Once should have been enough
"Stop
...
Please stop"

I shouldn't have to say it 11 times
I shouldn't have to count
Yell
Or cry
Still to no avail
You're truly blind

"Stop"
It should be enough
To say once

Maybe I shouldn't even have to say it at all
Maybe he should have learned these simple things by now
Nevertheless
I need to

"Stop"
I try

"Stop"
I sob
...
It's in vain

There's this kid I know
Associated with making trouble
But quite wrongly so
Because before he even moves
They tell him to stop
As if they know squat

My therapist told me
That you said
You wanted to be friends

She didn't understand how messed up that was

I don't want to be his friend
I don't need my father as a friend
I need him as a parent
And a good one at that

You choose your friends
I don't choose you

You're forced to be someone's child
Like I was to you
Except you want to be my friend
I don't want you

My mom had an escape
She divorced him
And even then
It took her a child
And 25 years

I'm stuck
He's in my bones
There's nothing I can do
Except choose not to be friends with him

I want to be his daughter
And for that he has to be my dad
Thats on him

Step one:
Be an adult

*Failed

I have the urge to be one of the poetic person the universe has seen;
To show up to somebody's house unannounced with their favorite flowers and poems and chocolates so we can kiss in the rain and so we can talk about the very fact that despite the odds being against us, we both live in the same world at the same time

I want to send long handwritten letters
Ask what their love language is
Hold everyone's hand
And make sure everyone knows that my shoulder is theirs to lean on

I want to walk up a stranger who looks like someone Id want to be friends with
And ask to be penpals

I want to send people every song that reminds me of them
And write them poems about the conversations we had

I want to write all over bathroom stalls
To make every person feel so so loved
And ever so precious

Why is that so strange in our modern day world?

Nose clogged
Like my brain

Throat hurting
Like my heart

Body weak
Like my social skills

Head aching
Kind of like me

I come at unexpected moments
I bring fear and anxiety
I whisper morbid thoughts about your family and society

My favorite times are 3 am and always
My favorite topics are death and pain
I like to make sure that you scream silently in vain

I take you out of reality
Launch you in to space
I planet for the people you may ****
And a star for the ones you won't save

Short and quick
I can ruin your day in the snap of my finger
The what if’s taking over your brain and I promise they will linger

I also serve a purpose which I admit a often fail
To protect from the things that can put you in jail
I know it makes you crazy and so I'm sorry to say
That 's the only thing I know and I'll do it until the end of always.

I am a master
Of avoiding arguments
As for the entirety of my existence
Looking at you wrong
Could mean a tantrum
Making a helpful suggestion
Could make you shout at me
And asking you
"What's up?"
Could mean a suffering two day tragedy

It's best to keep my head down
But not for too long
Because that might make them mad too

"you need a father in your life"
He shouted at me

"Exactly" I say, choking back tears

I wish on 11:11
Not because I believe that will make it come true
But because it makes me wish

My reflection in the mirror taunts me
Who could ever love this?
My friends tell me I'm beautiful
But they are just kind
I see my body in mirror
I know that these are lies

In the photo
They are
Extraordinary
And there I am
With my awkward thumbs up
Hideous

"Too big"
My reflection screams at me
"Like your father"
It shouts

I hate myself even though
I am a person who loves
Loves so strongly
So easily
It's so easy for me to love others
But the mirror
Oh the mirror makes me hate me

So mad at myself
Completely freaked out
Fighting back tears
How could I forget
I can't fail this
This counts as a test
Crap

I just forgot piece of paper
A stupid
Important price of paper

I need to go to the bathroom
Get out of class
I can't let myself have an anxiety attack here
Now
But my teacher banned bathroom visits
Too many kids vaping

I ****
I can't fail English
I won't
It's my best subject
AHHHH

I repeat in my head
A grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade is a grade
It's not that big of a deal
But my stupid amygdala decides otherwise

I even can't focus on the parts I can do anymore
I feel dead
I'm done

Close chromebook
Dig nails into my hands
...
Ow
...
I deserve it

Red lines appear

Open favorite poetry book
Absorb words
May be heartbreaking
But
In a different way---
I don't feel alone

