Every time you got better
I would make a mistake
I would think it might last
I would think maybe
Maybe this time it would stick
It was only false hope

Time and time again
The "new you"
Never lasted
In an unexpected instant
You switched back
Just when I thought you changed
False hope

I would rather never hope
Than have my heart crushed every time

"you need a father in your life"
He shouted at me

"Exactly" I say, choking back tears

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
For most
They cause pain and suffering
And for the lucky some
They hold your hand in hard times
Sing to you lullabies
Make your mother happy,
Not the reason she cries
They help you with your homework
And they work hard
They can control their anger
Raise their kid
Be responsible
Be kind
Care
Try
Respect that you are adolescents
And most of all
BE YOUR PARENT

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
I know that some are good
Which I admit
Gives me jealousy

Do you know that feeling(less)
Where you feel all the emotions at once
But yet
Feel none at all

Like you can't cry
But are choking back tears

Like you never want to open your mouth
But you do want to scream

And like you want to curl up and die
But also get out of the house and live?

A blue jay perches
Watches the autumn leaves fall--
And stays there alone

Your parent is waking you up
“Five more minutes!” You plead
And now all you want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep
The warmth of the blanket
The peace that comes with the dark
The calmness of your heart
In bed that very last night, none of this you saw
You saw monsters under your bed
Monsters living in your head
The blanket was too warm
Your pillow covers in tears
Only in the morning do you think this would please
In your head all would be solved
Five minutes and all problems
–****, gone!

There once was a flock of birds
All turquoise with yellow beaks
Flying together
In a V

They like to decide things
Like how to sing
how to flap your wings

Sometimes this flock
Makes some mistakes though
Like saying the only way to soar
Is throughout sideways flying
Even when some can't do it

Some birds try
And they fall

And now they're on the ground
Feeling alone and scared
Afraid they'll fly back up wrong
To get back in the V

The lucky ones
Find others who fell
And let the ones who want to fly upside down
The ones who fly straight
Backwards
Or even walk with their legs on thin air
Do their thing

They soar up
And they fly free
Together
In their own way

"Forgive and forget"
They say

But I will not forget
Not because I want to remember
But because otherwise
I would get hurt over and over again
Like a moth going to a lamp
Bumping into it expecting the sun
But only being greeted
with a hard slap of glass
Over and over again

"Forgive and forget"
They say

I will try to forgive
Not because what was done was forgiveable
But because otherwise
The hurt and anger would be like rocks I had to carry in my heart constantly
I didn't even have a bag
My arms got tired
And sometimes they would all fall

"Forgive and forget"
They say

They don't understand

Dear, if you are cold
I will knit you a sweater
From every strand of my heart

Dear, if you are scared
I will knit another one for the monsters in your head
And together we'll hope
That the warmth will help to make the wounds hurt a little less for them
So they won't have to squeeze as hard
And they can just gently hold your hand

And then maybe
We can all hold hands together
Watch the world
And do nothing but be alive

My dear friend, if you feel like you're poetry
And the world doesn't even know their letters
I will write a book with you
From the pages of soul

Dear, if you feel alone
I'll show you that book
So you'll finally know

Will you knit a sweater for my monsters?

For the next two days
I'll be off and away
In the middle of nowhere
Where no one wants to be

For the next two days
I'll have no electronics
And that means no phone
And that means, I won't be on here

For the next two days
I hope you all can forgive me
For I will be forced to take a break

I found my old diary
And some letters I made to my future self years ago in it
I cried
I wish I could hug her
And thank her
I'll be doing this every year

I thought I'd never do it
That I was the only one in the universe like me
By I think I've finally found my tribe
And I think I've finally found my reason to keep going

You think that you are happy by yourself
Until you make wonderful friends
Then you can't stand to be alone again
But to make those friends
Is the tricky part
And it can be a lot more than tricky
So best of luck
I believe you will figure it out in the end

When I go to the airport
I always wear a funny shirt
Because waiting in line is so dull
And I want to make someone smile
Maybe get a laugh
Maybe make a friend
Maybe make a day

I want to know what I'm in for

Calling because you want to **** yourself and are in a terrible mood
Or
Calling because you are in a good mood and want to make my day hard?

Did you get me giant toaster that I don't want
Or
Or is there a favor you need?

