Too many things to get done
They overflow my brain
Made me feel like I need to punch something
And walk
Walk far far away

I tell my mother
And plead
I know it's late
But I need this for me

She says
"Max four blocks"

I seem to teleport outside
It couldn't take a shorter amount of time for me to leave

I walk
Blast my music
And I take off my jacket
Even though it's cold
Even though it makes me shiver
I need to feel something
Even if that's all it is


Music intensifies
I want to run
And I'm done holding back
Acting normal
Acting calm
So I run
As fast as I can
Hands in the air
With the occasional spin

What a powerful feeling
The night is mine
The sky is on my side
And I can run

I smile
The most genuine smile
In weeks
Maybe months
While I cry

I
Feel
Alive

For the first time
In what feels like forever

Friendless and strange
Hoping for change

Why can't I be like them?
It shouldn't be so hard
For them it comes naturally

Laughing
Hugging
Talking all day

I just watch with envy
Wishing I could be this way

If only everyone
Was a little bit more
Like my cat

Because he sees someone crying
And sits with them to comfort

When I arrive home
He comes to welcome me

No matter how many times
We kick him off the dinner table
He always comes back trying to take
What he believes he deserves
And he eventually he succeeds

He loves
Unconditionally

he's there
Always

And he's absolutely bonkers
But he doesn't care

I wonder
If she'll believe him
And all of his lies
Saying he's done nothing wrong
And loved me so
He wants “ to get close”

If she believes him
I'll seem like the criminal
And he’ll seem like the victim to my crime

If she believes him
I'll look like a liar

Why did he need to meet her alone?
I don't understand

Lies
Lies
Lies
But so convincing still

It's like a remix of a song
That takes you a moment to recognize
Because the melody is different

It's my word against his
But I’m younger than him

I wish to never see her again
But I'll see her today

Honestly
I would rather stay in bed
I have other better ways
To do therapy

Other ways
That don't have an unhelpful opinions

Other ways
That can't believe his lies

And other ways
That help me
Instead of stress me
And can keep me sane
(Most of the time)

I wonder
What would happen
If people I knew saw my work

I think
My friends
Would be shocked
At what goes on in my head

And that my mom would cry
Both proud and sad

And my dad would either **** himself
Because he hates himself even more now
Deny and call me crazy
Or get mad

Sometimes I debate
Whether or not to show people

Sometimes
For the less personal poems
I show my mom
And she says
How I can try to publish them

Though I know they're not good enough
And that they might never be
Sometimes I wonder
What would happen
If I did
And they would read them

I hope that they won't
Completely change their opinion of me
That I've so carefully sculpted
And made sure was okay

The book probably called
"Silent Screams"
Wouldn't be so silent anymore

I asked
I spoke
I cried
I got help

I guess not everyone ***** after all

My picked thumbs
Bleeding
In such throbbing pain
But I'm sorry I missed a detail in your funny story
When you wanted to speak
Anyhow
You didn't notice

I hate the sunset tonight
it shines for the children
for the heroes in all of their might
for the kitten who stares out the window
and for the young lady who cries every night

I hate the sunset tonight because it shines that very same bright for the angry man who does terrible things out of spite
the same bright for ruiners of people's lives
for the person who makes that young lady cry
for the people who believe that some don't deserve rights

I hate it because not everyone deserves to see that light yet it shines just as bright

I hate the sunset tonight
it shines for the children
for the heroes in all of their might
for the kitten who stares out the window
and for the young lady who cries every night

I hate the sunset tonight because it shines that very same bright for the angry man who does terrible things out of spite
the same bright for ruiners of people's lives
for the person who makes that young lady cry
for the people who believe that some don't deserve rights

I hate it because not everyone deserves to see that light yet it shines just as bright

I am a master
Of avoiding arguments
As for the entirety of my existence
Looking at you wrong
Could mean a tantrum
Making a helpful suggestion
Could make you shout at me
And asking you
"What's up?"
Could mean a suffering two day tragedy

