Pieces of my heart
Scattered on the floor
Like my ***** laundry
Trying to pick them up
Put it back together
My hands shaking
Fear spreading in my veins
I can feel your presence over me
Like a dark cloud hanging above
in foggy forecast
If i make the wrong move
I know your arm will swing
I say the wrong thing I know
You will black out
I cannot have a repeat of last night
Choked down
Punched
Told that I am ugly
Bruised
I hate you for that
If I wasn’t so soft
I could pick myself up
Hurt you too
Cause the same pain
And fear you have filled my body with
I cannot have a repeat of my childhood
Maybe I shouldn’t have told you
What my mother did
I went through too much to go through it again
I see the same hatred and anger in your eyes as hers
I love you
As much as I hate you
50/50
Love the way you kiss me
Hold me
Caress me
Hate the way you hit me
Choke me
Belittle me
I know as long as I stay calm
Sit right here everything will be alright
There’s always a calmness before a storm
I’m praying
Because I cannot have a repeat of last night
I cannot relive my past
I got to piece my heart back together
And get up
Jul 29, 2018
Jul 29, 2018 at 8:30 PM UTC
My whole adolescence I had hope
But all my prayers went unanswered
All my dreams faded
Black and white
Forgotten
My childhood wasn’t an art piece
It was broken crayons on my school desk
It was fear
Hatred
Love
Tears
Blood
I had no idea what normal was
Chaotic coincidences made up my memories
Memories
They burn like having a cigarette put out on your tongue
Terrible brain connections
I hate my memories
I wish I could forget
Wake up from the nightmare of
Begging to be recognized
For forgiveness
I needed you
Needed somebody to see that I was hurting bad
But you were just like the rest
Blind of the truth
Believed the fabricated stories
Trust
It’s a word with a bitter taste
You have it, then lose it within a matter of seconds
1 second...trust is gained
2 seconds...it’s gone
Snap of a finger
Blink of an eye
My dear friend
I love you like there’s no tomorrow
I adore you
All your perfect imperfections
But love is never an easy emotion
Loving is really a bipolar feeling
Happy one second
Hateful the next
Crying one minute
Laughing the next
But my friend let me tell you
One little secret
I’ve been thru hell and back
But that little thing called hope
It still keeps me going
Jul 25, 2018
Jul 25, 2018 at 8:22 PM UTC
attention...
smear neon lipstick
all over my cushiony lips
I'll eat it like Crayola crayons
pose whorishly for the camera
be saccharinely
tell you I love you
when I know it's a lie
why?
for attention
always want to be the center of it
I'm a fiend
for
ATTENTION
give it to me I'll eat it up
and love every bite of it
Jun 18, 2018
Jun 18, 2018 at 7:24 PM UTC
the lights of a cop car gave me hope
I wanted them to take me away
from the pain
and tears
home was no longer home
it was a prison
mom and dad were guards
dad did nasty things to me
I kept silent
mama threw things
and slammed me against cupboards
she was unaware of dads behaviors
I blamed my body
if only I was unhealthy
sloppily so...
then maybe he would have left me alone
mama hated me
I saw it in her eyes
before she erupted and came down on me
but there was always a calmness before the storm
bipolar
it seemed
laughter and praise
rarely so
but still there
sometimes I wish I knew my real parents
but they weren't much better
******* lovers
I knew though
if I waited my sentence I'd be out free
one day
someday
I'd run free
I survived
I endured
and now I'm free
Jun 18, 2018
Jun 18, 2018 at 7:14 PM UTC
you and me
paper dolls
hand in hand
cutout of two lovers
who solemnly swear to another
that our love will always run deep
you
a mirroring reflection of me
holding on to a dream
we are wild
reckless
young
and free
my love for you will forever be strong
you make me content
there's no place id rather be
but in your arms
caress me
kiss me
love me gently
and roughly
whisper little nothings in my ear
your smile sparks a flame in my heart
paper dolls
you and me
meant to be
I love you
no one else id rather be with
no one else id rather call mine
Jun 13, 2018
Jun 13, 2018 at 5:54 PM UTC
I keep thinking
We are no longer prisoners
Bound and manacled together
Pulverized by the thought
That we could one day be freed
I was always the alibi
You led and i followed
Always one step behind
Was i too vulnerable?
