Pinching myself is
Not enough for me right now
I need to see blood

Everyone needs to shut up
Too loud
Too loud
Too loud for my mind

I hear the lights buzzing
The talking
And the poisonous thoughts my head is feeding me on a sharp knife
I swear they could ****
Either way I don't feel stronger now

I'm too weak
Too weak
Too weak for this world
I don't know how much more I can handle
Before I implode

The air is too thick
Too thick
Too thick for my lungs
I can't breathe
Everything is too much

Sure
I may be young
But I still have memories

Sure
I may be young
But I'm not stupid

Sure
I may be young
But I understand so much more than you think

Sure
I may be young
But the horrors of the world no longer shock me

Sure
I may be young
But I've seen a lot

Sure
I may be young
But that doesn't mean
I need to respect you
and you can't respect me

"Here, have a piece."

"Okay, but just a little one. I'm not hungry."

He hands me a half of the pastry
I rip off a third of that
And eat it
Even though I don't want to
I just don't want to make him mad

I hand back the rest of it

"Finish it"
He pushes

"I can't, I'll feel sick"
I explain

"Please Liana
It's not that much"
He tries

"But it'll make me throw up"
I plead

"It won't. Eat it."
He says

I can feel the rubber band pulling
His anger stretching
I'm afraid he'll snap

I eat the rest of it
And feel sick the whole day

Didn't eat lunch or dinner
And never again
Will be willing to eat that pastry

Don't ask me
Why I don't want to go out to eat with you
You ruined it for yourself

All my life
I had strived to be normal

Once I finally move to this new school
I will be normal
...I wasn't

Once I style my hair differently
I will be normal
...I wasn't

Once I join this club
I will be normal
...I wasn't

I never was
No matter the rules I made
The clothes I wore
The school I went to

No matter how many how many YouTube videos on how to make friends I watched
The techniques I tried
And the books I read

Now
Only now
Do I finally accept
And take pride in
The fact that I am weird


Now
I try to find
Other weirdos like me
And make them my friends
Instead of the copy pasted people

I am weird
But I am weird
In a good way

Dear, if you are cold
I will knit you a sweater
From every strand of my heart

Dear, if you are scared
I will knit another one for the monsters in your head
And together we'll hope
That the warmth will help to make the wounds hurt a little less for them
So they won't have to squeeze as hard
And they can just gently hold your hand

And then maybe
We can all hold hands together
Watch the world
And do nothing but be alive

My dear friend, if you feel like you're poetry
And the world doesn't even know their letters
I will write a book with you
From the pages of soul

Dear, if you feel alone
I'll show you that book
So you'll finally know

Will you knit a sweater for my monsters?

I refuse to laugh
Just because that's what they do
I'll just observe leaves

Lying on the bed
My friend sound asleep on the other side
And her cat that runs away from family comes
And lays next to me
Rubbing against me
Asking me to pet her

It makes me feel okay
It makes me feel home

Everything
Is at least
A little bit better

I'm telling you
Cats always know

.

      My                            I’m
   Cat is                         Lucky
  My baby.                   To have
And I will                 Such a good
Always love him a, loving, adorable,
Comforting, and amazing cat. He
  has been there for me ever since
    I remember. I am dreading the
     Day he dies. He was there to
         Comfort me for the death
           Of my two dogs. Love
                  Him endlessly.
                 Yes, he’s crazy

             Yes, he's steals food

           Yes, he scratches his skin

         Yes, he stinks up the house    

    But honestly it doesn't matter to me

None of that matters to me at all because

He realizes I’m crying and comes to make
  Sure I’m okay

    He brings me very  suspicious presents

        He makes me laugh on bad days

                      He is my friend

                               He is my
                               Crazy,
                              Amiable,
                   ­             Cute,
                                Bright,
      ­                          Loyal,
  Cat                         Lively,
  Brave                  Witty,
     And              Charm-
         Caring,       Ing,
                  Loving,

The people on the pages
Of those books that I hold close to my heart
Smell like home,
And are the light in the dark of my mind
Are so much better
Than the ones I know
In real life

My dad asks me
Why I don't want to go eat out with him

I want to say
"Do you not know?"

