I need to remember that
I’m just not one of those people
who simply
“won’t catch feelings.”
I am a loving person.
I give love.
That’s what I do.
I love others,
While making the mistake of thinking
They will love me back.
Why won’t you love me back

She said,
I’ll give you a hint
If you swear you won’t tell.
She said,
I’ll give you a hint
If you promise I won’t go to hell.
She said,
Does anybody hear me
Or am I just talking to myself.
She said,
Why did you leave me
Why am I here by myself.
She said,
never did I trust you
Not like I did
all those years ago.
She said,
Who are you now
Cuz I don’t know.

No I am not sorry.
I will not give you an apology
Because I do not lie.
I will not tell you
I feel bad about what I did.
I do not.
You obviously don’t.
You are clearly not sorry.
Sorry means you won’t do it again,
But you did.
And you said sorry.
And again
But you said sorry.
And again
But you said sorry.
You’ve said sorry so many times
That I’ve lost the meaning of the word
When it leaves you’re mouth.
You are not sorry you did it.
You are sorry that I made you
feel bad about it.
You are sorry that I made you realize
You’re carelessness hurts.
You’re ignorance h u r t s.
But the difference between us
Is that you said you were sorry
When you didn’t mean it.
I would rather no apology
Than a blatant lie.
I will not say sorry,
Simply because
I most definitely
Am not.

I don’t regret it,
It just would’ve been more convenient
If I didn’t do it.

When the psychoanalyst
Pulls out the piece of paper
And asks:
What does this look like to you?
I’d like to answer by saying
A bunch of black blotches on a page.
But that’s not what I said.
That’s not what you’re supposed to say.
You’re supposed to look at it really hard
And make an image out of nothing.
I can’t remember what I said.
But I do remember,
The woman making me repeat it,
asking for a back story.
I didn’t give it enough thought for a
“back story”.
No, I do not know why
the man is sitting at a park bench alone
eating a sandwich.
Maybe his wife left him
and he can’t make his own food
Because he’s the type of guy
Who’s been married so long
He doesn’t know how to not be married
So he bought a sandwich
I’ve never been married so,
I don’t know.
Maybe he just likes sandwiches.
It’s not my fault the black blotches
On the piece of paper
Look like a man eating a sandwich.
Now that I think about it
I was probably just hungry.
Why are you asking me
What these black blotches on paper
Look like?
Why don’t you tell me?
How the **** should I know.

Accidentally in love.
Purposely broken.
Undeniably unknown.
Questionably sane.
Increasingly resilient.
Undone in every way.

Half of my body says I don’t deserve
Half of the things I live to endure.
Half of my body says please set me free.
Half of my body says just let me be.
Half of my body loves him so.
Half of my body knows he’ll never show.
Half of my body says love over lust.
Half of my body says time over trust.
Half of my body knows too much.
Half of my body lies as such.
Half of my body says no one should save you.
Half of my body never forgave you.

You demand all my love and respect.
But as soon as I want yours,
You have none to give.
Where did it go?
Because I gave you all mine.

My heart wishes,
But my head would not dare.

I can’t run.
I can’t hide.
And I sure as hell,
Can’t stay here.

You ask me to speak,
Why are you so quiet? You say.
And when I do
You breathe nails
Into my lungs
and through my heart.
Silence. you say
I didn’t ask for
your opinion.

Did you say you want me?
Oh I’m sorry.
I only want people I can’t have
who don’t want me.

A part of me will always love you.
I’ll probably always hate that part of me.

Hes pounding back those Oxys.
Dandelion petals they’re toxic.
Bite down ******* that barbed wire.
So that inside you can feel the fire.
They say don’t take candy from strangers
But it’s Halloween
and I wanna change her.
Candy canes In your stocking
Causing nausea since 1990.
Poppy petals in your hair
Tell me where we landed from there.
Black beauty just busted the door
Her name is Addy.
and she’s taking the floor.
Hey we’ve landed on cloud nine.
Time to see that vanilla sky.
Brought back a couple of moon rocks.
I swear I saw a tic tok clock.
My favorite kind are Kit Kats.
Can’t deny that relapse.
Please get your facts.
No one here stays in tact.
My best friend is Cheshire Cat.
Don’t worry
we’re all mad at that.

I doubt your inhibitions
cause I know you make bad decisions.
Impulsivity is your crime
You can change your mind
At the flip of a dime.
I don’t trust a person
Who makes these type of aversions.
Running loops of Psychosis
Insanity is your diagnosis.

