The noise
Overwhelming
The mind
Racing
The anxiety
Coursing
The calm
Sinking
The food
Inedible
The people
Loud
The loneliness
Skyrocketing

Cafeteria

Don't cry
Just breathe
In----out
Relax
Everything's okay
So what if you don't sleep?
You'll be okay
You've done it before
Just don't cry
Don't run
And only scream silently
Because no one has to know

Life is like candy
You first must open the wrapper
Then get the sweets inside
And when it's all over
All the different layers and phases
You die
Most people get stuck on step 1
And unfortunately then skip to 3
But to get number two
You have to be more than lucky

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

Cars
Are
Where
All
The
Bad
Things
Are
Brought
To
Light

Always
So­mething
Life-changing
To say

Always
End
Up
Crying

I
Fear
Stepping
Into
Cars
Now

I
Can't­
Leave
Them

Lying on the bed
My friend sound asleep on the other side
And her cat that runs away from family comes
And lays next to me
Rubbing against me
Asking me to pet her

It makes me feel okay
It makes me feel home

Everything
Is at least
A little bit better

I'm telling you
Cats always know

People are so strange

I was messaging one person on here
About some struggles that we both face
It was a pleasant, polite conversation
Very normal if you ask me

He asked me questions
And I answered and asks ones back
Normally

The thing that was weird
Was that when I said my age
(Honestly)
And he saw I was a child
He just said
"Bye bye"

That's okay with me
I don't talk to people who don't want to talk to me
I just didn't know children and adults couldn't have conversations
Oh well
Thanks for educating me

I felt like nothing was changing
Day after day
Of school
Sadness
Anxiety

Then I look up at the clouds
I looked at them for a while
And I saw that they were moving

Please
Take me with you
At least for a ride..

Even though
The ground is covered in snow
I know if you dig a little deeper
You'll find it to be warm

I would prefer
That he would seem completely
Bad

But I got a really confusing mix
That makes me head go crazy

He knows how to manipulate
Without seeming manipulative

Word things
So that you can't say no

And tell you untrue statements
Until you feel you don't even know what you know

But he does it in a way
That looks ever so innocent

He does it in a way that looks as if
he's in the right
Like the victim to an unheard of crime

It confuses me
And though I know he's wrong
And that he lies
It messes up my mind
All the time

I would prefer
That he would look completely
Bad
Than whatever this is

It means almost nothing to me when it is said someone loves my curly hair
It means almost nothing to me when people say they love my green eyes or anything else


The best compliment I have ever received is
"Liana, you're so weird, but in the very best way!"

I remember a teacher telling my mother
That I was
"One sweet cookie"
And she was right

My father was the scorching tea

He grabbed from my comfortable bag
Loved me in his
"Unique way"
Left me soft
Feeling like it was finally olay
Then
Took a big bite
With his ***** mouth
And broke me

And after all of that
He thinks he can just buy a new pack

How wrong
Can he be...

I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

I know little me would have been confused because I thought big kids don't cry
Only daddy did
Every night
Even then I knew he wasn't big
I guess


I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

She doesn't know how to help me
I relate to that honestly


I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

She's sad that she's sees herself in me
I don't know why
Why
Why

To return home
Alone in your bedroom
Where no one can see you
And to finally let yourself cry
Screaming silently into the night

She is a dog.                   She is my sister
Your half sister.             We share our trauma
She bites.                        She was neglected
She barks.                       It’s not her fault
She’s dangerous.           Her owner is dangerous
I hate her.                        I love her
She pees on my bed.     My dad locks her in my old room
We are so different.        We are so similar
So far apart.                     So very connected

I woke up in the morning wanting to pick dandelions from my backyard
so I got up from bed
Went outside
Sat down on the hot pavement
And inspected one

To me it was a beautiful flower
But it was crazy that they are usually considered weeds just because they decided that they weren't wanted
I wanted that dandelion though
so I picked it
I smelt it
Appreciated it
And sat there in silence
Listening to nothing but the birds in the sky chirping to one another

I started to feel bad for the dandelions too;
Not because I picked them out of the ground but because nobody else wanted to
I felt bad that everybody else decided as a society that they were weeds and that they should be thrown out and not admired

I look at a planted flower and I realize that it is no more beautiful
It didn't smell better
And that I didn't want it more

I put the dandelion I picked in water,
And put them in my room

I'm gonna look for the dandelion-like "weeds" in my school now

Thank you dandelion for everything you've taught me

My bedroom is dark


Like the place my mind takes me to when I wonder off

Thank you darkness,
For you have made it possible
To see the stars and moon
In the sky

Thank you darkness,
For without you
I would not have been able
To imagine the light
at the end of the tunnel
And so,
I would have no reason to keep walking towards it

Thank you darkness,
For you keep everyone
"In the dark"
And I wouldn't have it any other way
Because if we knew the future
There would be no point in having it

I fear you
Everyday
Every moment
You're a silent scream
always taunting me
You're unpredictable
Will I see tomorrow?
Will they see a tomorrow?
Why am I still in bed worrying
When there's a whole world?
I fear the last times
The last times I don’t even know are last times
My head takes me to places no one wants to go
You take them away from us
Anyone has the power to use you
We have to trust each other
But not too much
to avoid you

Dear death,
How dare you?