Soon enough
The buzz of the bell releases me
To a new hell

Whenever I walk across the street
The person in the car has to stop
I think about how
In just a slight movement of their foot
The person in that car
Could end my life
And all that I know would be effected
And everyone who knows them will be effected
And it may or may not
Go on and on

We trust eachother so much
And so little

Yes
I may have not saved the world
There are many still suffering
Many still dying
Many still crying

But
I'm proud to say
I have saved A world

I have saved that street cat's world
I have saved that person's world
Who knows
I could have saved a stranger's world

Yes
I didn't save the whole wide world
There are too many problems to solve alone
Even so
I have saved a world
The world for one
And that's enough

I tell myself
That I'm okay without them
I've done it most of my life anyhow
But sometimes now
I start to feel lonely

Either way
The people at lunch who I sit with
They don't count
Because I don't talk to them
Or even look up at them
I am in my own world

Maybe because
It has been this way forever
I've come to live with the fact
I will be without them
That at school
I am a loner
Sitting there
Staring into space
Tolerated

I still hope though
Which like it does with everything else
With this it makes me disappointed again
For I am still left
Without them

I want to write something beautiful
But my thoughts and my heart aren't there right now
And that's where I write from

So everything I write is messy and weird

And probably a little unhealthy

Maybe a little stuck too

Your parent is waking you up
“Five more minutes!” You plead
And now all you want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep
The warmth of the blanket
The peace that comes with the dark
The calmness of your heart
In bed that very last night, none of this you saw
You saw monsters under your bed
Monsters living in your head
The blanket was too warm
Your pillow covers in tears
Only in the morning do you think this would please
In your head all would be solved
Five minutes and all problems
–****, gone!

I want to know what I'm in for

Calling because you want to **** yourself and are in a terrible mood
Or
Calling because you are in a good mood and want to make my day hard?

Did you get me giant toaster that I don't want
Or
Or is there a favor you need?

When is ask you how you are
Will you get mad at me for asking
Or
Will you answer "Good"
Either way
You won't ask back
Because you don't care

All I wish
Is that it won't be a gamble
Anymore

Good or bad
I don't care

Trying to figure out
How people
Are underlining
Bolding
And putting italics
On here
My Google search
Has done me no good

Some people
Are choking back tears
Always

Hands covered in scars
And I know
It's my fault

I wonder
Who could ever love them?
They are just a reminder
Of what I've done
And that isn't beautiful
At all

Blood isn't beautiful
Injuries aren't beautiful
Especially when I'm the cause

People
Want
Perfect

But I want to be loved like a hot pepper
For my flaws
Even when they aren't pleasant
Or beautiful

Unfortunately
I'm not a vegetable

Google describes it as
"A delightful and positive term often associated with unexpected discoveries and fortunate outcomes. "

And It's true
You are delightful
After all
My dearest serendipity

"Oh
But I lie!"
You say

"Oh,
but I steal!"
You try

But oh
Dearest serendipity
I love every "flaw"
I love you with every mistake you made
And will ever make
Because YOU made that mistake
It is YOURS
And it is therefore extraordinary

And you hate your body
But for me that just seems...
Strange, wrong
Because I love it
Even though I haven't really seen it that much YET
Or hugged it YET
But I do love it
Because it is YOURS
It takes care of YOU
It holds YOUR soul
And one day
Which I swear will come
When we're walking
And I lose you for a moment in a crowd
The sign of relief I'll make
Will be because I saw YOUR body
And it's beautiful
Because it's YOURS
And you are magic
Which means it is too
And one day
In my wholesome, not-stalkerish manner
I will hug it in all its glory
In it's perfection
Because I wouldn't have it any other wayi

And yes yes
You came with some unexpected discoveries too
For one thing
I now know what things like
"Canning" are
And now, because of you, I also know of the little spiky things that stick to you in small America
I also know they ****

But it's not just that
You made me discover how different two people can be
While still simultaneously
Being the same
While simultaneously being
Dare I say,
Two of a kind?