When is ask you how you are
Will you get mad at me for asking
Or
Will you answer "Good"
Either way
You won't ask back
Because you don't care

All I wish
Is that it won't be a gamble
Anymore

Good or bad
I don't care

And after years of abuse
I'm still the one ending up feeling guilty
And wondering if he was right
And this was all just in my head

Today
I am going back home
After a month
Of being on road
I really don't want to go
At home I feel so alone
Waiting for me is my nearly empty house
The hundreds of people I see daily that I don't care for
Don't talk to
Make me feel as small as a mouse
Waiting for me is my toddler of father
And the endless hours of work
All of the peace in my mind
Lit up by a torch
Waiting for me are the sleepless nights
Oh how ill miss performing and the people I met
The kindness that often cannot be found in my town in America
I don't want to go home

We laughed
Until we couldn't breathe
Not even knowing
What in the world
Was so funny
It was wonderful

Good night dear stranger
I hope you manage to close your eyes
And your mind won't start it's terrifying show and tell

Good night dear stranger
I hope you can take a breathe
And breathe in the air from a place you feel safe
And breathe out all of the memories from times you weren't

Good night dear stranger
I hope the darkness doesn't resemble your mind
And that your thoughts about yourself are kind

Good night dear stranger
I hope you dream sweet dreams
And that you wake up
Still feeling that peace
And not like you're in a living nightmare

It's crazy to me
How one day
You can go to a crate
Say "this one"
And you'll have 15 years
Of joy
Just like that

Pure happiness
In a being







Until one day





















They die

I know I am lucky though
To have something so great
That I would grieve for

I called them "grown ups"
Until I was old enough to realize
That some of them didn't grow up

From my experience
Mostly for bad
But sometimes for good

I refuse to laugh
Just because that's what they do
I'll just observe leaves

The halls swallow me
Luckily I don't notice
Thanks to my music

I always knew
That he wasn't really normal
I mean Penny’s dad never yelled
Or cried
Or switched all the time
But I didn't really obsess over it
Until I was around eight-maybe nine
Memories of the day
And the sound of his sobbing passing through the thin walls
Kept me awake

I did what they warn us not to do
I took my phone
And Googled
His problems
His symptoms
The things that I had to suffer from

There were too many questions
I needed answers
I needed solutions

Here, ruining each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of his hand
Nobody can, deny that he's not okay

There, manipulating all that he can
Both of us thinking how the other one's crazy
Someone has to be
But he doesn't know what he's doing

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always believing that he is the victim
Getting hurt all the time
And hoping I'll always be there

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always getting defensive over every little thing
Except for his mistakes
Hoping I'll stay right there

And it makes me sad to say
I see him there, and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

Hope sure is a heartbreaker
A beautiful creature, with her eyes of gold and daisies in her hair
Holding your life's happiness in the palm of her hand
Just out of reach
Saying "your almost there!"
Even though she runs away from you as you run to her
(In her graceful run)
And when your getting there
She throws them
In an endless pit
They are swallowed whole

She said she wouldn't do that
She promised she'd give them to you
She said those dreams would come soon
And that shed never betray you
She lied

She left you there
Heartbroken
To sob
And wonder why

In my head
I have this mantra
For anytime I feel uncomfortable
Or sad
Or just plain bad

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home

The saddest part
Is that I say it in my own house

How can a world of
Hugging good books
Walking and listening to music
Dancing in the rain
Collecting shells at the beach and leaves in autumn
Helping someone get through an anxiety attack
Just smiling when there's nothing to say

Also have

Crying yourself to sleep at night
Sitting alone at lunch
Parents who aren't supportive of who their kids are
Parents that mentally insane and not good to be around
Ones that aren't even there
Homelessness
poverty
And war

Trying to figure out
How people
Are underlining
Bolding
And putting italics
On here
My Google search
Has done me no good

How dare I let myself feel sad?

Have you every heard the someone say
"Someone always has it worse"?
They're trying to help you, but it always ends up making me feel terrible
If someone else has it so bad
My problems just seem silly
So how dare I feel sad?

If I'm mad that my dad is crazy
Someone's dad is dead

If school is stressful and I'm freaking out
Some don't get to go because they are working to be able to buy clothes

If I am crying because I can't stop picking my thumb and it hurts
Some people lost their hand in traumatic ways

If I got in to a fight with my mom
Some people would do anything just to see there's again

Someone always has it worse
And that thought is anything but comforting
Now I feel bad for feeling sad

Step one:
Roll up your sleeves so they won't get wet because of you

Step two:
Wash your hands

I don't know how it will be
I fear it will be hard for me
I know it's anxiety filling to act socially

Thinking of topics for conversation
For small talk is exhausting
What to do?
How to act?
How open to be?
I fear that those nights
Will be ones without sleep

I want an idea
Of the way things will work
I find it hard to picture

Its been months
And I know I was so vulnerable
When she last saw me
The places we were
Brought back such terrible, terrible, memories

I want to be lighter
And more fun to be around

This time I plan to eat
And maybe hide my hands a bit more
But it's hard
When you have to play trumpet with them
And she's observant
I'm not used to that either

I want to hug my younger self
And I also know I will when I'm older
So I hug myself now
And say it's from the future

Having trouble finding the
Umbrella to stop the sorrow from flooding
Me constantly; luckily once in
Awhile, I look up and it's
Not raining anymore

My head hurts when I move
My brain hurts when I talk
And my heart hurts when I trust you

