I love
The idea
Of thanksgiving
It's a holiday
To be grateful and eat good food
But I hate
How my dinner
Will just be two people
Who ordered takeout
Because the rest of the family
Is dead
Mad
Or thousands of miles away

For the next two days
I'll be off and away
In the middle of nowhere
Where no one wants to be

For the next two days
I'll have no electronics
And that means no phone
And that means, I won't be on here

For the next two days
I hope you all can forgive me
For I will be forced to take a break

The noise and messyness of life
Surrounding me constantly
I've learned to think in verse

The
Breaks
Between
The
Lines
Help
Me
So

To think in verse
oh
It is so not a curse

It makes the simplest things
Seem fascinating
And the biggest things
Less scary

Thinking in verse
Makes me merry

Ideas floating through my head
Making it less haunting for me when I'm in bed

I've learned to think in verse
It gives me such perspective

I've learned to think in verse
Making my thoughts branch out
And out
Into something crazy

I learned to think in verse
And it might be because my free time
Is poetry immersed

In and out
And out and in
Poetry made
And
Poetry forgotten

Thinking in verse
Pulls me away
And toward
This beautiful and treacherous world

Your parent is waking you up
“Five more minutes!” You plead
And now all you want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep
The warmth of the blanket
The peace that comes with the dark
The calmness of your heart
In bed that very last night, none of this you saw
You saw monsters under your bed
Monsters living in your head
The blanket was too warm
Your pillow covers in tears
Only in the morning do you think this would please
In your head all would be solved
Five minutes and all problems
–****, gone!

Ouch
It's so **** painful

I don't know what to do
With the pain

I don't know what to do
With the knowledge that I did it to myself

My thumbs bleeding
Throbbing as if my heart was right in there
Yelling at me
Judging me for what I did

The worst part
Is the next time I'll see a bump
I'll just do it all over again
Until it scars my heart and my body forever

I feel guilty
But I know it's mostly his fault
I got it from him
He gave it to me
I know he doesn't notice
Or worse
He doesn't care how he impacts me

But all I can feel now is
Ouch
Outside and in

Lying in bed
It's morning now
I don't remember falling asleep
I never do
I just have to believed it happened

Yesterday is gone
Like my rest
But my dog is still lying next to me
Warm
And comforting

Ba-doom
Ba-doom
Her heartbeat is constant
It reminds me that I too am alive
Can she hear mine?

Tired
Forgot to shut off my alarm
My eyes are closing once again
I am being taken over by sleep
Slowly
And then all at once
I remember a book that once compared it to love

Next thing I know it I am awake again
Don't remember falling asleep
It very well could have been millions of years and my memory could have been erased
Whatever though

I look to the right to my mirror
My hair is a mess
More than the usual curly bird's-nest

Lying in bed
But this time
Calmly
Not crying
Or wishing for sleep
Of course my head still overflowing
It always is

But I
I stare at the ceiling
...
Peace

It's not often
That I can't find words for something

Though often
I see them
Except I can't pick them up and order them
There's a glass barrier in the way

When I can't use words
Is when there something big to say

I just need a moment to contemplate
And order my brain
To find the best tool
To smash the glass getting in the way

Why I am I not allowed to be momentarily devastated by my mind?
Why must I smile and wave in the hallways when I need to collapse in their arms?
Why must I nod when I need to cry?
I want to run to someone
And embrace them
And weep
And scream
Why must I be expected to walk away?

Why am I not allowed to be broken for a little while?
Why must I hold myself together with the ****** glue that is the 4 hours of sleep I got?
I want to just be in an empty room
With one person who will hold my hand
Who will say it's okay to be devastated
And anxious
For a little while
So that I won't have to turn my assignment in with only poetry and doodles on it

What do you think it does to a child
When their father tells them
That they're the reason they want to commit

What do you think it does
When they try infront of you
Twice

"Because of you" he shouted
Cursed at me
Calling me a *****
Telling me I was the reason he stepped in to the street

What do you think it does?
Well they don't remain normal do they
They don't want to be put in that situation again
At the very least

They say to live in the moment
Which I admit
Usually is a good thing to do
But for a second now
I want to live in the past
So I can feel like
Everything has worked out
(And this time not for you)
And so I can appreciate how much better things are now
Big- like how we don't live together anymore
And small- How all the plates finally match
Both are good enough

And then I can return to the present
With a more pleasant
Point of view

Everything that goes up
Goes down

Everything that begins
Ends

Everything that lives
Dies

So what's the point of anything?
Or
So what's the point of everything!!?
At the very least
That's your choice

My therapist told me
That you said
You wanted to be friends

She didn't understand how messed up that was

I don't want to be his friend
I don't need my father as a friend
I need him as a parent
And a good one at that