Yes, I do dare
Because you convinced me to
You convince me to try
To keep the razor down
And you say you believe in me
And every time you do
The words going through my mind are
"Serendipity
Serendipity
Serendipity"

And don't even get me started on "fortunate outcomes"
Because every outcome
That includes my dearest serendipity
Is fortunate
Even the ones that don't work out
Because you're there

You've never failed me
For as long as I've known of your existence
You say you do, a lot
But never have you
Even once

Because just knowing
That you're out there
And that you see the same moon
Sky
Sun
Is enough
My dearest, dearest, serendipity

I didn't know I needed you
No one did
They just gave me yet another therapist
Another kind of pill
Each bigger than the last
But I just needed them to prescribe you
But they couldn't because
As serendipity does
You seemed to just appear
And change my life for the better
Completely and utterly

Who would've known
That some country girl
26 days away
A writer
THE queen of sas
The beauty
nThe mater deep thinking and eye rolling
Would save my life
I didn't, certainly
But the universe did, I suppose
And it gave me a present a month ago
It arrived with a caution sticker on it saying
"Magical, perfect, sasy"
And I thought it would just be one of those random packages
But little did I know
She would save myself
Be my reason to breathe

A month ago
Little did I know
I was just provided
With serendipity

The best gift on earth you are
And I'm so grateful
My dearest,
Dearest,
Serendipity

I have never hugged them
But we are so close
I know so much
I know all of the terrors
I know all of the trauma
And all of the beauty

My mom basically adopted them
And they are basically my sibling

We're both strange
We're both awkward
And we both have a crazy parent

We are parents to pet rocks
So many art pieces
So many deep conversations

We may have never hugged
But Sophia
I really hope you know
How much you are loved

Depression's a *****
Won't leave me alone
It thinks that my body is her home
And no matter how many times I assure her
No
She just keeps coming right back
Each time stronger than before

My mother,
She claims that I need it
Because I
"Have a lot going on"
But I'm quite clear on my thoughts
And I pretty sure I know what I want
And that she won't tell me anything I don't know
She is nice and all
But I don't believe she can help me with squat
My therapy is poetry
And long walks
Not an old lady writing notes in an office

I am aware of my problems
I know my mistakes
And I know how deal with the ones
I didn't even make
How?
Years of experience

Plus, when I ask her questions
She just asks me ones back
When I needed answers

It might be helpful for some
Which is great
But for me
It doesn't work that way

I am aware of what's going on in my head
I think I even know too much about it honestly

I figured it out
People just want to be hot peppers

Peppers are spicy which pushes people away
But their flavor is enough for people to stay
People still love them
cook with them
Eat them
They even learn to love their spice
Just existing is enough to suffice

People just want to be hot peppers
Their “flaws” are loved
People love them for it sometimes
Their wonderful flavors appreciated

People just want to be hot peppers
There are some who can't handle them
Which is normal if you're alive
But despite those haters
They still thrive

I refuse to be nonchalant
I will be that person who's smile gets wider when they see you
Starts jumping up and down
I will be that person who cries every time a dog in a movie died
If something funny happens
Why wouldn't I let myself laugh?
If I see that the sunset looks especially pretty one night
I'll say it randomly in conversation
And I'll dance with my friends while listening to music on our way to buy random things from Walgreens at 11:00pm
If the sounds are too overwhelming
I'll go to hide in the bathroom
And yeah, if I see you cry
I'll probably cry too

I got an award today
Apparently of high honor
Speeches about me
Proud people, teachers from way back crying
But I cry in my car now
I still hate myself
Why?

You don't deserve to be written about
But I deserve to let the anger go
And that's all I can do as of now
So here we are
And you find yourself in another poem of mine

I will be trying to forgive
Not because deserve to be forgiven
You haven't apologized
But because I need that peace in my heart

Don't worry though
I'll never
Forget
I'll make sure of it
I need to remember
So I don't get this hurt again

You say you hate your body
Many people do
But the human body is art
And nature
Which means that so is everything we hate about it

It's okay to have scars
The trees have them too
And they're still beautiful

The stretch marks on your skin
Are but the lightings in the sky
The beautiful, beautiful lighting
And those bumps are the stars

The fat, extra skin, cellulite are just the beautiful ocean water
And our hair is grass in an open field

