regret.
i regret letting you in.
love will always start with illusion.
and i fell in love with
the mirage you displayed.
i told myself that
the person i fell in love with
was still there.
that is why i stuck around
for so long.
for so long i believed that you still loved me
as much as the sun loved the sky.
even when you said you didn’t,
even when your voice didn’t feel like
home.
home was late night conversations.
home was your laugh ringing in my ears.
but what was once the house we loved in,
it is now dominated by ghosts.
it has been 8 months.
i still
regret.
i regret letting you in.
Sep 27, 2019
Sep 27, 2019 at 6:45 AM UTC
i told my therapist about you,
while your lips were still slathered alllll over my body.
i showed her the places we had been,
and all the things we had seen.
i told her what lies underneath that pretty
pretty
skin of yours,
and i told her how i knew.
i spelt out your name as she scribbled it on her cute little clipboard,
i told her about the first night
and the second
and the fourth
and that time in the closet.
i told her everything,
i really just wanted to get
you
out
of my brain,
it didn't matter if saying these things put me in sososo much pain.
because you've moved on so why can't i?
i told my therapist about you,
but i still can't tell you
goodbye.
i know i'm s t u p i d,
for holding on this l
o
n
g,
i know it's useless,
for wishing you weren't gone.
but my words carry on like a heartbeat
s l o w
steady
fast
u s e d
n t a y
i keep keep keep breaking and breaking and breaking and
i told my therapist about you.
Feb 3, 2018
Feb 3, 2018 at 7:55 AM UTC
I felt so happy. I was so excited. Me and Xavier had been invited to a double date with some of our long time no see friends. Liam was bringing his girlfriend, and Carter was tagging along. It was full of kisses and couple pictures, spilled popcorn and fights over cinema seats, murmures whispers to one another asking who the hell had forgotten to boy some water. It was fun. It was really fun. We went bowling after the movie and I was nervous. I had only gone bowling once and I was awful. But I felt confident enough to play. Confident enough to play and massively fail. Note to self: you are awful at bowling. But so did Leah. We were all making jokes, checking who had won in the other lanes, jumping and dancing in those uncomfortable mandatory shoes. I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out. And we got hungry. So we went to eat. To an overly priced pizza restaurant, with neon lights and old rock playing in the background. Carter was screaming for water as Leah and Liam made out in a booth. Xavier and I, we just stared at them in disbelief and apologized to waiters who passed by. The food came. And we ate. We ate like we had never had food before. I wasn't scared to eat in front of them. I wasn't scared to eat. I was so proud of myself. As soon as we finished I went to the bathroom. But on the way there I saw a table looking at me from the corner of my eye. With all my past relationships I didn't want to look directly at them. But an old review makeup mirror did the trick for me. And there I saw them. In a corner table sat a group of about fifteen people. A group of people who made my life impossible back in the day. I saw my ex. My abusive manipulative ex. The ex that started everything: from my self harm to my eating disorder. I saw the girls who made fun of me at school. And I remember the years of bullying I went through. I saw all the girls who abandoned me and turned their backs to me just because someone else came along. A better version of me. One that wasn't scared to go eat out and preferred walking around town to sitting in a living room playing video games. So. I kept walking. I didn't bother looking back. I put on a firm look to try and hide my shaking hands and teary eyes. and I made it back to my table. But Leah, my poor Leah, she couldn't have chosen a better day to start her period. So I went with her. I had to. She needed help. As she sorted herself out I looked proudly at my makeup in the mirror. But then I saw. I saw them moving, walking towards me. All of them coming in at the same time, blocking the door for me to escape. They might have thought I was alone in there. As they looked at me top and down, Leah stormed out of the toilet saying how the boys were waiting for us outside. And so the only thing they were brave enough to do was ask me if the toilet was free. If they could go in. And they said it with such disgust that the only thing that was left to do was for me to laugh. And that's what I did. And with the fear in my veins and blood rushing everywhere I grabbed Leah's hand and left those ******* with the remains of my fake but honest laugh. I would have punched them. I really wanted to. But it's not my place to start hell in a restaurant toilet.