Perhaps
But now the ad naseam has resurfaced
When i think about what happened
She didn’t deserve it
What we did to her
Only still to this day i don’t see
Much shame in your eyes
They seem jovial
My brain a kaleidoscope
Of gray and black thoughts
You know exactly what i know
That we will never be freed
We are still prisoners
Shackled and caged like untamed animals
Dec 7, 2017
Dec 7, 2017 at 2:15 PM UTC
purple thoughts
pool over in my mind
like bruises blossoming
on my thighs
hands so soft and intricate
as they wrapped around my neck
choking my exhale
whispered i love yous
that fall to the ground
i wanted to catch them
i wanted to believe them
from those soft lips that kissed me
but also spoke those bitter lies
purple thoughts
of depression
self hatred
anger
blaming myself instead of you
purple always was my favorite color
mama’s too
but it never suited my thighs
nor thoughts
Dec 7, 2017
Dec 7, 2017 at 2:00 PM UTC
I'm still trying to learn
learn how to deal with heartbreaks
being happy
not falling for someone too quickly
who I am
but I'm still lost
depressed
struggling with my emotions
I'm so tired of "having a model's body"
"perfect smile"
"gorgeous lips"
I don't want any of it no more
I don't want the attention any longer
so please stop staring at me
I'm too busy learning about who I am
to want to engage with you
go ahead take a picture
I'll play model
and smile
that perfect smile
but inside I'm dying
Dec 5, 2017
Dec 5, 2017 at 12:09 PM UTC
You treated me wrong
Like i didn’t belong
I was longer shiny and new
To you
I had no clue
As to whether
You still loved me
My mind was in a clouded gray fog
It was hard to get out of the smog
Of wicked lies
And outrageous cries because
You chose me
Then used me
Abused me
Physically
Verbally
Mentally misused me
You said you loved me
And then you threw me out
I was no china doll to you
Only simply
A rag doll
I am tall
But i felt so small
In your presence
It seemed I was nonexistent
Why did you treat me so different?
But at least now i know
That when you touch me i no longer glow
When i used to feel strong
And like i belonged
You knocked me down
And when i rose back up
You shoved me twice as hard against the wall
You made me feel so small
But i know i am tall
I know i am stronger
I know you are no longer
The person i once wanted
Though I am haunted by
Your wicked lies
Your ****** fists
And my outrageous cries
Dec 5, 2017
Dec 5, 2017 at 11:56 AM UTC
I lived my early childhood and adolescent years,
dreaming.
Musing about how when I grew older,
I would accomplish anything and everything.
I was so giddy about living in this perfect world,
that all the imperfections flew right by.
Because in those fantasmal dreams of mine,
I saw bright swirls of colors.
Hues of green and blue.
shades of yellow and colors like cerise, pink, and orange.
They danced around me.
They stirred inside me in a halycon manner.
Bubbling up so effervescently
like soda pop tickling the back of my throat
Nothing could break me away from your high spirits.
That was until I turned a little older and received a soupcon of reality.
And for the first time I felt...lost.
Confusion began to nibble away at me and I became afraid.
Because one by one my dreams slipped away; out of my reach--my grasp.
And all the imperfections in this world that had once flew right by me--now hit me in the heart.
And I had no choice but to face it.
I wouldn’t be able to fantasize any longer.
Like I wanted to.
Because reality had arrived at my doorstep.
And as I watched my amazing dreams fade away,
Ashes began piling up in the back of my throat,
And dark clouds of gray and black suffocated me.
I wanted to escape it all,
Maybe go back to the utopian like fantasy I had built in my head,
That was far better off than reality at the moment.
Because this moment was all too surreal
The navy currents swept me under and carried me away,
and these became the tints of my broken dreams.
Jun 22, 2017
Jun 22, 2017 at 2:25 PM UTC