You choose your friends
I don't choose you

You're forced to be someone's child
Like I was to you
Except you want to be my friend
I don't want you

My mom had an escape
She divorced him
And even then
It took her a child
And 25 years

I'm stuck
He's in my bones
There's nothing I can do
Except choose not to be friends with him

I want to be his daughter
And for that he has to be my dad
Thats on him

Step one:
Be an adult

*Failed

****
If when I hurt myself
I'm hurting the younger version of me too
When my father gets hurt by me
I must be hurting the little boy playing in the grass
Having hobbies that his parents said were a faze
And who never thought that the person he is now
Would be the person he was going to be

When he says I'm the reason he wants to die
Does that mean I'm killing that innocent child too?


Guilt consumes me
I hate my mind

How dare I let myself feel sad?

Have you every heard the someone say
"Someone always has it worse"?
They're trying to help you, but it always ends up making me feel terrible
If someone else has it so bad
My problems just seem silly
So how dare I feel sad?

If I'm mad that my dad is crazy
Someone's dad is dead

If school is stressful and I'm freaking out
Some don't get to go because they are working to be able to buy clothes

If I am crying because I can't stop picking my thumb and it hurts
Some people lost their hand in traumatic ways

If I got in to a fight with my mom
Some people would do anything just to see there's again

Someone always has it worse
And that thought is anything but comforting
Now I feel bad for feeling sad

Once should have been enough
"Stop
...
Please stop"

I shouldn't have to say it 11 times
I shouldn't have to count
Yell
Or cry
Still to no avail
You're truly blind

"Stop"
It should be enough
To say once

Maybe I shouldn't even have to say it at all
Maybe he should have learned these simple things by now
Nevertheless
I need to

"Stop"
I try

"Stop"
I sob
...
It's in vain

For some
When the clock hits midnight
The new day has started
They're in their bed all cozy and asleep
And then they're people like me
Where the terrors have just begun

Now is the time to pay
For the work you have procrastinated from
And the feeling locked up

At midnight most of the world resembles my thoughts----
Dark
Which never helps much

12:00 the clock reads
My head messes with the number as it always does
1+2=3
Three is a bad number
But twelve can be divided by six
And equal two
Two is a good number
Obviously

I hate math
But my head does this with times such as midnight
And generally bittersweet things

Memories of walking around in circles during recess
12345678
12345678
I repeated until it was over

Midnight feels unreal
But too real at the same time

Midnight
I wish I was asleep
But I'm kind of afraid to be
How can I be so tired, but not sleepy?

Midnight
You confuse me

I am a master
Of avoiding arguments
As for the entirety of my existence
Looking at you wrong
Could mean a tantrum
Making a helpful suggestion
Could make you shout at me
And asking you
"What's up?"
Could mean a suffering two day tragedy

It's best to keep my head down
But not for too long
Because that might make them mad too

When I was younger and it was rainy I didn't like to go outside
"Oh but it's messy
It's so cold
And I'll get soaked!!"
I thought
I was too worried about surviving to think about truly living

But every moment I get older I seem to appreciate rainy days more and more
For today when it was raining I went outside and jumped in puddles
Rubbed mud on my arms
Legs
Face
Not minding that there was dirt under my fingernails

I do not even call it messy anymore
I call it one with mother earth

The cold I once said I hated even seemed comforting for it reminded me that I was indeed alive

I wished it would rain harder
So I could be even more covered in authenticity
and so the sky could be reminded that there were some
Who loved the natural things she made
That there were some that didn't open their umbrellas to avoid her

When I was younger I didn't think about wearing shoes all that much
I wore them everyday, everywhere
I suppose I was more worried about not angering my father
Then truly living

But now I go barefoot in my backyard so I can feel the grass under my feet
So I can stand on Earth

It's so simple
"Standing on earth"
But I take so much pleasure in it
I take so much pleasure in the removing the barrier between us
Me and mother nature

I think who I am now is partly letting my survival-focused inner child out
Because she was too worried to splash around in puddles

"And I notice you go like this a lot"
He says
He's demonstrating the pinching and slapping of my arm I frequently do
I thought no one noticed...
But he did

Tears roll down my cheeks
I'm so grateful
So lucky
And then I notice he's writing something down
And I hear him talking about a plan
A plan to train my dog to help me
He's going to do it

Someone I know
Would do that

Someone that knows my flaws
Traumas
Scars
Would do that

And for the next 30 minutes
I just sit there
Wiping off my tears as they come
Wondering how I got so lucky
Wondering how I survived before
And I wish he was there in person
Not just over call
Because I wanted to run up to him
And give him the biggest hug

He said I deserved one
I cried then too
I sobbed
He has no idea how much he means
How I would climb to the moon
To make him smile

And he says he hates his body
He says he looks like a girl
But I just look at him and wonder how anyone could hate that
How could anyone hate that?
But I can't say anything
Because everyone will start their chants
"Liana and __ sitting in a tree..."