No prescription at this time.
Not a pill in the world
could extinguish your lies.
Maybe one day they’ll make one.
Maybe one day you’ll take one.
Maybe one day trust won’t be
Just another one of your silly fees.

You tell me I should say please
Yet I know you’ll never hand over the keys.
Even though you speak with ease
I know you are a nervous tease.

He’s the type of boy I would fall for.
But not the type I would call for.
Wouldn’t bring him home to the parents.
Wouldn’t even trust him with the errands.
He’d be nice for a couple drinks at night.
But he’d be too stubborn
to turn down a fight.
Knowing him might be nice.
But Loving him,
You should think twice.

You broke a piece of me
that I’ll never get back.
And I want it back.
I want it back so bad.
But it’s in the floor,
The ***** pavement,
Broken into a million pieces.
I want to forget you
I want your memory gone
like the winds of yesterday.
Never to be seen again.
I want that piece of me back.
Can I have it please?
Please?
If I ask nicely will it be mine again?
Will you be mine again?
I mean “it”.
Not “you”.
No no no
I don’t want you.
But unfortunately,
That piece,
That piece you threw.
That was you.
And somehow I’m the only one hurting.

I wonder if you think of me
as often as i think of you.
Not all happy thoughts might I add.
Mostly the bad memories that I stored away
and couldn’t see at the time
because love finds pleasure in digging out your eyes
and letting them bleed.
So that your blinded by the color of love.
A shade of red so deep you never saw it coming.
Don’t blame yourself my dear.
You know you were blind.
You can’t blame a blind person
for not knowing the difference between
rusty red roses and dead dandelions
that never had their wishes granted.
Seeds of distrust floating away in the wind
To plant more beautiful lion weeds
to eat up all the baby rosebuds
that would never see the light of day.
Devoured by the sharp teeth and raspy tongue
of the lioness of dandelions.
Not so dandy now.
I wonder if you regret me
as often as I regret you.

I like to pretend that there’s nothing new.
but all of these people, they seem quite blue.
I can see, through and through.
You think toxic people are good for you.

Despite your beliefs
it is just such a relief
to see you still standing here.
While pain is still your greatest fear.

I like to pretend that there is nothing new.
but all of these people, they seem quite taboo.
I can see, through and through.
You think liars are good for you.

I guess you never stood a chance.
People these days don’t care to dance.
Being different is a disease.
Being the same puts people at ease.

Smiles are contagious.
Giving one is dangerous.
Unfortunately this put you in,
Quarantine is how you live.

I like to pretend that there is nothing new
but all of these people, they seem quite rude.
I can see, through and through
You think cheaters are good for you.

I know your father didn’t set a good example
But why don’t you take this as your own preamble.
People don’t change just as clocks don’t go backwards
Unless they’re so very broken or just very good actors.

I like to pretend that there is nothing new.
but all of these people, they seem quite shrewd.
I can see, through and through.
None of these people are good for you.

Roses are beautiful
But they’re quite bitter tasting
Don’t reach for her heart
Because it doesn’t match her
Beautiful exterior
Chills to the bone
Is what you will receive
No warm emotions to calm your soul.
Roses are beautiful
But they stab you if you come near.
They don’t liked to be touched,
As most women feel.
No one likes a ***** ladies
Am I right?
Roses are beautiful
But they’re quite sweet smelling.
Poison to lure you into their magic spelling
Once your close and quite intoxicated
By that sweet sweet overrating.
You think you’ve got the girl
And then she pulls out her claws
And reminds you her thorns
Are sharper than her flaws.
Roses are beautiful
But roses will be roses
as long as she’s viewable.
Hold your expectations
For after the luminal.
Blank mind
You’ll find
Works best
For your own rest.

I never meant to feel this pain.
I never meant to feel this way.
I never mean to run away.
But it seems I do anyway.
I never pretend to be anybody else
Except for every day when
I’m just not myself.
I never cry myself to sleep
Except for the nights I silently weep.
I never fall on the ground
Don’t worry the scratches on knees
won’t be found.
I never whisper your name
Except for the nights I swallow my pain.
I never fall in love
Except for the times
I’ve fallen so hard
I wish I could die.
I never scream my thoughts
Except for the ones
bouncing around my brain.
I never lie awake
Except for the nights I cannot say.
I never shy too far away.
Old habits will be habits
At the end of the day.
Break them or lose them
They always stay.
Maybe eventually
To my dismay.

It’s funny how good of an actor
I can be...
A liar really.
It’s funny how so much
can come out of my mouth
And yet I mean so little.