A pink promise
That you won't read
my heart and soul just yet

These poems are the sewer for the flood of terrible thoughts constantly raining down on my mind

Please understand
...
That this is where you stop reading Mai

Read everyone else's though,
This website saved me
And I could not recommend it more
(Seriously)

Dear seven year old,
Yes, there is a monster
But it’s not under your bed

The monster is in your head
But maybe it’s not even a monster
Maybe it’s just buried pain
Because they told you not to cry

Dear seven year old,
Yes, you should keep crying
Otherwise the tears will build up and flood your insides

The tears do not care for being stuck
They need to be released
Into the stars

Dear seven year old,
Yes, your plea for better times are being heard by the stars
They always will
Keep wishing on them

Wish on 11:11 too
Because to wish is to know what you want
And knowing what you want
Telling it
Makes it so much more likely to happen

Dear seven year old,
Yes, you still feel like the kid sitting under the slide and just observing life
And you’ve come to appreciate it

Observing, looking, watching
Make all the difference
Almost as much as writing

Dear seven year old,
Write.

Dear thoughts/brain,

I need a break
Please shut up
For me to love us
I need you to go away

Stop flooding my brain
Its overflowing
Soon it will explode
Please
I beg if you
Even just for a day
Take a hike
Or entertain yourself some other way

I know you like to watch me fall apart
Drown in your result
But it's too much today

Respectfully
Lock yourself  up
And throw out the key
For me

With mixed feelings,
You

"what do you wanna do, Liana?"
My mom asks me

"Death"
I respond


"Do you want to eat something?"

"No, I just want to die"


"What are you thinking about?"

"My death"

She laughs
Smiles
She doesn't understand
She doesn't want to understand I'm not joking
When I'm telling her

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
She asks

"I don't want a tomorrow. I want to die"
I answer

She giggles
"That's not an option" she chuckles
She doesn't know

I don't know much about death
Except that it takes your loved ones
It is a big question mark
Taughting me
Constantly

I think
Our brains
Simply can't
Comprehend
That they one day
We won't be there

I don't know much about death
But I know
For some it might be loud
A gunshot the last sound they here
And for some it might be quiet
Alone in world with their last tear

I don't know much about death
But I know
For some it might be at age 6
A very tragic thing indeed
And for some at age 90
Holding the hands of their children
Maybe just as tragic

I don't know much about death
But with great sadness I know
That while some stay until they can't anymore
Some want to go

Death
Holds suspense, grief, and longing
In the palm of his hand
And he boasts it

People fear death
Or more so,
What happens to our consciousness when our bodies can no longer be vessels for it
And I think
It is much like leaving the womb

You have this whole world inside of there
You like it (sometimes)
But you know you must eventually leave
And you don't know to where

You think it's probably far away,
But in fact it's
Right there
Only inches away

I think death is
Right there
I don't know if that makes everything more or less scary

Depression's a *****
Won't leave me alone
It thinks that my body is her home
And no matter how many times I assure her
No
She just keeps coming right back
Each time stronger than before

I feel like I'm a waste of perfectly good air
Everyone hates me
And I think I hear death calling my name

The bump on my skin
Like a bomb
I feel I must make sure
Doesn't explode
Even though in reality
I know it won't

I peel it off
But that sets it off
What have I done?
Now there's blood

Why does it feel rewarding
To see the bright red liquid
Pour down my hand?

The pain is a cue
To feel mad
At myself
For I have caused it

There's just one more spot
I need to peel
I swear this is the last one
But it never is

I just pinch
And peel
And pick
Until my physical pain
Can outweigh my mental one

I'm sorry that it worries you
Or makes you feel awkward
But I can't
"Just stop"

"why are you always bleeding?"

"Did you get in to a fight?"

"Who did this to you?"

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

I want to say:
"Dermatoliomania"

But I say
"Nothing
I'm okay"

They don't need to worry about me
I'm almost decent as can be...
Sometimes

They said I’ve changed
That I’m different than I was in September
That they liked her more

Of course they did
She was another dead fish going with the stream
She was scared
She didn’t want to make them upset

She tried to pretend that she was sane
That she was normal

She was sad
All the time
She was trying not to cry

She’s gotten better
Why is that not good enough for you?