And yes it's kind of pathetic
I only have one person in my state I feel comfortable calling
Only one I want to talk to
But I couldn't ask for anyone better
Because he's everything wonderful left in this world
And I can not thank him enough
For even just existing
And giving a **** about me

People
We are all the same
You know
In some way
And we are also different

We are all alive
Though some don't feel that way
We all have fears
Different in many ways
We feel emotions
Some happy, some melancholy
We all cry sometimes
For different reasons, of course
We all want to be happy
Though some don't get to be, and think the result would be accomplished differently
We all want to be loved
But some don't get to be

And despite those difference
We should remember
We are all connected
Somehow
some way
So maybe
Let's not hate one another

Pen
To paper
Words flooding out
Ones I could never be able
To say outloud

So mad at myself
Completely freaked out
Fighting back tears
How could I forget
I can't fail this
This counts as a test
Crap

I just forgot piece of paper
A stupid
Important price of paper

I need to go to the bathroom
Get out of class
I can't let myself have an anxiety attack here
Now
But my teacher banned bathroom visits
Too many kids vaping

I ****
I can't fail English
I won't
It's my best subject
AHHHH

I repeat in my head
A grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade
It's not that big of a deal
But my stupid amygdala decides otherwise

I even can't focus on the parts I can do anymore
I feel dead
I'm done

Close chromebook
Dig nails into my hands
...
Ow
...
I deserve it

Red lines appear

Open favorite poetry book
Absorb words
May be heartbreaking
But
In a different way---
I don't feel alone

Soon enough
The buzz of the bell releases me
To a new hell

There's this kid I know
Associated with making trouble
But quite wrongly so
Because before he even moves
They tell him to stop
As if they know squat

I come at unexpected moments
I bring fear and anxiety
I whisper morbid thoughts about your family and society

My favorite times are 3 am and always
My favorite topics are death and pain
I like to make sure that you scream silently in vain

I take you out of reality
Launch you in to space
I planet for the people you may ****
And a star for the ones you won't save

Short and quick
I can ruin your day in the snap of my finger
The what if’s taking over your brain and I promise they will linger

I also serve a purpose which I admit a often fail
To protect from the things that can put you in jail
I know it makes you crazy and so I'm sorry to say
That 's the only thing I know and I'll do it until the end of always.

Nose clogged
Like my brain

Throat hurting
Like my heart

Body weak
Like my social skills

Head aching
Kind of like me

Yes
I may have not saved the world
There are many still suffering
Many still dying
Many still crying

But
I'm proud to say
I have saved A world

I have saved that street cat's world
I have saved that person's world
Who knows
I could have saved a stranger's world

Yes
I didn't save the whole wide world
There are too many problems to solve alone
Even so
I have saved a world
The world for one
And that's enough

My reflection in the mirror taunts me
Who could ever love this?
My friends tell me I'm beautiful
But they are just kind
I see my body in mirror
I know that these are lies

In the photo
They are
Extraordinary
And there I am
With my awkward thumbs up
Hideous

"Too big"
My reflection screams at me
"Like your father"
It shouts

I hate myself even though
I am a person who loves
Loves so strongly
So easily
It's so easy for me to love others
But the mirror
Oh the mirror makes me hate me

Whenever I walk across the street
The person in the car has to stop
I think about how
In just a slight movement of their foot
The person in that car
Could end my life
And all that I know would be effected
And everyone who knows them will be effected
And it may or may not
Go on and on

We trust eachother so much
And so little

You say you hate your body
Many people do
But the human body is art
And nature
Which means that so is everything we hate about it

It's okay to have scars
The trees have them too
And they're still beautiful

The stretch marks on your skin
Are but the lightings in the sky
The beautiful, beautiful lighting
And those bumps are the stars

The fat, extra skin, cellulite are just the beautiful ocean water
And our hair is grass in an open field

And all of this is Art
Magic
Poetry
Nature
All of this is beautiful
So are you

Trying to figure out
How people
Are underlining
Bolding
And putting italics
On here
My Google search
Has done me no good

My mother,
She claims that I need it
Because I
"Have a lot going on"
But I'm quite clear on my thoughts
And I pretty sure I know what I want
And that she won't tell me anything I don't know
She is nice and all
But I don't believe she can help me with squat
My therapy is poetry
And long walks
Not an old lady writing notes in an office

