the first day I met you,
I wasn't breaking any rules.
I told my mom, "i'm going to meet a friend of a friend"
and she said, "sounds good, have fun."
we did have a lot of fun.
at first, you were a friend of a friend,
but then our connection shifted instantaneously
and we selfishly thought it would never end.
11 days passed,
and suddenly, I wanted to call you mine.
even though I didn't know you at all.
18 days later,
I left for a week.
you sent me a paragraph every day I was gone
to help me remember
that someone still cared.
throughout the next 51 days,
we became even more infatuated with each other.
from 8 PM to 9 PM every night,
we would text like our lives depended on it.
rules weren't being broken,
but lines were being crossed.
then, on August 9th, we played manhunt.
hiding behind a generator, you sat next to me.
then your hand was in mine.
then your arm was around my shoulder.
and then we were making silent promises,
3 words that mean the world to someone.
I got home 20 minutes later than my mom would have liked.
I didn't tell her anything that happened between us.
she was not very fond of you,
because I broke the rules for you.
22 days passed,
we were planning our next get-together.
I invited at least twenty-five people
just so I could see one.
August 31st was the last time we were happy together.
it was the last time I had all your love
it was the last time that our irises met
with nothing but sparks.
then, silence.
but not the kind that I hated.
it was the silence of waiting
for a time to see you again.
in my head, you still 'loved' me,
and in my head, you were still mine.
I wasn't allowed to message you in any form,
because I broke a lot of rules,
so instead, I waited for a while.
our friend said he'd try
to set something up for us.
on September 28th,
I asked you to come to a group hangout.
you were dry,
said we needed to talk.
I was worried about you,
about what was wrong,
but never once had the notion,
that 'we' were now gone.
October 3rd, 3 PM,
a funny day for someone to dump you.
to the world, it's a lovely holiday,
because Aaron asked Cady what day it was.
"It's October 3rd."
to me, it's the day that you left me.
it's the day of my first heartbreak.
it's the day you told me you never loved me
without even looking me in the eye.
I never said what I wanted to,
never got to tell you my feelings,
and it's been 150 days since October 3rd,
and I still catch myself missing you.
we were together for 135 days,
or wait, was it 102?
I guess it depends on how you look at things,
how things seem from your own point of view.
it was enough time to teach me some lessons,
like broken people make other people broken,
and when he loves you, he shows you,
and when something isn't meant to be,
it will end.
in the end, i'm glad I broke rules for you.
because you ending things made me a better person.
I've become stronger, smarter, and more sure of myself,
I just wish you could say the same.
May 12
May 12, 2026 at 2:31 PM UTC
sometimes I get a sinking feeling
that I'm not on anyone's mind.
that if I never reached out,
I would get none of their time.
in the church group, the school friends,
the dancers, I'm at the end.
in every space, i'm the bottom rung
stepped on by everyone.
winter jam, hope you had fun
I know I wasn't invited.
was it because you knew I was busy,
or because my presence, you don't like it?
"come get pizza," "let's go study!"
the requests go on for miles. --
"sorry, i'm busy," "I'll be out of town,"
-- but so do the declines.
maybe I just like the feeling
of knowing I'm not your friend.
of knowing that if it came down to it,
I would be left behind, again.
because I would rather be on everyone's
then the middle of one ladder.
even if it makes me cry,
even if it makes me sadder.
day by day, time after time,
the ladder keeps getting used.
not everyone gets to the top,
but they always stand on the bottom rung.
Mar 25
Mar 25, 2026 at 1:49 PM UTC
I met you one September,
thought you were forever,
Thought a ring on my finger
would make all of it better.
Even though you've moved on,
I've written so many songs,
little poems that you'll never read.
I kept every promise,
I put on a show.
No matter what you do,
I will never let go.
God, I still had the nerve
to just wish you were there
Even though you don't care,
even though it's not fair.
I tried every trope,
held out every hope,
Even though it's a laugh,
even though it's a joke.
Do you even remember
that night in December
When I turned to the fire,
all his things into embers.
You were watching inside
while watching me cry,
"Why's she even upset
if the love was a lie?"
I would never assume,
always give you more room
to adapt,
and to change,
and to push me away,
If it was what you needed,
I would nod and start bleeding,
and crying
and screaming
and let you keep leaving.
