Sometimes I lay and I think
I think
And I think
I wander
And I wonder
My mind spirals here
And then there
S
P
I
R
A
L
S
Until I find you there
Find the memory of what we were
No gental fall
Into the beginning
Or the end
It began
And then it was lost
We talked for hours
Stayed up enamoured
Then you whisked me away
Into our own world
For all of the hours that make up a day
We laughed
We played
We ran
We layed
The night consumed us
As we consumed eachothers attention
I felt free and alive
Alive and exposed
Exposed and alone
I talked
Amd I wondered
And I layed myself bare
Mind and body
I layed myself out to you
For the taking
And took is what you did
Took me on an adventure
One of thought and reflection
One of pain and deflection
You made me fall deep
Down into the depths
Sinking into my love for you
Trying to grasp onto the love I once knew
And then it was lost
I sank
Before I drowned
I sank
And you held me down
One night
One fight
One lie
One single goodbye
And then it was lost
The days spent
In our own world
Distorted
Walking the length of the river
No longer a place I walk along again
In the back of mind
But a place I'm dragged across
Dragged down to the end
The end
I walked and I loved
And then I was dragged
And it was lost
I
Was
Lost
Apr 17
Apr 17, 2026 at 4:50 PM UTC
I don't want to update
That **** emotions app
Because I want the feelings that are held within
To stay positive
As they lately mostly have been
But my feelings are starting to spiral again
Spiraling
D
O
W
N
D
R
O
W
N
I
N
G
M
E
D
R
A
G
G
I
N
G
M
E
Down deep
They're dragging me to where
The monster
And the snarling dog
Dwell and wait
The monster
T
A
N
G
L
E
S
Me up
Wraps up my limbs
As it drags me down deep
To where it lays
The snarling dog
Paces and drools
As it watches me pulled down
Laying in wait
For a taste
Of my sanity
Apr 17
Apr 17, 2026 at 4:50 PM UTC
You once
(I remember a few times)
Said to me
(Through tears I remember
And a sorrow look too)
"You can't go
For if you leave
I have nothing and no one
And I mine aswel go too"
You once
(I remember a few times)
Said to me
(Through tears I remember
And a sorrow look too)
"You can't go
You're all I have to live for
And I have nothing more"
But you only said those words
When I was laying at deaths door
Any other time
I meant less than nothing to you
Not anything more
I am fleeing
And I am now leaving
I am going
And I am not showing back up
For everytime you said
I was all you had to live for
You gave me a hundred more times
Of being the reason I had nothing to live for
For everytime you said I was the only thing
That made you happy
You gave me a thousand more times
Of being the reason
I couldn't be happy
You once said
I was all you had
Without me you're nothing
So nothing is what you shall now be
Because nothing is what I would have become
If I did not eventually decide to leave
Apr 17
Apr 17, 2026 at 4:49 PM UTC
Perpetual unsafety
Except with you
So now all I want
Is your touch
To reclaim
Everything taken away from me
Inside and out
Kiss me
And touch me gently
Everywhere that I was claimed unsafely
Replace the safety
Safe ears
Hearing your soft voice
Say all the things I want to hear
Calmly easing
All of my fears
Easily drying
All of my tears
I want to hear your voice
Sofly tell me
That you love me
Once again
Safe eyes
Seeing the silly faces
That you make
My way
Seeing the way you gaze
At my face
Seeing the way
You take in me
I want to see every little bit of you
See your smile
See your mouth curl as you laugh
See the way you look at me
See every little bit of you
Until you're deeply
Forever engraved into me
So that I can see you forever more
Safe nose
Smelling your cozy scent
Smelling the colognes
Always something new
But always smells like
You
I want to bury my face in your neck
Take in your very scent
Bury my face in your chest
Inhale you into me
Internalize the smell
Of safety
Safe lips
When they touch you softly
Every time I kiss a part of you
Or when I would kiss your lips
I want to kiss your lips
Have you kiss me back
Softly
Gently
Like you love me
Want me
Kiss me like you're safety
I want you to caress them gently
Slide a finger around
My lips
Touch them softly
Reistablish them
With safety
Safe mouth
Everytime I gently bite you
Or lick you
Safe when I take your finger
Into my mouth
Gently soothing
Subduing safely
I want to say everything
That I deeply mean
Forever until I'm no more
Forever until they're etched
Deep into your core
I want to place my mouth around you
Softly
Gently
Have you carress my head
As I take your breath