And all of this is Art
Magic
Poetry
Nature
All of this is beautiful
So are you

Each brush stroke
A part of my soul
Blending
Mixing
Bleeding into eachother

Colors combining
Overlapping
Kind of like my thoughts

They make something interesting
Maybe messy
But calming
At least to me

Here, ruining each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of his hand
Nobody can, deny that he's not okay

There, manipulating all that he can
Both of us thinking how the other one's crazy
Someone has to be
But he doesn't know what he's doing

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always believing that he is the victim
Getting hurt all the time
And hoping I'll always be there

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always getting defensive over every little thing
Except for his mistakes
Hoping I'll stay right there

And it makes me sad to say
I see him there, and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

I don't know much about death
Except that it takes your loved ones
It is a big question mark
Taughting me
Constantly

I think
Our brains
Simply can't
Comprehend
That they one day
We won't be there

I don't know much about death
But I know
For some it might be loud
A gunshot the last sound they here
And for some it might be quiet
Alone in world with their last tear

I don't know much about death
But I know
For some it might be at age 6
A very tragic thing indeed
And for some at age 90
Holding the hands of their children
Maybe just as tragic

I don't know much about death
But with great sadness I know
That while some stay until they can't anymore
Some want to go

Death
Holds suspense, grief, and longing
In the palm of his hand
And he boasts it

Dear Friend,
I hope this website will save you
Just as it has saved me

The souls, so kind
The words are ever beautiful
And the poetry, so incredibly feeling

I hope you will find the strength
To keep on writing
And maybe share some
With this wonderful, wonderful community

And my entire body
Is overwhelmed
By pain
Depression

My heart
Brain
Wrists
All so ready to
Just
Give
Out

Why couldn't things be that way more often?

I fear you
Everyday
Every moment
You're a silent scream
always taunting me
You're unpredictable
Will I see tomorrow?
Will they see a tomorrow?
Why am I still in bed worrying
When there's a whole world?
I fear the last times
The last times I don’t even know are last times
My head takes me to places no one wants to go
You take them away from us
Anyone has the power to use you
We have to trust each other
But not too much
to avoid you

Dear death,
How dare you?

He is the kind of manipulative
That makes question yourself
And your memory
So I found a loophole
I record everything
On my phone
So I can check to make sure

It's sad that I have to do this
With my own father
But I need to
For me mentally

I could watch the fire forever
It wraps itself around the wood
And they sing together
A beautiful, crackling song
Just hearing it
Makes you calm

Fire is something people yell in their last minutes
And something that eliminates all feelings wrong

It is hypnotizing
But in a way that you still feel in control
It makes you warm
Inside and out
It's sad that it's also a result of drought

Nevertheless,
I could watch it dance
Forever

Please don't leave
Don't leave the world to spin without you
All ****** up and beautiful
Because Daisy needs you to scratch her ****
With it's majestic hair
And the little twirl at the end of it
Many more times

Don't leave this stunning disaster
Because there are so many queerphobs
Left un-twerked on
Without your **** in their stupid little faces

Yes, your mother will miss you
Yes, the people who caused the very pain you're experiencing will make some sappy fake Snapchat post about how they hope you rest in peace
Yes, your dog will be confused
I know you know that

I know you have heard the phrase
"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
Everyone has
They shove it in your face as soon as they show you the word
"Suicide"
But yet
720,000 people are taken by it each year
So clearly these words are to no avail
Because when you're sitting in front of everything deadly you own
Feeling so much yet nothing at all
What they told you at a school function that one time that was kind of obvious may not come to mind
But anything that helps you put them away
Or at least save them for another day
Means everything

So can you stay
To stroke your horse again?
To finish your sketchbook?
To burn your math work?

Can you stay simply because firefighters with abs exist?
Because of the free **** website that's somehow not blocked on school computers?
To take a run and finally get the relief of feeling it all?

****
"You're too young to die"
If that doesn't do **** for you
Can you please stay here because you have the free will to go on Amazon and look at the reviews for speedos?

