When I'm not escaping
In my social media, walks, books, art, music, or poetry
I am thinking
But thoughts are dangerous and scary
So I'll stick to escaping
And when I'm forced to look up
Into the scary world
I will use it as inspiration
And I will try to make it less scary for those who haven't found their best escape yet
And for those like me
Reluctantly looking up

In class
When someone spots my bleeding thumb
Before saying anything to me
Thinking anything
They raise their hand
And say
"Mrs. S! Mrs. S! She's bleeding!

My head screams
"No no no no no"
As I walk to the nurse
What will she say?
What will she do?
Will she ask me questions?
Luckily she didn't
She barely glanced at me
And told me where the bandaids were
Phew!

I wonder what would happen if she saw how bad it looked though...

Every day at lunch
I get the same thing
It's the most edible thing they have

I grab it
And go to pay

I say hi to the lunch lady
And ask her how is her day
She says good
She asks me
I say good
(Even though I’m not really)

I punch in my number
Smile at her
She says I’m “good to go”
I say thank you
And she says you're welcome and
You're a very sweet and kind girl
I said thank you
And left

It saddened me
That I was probably the nicest to her
That they all just made a mess
Yelled
Didn't even look up at her after taking their food
Not even a smile
Or a polite thank you

I respect these people
Maybe more than my teachers honestly
They have really hard jobs
Dealing with kids
And I know they barely make any money

Who ever said
That when they grew up
They wanted to be a lunch lady?
I wonder what went wrong
It hope they're okay
So what if they're like 50 years older than me
I think I'm friends with my lunch lady
I think more people should be

At least I know she smiles at least once a day

She came over
And we had fun with friends
Then they left
And we started talking

At first, all light and funny stuff
Until she started opening up
Telling me about such terrors
No one should ever have to experience
And me
Trying to have good, thoughtful responses
Making sure she feels safe
I don't know if it worked

I feel bad
For ever feeling bad
About anything
When she had it so much worse

I wish I could fix all the problems
That her heart holds
So many
She once had to go to a phyc ward

I wish that I would know whether it was okay to hug her
Because I really wanted to
At that moment

So many problems
She is just a girl
This shouldn't be a thing
This shouldn't be real

The world is so ****** up
These shouldn't be problems
People have to face
Now I can't sleep
Simply for hearing them

I wonder
If she'll believe him
And all of his lies
Saying he's done nothing wrong
And loved me so
He wants “ to get close”

If she believes him
I'll seem like the criminal
And he’ll seem like the victim to my crime

If she believes him
I'll look like a liar

Why did he need to meet her alone?
I don't understand

Lies
Lies
Lies
But so convincing still

It's like a remix of a song
That takes you a moment to recognize
Because the melody is different

It's my word against his
But I’m younger than him

I wish to never see her again
But I'll see her today

Honestly
I would rather stay in bed
I have other better ways
To do therapy

Other ways
That don't have an unhelpful opinions

Other ways
That can't believe his lies

And other ways
That help me
Instead of stress me
And can keep me sane
(Most of the time)

I hate the sunset tonight
it shines for the children
for the heroes in all of their might
for the kitten who stares out the window
and for the young lady who cries every night

I hate the sunset tonight because it shines that very same bright for the angry man who does terrible things out of spite
the same bright for ruiners of people's lives
for the person who makes that young lady cry
for the people who believe that some don't deserve rights

I hate it because not everyone deserves to see that light yet it shines just as bright

If only everyone
Was a little bit more
Like my cat

Because he sees someone crying
And sits with them to comfort

When I arrive home
He comes to welcome me

No matter how many times
We kick him off the dinner table
He always comes back trying to take
What he believes he deserves
And he eventually he succeeds

He loves
Unconditionally

he's there
Always

And he's absolutely bonkers
But he doesn't care

A question
I get a kick out of asking people is
What would you do, if you found out that this is all a simulation?
Most people answer
That they would do whatever they want,
Go crazy!
Honestly
Id just keep going along
Maybe with some more experiments
But that's it
Because repercussions are still a thing
And I'm stuck there anyway
Everything remains the same
There is nothing I would know as real
Except what is fake

I don't like things to end

Today I met up with some friends
We had a good time
Playing board games and laughing
It was fun
And soon
It was over
It would be another week
Until I'd see them again
But in the meantime
I'd feel like I had no friends
So I left their house
With a heavy heart
Going back in time to when I was a little girl
Begging my mother in tears
"Just five more minutes, please!"
But now I just had to deal
It was over
And that was it
Sadness eating me
I wished I enjoyed it more when it happened

I have this friend
And boy, her life is hard
Compared to her mom
My dad is normal
Her dad died
About two years ago
And she has autism
What a life

I invited her over today
To play some board games with friends
And then sleepover
And she said yes
She also said that tomorrow was her birthday

I want to be a good friend
But I don't know what to do
Talking to her is hard for me
I want to ask her about her life
But I don't want to make her uncomfortable
I want to laugh
But I don't know what about

I want to make it fun for her
She deserves it, after all
But how?