Making you feel good
Because I want to
Not because I'm forced to
Safe neck
Whenever you gently run
Your fingertips along it
When you place your cold hands
Gently against me
And watch me softly
I want you to gently
Softly
Place your hand around it
Slowly squeeze as you look
Right at me
Take my air away from me
Every so delicately
Ever so safely
I want you to caress it
And kiss it
Give it everything gentle
That it never safely had
Replace the harshness
And manipulation
With your lips
And your fingers
As you touch me
As you love me
Safe shoulders
When you massage them gently
Then you place your hands there
And settle them down
Breifly
When you lay your head
Softly against me
I want you to touch them more
Lay on me longer
Linger
And hover
Stay there
Safely
Safe arms
When I wrap them around you
When I use them to hold onto you
As you lift me up
Hold onto you
When I've given up
I want to hug you
Forever
Over and over
Lock my arms around your neck
As you pick me up
Safe wrists
When you would pin them down
Ever so delicately trapped
When you would wrap your fingers around
Showing how small
They really are
I want you to pin them again
Gently
Softly
Delicately
No force but that of your weight
As you lay me down
Safe hands
When I touch your arms
Your hands
You chest
Your stomach
Every peice of you
That you allow me to
I want to touch you more
Touch in intimate areas
Explore your body
With hands that abide
By my control
With hands that do as I want
As I say
As I lay them bare for you
And lay them on you bare
Real desire leaking out
Seeping out of them
Directly into you
Wanting you to allow me to feel
And do
Safe fingers
When I carress your face
As I softly gaze at you
Safe when I explore you
With my fingers
Grounded in reality
I want to touch your face more
I want to run my fingertips along
Your jaw
Your neck
Your lips
As we gaze at eachother
Softly
Keep my in reality
With you
With safety
Safe nails
When I run them along you
Ever so gently
Giving you attention
And my affection
Safe when I dig them into you
When you make me feel good
For you
I want to use them
To give you attention
Perpetually
Again and again
I want to use them
To mark you
Possibly scar you
As you make me feel good for you
Again
Mark you safely
Safe chest
When you play with it
Goofily
When you acknowledge it
Beyond sexually
Safe when you
Gently touch and squeeze
When you touch and caress me
Safe when you would kiss them
And observe them on my body
I want you to keep
Playing with me
Playfully
And sexually
Touch and carress them again
Kiss them and place safety back
Onto me with your lips
As you look directly at me
I want to take my shirt off
And let you look over me
Over them
And observe them
Safely
Safe stomach
When you rest your hands on it
When you give me gentle affection
And attention
Safe when you would kiss it
And rub it better
Safe when you tuck yourself
Tightly around it
I want you to touch it
More
I want you to kiss it
Again
I want you to give it more
Attention
I want you to wrap your arms around it
Safely
Safe back
When you'd apply my pain cream
Onto me
Safe when you'd massage it
Safe when you'd give me gentle attention
Gentle scritches and gentle kisses
Safe when exposed to you from behind
I want you to do it all again
Do it all more
Do it all gently
Affectionately
Safe legs
When they carry me to you
When I walk in your direction
When I run and flee
Right back to you
I want to use them to bring me back
Again and again
I want to use them to carry me
Back to you and call where they land me
Home
Safe ankles
When you'd apply my pain cream
Onto me
Safe when you'd help me while I struggle
Safe when you'd tell me to sit
So you can do it
Make me rest
Feel
Heal
I want you to continue to care for me
Care for them
Allow them to rest
Allow them to feel
Allow them to
Safely
Heal
Safe feet
Carrying me into your arms
Carrying me places with you
Carrying me for hours and hours
As we explore
Peacefully
I want them to continue to be used
To go places with you
To go places towards you
To go places for you
Inside of me
SAFE
SAFE
When you would enter me gently
Slowly
Softly
Give me love
Affection
Genuine care
And attention while you
Use me safely
SAFE
When you would insert yourself
Into everywhere unsafety has always been
Rewiring me
Repairing me
Inside out
SAFE
When you would fail to control
When you were done
And you would
Finish inside of me
Finish the complete overwriting
Of safety
I want you to once again
Place yourself in me gently
**** me slowly and softly
Take every vile thing