It's best to keep my head down
But not for too long
Because that might make them mad too

I might see something scary
And not know which way to turn
And tomorrow may rain
So today
I'll just follow the sun

No one listened to her
When it was her turn to talk
So I look her in the eyes and say
"I'm listening"
And I wasn't kidding

I love seeing the sunrise every morning in the car on my way to school
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my sadness

Despite me not wanting to rise myself
The sun rises each morning
And each morning it is beautiful
No matter what

I love seeing the sunset every night in my backyard
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my anger
Even though I sometimes want to shatter into tiny pieces
It still provides a beautiful and whole view

It sets despite how jealous I might be
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my jealousy

I love the sun

I love
When I make people laugh
And when they feel comfortable enough to cry
To share theirs thoughts out loud
So I can too can be mad
And express how much I don't want them to die

I tell myself I can do it
I can be without friends
But I can't
And I might have figured out why

I'm human

Every day at lunch
I get the same thing
It's the most edible thing they have

I grab it
And go to pay

I say hi to the lunch lady
And ask her how is her day
She says good
She asks me
I say good
(Even though I’m not really)

I punch in my number
Smile at her
She says I’m “good to go”
I say thank you
And she says you're welcome and
You're a very sweet and kind girl
I said thank you
And left

It saddened me
That I was probably the nicest to her
That they all just made a mess
Yelled
Didn't even look up at her after taking their food
Not even a smile
Or a polite thank you

I respect these people
Maybe more than my teachers honestly
They have really hard jobs
Dealing with kids
And I know they barely make any money

Who ever said
That when they grew up
They wanted to be a lunch lady?
I wonder what went wrong
It hope they're okay
So what if they're like 50 years older than me
I think I'm friends with my lunch lady
I think more people should be

At least I know she smiles at least once a day

I want to be skinned alive
Until I'm just a floating soul
bouncing around in the air
I want it all gone
The scars remind me
I'm not nearly enough strong

Loud thoughts spread
Like a virus in my mind
Spreading
Spreading
To every shred of my being
Telling me I deserve to bleed
I deserve to die
What the **** is wrong with me
Why
Why
Why

"A rising star" said the certificate of honor
I guess they were right
Stars are meant to burn
Until they explode
After all

And maybe I'm just being dramatic
Like my dad always said
Maybe it is just in my head

I know others have it worse than me
I know I can be quite annoying
Quite needy
I just love so deeply
Everything I do
Is done that way
It reminds me of when I had the knife
The blood pouring signed that I had done that deeply too
In a drawer in my bedroom is a bloodstained cloth that screams the same thing
So loudly

I'm not usually loud
I'm the kid so doesn't talk that much at school
The one who just takes the rage out in the form of doodles on the back of papers with dull pencils during class
And with sharp objects at night

"They aren't answering, they hate you"
"You're not talking enough"
"You're talking too much"
"They're definitely mad at you"
My head monster, Fred, shouts
So loud
So loud
So loud
I hate loud
I hate me

I try to reason with him
Tell him everything he's thinking is a lie
But despite it he just continues
"Die
Die
Die"

And so I hold the razor
"Bleed
Bleed
Bleed"
He continues

And I wish I knew
What I did
To deserve this

She said in the video
"I know you'll go through with it
Because that way
When you look at this video in the future
you can say that at the very least"

"I'm sorry"
I respond

It wasn't fun anymore
Just hard
It was no longer my dream

I didn't stay on the travel team

I'm sorry
Dear child

I'm sorry
I couldn't breathe
Anymore

"I didn't keep going with it"
My heart hurts saying that to her
Looking in her eyes
Makes me want to cry

"I'm sorry"

I constantly need to check myself
Make sure I'm not turning in to him
I need to be more self aware
Then he'll ever be