I will do my best
It's all I can do
But I'm still stressed
Though I don't want to

I am shivering
I am not cold

I am in the bathroom
I don't need it

I can't breathe
It isn't my asthma

I am exhausted
I can not sleep

I am lonely
But I won't text anyone

I am crying
I don't know why

I fear I will die
Nothing real is killing me

My stomach is grumbling
I won't eat

Right now
Life kind of *****

You think that you are happy by yourself
Until you make wonderful friends
Then you can't stand to be alone again
But to make those friends
Is the tricky part
And it can be a lot more than tricky
So best of luck
I believe you will figure it out in the end

I broke a glass
It fell on the floor
Shattered into little pieces
Scattered everywhere
I said sorry to it
But the glass is still broken
Hmm
Interesting

I step on the floor
Got a piece of the glass in my foot
Throbbing pain
I said sorry it
But my foot sill bled
So odd

Dad,
One apology isn't enough
I'm still broken and bleeding

Maybe take out some super glue
It might improve my condition a little
But I will never truly be the same

Loud music
The bass shaking the ground and my mind
Loads of people dancing around
Shouting "ay, ay, ay!"
Bright lights spinning
Dizziness

The music is too loud
Too many people crowded around
Lights moving too fast
Everything seems like it is closing in on me
And collapsing

I want to be skinned alive
Until I'm just a floating soul
bouncing around in the air
I want it all gone
The scars remind me
I'm not nearly enough strong

Loud thoughts spread
Like a virus in my mind
Spreading
Spreading
To every shred of my being
Telling me I deserve to bleed
I deserve to die
What the **** is wrong with me
Why
Why
Why

"A rising star" said the certificate of honor
I guess they were right
Stars are meant to burn
Until they explode
After all

And maybe I'm just being dramatic
Like my dad always said
Maybe it is just in my head

I know others have it worse than me
I know I can be quite annoying
Quite needy
I just love so deeply
Everything I do
Is done that way
It reminds me of when I had the knife
The blood pouring signed that I had done that deeply too
In a drawer in my bedroom is a bloodstained cloth that screams the same thing
So loudly

I'm not usually loud
I'm the kid so doesn't talk that much at school
The one who just takes the rage out in the form of doodles on the back of papers with dull pencils during class
And with sharp objects at night

"They aren't answering, they hate you"
"You're not talking enough"
"You're talking too much"
"They're definitely mad at you"
My head monster, Fred, shouts
So loud
So loud
So loud
I hate loud
I hate me

I try to reason with him
Tell him everything he's thinking is a lie
But despite it he just continues
"Die
Die
Die"

And so I hold the razor
"Bleed
Bleed
Bleed"
He continues

And I wish I knew
What I did
To deserve this

All humans do
Is to result in happiness
We do everything in our power
“Once I get __ I will finally be happy”
We think
Then after a while
we get it
And we may be happy for a bit
Then it's over
And we want something else
“If only I had it!”
And it starts all over again

I feel betrayed
I thought we were a group
We would stick together
Forever
And we would see eachother every week
As long as we wanted to
How dare you leave
I didn't agree
I feel betrayed
I heard it from my mother
You didn't even bother to tell me

My father will never change
Though I need him to
People still feel like they are in a cage
But it's 2024
The world is going down hill
We should be getting better
We discriminating still
I thought we were over that already
Wars are a current problem
Though it's studied in history notebooks
So many people feel numb
Children and adults
We are destroying the earth
Though we claim to love it
Some people think that they don't have worth
But they are the most precious ones

These are just some unfortunate truths

If the world
Lost it's poetry, art, music, dance, stories, books, and performing
I think
The population would be cut in half
And those 4 billion people left
Would be miserable