It's selfish to keep you here for me
I know I'm not enough
I can't help you as much as I wish I could
Though if you left me to spin on this **** globe without you
I can say that there's a good chance
in the end there will be more than one tragedy

You're right
Maybe laughing might not make you less tired of living
But what if
Like you said
We could just sit there and feel hurt
Because we deserve to after everything

When I'm in that place
Of such deep, strong pain
The last thing I want
Is to search my brain for people that love me
And see that I'm alone in the world
I don't want you to ever have to

I wish I could steal your pain
But I can't
All I can do is pull more words out of my ***
And if you let me,
Hug you

You are such an great friend
And if you ever want more
I have so many words
And I will write you more poems
1000 more if that's what it takes
Because you need to stay

You deserve to live
Really live
I wish you believed me
Please
Please
Stay

I know I'm not enough to keep you here
But I will keep on trying anyways
Because even though you may not care about yourself anymore
I do

It's not enough I know
I'm sorry
I wish I could do more
But every little thing that helps you matters
So can you please maybe just stay
Because sometimes when people laugh they do the thing where they hold the other person momentarily?
That beautiful human thing

Can you stay because the clouds are still moving?
Because even in daylight the stars are there?
Because your dog's ******* expands when he barks?
Because when you're drowning
I promise to always help you out of the water?

Can you stay simply because of trees?
Because your heart beats?
Because the show you're watching has a new season coming out?

Stay because life does this thing
Where is pushes you right to the edge
And then shows you something wonderful
That is just enough to keep you here?

For me that has been poetry, you, the person I told you about in Oklahoma, walking with music, and dancing in the rain
And I know that there will be more
If I let there be
And same goes for you
There will be wonderful things you have yet to see
Wonderful people you have yet to love
People that have yet to love you
Please let them
Stay

Dear friend,
Yes I'm being intense I know
Yes I'm writing a pathetic *** poem for you
Yes I know that these words probably don't mean anything
But I need to anyways
And I will continue for as long as I live if it helps you even the slightest bit
Because you need to stay
Okay?
Please stay

Hope sure is a heartbreaker
A beautiful creature, with her eyes of gold and daisies in her hair
Holding your life's happiness in the palm of her hand
Just out of reach
Saying "your almost there!"
Even though she runs away from you as you run to her
(In her graceful run)
And when your getting there
She throws them
In an endless pit
They are swallowed whole

She said she wouldn't do that
She promised she'd give them to you
She said those dreams would come soon
And that shed never betray you
She lied

She left you there
Heartbroken
To sob
And wonder why

I am quiet
But my thoughts are loud

I am untrusting
But I trust you too much

I am choking back tears on the inside
But I'm smiling on the outside

I wonder what's wrong with my mind
Way too often

Once when I was around 6 years old
I was ******
At my teacher
So I went and sat under the slide
And I wouldn't move
Even after the whistle was blown
And after my teacher yelled at me some more
And my friend joined me
And then left
And until they say they would call my mom
And that they were disappointed in me
I still sat
That was all I could do at my age to protest
And I did until I felt I had made my impact
Then I got up silently
And went in line
With a smile of satisfaction
And the reminisce of tears on my cheeks

Now
When I'm ******
I sit there
Clenching my fists
And do nothing else
(Outside of my head)

I wish I would be more like 6 year old me
Honestly

Cry
Cry
Cry
"You have had enough time!"
I tell my tears
Though they keep
f
  a
      l
        l
           I
          n
        g


Scream
Scram
Scream
"Just as long as no one hears you"
I whisper to my voice
Though in my mind
All I can hear is
AHH
AHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Smile
Smile
Smile
"Keep it up, but only at the right times"
I tell my mouth
Though sometimes I catch myself

             o        w     n     i
     r                                     n
F                                              g

I love
When I make people laugh
And when they feel comfortable enough to cry
To share theirs thoughts out loud
So I can too can be mad
And express how much I don't want them to die

When I'm not escaping
In my social media, walks, books, art, music, or poetry
I am thinking
But thoughts are dangerous and scary
So I'll stick to escaping
And when I'm forced to look up
Into the scary world
I will use it as inspiration
And I will try to make it less scary for those who haven't found their best escape yet
And for those like me
Reluctantly looking up