I cry
For fake characters in movies

I dream
Things that could never come true

I lie
To myself

I walk
To places only on the map of my mind

I jump
Into an invisible hole

And I miss
Things and people, when they're alive

I am quiet
But my thoughts are loud

I am untrusting
But I trust you too much

I am choking back tears on the inside
But I'm smiling on the outside

I wonder what's wrong with my mind
Way too often

I'm the rain
I don't hurt anyone
I just exist and try to be as genuine and gentle as I can
I try to grow flowers
But they stay inside

As I pour over the town
I squint into one backyard
Where someone is dancing in the thing they are avoiding

I want them to love me even when I'm preventing the sun from going in their eyes
I want them to love me when I wasn't holding back
When I let myself be
Like they were
When they were spinning and jumping

I am rain
I am the tear of the cloud
I am everywhere
And I've seen so much
But I guess I still don't know where to fall

I am rain
And I want to be loved too
Which is why I smile when they keep their umbrella closed
And step outside
And get covered with authenticity

I am rajn

My mom smiles
But I see the tears in her eyes
I can feel that shes willing the tears away

She tries to keep strong
Because she's the only one who does that for me
But I can handle it now
So I say
"It's okay
You don't always have to be fine
Or strong
I can be strong for you now
So let go"

And with a blink
The tears roll down her cheeks

"I love you"
I say
As I give her a hug

I feel her pain in that embrace
I want to take it away

Sometimes I forget
How much she's been through too

I can't do brain
I can't do thoughts
I can't do friends
And I can't do smoking in parking lots

I can't do death
But I also can't do living

I can't do anything
Except for just giving
And giving

I can't sleep
Could it just be that I needed to weep?
I've tried that
It should have worked

I can't sleep
Could it be that I needed to eat?
Ill throw up if I do that
That won't work

I can't sleep
Could it just be that my body hates me?
It won't let me sleep
What can I do to let my mind make it work?

I can't sleep
Could it just be that too much is worrying me?
I can't let myself think that
Others have it worse

I can't sleep
Could it be that I need to run?
I miss the moments of day where I can, but don't
I know there's no way that could work now

I can't sleep
The day will take me
Swallow me whole
Please let it be kind

I can't sleep
I can't even ryme
Let the day give me peace of mind
Please let it work so I won't appear to be blind

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think they need to be dead
To cause fear
And horror stories

They can make things happen
That should never happen
And make people see things
That they shouldn't see
Even when they're breathing
And their heart is pumping their cold blood

I do believe in ghosts
But they don't haunt houses
They haunt minds

They screech open the doors
To anxiety and panic
Making a terrible noise
In my heart

You feel as if they're in the halls of your very being
Watching you
Maybe even controlling you
Whispering loud enough
So that only you can hear

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think that they can walk through walls
Because people right next door
Have never seen the same ghost that haunts me
They can only hear
Pleas
And screams
When it jumps at me

I do believe in ghosts
Because I have one
That haunts me

I would give him a piece of my mind
Scream
Tell him how every single problem I have is his fault
But even then
He wouldn't get it

He'd say I'm crazy
That I'm young
That my mom got in my head
When she's the one who says not to argue
He doesn't understand that I still have feelings
And opinions
And that they come from me

He sends me a message
I want to respond
"*******"
I even typed it out
But don't send it

He would go insane
And my mom would suffer from that
So I just say
"Okay"

Bite my tongue
Be grateful it's not worse
Take the manipulations
But make sure to record it for later
So I can recognize them

I might love him
To some extent
He is my father after all
But I can't remember a time
When I had liked him
As a parent
Or a person

I don't say any of it

What if I'm crazy too
What if I'm like him
And because of that
I don't realize I am

I mean
I know the tendency is genetic
And when you're sick
You don't even know it

He is a part of me
Either way
I had no choice
I was born that way

When I look in the mirror I see his eyes
And his nose
And his hair
I glare at them
A reminder that I'm stuck with him
no matter what I do he'll always be there

It makes me hate myself
When look and I see him in me

I don't want to look like him
I never want to make anyone feel the way he did to me
I don't want to be crazy and see the world blurry
I won't even know it if I am
Which is scary
Please don't also let me be crazy

My therapist told me
That you said
You wanted to be friends

She didn't understand how messed up that was

I don't want to be his friend
I don't need my father as a friend
I need him as a parent
And a good one at that

You choose your friends
I don't choose you

You're forced to be someone's child
Like I was to you
Except you want to be my friend
I don't want you

My mom had an escape
She divorced him
And even then
It took her a child
And 25 years

I'm stuck
He's in my bones
There's nothing I can do
Except choose not to be friends with him

I want to be his daughter
And for that he has to be my dad
Thats on him

Step one:
Be an adult

*Failed

Do you ever feel
Like you're a bug?

I mean
Think about it
They get punished
For just existing
And in the world we live in
We are born in to this madness
With the only escape
Being death

Bugs come in all different shapes and sizes
Still bugs nonetheless
But when we see an ant just minding it's business
We step on it
And when we see a butterfly
we take a picture

Bugs get squashed
By people

People get squashed
By people

Do you see what I mean?