I image life without them
As unlivable

Take your dominant hand
And put it on your heart
Say to yourself
"You're not alone"
Because you aren't

Think about how many other people
From all around the world
Who did this while reading this very poem
How they came to it
How they came to this website
And wonder what's going on in their world

I dress pretty feminine I guess
I mean I think I do
But the thought of being called a them makes me smile too

I love dresses
They're comfortable
I feel confident
Or at least more than I do in sweatpants
But sometimes I hate the circular things on my chest
Part of me wishes they were something else
But I'm a girl
Yes yes
Probably

Yeah
I love putting eyeshadow on
The colors make me happy guess
But then again
Part of me really wants to cut my hair short
Have a deep voice
And when someone calls me a she
The tiniest part of me wishes I wouldn't be
Probably nothing right?

But I don't really know
I don't think I'm right there in the middle
That's for sure
After all I like skirts
But I also sit like a guy sometimes
And it feels good
It feels in between
But no no no
I'm probably not
This is probably nothing
Probably

Most of me loves my name
I mean I know it's pretty
It's a vine
It's beautiful
It's nature
I love nature
But it's so feminine
But I guess it's okay
It's probably okay
I think this is fine
Whatever
I'm probably overreacting anyway
I don't need this now too

I'm a girl
That's what I've always been
Probably
Probably
Probably

I am in my body
I am in my mind
How come I am not the one who decides?

Perfect doesn't mean without imperfections
Because imperfections are lovely
Perfect means that I wouldn't have to you any other way
So when you say you're not perfect
Because you've made some "mistakes"
I want to cry
Because those mistakes are beautiful
Because they are part of you
And you my friend,
Are perfect

Stay extraordinary,
I love you

I want to distract myself
Not think about the horrors that keep me awake at night
Memories replaying
Over and over again

But the hurt silently shouts to me
"You can't drown me out"

If you cry, dear
I'll let you
Hold you in my arms
Tell you that you'll be alright
I'll collect your teardrops
And release them outside
On a dandelion seed
And say
"Look at the beauty your sadness created"

And maybe you'll say
"But it's a ****"

And then I'll respond
"But I love and want it in my garden
It's beautiful
And so stubbornly alive
Just like you
Because instead of dying
You cried
And now the world is more magical
Now the world is just more poetry"

And then we'll hold hands
And walk on the same earth
At the same time
And think about how many more dandelions we can grow
If we keep on existing

And we do
And we laugh
And we cry
And we live
And we almost die
But we don't
Because we need to tell more weeds they're beautiful

Poetry is like when you're listening to music
And you suddenly remember there's a volume button
So you make it louder
Everything just seems better
And more exiting

The simplest thing
Like a leaf falling from a tree
Or a smile
Is now fascinating
And all you can think of that day

The biggest, scariest things
Like trauma, abuse, and loss
Are validated
And take up less space in your mind

You start to think differently
Or more
You start to really think


People are different
People have different problems
After you read their poem
You can start to understand them
Or maybe yourself
It makes you love words
And the way it helps us empathize with eachother
And really see eachother

Poetry is for the things we struggle to say outloud
Our deepest thoughts
What we believe is up with the world now
It's another way of communication
For those of us who have thoughts we can't speak
Or we don't even realize we have

The year is almost over
The worst one I ever had

The year is almost finished
And it will never again make me mad

The year will fly away soon
And it will never come back

I hope that when it leaves
It takes my sorrow with it too
And it makes my life get back on track

When I was younger and it was rainy I didn't like to go outside
"Oh but it's messy
It's so cold
And I'll get soaked!!"
I thought
I was too worried about surviving to think about truly living

But every moment I get older I seem to appreciate rainy days more and more
For today when it was raining I went outside and jumped in puddles
Rubbed mud on my arms
Legs
Face
Not minding that there was dirt under my fingernails

I do not even call it messy anymore
I call it one with mother earth

The cold I once said I hated even seemed comforting for it reminded me that I was indeed alive

I wished it would rain harder
So I could be even more covered in authenticity
and so the sky could be reminded that there were some
Who loved the natural things she made
That there were some that didn't open their umbrellas to avoid her

When I was younger I didn't think about wearing shoes all that much
I wore them everyday, everywhere
I suppose I was more worried about not angering my father
Then truly living

But now I go barefoot in my backyard so I can feel the grass under my feet
So I can stand on Earth

It's so simple
"Standing on earth"
But I take so much pleasure in it
I take so much pleasure in the removing the barrier between us
Me and mother nature

I think who I am now is partly letting my survival-focused inner child out
Because she was too worried to splash around in puddles

I walk in the hallways
And I hear someone say
"This is the worst day of my life"
And we just had class together
And I know
Someone stole a pencil of his

I can't help but wonder
How could it be
That for someone it might be losing a pencil
And some it might be getting beat really bad one day
seeing a parent being put in jail, maybe leave
Or seeing your father say he wants to die
And get on his knees crying and shouting
In the middle of the street
Oh why
Oh why

If you look at me in school
You wonder
Why is she so quiet?
What is she even looking at?