The scars are starting to heal
Don’t make me make new ones

I want to distract myself
Not think about the horrors that keep me awake at night
Memories replaying
Over and over again

But the hurt silently shouts to me
"You can't drown me out"

Walking in the snow
Cold and wet
Lugging your broken suitcase up hill
Can really get you out of your head

Doctor said
I just need rest

Came back a year later
Still messed up in the head

Doctor said
Just drink more water

Came back two years later
After I took a test and it said I was depressed

Doctor said
I'd be fine
I just needed a therapist

Came back one year later
After 4 of them
Not feeling the best

Doctor finally said
There's a problem
And set me up with a psychiatrist
To give me meds

I hope I won't need to come back again

Do I write too much?
All of these words
Accumulating so fast
Just waiting to be let out
They're getting clasutrapjobic
What can I say?
I wish I would stop
I ask them if I may
They say no
Not in a harsh tone
But just one saying that they need to be let go
"Okay" I tell them
It feels good after all
But do I write too much?
The question still stands tall

Dear Faby,

If you are reading this
I am very mad at you
You promised
You wouldn't look for me on here
I showed you some of my poetry
But all that I was willing to share
The rest is too personal
For your ears

I love you
My dear friend
But please don't continue reading
It's an invasion of my privacy

"Don't worry
Be happy"
Bobby tells me

"Don't worry
Don't do it
Be happy"
He tries

"I'm trying
But I can't"
I respond
My head hurts
Fingers throb
Brain overflows

"Don't worry
Be happy"
It's on loop
Like it always is
When I'm anxious
And able to

"When you're worried
Your face will frown
And that will bring
Everybody down"
He explains

"I'm sorry"
I sob

The dread for tomorrow
Is almost
As bad as tomorrow itself

I used to be filled
With such intense emotions
Every day
A tear and a smile
Filled the jar

It was filled with anger and sorrow
But also filled with beauty and color
It was like stepping on sharp rocks in a beautiful sea of blue

Now the water has been drained
And the rocks made into sand that just sticks uncomfortably to me

I do not miss the pain
Bruises on my feet,
Blood making a pool of self-hate on my hands,
Or do I?

I think I just miss the ocean water
I long for the light of the sun reflecting on it
And the creatures that call it home

I feel that the sea has been emptied
And so has my soul...

I know I can't stop taking the little pill
That just keeps increasing in size
But I don't know how much longer I can take it

I don't know how much longer I can stand in the this big hole that was once the ocean

When I'm not escaping
In my social media, walks, books, art, music, or poetry
I am thinking
But thoughts are dangerous and scary
So I'll stick to escaping
And when I'm forced to look up
Into the scary world
I will use it as inspiration
And I will try to make it less scary for those who haven't found their best escape yet
And for those like me
Reluctantly looking up

Even now
Many many years later
I still feel like the 2nd grader who sat under the slide and carved shapes into the mulch during recess
Sitting there
Watching everyone be normal
And just thinking thoughts

Even the brightest stars
Will explode
One day

Even the sky
Needs to scream and cry
Sometimes

Even the most beautiful poem
Will one day be forgotten
Even if that's
When we reach oblivion

You're allowed too
Don't feel bad

I like to believe
That even the loneliest and least understood people
Have a star in the sky
That listens as much as you need
Gets you
And loves you

This star
Is just yours

Since you're basically one
When you hug yourself
It's like the star is hugging you
Wrapping it's brightness so tight
The darkness barely even leaks out

When the world *****
When you die
When you change
And when you cry
The star cares for you

Even in daylight
It's hiding there

Even when the star sees all the you do from up above
It loves you
And tries to help you
You just have to listen to the silence
And you maybe
Just maybe
Won't feel so alone anymore

Everything that goes up
Goes down

Everything that begins
Ends

Everything that lives
Dies

So what's the point of anything?
Or
So what's the point of everything!!?
At the very least
That's your choice

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

I know I am lucky for it
These experiences people my age don't get
Traveling and performing
Playing my instrument
But they don't really know how it is
At home
Scales and metronomes
Haunting me in my sleep
Playing and practicing for my audition
All while crying
Tears rolling down my cheeks as I crescendo
A little sob escapes
During the half rest

I love music
But It shouldn't be this stressful
It's fun when I play with my band
But not alone with my mom
While she's telling me to play that measure again and again
Until I get it right
But I don't really care about that scale
I want to play for fun

When some think of falling
They can't help but think of flying

And when some think of flying
They can't help but think of falling

When it rains
Little branches get wet
And droplets form on them
Not falling
Just waiting to drop
Some want it
Want to fall to this puddle from which there is no return
And some love it up there

They will drop though
That's for sure

Will they be shaken accidentally by a girl taking a walk?
Will the water build up so much
And they aren't strong enough?
Will they evaporate?

They will all fall
Eventually

Is that comforting?
Sad?
Is it crazy?