Jan 7, 2018
Jan 7, 2018 at 9:56 AM UTC
I love this. I want this more often. I am sitting outside in a house that isn't even mine. It smells of saltwater and cigarettes. The cat is purring by my feet as I dance and sing along with Breezy. She is smoking. I am drinking. We are both free, doing what we love and what kills us the most. I remember how it all started. Ella, my boyfriend and I drove to the house, so excited, so happy and cheerful. Breezy had set everything up. And as we poured overly priced Malibu in plastic shot glasses we thanked each other for the memories made this year. We talked about how weird it had been meeting each other; drunk, exactly the same as we were in that moment. We took one, two, three drinks of the coconut flavored venom, as we kept going, pouring another glass of that gasoline in my already burning throat. Music was playing. And it was a mess. Indie music, pop, screamo and reggaeton. Trying to take pictures in which our stomachs looked flat, our ***** perky and our butts round. It was hard. But we were too excited to care. We wanted to fit in, to show everyone that yes, we have friends. I remember stepping on the wet floor right as I took off my uncomfortable heels, and left it where the girls had left theirs: thrown around on the floor. We unzipped each other's dresses and started playing silly games. Eating from a stolen box of chocolates as we whispered secrets around an ugly tablecloth. Make up wipes covered in black and sparkles filled the trashcan up, as we complained about the breakouts of our skin and complimented each other just because. We felt stupid. We felt young. We were having so much fun all alone. In the middle of that stupid teenage chaos, I felt loved. And that is how we fell asleep. Me, in the middle of the bed hugging Ella and holding Xavier's hand. Covers and blankets up to our noses, whilst Breezy lied down at the bottom of the bed singing as she scrolled down instagram. That is the last thing I remember before waking up. And I am thankful for having woken up. Because in 2017 I didn't think I would make it. And that morning I just wished I could live long with those people, the people I love.
Jan 7, 2018
Jan 7, 2018 at 9:38 AM UTC
As I look at myself in the mirror
darkness is all I see.
My troubled eyes
look back at me.
Tear stains
all over my cheeks.
The make up I use to hide my imperfections
is now
gone
and so my ugly skin shows.
My hair.
The mess of tangles that sits on my head.
My lips:
chapped,
opened
as I let out another sob.
I can't do this anymore.
My teary eyes drift from my face to my body.
The first thing I notice:
my arms.
Skin so pale I could blend in with a white wall.
Next my stomach and chest.
And along with it,
the scars that have marked my past.
So gross.
So ugly.
So useless.
My legs, my thighs, no gap between them.
Why can't I just be skinny?
Why is it so hard?
Maybe I'll just give up on eating again.
That will make me beautiful, right?
Another cry, another whimper,
another imperfection found.
Another pill.
This will take my pain away.
I just can't seem to be good enough.
Shaky hands hold a razor.
My friend.
My saviour.
My life and my cause of death.
Will I resist today?
Dec 4, 2017
Dec 4, 2017 at 4:10 AM UTC
And even after all the pain
I begged myself not
to give up on love.
Nov 9, 2017
Nov 9, 2017 at 4:16 AM UTC
You have hurt me so many times
so whats that point in coming back?
Every time you hurt me
you always made sure I was
still okay, and I hated that.
You would apologize and apologize
and you wouldn't let me leave
until we were okay.
But this time I knew
it would only happen again.
You insisted on driving me home
the first time you actually saw
that you made me cry.
And you said your sorrys
and compliments the whole
way back and even
the next morning.
I didn't get it because you
and I both know that
you should have just let me go.
But we seemed to both have
a hard time letting each other go.
For two people who are
suppose to be just friends,
we make fires
and everyone around us watches
us go up in flames every single time.
And he's so good at pretending
to care,
so good at it.
He makes me believe him
every single time.
But let me just tell you
this time is different.
Because maybe I'll
be the one to let go.
Nov 9, 2017
Nov 9, 2017 at 4:14 AM UTC
We filled the room with
music that ran through our veins
as we sat on the floor and cried
because of all the people who dug
their claws so far into us
and then ripped them out
so fast
without any warning.
We drank straight from the
bottle of ***** like it was going to
tell us why they left when we got to
the bottom of it.
My best friend ripped all the
pictures she had of him off her
wall and threw them in the garbage.
And i thought to myself
"if only feelings were as easy to
get rid of as ripping pictures
of the people who hurt us off
the walls."
Then i thought to myself how
many times i would have ripped
your picture off the wall
if i had to do it everytime you
hurt me, but also how many times
i would be taping them back up
when you say sorry.
Nov 9, 2017
Nov 9, 2017 at 4:11 AM UTC
i didn’t think of it as a relapse
because i never meant to stop
i just went without for awhile
till i again craved a drop
or more
typical
i thought
for me to act this way
one bit of distress
and it’s on display
even though i don’t mind
if you see it
that is not to say
that i’m proud of these things
i’m just dealing with pain
yet again.
~MN
Nov 9, 2017
Nov 9, 2017 at 4:07 AM UTC