receipts.
No repeats.
Only advances,
To places that lead to more chances,
If you’re lucky.

Chances are not redos.
So don't dare think they are.
Or you'll look foolish in your oversize suit.
During your life long commute.
People always remember the ones you take.
And especially the ones you steal.
So don't trip on your pride.
Because soon it'll be the only thing you’ve got.

I’ve contemplated it.
Whether or not my life is worth living.
I’ve thought about all the ways I’d be better.
The ways everyone else would be better.
But then I think of the people I love
And how much they might miss me?
Who knows if they would miss me or not.
Maybe I’m just another grain of sand in the great big beach of life.
Just another pebble to be stepped on,
In someone else’s pathway.

I’ve contemplated it.
How I would go through with it.
I thought about all the different ways.
Maybe make it look like an accident?
I don’t want anyone to be to blame.
Except for me that is.

I’ve contemplated it.
When I would do it.
Where I would do it.
But in the end,
I’d never go through with it.
I love him too much.
I love her too much.
I love them too much.
And maybe they don’t love me,
But that hasn’t stopped me
From loving them.

In the end,
I can’t do it.
I’ve finally realized
I’m not alone.
And neither are you.

I wonder if you think of me
as often as i think of you.
Not all happy thoughts might I add.
Mostly the bad memories that I stored away
and couldn’t see at the time
because love finds pleasure in digging out your eyes
and letting them bleed.
So that your blinded by the color of love.
A shade of red so deep you never saw it coming.
Don’t blame yourself my dear.
You know you were blind.
You can’t blame a blind person
for not knowing the difference between
rusty red roses and dead dandelions
that never had their wishes granted.
Seeds of distrust floating away in the wind
To plant more beautiful lion weeds
to eat up all the baby rosebuds
that would never see the light of day.
Devoured by the sharp teeth and raspy tongue
of the lioness of dandelions.
Not so dandy now.
I wonder if you regret me
as often as I regret you.

You demand all my love and respect.
But as soon as I want yours,
You have none to give.
Where did it go?
Because I gave you all mine.

The anger he just made me feel
Was dipped in stone and coated in steal
Burning sensation in my heart
Pulling my feelings dead apart
I wish to never feel this way
No matter how much I ever change
Every time I feel this way
I wish to never feel again

I always surprise myself with the physical pain
Of this mental feeling brought by this insane part of me.

Surely I’m not the only one?

Whether or not I fell
is not the question.
The question is:
Did I land on my feet?

Too early to tell
Haven’t reached the ground
I’ll let you know
When I’m all the way down.
For now as I’m falling
I’ll grab onto limbs
To break my descent
Before the light dims.

Call me whatever the ******* want
My name is forever in this dark font
Trapped in the cursive letters u gave
Write it down
Put it on my grave
This isn’t my real name
And you know it just the same

There's glass on the ground,
I can't remember why.
I look all around and up at the sky.
The clouds have covered the sun.

I never meant to feel this pain.
I never meant to feel this way.
I never mean to run away.
But it seems I do anyway.
I never pretend to be anybody else
Except for every day when
I’m just not myself.
I never cry myself to sleep
Except for the nights I silently weep.
I never fall on the ground
Don’t worry the scratches on knees
won’t be found.
I never whisper your name
Except for the nights I swallow my pain.
I never fall in love
Except for the times
I’ve fallen so hard
I wish I could die.
I never scream my thoughts
Except for the ones
bouncing around my brain.
I never lie awake
Except for the nights I cannot say.
I never shy too far away.
Old habits will be habits
At the end of the day.
Break them or lose them
They always stay.
Maybe eventually
To my dismay.

Trying not to text you everyday
is hard,
Trying not to wish for you everyday
is hard,
Trying to erase the imprint
you permanently
seared into my heart
is hard.

It’s really hard to move on.
I feel foolish now.
I feel like I should have known
being that happy isn’t possible for me.
I should have known.
I feel like I should have known.

I feel like I’m half empty
Instead of half full.
Half of me isn’t there
And half of me wasn’t ever there.

I’m still searching for my other half.
I’m one of the puzzle pieces
Waiting for the right person to fit.
And I know I have time
But there’s too much time.
Too many pieces that could fit
That would fit
That should fit
But they don’t.

And personally,
I don’t like puzzles.
I think they’re boring
And I never seem to end up finishing them
I tend to leave them half finished,
Half empty
Half full,
Half and
Not whole.