I never want to make anyone feel
Anything close to the way he did to me

Why can't I seem to enjoy things?
Why is my stupid brain always getting in the way?
I need it to shut up for once
Please
Please
Give me a break

Stop freaking out
These are just people
You are like them
Except not normal
I say to myself

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I repeat
Over
And over
I can't stop

I say it
Standing in my own house
On what are now my floors

Why does everything have to stress me out?
Why can't I just live?
It isn't that big of a deal

Mind filling
Flooding
Often for just living

Hatred at self
For picking
picking
My skin
And causing my own pain

I need a break from my head
It seems to hate me

Go away

IwishIcouldhugthemallofthepeoplewhoeverhadtofeelthisawfulawfulfee­lingoflonelinessandunwillingnesstomoveortalkoropentheireyes Iwanttotellthemthatit'sokaythey'reokaythey'renotalonetheyaren'tth­eonlypersonhavingapanicattackinthebathroomtheyweren'tthe onlyoneswhofeelthisbadandIwanttoheartheir storiesandIwantthemtohearmineIwishwecouldallgotoafarawaylandawayf­arfromtheruinersoflivesandthethingsthatmakeyouwanttocommitsuicide­Iwanttotellthemthey'renottheonlyoneswhofeelthekeyboardintheirmind­isglitchingmakingnopunctuationorspaceforabreakfromthought

Airports are so interesting
Everyone is going somewhere

But some are going to funerals
Some baby showers

Some to visit their families for a couple days
And some forever

Some waiting for them is only their dog
Some a whole big family just waiting to give them a hug

Some get picked up or dropped off by strangers
Because they have no family left

Some get picked up by their parents
Which some love a lot
Or love less

Probably
Someone will die in their trip

Probably
Someone will have their baby
And maybe they'll be good parents
Or maybe not

Is it just me,
that finds this fascinating?

I come at unexpected moments
I bring fear and anxiety
I whisper morbid thoughts about your family and society

My favorite times are 3 am and always
My favorite topics are death and pain
I like to make sure that you scream silently in vain

I take you out of reality
Launch you in to space
I planet for the people you may ****
And a star for the ones you won't save

Short and quick
I can ruin your day in the snap of my finger
The what if’s taking over your brain and I promise they will linger

I also serve a purpose which I admit a often fail
To protect from the things that can put you in jail
I know it makes you crazy and so I'm sorry to say
That 's the only thing I know and I'll do it until the end of always.

I could like whatever I wanted to like

My dad got upset as he always did
Usually something unpleasant for me
Until I decided that it was simply funny
And that I got a kick out of it
And though this was not true
It helped a bit


It was raining and I was walking home from school
Soaked and miserable
Until I decided I liked to walk in the rain
And the rest of the walk went by
---no pain!


I had tripped and fell
Bleeding and trying not to cry
Until I decided that people just decided that pain was a bad thing
So I told myself that I enjoyed it
And it helped a bit

Focus harder!
If I could I-
Try harder!
If I could I-
Start talking to people more!
If I could I-
Stop crying!
If I could I-
Stop doing that!
If I could I-
Be more productive!
If I could I-
Stop picking your skin
I really wish I could but-

I've known him forever
I hate to be reminded of things that he did
And said

I hate when my head
Compares
Contrasts
Remembers him

But the problem is
I see him in everything
For he is my father

When I do things
I hear him
With his opinions
Manipulations
And I want to please him

I feel him watching me
Judging
Listening
It makes me angry

He is in my blood
My bones
No matter what I do

He's in my memories
My hometown
My mind

He haunts me all the time

He thinks I should want to see him
That being my father is enough
I let him down easy
I'm too scared to be tough
He might go crazy

Let me ask you a question:

If a room is dark
And you turn on a light
Is the room still dark?