I say
"Because I can't leave if I want to"
Which is also true

Then he starts arguing with me
Yelling
Crying
Manipulating

So I say
"You know
What's great about
Phone calls?
...
There's a big
Beautiful red button
That makes them end"

Then I proceeded to use it

Felt good

On my nighttime walks
I always see planes flying by
Soaring up ever so high in the sky

I think about the
Many, many people
up there in that plane
going somewhere
for some reason

And how
whenever I leave a place on a plane
I wave goodbye

maybe I wave goodbye to the country
or state
but I think
I'm waving goodbye to the theoretical stranger
who's waving bye back at me

So when I see the plane
soaring up in the sky

I lift my hand as high as I can
and wave
jumping up and down

I wonder if they're wondering
if someone is waving back

anyhow,
I know that they don't know
it's me

I am the only one who knows
But I guess not anymore
because now you do too

So,
If you're ever flying over NJ
Just know
That there's a chance I'm waving at you

The feeling
In your chest
Of something pulling it inside of itself
Twisting it
Twisting it
Twisting it
Until it bleeds
It throbs
And it won't stop
It won't stop
Why won't it just stop?

But do you know the feeling
Of just wanting someone to notice
To care
To heal the wounds or at least tell me that they are able to be healed
That a certain amount of care
A certain amount of gentle, loving handling will be able to fix it

There is so much broken
And it hurts
It hurts like hell and no one sees
I AM BLEEDING IN FRONT OF THEM
AND THEY STILL DON'T SEE

I sit in class
Stare at my empty paper
Write the same words
Over
And
Over
And
Over
And they hand me a test
Or they talk about drama
Or they pretend I don't exist (are they even wrong?)
When I just needed a hug

I needed to wrap my arms around someone
And no longer feel like I was on a different planet than everyone else while simultaneously being directly next to them
I want our bodies to touch,
Our souls to entangle,
And our heartbeats to slow eachother down

And now I hug my pillow

I know I have people who care
But they don't see
And if they don't see
They won't have a reason to hug me

And my chest is still twisted
I want it to stop
I want it to stop
I want it to stop

H
     e
         l
               p
      

        M
    e

There are so many things I need to get done
And there is both too much time that I feel I can delay it
And not enough to get it done

I remember one night
As clear as day

It all started when I watched a movie
The dog has died
And it reminded me of mine

I let myself sob
I knew my mom would only come back late
And my dad wasn't truly there

So I cried and cried
Distracted myself by watching more
And cried again

When she got back
She came with me in bed
As I sobbed


Soon enough
She said "it's time to sleep!"
And that's when I realized
I couldn't stop to weep
And it wasn't just that
I couldn't breath
I was shaking
I realized
It was a full blown panic attack

Unable to stop
Already 3am
My mom not knowing what to do anymore
She said "If you don't stop
I'll have to take you to the hospital"

A nightmare

Scared out of my mind
Knowing that's the last thing I wanted
I went to the bathroom
And took a cold shower

It was cold
And miserable
I hated it so
But after collecting myself a bit
I was able to sleep
A terrible sleep though


I've had nights
Feeling so physically ill
But I know
Nothing will ever
Compare to that night

I was only like 9
But I'm telling you
I was so ready to just crumble up
And die

IwishIcouldhugthemallofthepeoplewhoeverhadtofeelthisawfulawfulfee­lingoflonelinessandunwillingnesstomoveortalkoropentheireyes Iwanttotellthemthatit'sokaythey'reokaythey'renotalonetheyaren'tth­eonlypersonhavingapanicattackinthebathroomtheyweren'tthe onlyoneswhofeelthisbadandIwanttoheartheir storiesandIwantthemtohearmineIwishwecouldallgotoafarawaylandawayf­arfromtheruinersoflivesandthethingsthatmakeyouwanttocommitsuicide­Iwanttotellthemthey'renottheonlyoneswhofeelthekeyboardintheirmind­isglitchingmakingnopunctuationorspaceforabreakfromthought

They don't understand
The reason I'm not crying
Not sobbing
And not yelling
Is because I am writing
"Liana, go to sleep!"
They tell me harshly
But it's what keeps me sane
Let me write
It doesn't hurt anyone
It's the only thing
That can calm me down

"I don't deserve anything"
She says
Tears pouring down her cheeks
Like little pieces of her soul

Were they claustrophobic
Or is there a hole where they should be now?

"You deserve everything
That's just Fred"
I tell her while caressing her back
Trying desperately to soothe the pain

"What?"
She says with a break in her voice that hurts to hear
I wish I could all of her's

"Fred is that monster in your head that tells you exactly what you don't need to hear"

"I hate Fred
And I hate me"
She says
I hear the desperation in her voice

"You're my friend
And I love you
Which means that I have to love Fred too
Because he is a part of you

Fred is just pain
He's often forced into these small nooks and cranny's in your mind
But it's dark and scary in there
He thinks he's helping you
And feels he has to come out sometimes

He's just bruised and broken
And that's fine
We all are
I still love you"

She says that she doesn't
She says she wants to die
I know how the world looks right now in her eyes
And it's not beautiful