Half of my body says I don’t deserve
Half of the things I live to endure.
Half of my body says please set me free.
Half of my body says just let me be.
Half of my body loves him so.
Half of my body knows he’ll never show.
Half of my body says love over lust.
Half of my body says time over trust.
Half of my body knows too much.
Half of my body lies as such.
Half of my body says no one should save you.
Half of my body never forgave you.

Sometimes my heart and my brain,
Don't like to speak.
My heart will run before
My brain can even think.
My brain will be confused.
And my heart will be crying.
My heart will be broken,
And my brain will be lying.

Sometimes my heart is full
And my brain is empty.
The thoughts will just leave.
Without warning.
And my heart will fill.
With the thoughts and memories.
That aren't supposed to be there.
That isn't there place.
I want them to go back.
I want my brain to take them back.
Apparently they don’t do that.

I guess they don't want to.
Maybe my brain is cruel
And my heart is kind.
So they want to escape.

They want to escape my ugly mind.

Sometimes my heart is too open.
And I just need to close it.
But it's hard to do that.
Because it's not just a door,
you can slam shut.
Walls have to be built,
And watch towers have to be on stilts.

And what if someone
tears the walls down?
What would I do then?
My heart would be used to seclusion.
It would have to adjust.
My conclusion,
It's a repetitive cycle.
One I can't break.

My solution,
Let the walls stay broken.
Just for a little while.
If your heart gets hurt.
Let it hurt.
There's no use in hiding,
From something that
is going to happen anyway.
Either way.
Life's not a fun game to play.

She's high on life.
Well...
Life spiked with a little
something else.

I have seen the world a million times, yet I am not alive.
I am always moving, yet I can not breath.
I am older than all, yet I do not age.
What am I?

I’m the wind that fills your lungs,
the air you breathe so wishfully
hoping that this time
won’t be like that last.

Did you say you want me?
Oh I’m sorry.
I only want people I can’t have
who don’t want me.

I am in high school.
In every one of my English classes
I have been asked
If I believe love is real when we are young.
I have always said no.
I have always believed that love could not be real when you’re my age.
I have always said that you change too much and that love can’t be real if the people in love don’t know what it is.
I believed that people who said they were in love were in lust.
That is,
Until I met you.
And I’ve thought about it,
Whether I’m actually in love or not.
But I know I’m in love because
When you hurt I can feel it in my heart.
When you lie I can see it in your eyes.
When you smile, my soul brightens and my day automatically is made better.
When I think of you, I smile without even realizing it.
When someone asks me about you, I smile and say he’s good.  
When you tell me you love me, I can see it in your eyes, and I know you wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.
Because that’s just who you are.
I know I love you because when I think you’re mad at me I cry.
Because the idea of you not wishing to speak to me hurts so much.
I know I love you because when you’re in pain, I cry.
Because I can feel it, in my own soul.
I know you don’t tell me everything.
Because you’re scared it will scare me away.
But I love all of you.
I love your broken pieces
And your whole pieces.
I love you when you’re angry.
I love you when your sad.
I love you when you’re happy.
I love you when you’re mad.
And I love you when tears drip down your cheeks,
Because I know that you’re just like me.
You never forget you’re first love
And I know I will never
Forget you.

I hope that’s not too much pressure.....

I need to remember that
I’m just not one of those people
who simply
“won’t catch feelings.”
I am a loving person.
I give love.
That’s what I do.
I love others,
While making the mistake of thinking
They will love me back.
Why won’t you love me back

I doubt your inhibitions
cause I know you make bad decisions.
Impulsivity is your crime
You can change your mind
At the flip of a dime.
I don’t trust a person
Who makes these type of aversions.
Running loops of Psychosis
Insanity is your diagnosis.

No prescription at this time.
Not a pill in the world
could extinguish your lies.
Maybe one day they’ll make one.
Maybe one day you’ll take one.
Maybe one day trust won’t be
Just another one of your silly fees.

You tell me I should say please
Yet I know you’ll never hand over the keys.
Even though you speak with ease
I know you are a nervous tease.

If you never tell anyone, it never happened.
If there were no witnesses, it never happened.
If people say it didn't happen,
then it didn't, even if it did.
This is why not all people are an open book.
Not everyone wants you to read all their pages.
Because unfortunately, you can't rip out pages
of your own book.
Because if you don't tell anyone, it never happened.
Why did you tell your mom that you never had ***, when you knew that you have?
Because it never happened.
Why did you tell your boyfriend that you were okay, when you knew very well, that you were absolutely not?
Because it never happened.
Why did you tell your therapist that you've never tried drugs, when you know you have?
Because it never happened.
Why did you tell your best friend you were feeling better, when you knew nothing would make you feel better?
Because it never happened.
If you don't tell anyone, it never happened.
If no one knows, it never happened.
As long as you can bury it,
deep down inside yourself,
and never let the truth surface,
It . Never . Happened .
It . Never . Happens .
It's . Never . Happening.
You're fine.
Right?