Everyone I ask
Tells me it's now light
But they're assuming
That lightness
Overweighs the darkness

What if the darkness
Is just too strong?
What if the light
Is too dim?
A nightlight of sorts
In a big forest

Or maybe
Both answers are right
And it just depends where you draw the line

He’d call me into the bathroom
Pinch my arm
Or find cut on my skin
And rub alcohol on it
“Doesn’t that feel good, Liana?”
He’d say

I knew I only had one option
And that was to say yes

I don't like things to end

Today I met up with some friends
We had a good time
Playing board games and laughing
It was fun
And soon
It was over
It would be another week
Until I'd see them again
But in the meantime
I'd feel like I had no friends
So I left their house
With a heavy heart
Going back in time to when I was a little girl
Begging my mother in tears
"Just five more minutes, please!"
But now I just had to deal
It was over
And that was it
Sadness eating me
I wished I enjoyed it more when it happened

At the store
When I tried on clothes
I felt like I wanted to cry
Not because I really was ugly
(Just a moment ago I was told I was beautiful)
But because
The mirror I looked at
And the lights surrounding it
Made me think that way

You're not ugly
Your mirror is tricking you

You're not stupid
You're a beautiful bird asked to swim in a swamp

You're not unlovable
The people around you are just toxic and don't know how good you are

I want to cry
sob
And scream

But I'll have to wait until morning
To do those things
Because people can hear me now

I want a kind person to see me struggling
Not by me showing them
But by simply observing
And care
And ask if they can help
Sometimes they can
And sometimes they can't
But that itself
Is enough for my heart

I have the urge to be one of the poetic person the universe has seen;
To show up to somebody's house unannounced with their favorite flowers and poems and chocolates so we can kiss in the rain and so we can talk about the very fact that despite the odds being against us, we both live in the same world at the same time

I want to send long handwritten letters
Ask what their love language is
Hold everyone's hand
And make sure everyone knows that my shoulder is theirs to lean on

I want to walk up a stranger who looks like someone Id want to be friends with
And ask to be penpals

I want to send people every song that reminds me of them
And write them poems about the conversations we had

I want to write all over bathroom stalls
To make every person feel so so loved
And ever so precious

Why is that so strange in our modern day world?

I cannot seem to be able
To unwrap the vines of pain from me
After all
It's in my name

I would do anything
Give anything
To make this bad
Heavy feeling
Be lifted

I would call a plane
And a crane
To get it off my heart
If that's what it takes

I want to feel better already

The time is moving too slow
And too fast
All at once
Who is messing with the clock?
Is it a monster living in the walls
Or is it living in my head?

The vines get tighter
The more I want them to loosen

Are they the problem
Or is it me?
What's the difference
I can't see

It doesn't matter
Get them off of me

I want to feel better already

Bad feeling
Creeping up on me
I want to escape
But it's taking me

Unexpected
Kind of like a sharp pain
Except with depression

I looked in to meds
I think I need them
When can I receive them?
I want to feel better already

Why don't I have friends?
Why is all I could do on a Saturday
Sit there
With my cat
And waste my time in some way or another?

When the distraction takes a break
Anxiety
Depression
They grab me
Pull me

"No, let me go!"
I shout

It doesn't
Ruthless and red eyed
They have taken me away

They have suddenly grabbed any pleasant feeling
And crumbled it before me

"No!"
I sob

I want to feel better already

Up in the attic
With my paints
And my rage
I was the canvas
Filled with color

Splats of red
I needed to
How else could I symbolize you?

Blue and orange
And purple and green
All trying you make sense of me

Little hints of yellow
For even then
When I could forget
I could experience momentary joy

I was that canvas
Because yes,
My head is overwhelming
And crazy
And angry
But it can also be beautiful

I was that canvas,
Abstract
And messy
Which some say isn't even art
And some say is wonderful

I was was that canvas

But wait
...
Wasn't I also the painter?

When things get to be to much
I change my perspective
I am no longer there
In the place
Or with the people causing me stress

Im simply observing
For my own pleasure
In some way
Like I have the controller
To a video game
I am always playing
But I'm not in

Somewhere over the rainbow
There's peace
I just need to find someone
Any kind person
To take the journey with me

What if
Everyone in the world
Screamed when they needed to?