Liar, Liar
My throat burns with fire.
Smoke pulsing through my veins
Suffocated by the chains.
Lies slipping from my tongue
Like hard liquor slipping down his throat.
Falling into his mind
So effortlessly.
My words are polished
With poison and daggers.
He listens to my words.
His mind staggers.
Each syllable blazing a path down his spine.
Each letter a stab from the red rose vine.
I say what he wants to hear.
He eats up every word.
And it’s the last of me he’ll ever taste.

She's high on life.
Well...
Life spiked with a little
something else.

What’s written in the stars
Isn’t written in stone.
What’s written in the book
Isn’t written in bone.
Don’t let your stars decide
Who will fight
And who will die.
Who will change
And who will lie.
Don’t let your stars decide
Who will be next in line.
What’s written in the stars
Isn’t written stone.
And even stone
breaks like bone.

Bottled up thoughts
like the ones in treasure chests,
like the bottles of ships
in the oceans crests.

Bottled up sand
and bottled up words.
The ocean swallows
what the ocean heard.

Words whispered into the wind
watch the clouds dance
as they flash their furious grin.

Words not listened to
by anything but the sun
and the moon
and the stars
all without a mouth
to comment on your infidelity.

I have seen the world a million times, yet I am not alive.
I am always moving, yet I can not breath.
I am older than all, yet I do not age.
What am I?

I’m the wind that fills your lungs,
the air you breathe so wishfully
hoping that this time
won’t be like that last.

She lifts her head to the sky
as if rolling her eyes
and asking God to answer her cries
all in one.

I feel I’ve been uprooted
And I’m just hanging in the air.
But I’m a rose
Not an orchid
I can’t survive with my roots up there
Hanging in a tree.
I need to be grounded.
I need to soak up my confidence
from the ground up
otherwise I can’t feel anything
but the worms burrowing into my skin
and the bees buzzing in my head.

I’m so terribly alone.
I may be “loved”.
But I’m most definitely alone.
And not to mention lost.
Oh,
I’m so ******* lost I don’t even know
if I’m swimming up towards the air
that will release my lungs
or down to the depths of the sea
That will surely swallow me.
I’m so lost.
And alone.

I feel as if I’m wandering
with nowhere to go
and all I have to show
is my silly passport
that isn’t even real
because the name I see isn’t even mine
and the font it’s in
seems invisible to everyone else’s eye.
I’m so alone.
I’m so lost.
I’m so done.
I’m so ready to pay your cost,
Your fee,
Your ******* bounty,
Anything better than this ****** county.

But I can’t run away.
I have nowhere to run.
So I’m stuck being lost
In the same circle as always.
Going round
And round
Until suddenly
everything is fuzzy
And I’m too dizzy.
And all at once
My mind short circuits.
And it all starts over again.
The end.

Trying not to text you everyday
is hard,
Trying not to wish for you everyday
is hard,
Trying to erase the imprint
you permanently
seared into my heart
is hard.

It’s really hard to move on.
I feel foolish now.
I feel like I should have known
being that happy isn’t possible for me.
I should have known.
I feel like I should have known.

I feel like I’m half empty
Instead of half full.
Half of me isn’t there
And half of me wasn’t ever there.

I’m still searching for my other half.
I’m one of the puzzle pieces
Waiting for the right person to fit.
And I know I have time
But there’s too much time.
Too many pieces that could fit
That would fit
That should fit
But they don’t.

And personally,
I don’t like puzzles.
I think they’re boring
And I never seem to end up finishing them
I tend to leave them half finished,
Half empty
Half full,
Half and
Not whole.

Thinking of you is like
Having to sneeze but not being able to.
It’s that itching feeling that you get,
That uncomfortable dizziness that’s
so mild it doesn’t really matter much.
But it matters to you.
Because you have to deal with the discomfort of the knowledge that you need to do something but you can’t.
Your body won’t LET you.
Your heart won’t LET you.
Your mind won’t LET you.
Are we still talking about sneezing?

I thought the poison
Would make the pain go away
But instead it’s more powerful
And I feel it the next day.
So either way,
Everything’s gone awry.

Tonight my thoughts are plagued of you.
I close my eyes and your image
dances behind my eyelids.
Everything reminds me of you
Even when I never meant it to.

Now I understand those girls
in the tv shows.
The ones that are crying
because the spoon she’s holding
reminds her of when
he brought her ice cream that one time.

She just sits there crying
Staring at her spoon
Wishing it would just go away.

That’s how I feel right now.

I feel like throwing my spoon
across the room
so that I never have to see it again.