And **** it
I want you to touch me
Carress me
Gently
Kiss me
Softly
All over
Me
All over
Again
Rewrite every single little piece of me
With your safety
I no longer want harsh words
Or actions
The desire has died
In its place lies the bared
Scared
Insides
Wanting nothing but gentle
And kind
Wanting nothing but for you
To praise me
I want you to etch this safety
In and throughout
All of me
Over and over
Until its all I feel
Until I heal
But you don't want to be with me
In that way
So I'll accept the ways in which you do
Curl up in your arms and give my soul
To you
Let you take it
Heal it
Replace it
Give it back to me
When you leave
But all I beg is please
Don't taint it with more
Unsafety too
Apr 17
Apr 17, 2026 at 4:48 PM UTC
She's confident
When I hesitate
She's bold
When I'm meek
She's all consuming
When I'm easy to hide away
I sit on your lap and I look at your face
I see you hesitate so I go no further
I just simply play with your face gently
Running my fingertips against your chin
She sits on your lap and looks at your face
She sees you hesitate and she goes further
She kisses and carresses your neck
Asks you if its okay
You don't hesitate
She continues and then carresses your face
Runs her fingertips against your lips
Hovers her face ever so close to yours
Touches your nose to hers
She tells you boldly
"I really want to kiss you"
You no longer hesitate
You part your lips ever so slightly and invite her in
And she takes that invitation as she consumes you within her embarace
Shes bold and all consuming
Shes brave and confident
She doesn't hesitate or falter
Or back off or wander
I am not like her
And I never will be
I am not like her
And you want her
And not me
Jan 28
Jan 28, 2026 at 9:54 PM UTC
I lay there
Unresponsive on my own
Cold and alone
You get back from work
Find me there
Lifeless there
A mess on the bathroom floor
You pick me up
Undress me
Clean me off
While my body lolls around
Like a dolls
You ask me once
"Whats going on?"
And then nothing
You clean me up and contain me
You put me in pajamas
Carry me to my room
Lay me down
Cover me in my blankets
But there's no warmth here
I layed there
Lifeless
Unresponsive
For a total time
Of about 16 hours
You layed me down
Then left me alone
Left me on my own
I confused your containment for care
I whispered in my head
Thank you
I love you
As I lay completely alone
No warmth there
I broke
And had to break alone
You should have gotten me help
But instead you cleaned up
The problem
And put it away
Jan 11
Jan 11, 2026 at 12:05 AM UTC
Every single inch of me unsafe
Since the day I was born
Since the day I was misplaced
A soul never meant to land
On earth
Unsafe ears
Hearing for years and years
Loud
Harsh
Words
Hearing for years and years
Your voice
Chasing after me
Sexually
HIM
Yours
Theirs
Monsters
Hearing for years and years
The cries of the animals
Whose voices
Were going unheard
Hearing for years and years
The loud destruction
Of people
Animals
And things
Unsafe eyes
Seeing for years and years
The crimson red
From inside
Where you were
And where I've been
Seeing for years and years
Animals
And people
Taking
Their last breaths
Unmoving
Unsent
Seeing for years and years
The suffering of you
Me
Us
Unsafe nose
Smelling for years and years
The stench
Of a ****
A plant
A green giant
Turned white
And translucent
Except for the scent
Looming over me
Smelling for years and years
Tobacco
Chewed
Smoked
Swallowed
As it swallows me
In memories
Smelling for years and years
The fuel poured into the tank
Spilled onto you
Being spilled onto me
Smelling for years and years
The rotting decay
Of the dreaded house
The rotting place
Where you could smell
Me die
When you stepped into the orchard
Saw the corpses of apples
Reflecting back up
Onto me
Unsafe lips
Being kissed for years and years
By someone who should not
Have been kissing mine
But only those of the other
Only those of mother
Being kissed by a Monster
Freezing for years and years
Prolonged cold causing
Cracking
Breaking
Bleeding
Breaking
Hurting
Burning
Being kissed for years and years
By HIM
Another replication
Of the Monster
Who stole every part of me
Kissing me
When I said no more
Unsafe mouth
Feeling for years and years
A Monster inside of it
Inside of me
Held there
Forced there
Craving for years and years
For food to be expected
Secure
Safe
Un-interuppted
Choking for years and years
When the Monster
Would control
My breath
My air
Keeping me still there
Cynical and abrasive for years and years
When I would speak back
Spit out the vile words in my head