My kindness
will slice your heart in half
And it’ll hurt way more
Than my violence
ever could.

And the cut will be clean.
Cleaner than the deed.
And you’ll remember
Every
Last
Thing.

And no it won’t **** you.
But isn’t that the best part?
It’s only meant
To tear you apart.

It’s funny how good of an actor
I can be...
A liar really.
It’s funny how so much
can come out of my mouth
And yet I mean so little.

Liar, Liar
My throat burns with fire.
Smoke pulsing through my veins
Suffocated by the chains.
Lies slipping from my tongue
Like hard liquor slipping down his throat.
Falling into his mind
So effortlessly.
My words are polished
With poison and daggers.
He listens to my words.
His mind staggers.
Each syllable blazing a path down his spine.
Each letter a stab from the red rose vine.
I say what he wants to hear.
He eats up every word.
And it’s the last of me he’ll ever taste.

An eye for an eye
They both go blind.
Bullet right through the chest
Promise it won’t make a mess.
Stab in the back this time
All along I knew your lies.
Time takes hostage too
No escape without clues.
I know
Nobody knew.

The more you take the more you leave behind.

The more you love the more you lose your mind.

The more you hate the more that you’re denied.

The more you fear the more you walk the line.

The more you hurt the more your mind declines.

Writing things down means someone can read them.
Someone can read my mind.
But with that comes a fine.
A fine you won’t wish to pay
Because that fine
Is knowing my mind
And the thoughts that disperse in it.
That fine is listening to my thoughts
And thinking you ought
To say something
Because otherwise
You don’t know where I’ll end up.

My heart wishes,
But my head would not dare.

A colorful collection of blood and tears
Wouldn’t be found for many years
Stare me down as my wound sears
Cut my name with sharpened shears

Claw my eyes,
I’m already blind.
Rip out my heart,
It’s already sliced.
Burn up my lungs,
The breath’s already gone.

Love already did this to me.

I don’t regret it,
It just would’ve been more convenient
If I didn’t do it.

I like to pretend that there’s nothing new.
but all of these people, they seem quite blue.
I can see, through and through.
You think toxic people are good for you.

Despite your beliefs
it is just such a relief
to see you still standing here.
While pain is still your greatest fear.

I like to pretend that there is nothing new.
but all of these people, they seem quite taboo.
I can see, through and through.
You think liars are good for you.

I guess you never stood a chance.
People these days don’t care to dance.
Being different is a disease.
Being the same puts people at ease.

Smiles are contagious.
Giving one is dangerous.
Unfortunately this put you in,
Quarantine is how you live.

I like to pretend that there is nothing new
but all of these people, they seem quite rude.
I can see, through and through
You think cheaters are good for you.

I know your father didn’t set a good example
But why don’t you take this as your own preamble.
People don’t change just as clocks don’t go backwards
Unless they’re so very broken or just very good actors.

I like to pretend that there is nothing new.
but all of these people, they seem quite shrewd.
I can see, through and through.
None of these people are good for you.

I long for a place where magic
is common sense.
A place where the impossible is real,
And what’s real is the impossible.
That is why I bury myself
In what you call nonsense.
Because nonsense
Makes all the cents
In worlds ways away.

Writing my feelings on paper
Instead of letting them dissipate like vapor
I didn’t know I’d end up here
But I didn’t know I’d end up in fear
I didn’t know I would end up in pain either.
I’m writing my feelings down on paper
So that I can ask it a favor.
Don’t let anyone know I ended up here.
Don’t tell anyone I ended up in fear.
Don’t tell anyone I ended up in pain either.

You broke a piece of me
that I’ll never get back.
And I want it back.
I want it back so bad.
But it’s in the floor,
The ***** pavement,
Broken into a million pieces.
I want to forget you
I want your memory gone
like the winds of yesterday.
Never to be seen again.
I want that piece of me back.
Can I have it please?
Please?
If I ask nicely will it be mine again?
Will you be mine again?
I mean “it”.
Not “you”.
No no no
I don’t want you.
But unfortunately,
That piece,
That piece you threw.
That was you.
And somehow I’m the only one hurting.