I am aware of my problems
I know my mistakes
And I know how deal with the ones
I didn't even make
How?
Years of experience

Plus, when I ask her questions
She just asks me ones back
When I needed answers

It might be helpful for some
Which is great
But for me
It doesn't work that way

I am aware of what's going on in my head
I think I even know too much about it honestly

No one talks about how painful it is
To love someone who wants to die
About the anger that you aren't enough
That they're okay with leaving this world
Leaving you here

We don't talk about
The constant fear
That they might already be gone
That couldn't save them

The terror when they don't answer
Every time
I find myself unable to breathe
Thinking about the blood on the floor
Imagining the rope around their neck
Picturing the empty pill bottle next to their lifeless body
There is so much fear

Please call me
Please tell someone
You cannot be alone like that to end your world

Please call me if you're going to do it
But it will not be for goodbye's
I will not tell you it's alright
I will say that I will ever be able to forgive you
Because I won't
I will only forgive you if you started breathing again
But when you're dead
That's it
You're dead

Yes I would be devastated
Completely and utterly
But that's not all
I would be angry too

2am anxiety attack
3am writing them poems
They're not enough
The words aren't enough
I'm not ******* enough
No one talks about being up at 4am doing research
How to help
Words to give
Grasping thin air for something
Anything
To keep them there

Now it's 5 am
Making lists of ways to make things better
How to make the world more livable
Because they are not allowed to die
6 am still awake
It doesn't matter that I won't get any sleep
I don't care about myself anymore
I don't care about my life
They just need to stay in it
That's all that matters

I wish on 11:11
Not because I believe that will make it come true
But because it makes me wish

I got an award today
Apparently of high honor
Speeches about me
Proud people, teachers from way back crying
But I cry in my car now
I still hate myself
Why?

Depression's a *****
Won't leave me alone
It thinks that my body is her home
And no matter how many times I assure her
No
She just keeps coming right back
Each time stronger than before

I want to write something beautiful
But my thoughts and my heart aren't there right now
And that's where I write from

So everything I write is messy and weird

And probably a little unhealthy

Maybe a little stuck too

Why couldn't things be that way more often?

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

Some people
Are choking back tears
Always

I have never hugged them
But we are so close
I know so much
I know all of the terrors
I know all of the trauma
And all of the beauty

My mom basically adopted them
And they are basically my sibling

We're both strange
We're both awkward
And we both have a crazy parent

We are parents to pet rocks
So many art pieces
So many deep conversations

We may have never hugged
But Sophia
I really hope you know
How much you are loved

I figured it out
People just want to be hot peppers

Peppers are spicy which pushes people away
But their flavor is enough for people to stay
People still love them
cook with them
Eat them
They even learn to love their spice
Just existing is enough to suffice

People just want to be hot peppers
Their “flaws” are loved
People love them for it sometimes
Their wonderful flavors appreciated

People just want to be hot peppers
There are some who can't handle them
Which is normal if you're alive
But despite those haters
They still thrive

I tell myself
That I'm okay without them
I've done it most of my life anyhow
But sometimes now
I start to feel lonely

Either way
The people at lunch who I sit with
They don't count
Because I don't talk to them
Or even look up at them
I am in my own world

Maybe because
It has been this way forever
I've come to live with the fact
I will be without them
That at school
I am a loner
Sitting there
Staring into space
Tolerated

I still hope though
Which like it does with everything else
With this it makes me disappointed again
For I am still left
Without them

Here, ruining each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of his hand
Nobody can, deny that he's not okay

There, manipulating all that he can
Both of us thinking how the other one's crazy
Someone has to be
But he doesn't know what he's doing

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always believing that he is the victim
Getting hurt all the time
And hoping I'll always be there

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always getting defensive over every little thing
Except for his mistakes
Hoping I'll stay right there

And it makes me sad to say
I see him there, and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

I want to know what I'm in for

Calling because you want to **** yourself and are in a terrible mood
Or
Calling because you are in a good mood and want to make my day hard?

Did you get me giant toaster that I don't want
Or
Or is there a favor you need?

When is ask you how you are
Will you get mad at me for asking
Or
Will you answer "Good"
Either way
You won't ask back
Because you don't care

All I wish
Is that it won't be a gamble
Anymore

Good or bad
I don't care

Hands covered in scars
And I know
It's my fault

I wonder
Who could ever love them?
They are just a reminder
Of what I've done
And that isn't beautiful
At all

Blood isn't beautiful
Injuries aren't beautiful
Especially when I'm the cause

People
Want
Perfect

But I want to be loved like a hot pepper
For my flaws
Even when they aren't pleasant
Or beautiful

Unfortunately
I'm not a vegetable