Hoping they would land all over you
Silent for years and years
When the words turned
Small and meek
Hoping to stay quiet
Hoping to sneak around you
Harsh and regretful for years and years
When I say the things
That I don't mean
When I'd whisper them
When I'd scream
Blinded by feelings
No inhibition
Screaming for years and years
Silently
Loudly
Keeping my voice
Or losing it into the sheets
Unsafe neck
Being choked for years and years
By hands that never
Wanted to stop
By hands that wanted me
To shut up
Hurting for years and years
Bent at wrong angles
From unsafe sleep
In places I never should've
Had to make into a bed
Unsafe shoulders
Being pinned for years and years
When you would use me
Abuse me
Subdue me
Being tied for years and years
In the name of
Safety
In the name of
Learning
But instead only
Crying
Screaming
Hurting
Unsafe arms
Climbing for years and years
Up things
Into things
Onto things
For safety
Freedom
Escape
Or very
Very
Rarely
Play
Fighting for years and years
Learning the moves
Words
Tactics
By muscle memory
Being stored right there
Inside of me
Being tied for years and years
In the name of
Safety
In the name of
Learning
But instead only
Crying
Screaming
Burning
Unsafe wrists
Being scarred for years and years
From when I tried
As a child
To take my life
And make it my own
By breaking it down
Breaking me down
Into soil
Being pinned for years and years
When you would use me
Subdue me
Undo me
Being tied for years and years
In the name of
Safety
In the name of
Learning
But instead only
Crying
Screaming
Curling
Unsafe hands
Touching for years and years
HIM
And the Monster
Both unwanted
But enshrouded
By my hands desire
Hands no longer mine
No longer tied down
By the disgust
Twisted by unsafe
Harmful
Sick
Lust
Being useless for years and years
As they lay there lifeless
Unresponsive to me
Dead
Dying
Without taking along
My body
Being useless for years and years
As I stare at them
Will them to move
Scream at them through my nerves
To respond
Take action
DO
Yet there they lay
Unmoving
Silent
Dying
Taking a blade for years and years
Using it to stain
My body
Desecrate it
Using itself
Something other than HIM
And the Monster
Changing me physically
From the outside
Going in
Unsafe fingers
Being tricked for years and years
As they were gently kissed
Gently used to explore
And caress
Through the fog
A false and peaceful haze
Of safe
Flicking the lighter on for years and years
Entrancing me
In the light of a flame
Breaking a light through the fog
And the haze
Etching that light
Into my body
As it burns me
Before letting it go out
Unsafe nails
Hurting you for years and years
Simply because you were there
Alongside me
Hurting you as you'd hurt me
Fighting eachother
Instead of
The Monster
Digging for years and years
Into their arms
Their hands
Anywhere I could access
To try and pry them
Off of me
Futile
And fleeting
Even through the bleeding
Scratching for years and years
When I meltdown
Shutdown
Autistic overwhelm
Repetition
And harmful stimming
Unsafe chest
Not seperate for years and years
From the rest
All upper body the same
All upper body plain
Until it wasn't
Escalation for years and years
Your desire and lust
For my body
Growing alongside me
Each one growing larger
Growing as large as
The Monster
Unsafe stomach
From birth causing pain for years and years
A hernia
Causing harm
And doctors in awe
Confused by what was done
Or performed
Unsure what circumstances surrounded me
When born
Running rampant for years and years
Causing me unbearable
Agonizing pain
Can't move
Can't breath
Can't scream
Until the doctor handed me
A cup of beautiful numbing blue
Starving for years and years
Yearning for full comfort
That comes from being full
But the fullness has become the discomfort
So now it yearns for the
Comfort of what was once
Unsafe
Safety misplaced
Being a site of descration for years and years
As the Monster
And HIM
Used it as the place
To release themselves
Onto me
Unsafe back
Pain for years and years
From being tied
I lay there
Wanting to curl up
But instead tied up
Curled all wrong
Pain for years and years
As the doctors poke
****
Assault me
While they dismiss me
Until they see me
Find me
Unbury the physical permanent
Reality
Unsafe legs
Being tied for years and years
In the name of
Safety
In the name of
Learning
But instead only
Crying
Screaming
Freezing
Running for years and years
Away from places
I wasn't meant to be
Away from my fears
Any potential cause of tears
Carrying me forever away
Imobile and useless for years and years
