I thought the poison
Would make the pain go away
But instead it’s more powerful
And I feel it the next day.
So either way,
Everything’s gone awry.

Tonight my thoughts are plagued of you.
I close my eyes and your image
dances behind my eyelids.
Everything reminds me of you
Even when I never meant it to.

Now I understand those girls
in the tv shows.
The ones that are crying
because the spoon she’s holding
reminds her of when
he brought her ice cream that one time.

She just sits there crying
Staring at her spoon
Wishing it would just go away.

That’s how I feel right now.

I feel like throwing my spoon
across the room
so that I never have to see it again.

How dare that ******* spoon
remind me of him.

Tonight,
My thoughts are plagued of you.

I look in the mirror and see you standing by my side
only to realize you never will again.
I curl up in bed and feel you against me
only to realize I never will again.
I feel your touch on my skin
only to realize I never will again.

It makes me wish that I knew
That the last time was our last.

I would have savored every moment.
But no,
I left thinking I would see you tomorrow.
And if not tomorrow,
Then the day after that.
But if not then,
The day after that.
I just thought I’d be with you again.
I didn’t care
if it was a million days from then
I just thought it would be again.

But it’s not.
Never again.
Never again is what echoes in my brain.
Bouncing around the edges of my head only to hit the inside of my skull and continue giving me that migraine that never seems to go away.
Never again is what I hear at night.
When I long for you by my side.
Never again.

Tonight,
My thoughts are plagued of you.
Everything reminds me of you
Even if I never meant it to.
WHY are my thoughts plagued of you?!
I want you out
I want you out so ******* bad but
It doesn’t work that way.
You slowly have to seep out of my heart
Out of my mind
Out of my blood
Out of my skin
Out of ME.

It feels like quitting another drug.
One that was a part of me for so long
I grew to need it.
The want was replaced by a need.
That drug was love.
That drug is love.
A drug I never wanna get hooked on again.

But guess what?

That’s not the reality.
We’re all hooked on it.
At one point or another.
And every time you have to quit,
The blade runs deeper and deeper.
Until eventually
Your heart’s carved out
into your hands
And you never get
to feel again.

My thoughts
           Are *******
                           Plagued
                                     Of you.

I’m pretending to be okay.
I’m pretending so hard that
I can’t breathe.

I’m pretending.

I’m pretending that breathing is easy
I’m pretending that feeling is easy
I’m pretending that my heart doesn’t hurt so bad I want it removed.

I’m pretending.

Im pretending so hard that
I think it’s all true.
I’m not hurting.
I’m fine.
And that’s the point right?
To pretend so hard that the reality
goes away and
all you feel is the clear bliss
of
Denial.

My kindness
will slice your heart in half
And it’ll hurt way more
Than my violence
ever could.

And the cut will be clean.
Cleaner than the deed.
And you’ll remember
Every
Last
Thing.

And no it won’t **** you.
But isn’t that the best part?
It’s only meant
To tear you apart.

I long for a place where magic
is common sense.
A place where the impossible is real,
And what’s real is the impossible.
That is why I bury myself
In what you call nonsense.
Because nonsense
Makes all the cents
In worlds ways away.

When I was 11
I met a girl who looked just like me
Her first name was depression.
Only she had gray eyes
And left a dark impression

When I was 13
I met a girl who looked just like me
Her first name was anxiety.
Only she had dark circles under her eyes
And too too many sleepless nights

Whether or not I fell
is not the question.
The question is:
Did I land on my feet?

Too early to tell
Haven’t reached the ground
I’ll let you know
When I’m all the way down.
For now as I’m falling
I’ll grab onto limbs
To break my descent
Before the light dims.