If you meet me out of school you wonder
Why won't she stop talking?
Why does she not take anything seriously?

But the thing is
If you know me
The real me
I promise you
If you ask
Or sometimes don't
I'll tell you
The truth
So you won't have
To wonder
Anymore

Something I did
When I was younger
While I was feeling good
Was I would send my future self love
For when I needed it most
For when things were just too much
I would tap the back of hand
And it was sent
And to receive it
I just had to tap again
And though there's no way
That a little movement of hand could do so much
But it really felt that way
At least I was there for me
And that was a comfort

My eyes are wide
From every terrible thought that comes to mind

My eyes are filled with tears
From holding them in

My eyes are red
From barely any sleep

And my eyes are tired
Because they have to make it through the day and again

I'm glad it's dark
So no one can see them

Walking in the crowded hallways
The teens yelling
Banging
Talking
Shouting
All of these sounds
Coming from all directions
Making me feel small
And claustrophobic
Suddenly my clothes are too tight and too loose
And my hair is itchy on my neck
Overwhelming urge to scream and run away
To be alone in my bedroom
Where its quiet at least
But no
I need to go to my next class
That I'll forget about as soon as the test is finished
Or maybe before
I don't know

Do you know that feeling(less)
Where you feel all the emotions at once
But yet
Feel none at all

Like you can't cry
But are choking back tears

Like you never want to open your mouth
But you do want to scream

And like you want to curl up and die
But also get out of the house and live?

Isolation contaminates my entire being until I'm nothing but a smelly lump underneath blankets trying to hide from scary thoughts

But somehow I'm already there and it still eats me

They tell me I'm mature
That they forget I am a young teen when they talk to me
Or look at me
That I think far too much
And far too deeply
For someone just in middle school

And though
I know that they say it with love
But it is sad to me
For I was not born this way
Things had to shape me
And make me grow up quicker than I should have

I had to be the responsible person
Way too often
I had to comfort my father as if he was my child
I had to learn to analyze people
To keep myself safe

I have always wished I was older
So this wouldn't be weird
But I also wished I would be younger
So I could be carefree for once

Self awareness kills me slowly
I fear I have too much

A prompt in ELA
"Perfect Day"
While everyone started their paragraphs about what their perfect days would look like
With watching TV
And going to the mall
I wrote a poem about how they don't exist
Because she didn't say not to

It went something kind of like this:


There is no such thing as a perfect day
Even if everything goes your way
And you get to sleep in
You eat your favorite food
The sky is blue
Not it's usual gray
And all of your morbid thoughts
Put away

Even if you
Spend the day alone in solitude and peace
Or with your friends
And loved ones
And if you buy a pony
Or win the lottery
Or just smile the whole day
It will never be a perfect day

Because as you lie in bed that night
Or maybe you think about it the whole day
Tomorrow will not be the same
And the sky will return to its gray
And the thoughts flooding back in
And the peace--gone

If we all different
That means we're all the same

If we are dumb
That means
Thinking we are smart and being wrong
Is easy

If we all think outside of the box
We all think inside the box

They say good always beats evil
So when we grow up
We get disappointed again and again

the clock ticks forward
you think it's too fast
you want to slow it down
somehow make it last

Your voice wants to be heard
To be more than just air to no avail
Because it speaks truth
It is beautiful

sometimes you swallow your words
you forget to be loud
but your optimism shines through
even the darkest cloud

It makes people realize
That maybe
They're not the only ones

Make them look to the left and see you
Struggling too
Living
And laughing and crying

Those words are more than air
Because air can't possibly feel this much like a hug
Like the feeling when you finally find a tree
And you just embrace it

You're that tree Elena
Like the one from your poem
It was swaying in the wind
Letting life move it beautifully

