shychaospatrolWhisper

What is Transgender?I think sometimes, about what it means to be transgender. I probe and probe for answers, because as the possibility for a new age of enlightenment and safety increases, the others want to know. I’ve come up with many answers, but I can hold to none. I don’t deserve to paint the definition of a culture with the limited experiences I’ve had. I don’t see myself in the transgender identified people allowed on television. I don’t see myself in the transgender identified people making news feeds and giving high profile interviews. And as my nation’s exposure to our culture increases, likely will their curiosity. Am I transgender? Do I have the right? I’ve heard doctors, psychiatrists, may refuse transgender patients access to hormone therapy based on how dedicated or convincing their portrayal of their identified gender. If you want to be a man or woman, you’ll have to look like the women and men on TV. If you want to be transgender, you’ll have to look like the trans identified people on TV. Every single one of us who has an active role as either participant or observer in our society is prey to the crisis of validity. Am I pretty enough? Am I strong enough? Am I brave enough? Mom enough? Dad enough? Competitive enough? Successful enough? Rich enough? **** enough? Pious enough? It never ends. We’re, as a nation of people, being crushed and compartmentalized by this ever present lens, looming over us, exploiting our weaknesses and fears so it may grow wider, and support itself as it follows us, seemingly forever into the future. And one of the worst fears this camera of existential torment exploits, in most of us every day, is, “Do I have a reflection?” “What does it look like?” “Do I look like me?” What does it mean to be transgender? I can’t get away from that question. But I don’t have an answer. There are varying degrees of anguish, depression, panic, anxiety, and other wonderful emotional states that creep up on you and breathe down your neck nearly every waking day. Absolute contempt for the lie of a life you’ve lived till now, and contempt for the fragments still stuck to you, in memories, attached to your body and mind. Fear of those in your own community who would purposefully humiliate, invalidate, or attack you, choosing their own universal moral code over the innate urge and capacity to support the health and continued well being of another human. A ******* neighbor. A ******* pupil. A ******* employee. A ******* sister, brother, son, daughter, mother, father, cousin, ******* blood. What is being transgender like? By my experiences, it’s just like being anyone else in the country. But with a lot more fear, death, exclusion and medication.

Feb 5, 2015

Maybe: "United Wastes"I hide mostly in confines now. / Not fearing death, but life. / Lone in the light I can manage from matches

Jan 28, 2015

Maybe: "Mustard Gas"There's so much about the way leaves look. / Under light. / Wet with rain.

Jan 28, 2015

Maybe: "The World Around Me"The world around me casts its shadows over me. / Wanting it to be aware, the blemish on ***** flesh. / The wrench in the cogs.

Jan 26, 2015

Maybe: "SikSikSikS"Ohhh, Jokes, / I remember you, I remember hurt I should forget / but still and again it remains that I'm haunted

Jan 23, 2015

Maybe: "Water Avenue"God, electricity has never been so painful / as when it manifests in blue cords holding up your core / and doubled over the rail finding any way

Jan 22, 2015

Maybe: "It's Just an Echo"Do you see my red as your words come out? / (I really don’t hope that you do, but I really hope you do) / Do you see the smile while I reach presence?

Jan 22, 2015

Neckbeards and RadfemsMy personality clashes with dude bros and neckbeards and meninists and radfems and sjws and trans-exclusionary feminists alike. It's like meeting someone who's in a constant state of aggression spike. That shit's tiring. You're entitled to your identity as I am mine, but man. I'd hate to be 100% on. And someone hearing that can immediately identify that I'm only nearly 10% on. How the hell can we bridge this gap? I want to get to know you. How do we get closer? Can we get closer?

Jan 20, 2015

Zero Point BlankWill you whimper while you wait, / for me to save you? / Or will you make me?

Jan 16, 2015

Shyly, She Said, "Wait. I've always loved you."I wish that I, too, had cute pictures of you from the Summer / but the Summer it was cool to have a camera on ya phone, / I was flying solo, kicking rocks alone, rocks in my pocket broke

Jan 16, 2015