How dare that ******* spoon
remind me of him.

Tonight,
My thoughts are plagued of you.

I look in the mirror and see you standing by my side
only to realize you never will again.
I curl up in bed and feel you against me
only to realize I never will again.
I feel your touch on my skin
only to realize I never will again.

It makes me wish that I knew
That the last time was our last.

I would have savored every moment.
But no,
I left thinking I would see you tomorrow.
And if not tomorrow,
Then the day after that.
But if not then,
The day after that.
I just thought I’d be with you again.
I didn’t care
if it was a million days from then
I just thought it would be again.

But it’s not.
Never again.
Never again is what echoes in my brain.
Bouncing around the edges of my head only to hit the inside of my skull and continue giving me that migraine that never seems to go away.
Never again is what I hear at night.
When I long for you by my side.
Never again.

Tonight,
My thoughts are plagued of you.
Everything reminds me of you
Even if I never meant it to.
WHY are my thoughts plagued of you?!
I want you out
I want you out so ******* bad but
It doesn’t work that way.
You slowly have to seep out of my heart
Out of my mind
Out of my blood
Out of my skin
Out of ME.

It feels like quitting another drug.
One that was a part of me for so long
I grew to need it.
The want was replaced by a need.
That drug was love.
That drug is love.
A drug I never wanna get hooked on again.

But guess what?

That’s not the reality.
We’re all hooked on it.
At one point or another.
And every time you have to quit,
The blade runs deeper and deeper.
Until eventually
Your heart’s carved out
into your hands
And you never get
to feel again.

My thoughts
           Are *******
                           Plagued
                                     Of you.

I’m pretending to be okay.
I’m pretending so hard that
I can’t breathe.

I’m pretending.

I’m pretending that breathing is easy
I’m pretending that feeling is easy
I’m pretending that my heart doesn’t hurt so bad I want it removed.

I’m pretending.

Im pretending so hard that
I think it’s all true.
I’m not hurting.
I’m fine.
And that’s the point right?
To pretend so hard that the reality
goes away and
all you feel is the clear bliss
of
Denial.

My kindness
will slice your heart in half
And it’ll hurt way more
Than my violence
ever could.

And the cut will be clean.
Cleaner than the deed.
And you’ll remember
Every
Last
Thing.

And no it won’t **** you.
But isn’t that the best part?
It’s only meant
To tear you apart.

I long for a place where magic
is common sense.
A place where the impossible is real,
And what’s real is the impossible.
That is why I bury myself
In what you call nonsense.
Because nonsense
Makes all the cents
In worlds ways away.

When I was 11
I met a girl who looked just like me
Her first name was depression.
Only she had gray eyes
And left a dark impression

When I was 13
I met a girl who looked just like me
Her first name was anxiety.
Only she had dark circles under her eyes
And too too many sleepless nights

Whether or not I fell
is not the question.
The question is:
Did I land on my feet?

Too early to tell
Haven’t reached the ground
I’ll let you know
When I’m all the way down.
For now as I’m falling
I’ll grab onto limbs
To break my descent
Before the light dims.

A colorful collection of blood and tears
Wouldn’t be found for many years
Stare me down as my wound sears
Cut my name with sharpened shears

Claw my eyes,
I’m already blind.
Rip out my heart,
It’s already sliced.
Burn up my lungs,
The breath’s already gone.

Love already did this to me.

I feel like the world is kinda against us.
From the beginning
everything happened
To make sure we weren’t together.
Now
while we finally are
Everything happens to make sure we aren’t together.
You said it’s not the world against us,
But it’s us against the world.
But why can’t the world just agree.
Why can’t the world be as happy as we
When we’re together.
I don’t believe in coincidence.
Which is unfortunate,
my life would be so much easier if everything
Was
Just a coincidence.
But
Then again
Maybe the world wants to make sure
That in the future
When we face these challenges
We’ll be okay.
Maybe the world is just making sure
That in the end
We really will last.
Maybe.
It’s all just maybe.
Whether or not it’s the world against us
Or us against the world.
Something is against another.

P.s. The world won and so did you, but somehow, I lost Everything.

Blank note
          Is what my notebook reads.
Blank mind
          Is what my mind will tease.
Blank tongue
          Is what my mouth seeks.
Blank look
          Is how my face is seen.
Blank heart
          Is what my body needs.
Blank slate
          Is when the blades will bleed.

Pain is a temptress
Dressed in all black.
Looming over
Whats not coming back.
Wearing her own mask
While she pulls out her flask.