I tell her that I'm there for her always
And that she's wonderful
That the world is awful and ugly
But also stunning

I tell her that those people don't know her
And that those words in that letter might have hurt her
But do not define her
And that some other ones might even comfort her

And after many more tears,
A coconut ice cream,
Some comfort food with a comfort show,
And a warm embrace,
Fred finally held her hand
And maybe,
She hated him a bit less
By the end

I don't wake up in time
My mom is yelling at me
Loudly
But she doesn't even notice what she's doing
Or she doesn't care

I can't be yelled at by her
My eyes are beginning to water
My chest is getting tight
My tired cold body gets tense
I can't go to school like this
Not now at least

"Mom, can I go to school a bit late today?"
"No"
She says
She yells some more
I still think she doesn't know that she's yelling
"Mom, you're yelling"
I say calmly as tears leak out of my tired eyes
All I hear is anger and
Disappointment because her daughter is acting like someone her age and not someone who seems especially mature

"Liana, if you need to go to school late
You need professional help"

She means a psych ward
And I know it

No, no, no
Fear spreads through me like a virus
It takes control
It makes me power off
My screen is glitching
I don't work anymore

If I want to act like someone my age who got 3 hours of sleep I need to go to a mental hospital where I won't go to school at all?

As I get up out of bed
Run to the bathroom
To cry

I brush my teeth
Wash my face from the tears
But new ones spill out
They won't stop coming
It's a thunderstorm
It's been brewing for a while

Come back to my room
My mom in there doing something
I step into my closet to change

What am I doing?
She's your mother
she's your sane parent.
So many would wish for one like her
I think

After arguing
Crying
Explaining
She says
"I'll take you to school after my shower"
And now I'm writing

I can't go to school like this
I'm a thin plate
Just waiting to break
And school likes throwing things like me
So I'll split into a million little pieces
And maybe never put me back together

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think they need to be dead
To cause fear
And horror stories

They can make things happen
That should never happen
And make people see things
That they shouldn't see
Even when they're breathing
And their heart is pumping their cold blood

I do believe in ghosts
But they don't haunt houses
They haunt minds

They screech open the doors
To anxiety and panic
Making a terrible noise
In my heart

You feel as if they're in the halls of your very being
Watching you
Maybe even controlling you
Whispering loud enough
So that only you can hear

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think that they can walk through walls
Because people right next door
Have never seen the same ghost that haunts me
They can only hear
Pleas
And screams
When it jumps at me

I do believe in ghosts
Because I have one
That haunts me

Doctor said
I just need rest

Came back a year later
Still messed up in the head

Doctor said
Just drink more water

Came back two years later
After I took a test and it said I was depressed

Doctor said
I'd be fine
I just needed a therapist

Came back one year later
After 4 of them
Not feeling the best

Doctor finally said
There's a problem
And set me up with a psychiatrist
To give me meds

I hope I won't need to come back again

You say good day sunshine

I say bad day and now it's nighttime

I still have so much to get done
And I'm angry
At myself
My teachers
My "friends"
My "dad"
And the world

In and out
Out and in
Trying to catch my breath
Stop my momentary calm from flying away
But they escape me

I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I tell myself
But I can't breathe
And tears are rolling down my cheeks
I don't feel that way at all

My head will explode soon
Or collapse in on itself
I don't know what to do
And this was all just caused by living
And doing the simple things it requires
Why can't I seem to do them?
I everyone else do it
It shouldn't be this hard

I can't breathe

Help
But don't look at me
Hear me
Or tell me lies
Actually
Just go away

If you cry, dear
I'll let you
Hold you in my arms
Tell you that you'll be alright
I'll collect your teardrops
And release them outside
On a dandelion seed
And say
"Look at the beauty your sadness created"

And maybe you'll say
"But it's a ****"

And then I'll respond
"But I love and want it in my garden
It's beautiful
And so stubbornly alive
Just like you
Because instead of dying
You cried
And now the world is more magical
Now the world is just more poetry"

And then we'll hold hands
And walk on the same earth
At the same time
And think about how many more dandelions we can grow
If we keep on existing

And we do
And we laugh
And we cry
And we live
And we almost die
But we don't
Because we need to tell more weeds they're beautiful

Who needs Zoloft, Lexapro, or Prozac
When you have dancing in the pouring rain
Being angry
With the sky
Screaming
with the thunder
Crying of the purest joy
Along with the drops of rain
A splashing around
like the child you didn't get to be
Would have wanted to
In puddles

Suicide
Parents dying
Crying
Crying
Crying

We're too young for this

Scissors cutting into skin
Not eating or eating too much
Kids raising parents

We're too young for this

Panic attacks
Everlasting loneliness
I pull off skin
They pull out hair

We're too young for this

Body dysmorphia eating so many alive
Social media getting them addicted and ruining their limited time
Feeling empty inside

We're too young for this

Psych wards
Abuse
People killed from war
War is old but it continues to destroy homes

We're too young for this

Sleepless nights
Death is a joke now
And so is autism

We're too young for this

Drug prevention lessons every week
It started in 6th grade
They don't help though at all

We're too young for this

Barely even teens
What happened to us?

