After all you've been through why do you still look for love and men? Because you have no idea how powerful it is to enjoy something you've been taught to fear.

last night I wished to die,
in the morning I ate like a queen,
dying makes you hungry.
Life feels dreamy
I keep on sleeping,
slowly fading
you won't hear me go.

My stomach gurgles day and night, it is not hungry but afraid. My fears have fallen from my mind into the pit of my stomach and I can hear them screaming to get out.

There is a spider in the kitchen we're both just stood staring, it and I in a trance of who runs first? Are you dangerous or am I? I try to catch it under a glass but it will not move, are you dangerous or am I? I step back it needs time to recover, we both do. There is a spider in the kitchen are you dangerous or am I?

like a half baked loaf of bread,
love still rising in the oven,
the warmth helps you grow.
You, a typical loaf oblivious to the hugging heat.
Doughy and innocent I wait.
Heat forming and falling.
I feel like butter melting by the stove
patiently awaiting a slice of you.

When I'm sad it rains,
its been raining a lot lately.
And just like that sentence I've been skirting around the edges trying to avoid direct contact with anything.
I feel like I am edgeless and not in a 'you are limitless' kind of way.
More like I have no idea who I am anymore and it scares the hell out of me!
I don't feel sad in the same way I used to when I could attach a tag to each emotion and say I know you.
I feel shattered and used like every bone in my body has come from a charity shop and I'm trying to figure out how everything works and what pieces are missing from the box.
I am drowning in my own rain and every breath I try to take to remind myself you have to survive,
fills my lungs a little more until I have to scream *******!
Bring it on,
because I refuse to die in this weather, just like the past I cannot change it but my coat has a hood and like everything,
rain is never permanent.

She lived like a smudge.
Nothing defined her yet somehow, everything did.
She was hard to comprehend and easy to spill.
Her ink well personality confused all, most of all herself.
Prominent and invisible she liked to tie things up with words.
Writing poetry and imagining new worlds.
No one quite knew what was wrong with her and few dared to ask.
She got used to living with lies, she got good at making her own.
Weaving and watching she tailored her mask.
If she let you in, she would be your everything,
observant as a hawk and shy as a mouse,
she would steal your thoughts and morph them with her own.
Mirror face she reflected everything you wanted,
a personalised friendly home.
If she wasn’t so complicated and sad,  
she would be unitive.
She could be anyone but no one distinctive.
Slowly the lying and hiding started to break her mask,
melting like candle wax her brain began burning.
She couldn’t hide any longer
when she tried it was too obvious.
people stared raw and obnoxious.
Medusa exposed she tried to hide.
She hated life and it showed.
Her brain taught her ways to cope,
and some days it whispered, “just don’t”.
Nihilism is too subtle.
Her life quickly became about survival.
Trying to get to heaven seemed the most viable option,
hell had lasted long enough,
She put her life up for auction.
She never saw if heaven existed after all,
She decided if I am to live, I will live for love.

You planted fear in the pit of my stomach and nurtured the seed,
now my varicose veins are green.
Watch, as I uproot this hideous ****,
that you so roughly dug inside of me.

Scrambled words on toast.
gulping down the hot coffee roast.
Place mats or beer mats face down on the table.
Sweaty palms trying to keep stable.
Ear drums and kettle screams.
Topsy turvy kitchen dreams.

Oh, temptress! bottled thoughts
let me pour one more glass,
Of your dark red poetry.
No, let me sink in it.
Who made this bottle so magical?
The poet's alchemist!
Corked and drinkable wisdom.
let the poems flow and put me to sleep again.

I move in life like a bumbling bee,
a lost tumbleweed.
Tripping and stalling at my choices like a fool.
All the while I'm watching you.
You're gliding effortlessly like them all.
Facedown on the ground, I see you as I crawl.
Close to the earth, I can feel your path,
jetting and dotting, forward and back.
We move in life like bumbling bees,
lost tumbleweeds.
Smearing and smudging our footprints of reality.

I'm running down the tunnel tunneling towards a black abyss.
Dark, lonesome vault-like the curves are all amiss.
Damp and moist filled cavern so foul and ever queer.
Drip, drop splashes echo filling up my ears.
Green eery glow now pooling in the pool.
Shoes soaked and clingy a stench so foul and cruel.
Metal clangs as rust scraps start scraping at my hands.
Ladder rungs are snapping beneath my footed stance.
Reaching for a metal hatch my fingers stretched up high.
Pushing on the push closed door my vision blurs the light.
I have run down the tunnel tunneling towards the black abyss.
Crashing through an unknown path I ended up in bliss

I feel everything bubble up through my soul like carbon dioxide, filling up all the empty holes to the outside, and then I bleed, I bleed dramatically, I bleed emotionally, seeping emotions pour out of me. I am not normal I am a little more porous.

I feel uprooted,
Screaming like the snakes of medusa
too much oxygen, then not enough
The soil of life disappearing beneath me
I cannot breathe! I've been tossed.
If God wanted Roses,
I must be a dandelion.