Had I known I'd never hug you again
I would've held on tighter.
Had I known I'd never hear your laugh again
I would've told more jokes.
Had I known I'd never hear your voice again
I wouldn't have hung up.
If only I'd known.
Had I known you'd be leaving
I would've followed you.
Had I known you were lost
I would've found you.
Had I known I'd never see you again
I wouldn't have looked the other way.
If only I'd known.
Had I known , mom.
I could at least say I tried.
Had I known, mother.
I could at least have told you how much I Love You.
But I didn't know
Feb 27, 2015
Feb 27, 2015 at 1:22 PM UTC
He asks me why I cut
Fingers lightly tread the battered remains of my now feeble wrists
A question I've answered a million times in my head
Desperately wanting someone to ask
As if my jumbled thoughts might sound better outside the contents of my skull
My explanation catches in my throat
A conversation a million times rehearsed rings silent
He waits.
It is impossible to explain cutting to someone who has never purposely taken a blade to their own skin
Much like it is impossible to explain the addiction of a heroin addict to someone who has never been high
It is an escape
It is taking back control of a world that spins far too fast for its own good.
And for many it is power,
Feeling so insignificant in this world
A pawn in the hands of fate on any normal occasion can dictate life or death with a razor in their hand.
It makes you feel something when you no longer feel anything
It is a tattoo marking every day you've been too weak to carry on but survived
They are tragically beautiful scars tracing our bodies
That most of us would rather die than give up.
All of these things make no sense to a normal person
But I am so far from normal.
But maybe my silence is enough to make him understand
This taboo isn't worth fretting over.
Feb 27, 2015
Feb 27, 2015 at 12:58 PM UTC
i sorta-kinda
might-possibly
maybe-am
just-almost
hands-down
totally
in love
with you
Jan 30, 2015
Jan 30, 2015 at 12:47 PM UTC
Last night was the first night I felt something in a very long time.
Rusty razor blade in hands I navigated my thoughts - a nightly ritual needed for survival.
Cutting away every problem
A surgeon dissecting myself, removing the worries that have been malignant for so long -
I was dying with them
My hands no longer trembled
One incision after the next, blood doesn't come at first.
Flustered I state until crimson red beads surface slowly and pool over against pale skin.
My thoughts get quieter
I took a deep breath - I could feel the oxygen filling my lungs.
It didn't burn like it had moments before.
It felt like I was surfacing after days underwater
Just one more -
5,6,7
I was losing feeling in my hands
10, 15
In my feet
30
I start to feel dizzy
Red pours out of me
So beautiful
My heart rate so slow
My mind so quiet
So this is what heaven feels like?
Jan 29, 2015
Jan 29, 2015 at 1:16 PM UTC
My body hurts
But you don't care
My head aches
But are you there?
You don't understand
The feel so empty and bland
When will you ever love me
Again...
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 1:22 PM UTC
but i know
that
from the start
i was the one
who
cheated myself
not you
you never
loved me
you never
cheated m
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 1:21 PM UTC
i lied to my heart
that you
secretly loved me
and my heart believed it
all these days
and now
i'm ashamed
of myself
in front of
my heart
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 1:21 PM UTC
I loved your blue eyes that reminded me of the ocean
I loved the way you made me laugh
like no one else could
I loved how no matter where I was
I could think that you were somewhere else missing me
I loved how I used to call your arms home
they made me feel safe
I loved how you had my heart
I loved the feeling of being in love and
feeling love back
now
I'm hating how your blue eyes remind me of the ocean
I don't dare to go there anymore
I don't want to remember you
I hate how you made me laugh because
now no one else can make me laugh as you once did
I hate the fact that I'm sitting here
missing you when you're missing her
I hate how you have my heart
no matter how hard I try to give it to someone else
it always reminds me that it's yours
but most of all
I hate how I still love you
and how you don't even remember
half of the things that I won't forget
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 1:20 PM UTC
Soon the year will be up
and soon you will forget about me
you were so essential in my life
why couldn't you see?
And soon you will be gone
and I will forget the color of your eyes,
the sweet smell of your cologne,
and your cute morning sighs
And soon you'll just be a memory
of our one-sided love affair
please know I loved you,
stay beautiful and take care.
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 1:15 PM UTC