As they falter underneath me
Fail to hold me
Collapse under my weight
And bury me in the agony
Of no escape
Unsafe ankles
Fractured for years and years
An accident
Subdued
Pain ignored
Dismissed
Until much too long later
Permanently altered
Permanently faltered
Ignoring for years and years
Every signal in my body
Screaming at me
Stop
Rest
Heal
Feel
Because I was forced to ignore it
And now I somewhat enjoy it
Unsafe feet
Carrying me for years and years
On the memory of
Sudden sharp pain
Limping
Bleeding
Cleaning
Burning
Hurting
Military tactics
To clean and clense
A broken child
Cleaning the physical wound
Yet leaving so many others
Inside of me
UNSAFE
Unsafe when the monster
Took my existence as invitation
Entering
Inserting
Into places he shouldn't be
Forcing himself inside
Of me
Permanently altering
My appearance
And my reality
Missing anatomy
And pieces of me
Unsafe when I thought I was dying
Bleeding as shes lying
Peacefully asleep
Passes me YouTube
Tells me to leave
Crying
Sobbing
Finding out
That this is now the new normal
Along with the realization
That she doesn't care for me
UNSAFE
When you said you wanted to be
The first
To consensually take
My virginity
But instead
Just use me
UNSAFE
When I allowed you in
But put things in
As measure of safety
Mentally
Physically
But you ignore the boundary
For the pleasure you receive
From using me
UNSAFE
When I walked to the park to meet you
But you treated the rain
As a way
To lure me in
And use me
UNSAFE
When you invite me for a sleepover
When I try to roll over
Feigning sleep
Feigning safety
As you use me
UNSAFE
When you take previous agreements
As current entitlement
To my body
You take the love we had
And you use it
To use me
UNSAFE
When you take my silence as agreement
My unmoving body as consent
Even though I hesitated
Never said yes
You abuse me
Use me
UNSAFE
When the drugs
And your sanity
Cause you to leave me
Leave the plain of reality
As you force urself inside of me
Yet you never
Used me
UNSAFE
From the two people after you
Dissociation
Avoidence
No proper memory of both
Only remembering
Wanting you to once again be
Safe
UNSAFE
When I fled to escape
The Monster in my head
Brought back into my mind
By the person in my room
On my bed
I fled and landed right into
Anothers den
Taking my trauma
And using it
To use me
UNSAFE
For years and years
As he takes what the Monster did to me
And replecates
Replaces
Inserts himself into me
And the role of capturing every
Little
Single
Tiny
Grain
Of me
Using
And abusing
Until I'm all used up
So I placed all of my safety
In the things I collected
And surrounded
Around me
But now those too
Are being ripped away
From me
Perpetual unsafety
Dec 9, 2025
Dec 9, 2025 at 8:29 AM UTC
Everything in me
Won't stop
S
C
R
E
A
M
I
N
G
My insides are seething
Bubbling
And burning
My soul
My thoughts
My body
My contents
Are all
Explosive
CORROSIVE
Consuming and destroying
Burning and hurting
Eating away
Every last little bit of me
There is no light here
There is no soft tender touch here
Everything is shrouded
Everything burns
Everything hurts
The bomb has done its damage
And left everything radioactive
And radioactivety spreads
So let me stop it
With me instead
Nov 17, 2025
Nov 17, 2025 at 3:59 AM UTC
The only person I've ever erased
Gottan rid of every possible trace
Is HIM
But now theres a YOU
And I've gotten rid of every trace
Of you too now
HIM
And YOU
Both invade my space
Invade my mind
My peace
My sanity
Upheave my gravity
I always thought there'd only be one monster
But now theres another
It doesn't exist in my closet
Or under my bed
Or even in my head
It exists
And existed
In my home
In my bed
And violated me
Desecrated my body
Left me laying there
Decaying there
Going
I
N
S
A
N
E
There
Nov 9, 2025
Nov 9, 2025 at 8:17 AM UTC
I refuse to write a poem about you
Because if I do
I fear you'll slip away
Fall right past the words
Slip right through the spaces
Decay right into the pages
I refuse to write a poem about you
Because if I repeat everything that I did
When I loved him
I fear we'll repeat a similar fate
To the one that took him away
I refuse to write a poem about you
Because if these pages
These words
These notes
Learn about you
I fear I'll have to learn
How to forget
Because my poems will consume you
I refuse to write a poem about you
Because if I do
They will hunt you down
Seek you out
Salivate at your taste
And take you away
Once they find you
I refuse to write a poem about you
Because deep down
I cannot lose you
Oct 29, 2025
Oct 29, 2025 at 10:53 PM UTC