What if
That was just the normal
And accepted
Thing to do?

Take a deep breath
And just exist bro
Thats all you need to do

Like a cat
Staring out the window
Just being
It just is
Lying there in the sun;
Just living
Not caring about doing ****

All you need to do in life
Is live
Just keep living
Keep on floating
Just keep swimming in life
I mean dory was on to something

We just need to be
I am not a human doer
I am a human being after all

We don't always have to be doing something
We don't always need to be filling our mind to the brim
It just makes a storm inside
Makes you feel tense
All the time

That's why we scroll
Why we are so hungry for entertainment
It empties our mind
But what if we could just train ourselves
To achieve that anyways
By just sitting by a river
Or by your dog

When you realize that you can just be
You can just exist
You start to do things because you want to
And not because you need to
Those everyday things that you do
That you felt like you needed to do
You are now doing because you want to

And you FEEL the difference
In your whole soul
And it changes everything
It's peaceful

You are no longer pushing back
Tiring yourself going against everything
Because you need to be doing SOMETHING
Just exist bro

Be like a cat

I see a girl at the party
She's just sitting there alone
Staring into nothing
So I feel the intense urge to go up
And ask her
"Are you okay?"
To which she responds
"Yeah, this is just me"

I go back
And start dancing again
Waving my hands the way everyone else does
But I know it's not me

I dance alone
In the shower, in my bedroom or in my backyard in the rain
While listening to old music
And genuinely smiling

So cautious
To make me feel comfortable
Make me feel at ease

In a way it is great
I do think she understands me
Even when all there is to understand
Is just from watching me be

In a way it makes things worse as well
For she sees right though me
Gives me choices
I don't know what to do with those
I'm not used to choosing for me

It's all with care
And I don't think I've ever
Received such great amounts
From any friend
Or maybe anybody

Yes
Hugs are sometimes awkward for me
But I still can enjoy them
If with someone gentle
Who is not doing this
To make me feel worse
Instead of better

It was okay to hug her
Actually
It was nice
This is not something that usually happens

Care
Kindness
...
It's strange for me
I don't know how to act
I wasn't as light and funny
As I hoped to be

She was still
Trying to figure me out
Making me wonder if
The mask I thought I choose perfectly
Was actually transparent
And had misplaced Googly eyes

And for the first time ever
When I went to be alone for a second
Someone came to look for me
And asked me if I was okay

She's so careful
I want her to be comfortable
I don't want her to feel like
Or rather
Know
That I can't be calm and normal

I want to thank her
I really do
But speaking words
Is a difficult task
Especially when they mean something

I may not know
What will happen to tomorrow
But I know
That someone is laughing now
That someone is sobbing now
And that I wish I could do either

I may not know
What to say always
But I know
That I was once younger
And that every second I am getting older

I may not know
If I'll die tomorrow
But I know
That someone will live

I may not know
Who will cry tomorrow
But I am certain
That someone will
And I hope
That the love I send them
That they don't know I'm sending them
Will go through

I may not know if they feel it
But I know that I hope the impossible things
I send strangers
Will go through
And I know
And that when I remember
I'll take it from the stranger who doesn't know that I know
Just in case

Language was created
So we could better understand eachother

And 5,500 years later
thats what we're still trying to do

I feel betrayed
I thought we were a group
We would stick together
Forever
And we would see eachother every week
As long as we wanted to
How dare you leave
I didn't agree
I feel betrayed
I heard it from my mother
You didn't even bother to tell me

I feel less than
For I am a number
Or maybe an object
For seven hours a day

I feel less than
For I am different
And you are under people
If you aren't the same

I feel less than
Because I can't make my own decisions
And the people who do
Don't understand what it's like
To be in my head

I feel less than
For even my own haunted mind
Seems to rule over me