You reach up like the tree too
And you dare to say that there is a way
Always

And are trees just gray?
No
They are so beautiful
And their colors are so vibrant and beautiful and poetry

you are a burst of color
amidst clouds of gray
your words bring joy
to people every day

You are not just gray, Elena, like you said
I think they're right there, always
Even if they're hard to spot
They appear at every smile you make possible
And every beautiful word you write

you give your advice
to people you don't know
you brighten their days
but forget to go slow

But it isn't your responsibility, dear
You don't always have to be the tree for everyone
Eventually it gets claustrophobic when there are so many things
That you don't get sunlight for yourself

you are an amazing soul
with a wondrous light
when life kicks you down
you put up a fight

dearest girl,
You deserve it
You deserve all of it
The sun
And rich soil
The love
The warmth of the hug
And a break from it

You deserve it all

How can it be "all in my head" when I think everyone is mad at me
But real when I'm questioning if my trauma actually happened

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

On the hardest nights
that you go outside
When you can’t breathe
Can’t stop shaking
And you look up at the sky
Desperate to feel better

For the vines to soften their grip
For the monster to hold your hand
And you see something bright up there
Something you didn’t even know you needed
A star
You
And suddenly
Its magic makes everything okay again
For a moment the blood stops pouring
Just to marvel at the brightness

But the star is all the way up there in the sky
And no matter how many time you shout how much you love them
They never get to truly know how much they saved your life
Sometimes even
They think that their brightness is too much
Hated

And they want to stop their beautiful burning
In fear that it is too much of something beautiful
That they don’t truly understand how beautiful it is
And that it can’t be too much

Dearest star,
You are never going to be too gay for us
Love is poetry after all
Love is all of your unfinished poems to your unfinished story
And just know that we love you
So so much

Just perfect

And I know,
Depression blocks that all out
It whispers everything you don’t need to hear
It tells you you’re not enough
But sweetheart
We are so lucky that the cloud moved
And that we get to marvel at you

so fold the paper crane
but don't you dare call it wrong
fold the peach paper
into a shape as magnificent as you
but don't cut it anymore
it is already stained red

and make people happy without losing your shine
glow as bright as your heart desires
you can please people
without losing yourself in their storm clouds
you are too bright a star
to dim yourself to their darkness

And of course, you may not be blue eyed barbie
but you are beautiful in your own way
you are a meteor shower
and believe me, that's so much better
a rare phenomenon
a magical occurrence

Every scar
Ever ***** up
Every tear
All of it
Is beautiful
and whatever you wish
just know you cannot be extinguished

One of my friends asked me
"Do you think I'm a good person"
My first instinct was to tell her
"Yes, of course!"
But then I remembered
There's no such thing
I explained to her that I believed
In bad actions
Bad intentions
But not bad people
Because who knows who they would have been if raised even slightly differently
And if it's not because of that
And they're simply born that way
It isn't their fault they are like that
Just bad luck

I say that her intentions are usually good
And so because of that
She should feel that way too

There are 8,191,420,825 people as of now
And we are all thinking
We are all breathing
And we are all feeling
As long as we are alive

Some are happy right now
Just got married
Just made a friend

And some at their saddest
For their parents just died
Or they found out their partner lied

Some think about life and death
And some about what they're eating for breakfast

But all of us are thinking
Its insane

The happiest poem
But underneath it
A one full of despair

The happiest person
But next to it
One losing hope

We are so different
Yet the same
We all have names
Names and beliefs
Beliefs and truths
Truths and weaknesses
Weaknesses and strengths

It's crazy to think about it
Honestly

Tell me about your problems
Not that serious but I listen
Glad to of course
Honerd that you wanted to speak to me

But then you went and ruined it

I wanted to say something about myself and you said
"But it doesn't relate to me "

Some people let themselves see the world black and white and I understand why
Good, or bad person is easy to say
But a scientific fact is that there are 65,534 shades of gray
Take a moment to think of that if you may

So when I go in the that therapy office and one of the first things I hear is
“You know your dad isn't a **** person, Ay?”
What I want to say is he is one of those shades of gray
Only what I do is a polite smile and nod, waving it away

Some things can't even be measured
No matter the time and effort
So is he even a shade of gray?
To wrack your brain out, in addition to the tiresome day

Some people let themselves see the world black and white, and I understand why
Saves so much energy and confusion
And maybe they were partially right
For the ones who can save themselves, this might be the best way