No matter the cost,
and no matter the pain,
I'll always look back
and wish you had stayed.
I'll grieve the life that I lost,
all the stories I made,
And I'll miss the guy who told me,
"It'll all be okay."
Maybe he's still there,
maybe he still cares,
Maybe he's just waiting
for someone to be there
For him when he's feeling sad,
when he's done,
when he's mad
At the world,
at his friends,
when he wants it to end.
He buries himself,
never ask for help,
Then puts you on the stage.
He put you on the stage.
Have I got it all wrong?
What if instead of two it's just one in the same?
and I'm the one who should be taking all the blame?
Have I ruined what was left,
piled all my regret,
and my guilt,
and my shame,
and blamed all of this game
on you?
Now what do I do?
Do I tell you I'm sorry,
tell you it was always
an act,
it was fake,
I never felt that way,
even though I am dying,
and I haven't stopped crying
for you,
oh for you,
ugh, for you.
The reason may have changed,
but I am still the same.
I used to cry for love,
now it's *** it's not enough
To be only your friend,
why did I make it end
All of those years ago
when I still loved you so?
Feb 16
Feb 16, 2026 at 3:09 PM UTC
I don't understand
why you tell me all your problems
like you think that I could solve them.
I don't understand
why you never end up calling
but I always end up falling for you.
For you.
You never try to make the time,
but for me, it's too easy.
I'll never stop and think about it
because it's so easy
to talk to you
about anything.
You joke, you laugh, but you never make those plans.
Because that would mean we're more than friends.
Feb 16
Feb 16, 2026 at 12:55 PM UTC
no, i don't love you,
but i still check your playlists.
i saw you finally took my name
out of your favorite.
no, i don't love you,
but i still have our pictures,
And i still feel sick to my stomach
when i picture you with her.
no, i don't love you,
but i still have the rose,
And i fondly think of the way
you held it up to my nose.
no, i don't love you,
but i've been counting the days
since october third, the last time
that i saw your face.
no, i don't love you,
but i miss you so much.
when i hear the Paper Kites,
my eyes still well up.
no, i don't love you,
but i kept my birthday letter.
i burned everything else,
and gave away your sweater.
and no, i don't love you,
but i don't hate you at all.
i still check my phone
and wonder if you'll ever call.
so no, i don't love you,
but i will never forget you.
and i hope you love her more
than i ever let you.
let this be goodbye
to you, who i once knew,
maybe i miss you,
but no, i don't love you.
Feb 11
Feb 11, 2026 at 4:07 PM UTC
i spend my nights making up stories
of things that will never be.
i think of you most often
your hair,
your eyes,
your voice,
i pretend you sing me my favorite songs,
songs that say things you never will
except in my dreams.
Feb 6
Feb 6, 2026 at 12:37 PM UTC
wavy brown hair
you make people stare
you're better than the best version of myself
lila, are you willing to share?
always knows what to say
never a bad hair day
i'd never tell you to get up and go away
but lila, you take his breath away.
you make every moment look like stardust
you make every boy start falling in love
lila, don't you realize that in my eyes and in his mind
you're an angel, a beautiful angel
golden doe eyes
perfect tan lines
all my flaws are lit up by your light
oh dearest lila, just hurt me once this time.
i don't have any reason not to love you
you really don't know, lila, let me show you
all of the tears that were on my face, won't you just put me in a cage
so i can hate you, wish i could hate you
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 12:37 PM UTC
you were always with me
in the back of my mind.
your smile, your hair,
the way it perfectly matches your eyes.
you were there when i was shopping,
when i saw that one sweatshirt.
it took me only one glance to buy it
because i knew you would like it.
you were there when i was sad,
invisible, but close to me,
like I could just reach out,
and you'd be there next to me.
you were there when i was with him,
in the way he said my name.
it never sounded right,
it didn't sound the same
as the way that you say it,
like I'm special and significant,
like if you were given the chance,
you would love me like you mean it.
but you're really only here
in my mind when I'm alone,
and when I'm with you,
my fantasy I cannot fully condone.
because you have always been here,
walking around in my mind,
and i hope one day you'll walk out of it,
and finally be mine.
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 10:24 AM UTC