I could like whatever I wanted to like

My dad got upset as he always did
Usually something unpleasant for me
Until I decided that it was simply funny
And that I got a kick out of it
And though this was not true
It helped a bit


It was raining and I was walking home from school
Soaked and miserable
Until I decided I liked to walk in the rain
And the rest of the walk went by
---no pain!


I had tripped and fell
Bleeding and trying not to cry
Until I decided that people just decided that pain was a bad thing
So I told myself that I enjoyed it
And it helped a bit

Of course
Sometimes I feel cursed
Because of my mother's job
For she plays music
Professionally
She plays trombone

Never a routine
Always schedule based on shows

No sleep
The gig ends at 2am and there's a flight to catch at 4

No social interaction
With anyone my age

And pressure
To be a talented musician

But also
I think it's worth it for

The moment I watch her solo
Go crazy and show her soul
I get to think to myself
"****, that's my mom out there!"

I get to play on stage
Big audiences watching
Or more
Listening

Meeting people
From all over the world
With so many stories to share

And see her
Be a role model
For young girls who really want to be like her

I remember a teacher telling my mother
That I was
"One sweet cookie"
And she was right

My father was the scorching tea

He grabbed from my comfortable bag
Loved me in his
"Unique way"
Left me soft
Feeling like it was finally olay
Then
Took a big bite
With his ***** mouth
And broke me

And after all of that
He thinks he can just buy a new pack

How wrong
Can he be...

We were at a dinner table
Yes a dinner table
It's crazy
And as I sat there laughing
My heart felt a sharp pain looking around;
Two kids
A mom
A dad
They called eachother babe
They loved eachother

And I know things are so far from perfect there too
But at that moment I wished that would be my life
But then they drove me back home
To my empty house
Where I cried alone

I don't know what I did to deserve this

I don't know how it will be
I fear it will be hard for me
I know it's anxiety filling to act socially

Thinking of topics for conversation
For small talk is exhausting
What to do?
How to act?
How open to be?
I fear that those nights
Will be ones without sleep

I want an idea
Of the way things will work
I find it hard to picture

Its been months
And I know I was so vulnerable
When she last saw me
The places we were
Brought back such terrible, terrible, memories

I want to be lighter
And more fun to be around

This time I plan to eat
And maybe hide my hands a bit more
But it's hard
When you have to play trumpet with them
And she's observant
I'm not used to that either

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
For most
They cause pain and suffering
And for the lucky some
They hold your hand in hard times
Sing to you lullabies
Make your mother happy,
Not the reason she cries
They help you with your homework
And they work hard
They can control their anger
Raise their kid
Be responsible
Be kind
Care
Try
Respect that you are adolescents
And most of all
BE YOUR PARENT

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
I know that some are good
Which I admit
Gives me jealousy

Thoughtswhat'sarewrongpilingwithover,mystopheadnow

In my head
I have this mantra
For anytime I feel uncomfortable
Or sad
Or just plain bad

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home

The saddest part
Is that I say it in my own house

I am here on earth
Technically

I am in my mind though constantly
And that's the reality

Unfortunately
Being in your head
When it clearly hates you
Is exhausting

The overthinking
Doubting
Repeating that same words over and over again
Guilt for things you didn't do
Morbid thoughts about someone killing your family
Intrusive thoughts about stepping on to the road

"They're not realistic"
You tell yourself
But still inside believe that they could be



It's like if you always were eating the same food
Everyday
Every second
And you don't like it
It makes you feel sick

I feel sick
All
The
Time

Both mentally
And physically

Please release me from my head
My hands hurt from trying to break the bars
But don't do it like I do
Where I end up kind of not feeling anything at all

"Is this because you are a part of me?"
I wonder
Maybe
Maybe not

When I see my bleeding skin
I think of you
How you did this too

When I cry
I think of you
How it's your fault

When I see a good father
I think of you
And how I'll never get that too

When I think of that big tree on what used to be my front yard
I think of you
And how you kicked me and my mom out

When I feel depressed and terrible
I think of you
And how you're proof that it doesn't always get better

Even now
Many many years later
I still feel like the 2nd grader who sat under the slide and carved shapes into the mulch during recess
Sitting there
Watching everyone be normal
And just thinking thoughts

I hate when people say
"No one asked"
It makes whoever it is said to
Just feel so bad
For trying to share whatever they wanted to share
To the world
Why are people so cold?