Tonight my thoughts are plagued of you.
I close my eyes and your image
dances behind my eyelids.
Everything reminds me of you
Even when I never meant it to.

Now I understand those girls
in the tv shows.
The ones that are crying
because the spoon she’s holding
reminds her of when
he brought her ice cream that one time.

She just sits there crying
Staring at her spoon
Wishing it would just go away.

That’s how I feel right now.

I feel like throwing my spoon
across the room
so that I never have to see it again.

How dare that ******* spoon
remind me of him.

Tonight,
My thoughts are plagued of you.

I look in the mirror and see you standing by my side
only to realize you never will again.
I curl up in bed and feel you against me
only to realize I never will again.
I feel your touch on my skin
only to realize I never will again.

It makes me wish that I knew
That the last time was our last.

I would have savored every moment.
But no,
I left thinking I would see you tomorrow.
And if not tomorrow,
Then the day after that.
But if not then,
The day after that.
I just thought I’d be with you again.
I didn’t care
if it was a million days from then
I just thought it would be again.

But it’s not.
Never again.
Never again is what echoes in my brain.
Bouncing around the edges of my head only to hit the inside of my skull and continue giving me that migraine that never seems to go away.
Never again is what I hear at night.
When I long for you by my side.
Never again.

Tonight,
My thoughts are plagued of you.
Everything reminds me of you
Even if I never meant it to.
WHY are my thoughts plagued of you?!
I want you out
I want you out so ******* bad but
It doesn’t work that way.
You slowly have to seep out of my heart
Out of my mind
Out of my blood
Out of my skin
Out of ME.

It feels like quitting another drug.
One that was a part of me for so long
I grew to need it.
The want was replaced by a need.
That drug was love.
That drug is love.
A drug I never wanna get hooked on again.

But guess what?

That’s not the reality.
We’re all hooked on it.
At one point or another.
And every time you have to quit,
The blade runs deeper and deeper.
Until eventually
Your heart’s carved out
into your hands
And you never get
to feel again.

My thoughts
           Are *******
                           Plagued
                                     Of you.

I love you more than anything I name
I know love has tendency to stain
I’m telling you I can’t get through this pain
I don’t know how to not feel this way
So I ask you please ****** stay

I realize healing isn’t that far away
But I know I won’t make it anyway
I’m telling you I’m not playing any games
I just want you to please ******* stay.
I didn’t realize that I could feel this way.
Trust me this wasn’t the plan today.
I didn’t know that I could be this way.
Guess my feelings just change.

Seems like everything’s in black and white.
Then I find the gray area and nothing is right.
And I know you didn’t sign up for this.
But I’m telling you, here it is.

Poison has many forms.
A ***** of the finger
Means death will linger.
Poisoned gun
Means no one is done.
Stab of a knife
You don’t get to think twice.
Tasteless wine
Last breath takes time.
Breathe filled with daggers
You’re lungs begin to stagger.
Words spoken twice
Means death won’t be nice.
Closed mind
Takes the longest time.

I thought the poison
Would make the pain go away
But instead it’s more powerful
And I feel it the next day.
So either way,
Everything’s gone awry.

I’m pretending to be okay.
I’m pretending so hard that
I can’t breathe.

I’m pretending.

I’m pretending that breathing is easy
I’m pretending that feeling is easy
I’m pretending that my heart doesn’t hurt so bad I want it removed.

I’m pretending.

Im pretending so hard that
I think it’s all true.
I’m not hurting.
I’m fine.
And that’s the point right?
To pretend so hard that the reality
goes away and
all you feel is the clear bliss
of
Denial.

Roses are beautiful
But they’re quite bitter tasting
Don’t reach for her heart
Because it doesn’t match her
Beautiful exterior
Chills to the bone
Is what you will receive
No warm emotions to calm your soul.
Roses are beautiful
But they stab you if you come near.
They don’t liked to be touched,
As most women feel.
No one likes a ***** ladies
Am I right?
Roses are beautiful
But they’re quite sweet smelling.
Poison to lure you into their magic spelling
Once your close and quite intoxicated
By that sweet sweet overrating.
You think you’ve got the girl
And then she pulls out her claws
And reminds you her thorns
Are sharper than her flaws.
Roses are beautiful
But roses will be roses
as long as she’s viewable.
Hold your expectations
For after the luminal.
Blank mind
You’ll find
Works best
For your own rest.