She didn’t know
It would end this way.
But who can know
The end to a chess game.

Move your king
But I’ll take your queen.
Hide your knights
But I won’t be seen.
A king is nothing
Without his queen
Therefore I’ll steal
What you’ve never dreamed.

Where do you think
You can hide?
Im telling you now
You can’t mask your pride.

Pain is a temptress
Dressed in rags.
Her charm shining through
Her silver flask.

A beautiful girl
Taken for a fool.
But what you don’t know
Is that you’re the tool.

A pawn in her game
Winning just the same.
She’s smarter than you
She knows all your
escape routes.

Don’t dare tell her
To leave you alone.
She’ll just tell you
This is your new home.

I hate that my support system
Needs my support.
I can’t help someone else
If I can’t help myself.
I can’t cry for me
I’m expected to cry for you.
When I cry you say it’s gonna be okay.
When you cry I say the same
Only you say it’s ******* and I’m making it up
You say I’ll never know enough
When have I ever lied to you.
Why do I have to believe you
But you can’t believe me.
When I show you the cuts on my wrist
You say I’m stupid
yeah, I get the gist.
When you show me the cuts on your wrist
I kiss them and say I love all of you.
And you sit there and cry
Telling me I don’t understand.
So we cry together
Mourning different things.
You mourn life.
While I mourn my sanity.

Her childhood would’ve been documented under the stars in the sky.
But they wanted media to be her whole entire life.
She’s young now
But when she’s old,
Everyone will already know
The stories she once told.
Every one will remember
Better than herself.
There are no secrets
When no secrets are kept on the shelf.
She will watch herself grow up
But so will everybody else.
Everyone sees happiness
When all she sees hell.
Who knows?
Only time will tell.
Maybe someday she’ll be happy
in her shell.
Painted and decorated by the eyes of others.
People who will never know the struggles of her mother.
Maybe one day she’ll see the sunlight.
Instead of the shining camera spot light.

I’ve contemplated it.
Whether or not my life is worth living.
I’ve thought about all the ways I’d be better.
The ways everyone else would be better.
But then I think of the people I love
And how much they might miss me?
Who knows if they would miss me or not.
Maybe I’m just another grain of sand in the great big beach of life.
Just another pebble to be stepped on,
In someone else’s pathway.

I’ve contemplated it.
How I would go through with it.
I thought about all the different ways.
Maybe make it look like an accident?
I don’t want anyone to be to blame.
Except for me that is.

I’ve contemplated it.
When I would do it.
Where I would do it.
But in the end,
I’d never go through with it.
I love him too much.
I love her too much.
I love them too much.
And maybe they don’t love me,
But that hasn’t stopped me
From loving them.

In the end,
I can’t do it.
I’ve finally realized
I’m not alone.
And neither are you.

I’m angry.
I’m angry because pouring a glass of wine
is more important than asking me about my day.
I’m angry because when I tell you a secret
everyone knows in a matter of seconds
and you didn’t even say a word.
The wine did.
I’m angry because when I ask my father for help
all he says is
“this is how it is”.
I’m angry that I’m not stronger than your bottle opener.
I’m angry that when I cry for help
You can’t hear because you’re drowning
In wine.
I’m angry because you’re angry that i lie.
I lie because I’m angry.
I’m just angry, that’s all.

Poison has many forms.
A ***** of the finger
Means death will linger.
Poisoned gun
Means no one is done.
Stab of a knife
You don’t get to think twice.
Tasteless wine
Last breath takes time.
Breathe filled with daggers
You’re lungs begin to stagger.
Words spoken twice
Means death won’t be nice.
Closed mind
Takes the longest time.

An eye for an eye
They both go blind.
Bullet right through the chest
Promise it won’t make a mess.
Stab in the back this time
All along I knew your lies.
Time takes hostage too
No escape without clues.
I know
Nobody knew.

Writing things down means someone can read them.
Someone can read my mind.
But with that comes a fine.
A fine you won’t wish to pay
Because that fine
Is knowing my mind
And the thoughts that disperse in it.
That fine is listening to my thoughts
And thinking you ought
To say something
Because otherwise
You don’t know where I’ll end up.

Writing my feelings on paper
Instead of letting them dissipate like vapor
I didn’t know I’d end up here
But I didn’t know I’d end up in fear
I didn’t know I would end up in pain either.
I’m writing my feelings down on paper
So that I can ask it a favor.
Don’t let anyone know I ended up here.
Don’t tell anyone I ended up in fear.
Don’t tell anyone I ended up in pain either.