I hate when people say
"No one cares"
How is it a thing
Said so casually in conversation?
What if it's someone's greatest fear?
And then they get told that
For talking
Like that helps anything
Or anyone
Ever

So if anyone says this
I'll just give them a glare
And I'll say to the victim
"They should speak for themselves because I'm listening
And I care"

I would prefer
That he would seem completely
Bad

But I got a really confusing mix
That makes me head go crazy

He knows how to manipulate
Without seeming manipulative

Word things
So that you can't say no

And tell you untrue statements
Until you feel you don't even know what you know

But he does it in a way
That looks ever so innocent

He does it in a way that looks as if
he's in the right
Like the victim to an unheard of crime

It confuses me
And though I know he's wrong
And that he lies
It messes up my mind
All the time

I would prefer
That he would look completely
Bad
Than whatever this is

Airports are so interesting
Everyone is going somewhere

But some are going to funerals
Some baby showers

Some to visit their families for a couple days
And some forever

Some waiting for them is only their dog
Some a whole big family just waiting to give them a hug

Some get picked up or dropped off by strangers
Because they have no family left

Some get picked up by their parents
Which some love a lot
Or love less

Probably
Someone will die in their trip

Probably
Someone will have their baby
And maybe they'll be good parents
Or maybe not

Is it just me,
that finds this fascinating?

I look up at the ceiling fan
The brownish red wood of the five blades
Three bulbs shining down on me

It looks perfectly clean
Even kind of happy

Then I look at the other side of those blades
And I see dust
Grayness piling over eachother
On the other side of those blades
Is the silent suffering
Sometimes spilling over the edges
Though barely visible

If you don't look closely
You might have no idea
Plus, it doesn't really matter
It still fans you
And helps you feel good


Do you ever feel like the fan?
Or are you a person in this situation?
What do you notice?

Too many things to get done
They overflow my brain
Made me feel like I need to punch something
And walk
Walk far far away

I tell my mother
And plead
I know it's late
But I need this for me

She says
"Max four blocks"

I seem to teleport outside
It couldn't take a shorter amount of time for me to leave

I walk
Blast my music
And I take off my jacket
Even though it's cold
Even though it makes me shiver
I need to feel something
Even if that's all it is


Music intensifies
I want to run
And I'm done holding back
Acting normal
Acting calm
So I run
As fast as I can
Hands in the air
With the occasional spin

What a powerful feeling
The night is mine
The sky is on my side
And I can run

I smile
The most genuine smile
In weeks
Maybe months
While I cry

I
Feel
Alive

For the first time
In what feels like forever

Step one:
Roll up your sleeves so they won't get wet because of you

Step two:
Wash your hands

That first night
When I lost him
I went to my backyard
Looked up at the stars
Picked one and decided
That was my dog Sandy

On my hands and knees
I cried to it hours
Outside in the cold
Asking why he left me
To face this world
Alone

I told him
How id never forgive him
But please come back
I miss you so much
It's all I ask

I made sure he knew
That I was sorry I didn't walk him that day
That I wish he would be there on my bed
Lying next to me
That I miss his bad breath
And even his high-pitched barks

My mom comes to get me
Also in tears
"What can I do?"
She asks
"Bring him back"
I answer

And now
Whenever I miss him
I pick a star
And using my mind
I talk to him again
Knowing that he doesn't actually hear me
But still taking comfort in it

Maybe I'm so used
To the oblivious
That it's strange for me
To see the people who notice
And care

Is that why
When you asked me questions
I froze?

It's not that I don't want you to know
I just can't believe it
And don't expect it

I just need a moment
To shake it off
Before I tell

I'm sorry
I couldn't answer
I really didn't mean
To make you feel
Like you made me feel uncomfortable

I'm used to the ones
Who don't ask questions
And just ignore
Not the ones
Who think

Its hard for me
To speak about these things
Sorry

Ouch
It's so **** painful

I don't know what to do
With the pain

I don't know what to do
With the knowledge that I did it to myself

My thumbs bleeding
Throbbing as if my heart was right in there
Yelling at me
Judging me for what I did

The worst part
Is the next time I'll see a bump
I'll just do it all over again
Until it scars my heart and my body forever

I feel guilty
But I know it's mostly his fault
I got it from him
He gave it to me
I know he doesn't notice
Or worse
He doesn't care how he impacts me

But all I can feel now is
Ouch
Outside and in