There's work I shouldn't be doing
But work I will not do
Until it's the very last moment
And I have to

Whenever I want to keep a straight face
I silently sob in my head
"My dog is dead
My dog is dead
My dog is dead..."

Tomorrow
begins the end
Tomorrow
I sit alone again
Tomorrow
I pretend I care what I'm learning about
Tomorrow
I wake up early exhausted
Tomorrow
I spend hours doing busywork
Tomorrow
I have to keep myself together the whole day
Tomorrow
The struggle to keep my tears in continues
Tomorrow
I feel so lonely always
Tomorrow
Begins a whole week of this

Row
Row
Row your boat
Gently
Down the stream
Sadly
Angry
Unsurely
Merely
Life
Is but a dream

I've known him forever
I hate to be reminded of things that he did
And said

I hate when my head
Compares
Contrasts
Remembers him

But the problem is
I see him in everything
For he is my father

When I do things
I hear him
With his opinions
Manipulations
And I want to please him

I feel him watching me
Judging
Listening
It makes me angry

He is in my blood
My bones
No matter what I do

He's in my memories
My hometown
My mind

He haunts me all the time

He thinks I should want to see him
That being my father is enough
I let him down easy
I'm too scared to be tough
He might go crazy

My father said he loved me

Not the father you may have heard of
But the one who adopted me

And it was different than the way my abuser says he loves me
Because he treats my like a person he hates
But this 14 year old Trans dude who randomly said
"This one's mine"
Does

I love to chose my family

He showed up to my performance
He said he was proud
He didn't make a scene
He didn't yell
He didn't scream

He just hugged me
I hugged him

He cried
I cried

Hell I'm crying as I write this
I am so grateful for him

I know it's easier said than done,
But maybe instead of deporting children with brain cancer to Mexico to die
And depriving the depressed and suicidal meds
We just

Don't?

Instead of misgendering Trans people's passports
And denying people health care
We just

Love?

Could we possibly
Not encourage ******
And not cut down millions of trees in forests and parks
But just

Not ****?

I don't know,
Just a dream I guess

I love seeing the sunrise every morning in the car on my way to school
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my sadness

Despite me not wanting to rise myself
The sun rises each morning
And each morning it is beautiful
No matter what

I love seeing the sunset every night in my backyard
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my anger
Even though I sometimes want to shatter into tiny pieces
It still provides a beautiful and whole view

It sets despite how jealous I might be
Because the sun doesn’t give a **** about my jealousy

I love the sun

People are so strange

I was messaging one person on here
About some struggles that we both face
It was a pleasant, polite conversation
Very normal if you ask me

He asked me questions
And I answered and asks ones back
Normally

The thing that was weird
Was that when I said my age
(Honestly)
And he saw I was a child
He just said
"Bye bye"

That's okay with me
I don't talk to people who don't want to talk to me
I just didn't know children and adults couldn't have conversations
Oh well
Thanks for educating me

.    
         I                                    
            Love                              
              Stars,                  
                   They
                     Are so
                      Far, but
                       Feel so
                        Near. I love
                        The moon ,        
                         How it's    
                        Always
                        Changing
­                     But I hate
                  How
               I can't
          Sleep
      Ever

I wonder
What would happen
If people I knew saw my work

I think
My friends
Would be shocked
At what goes on in my head

And that my mom would cry
Both proud and sad

And my dad would either **** himself
Because he hates himself even more now
Deny and call me crazy
Or get mad

Sometimes I debate
Whether or not to show people

Sometimes
For the less personal poems
I show my mom
And she says
How I can try to publish them

Though I know they're not good enough
And that they might never be
Sometimes I wonder
What would happen
If I did
And they would read them

I hope that they won't
Completely change their opinion of me
That I've so carefully sculpted
And made sure was okay

The book probably called
"Silent Screams"
Wouldn't be so silent anymore

Proof that people have so many layers, and that we are all so beautifully complex and interesting:

Whenever I yawn as I get up from bed
I do a high pitched sequel
Because my old dog used to do that when I was younger
And I wanted to be like her

When I want someone to get something for me I always say "I can't reachhhh"
And stretch m out my arm
Even if it's on the other side of the house
Because once when I did that I made someone laugh as they were crying

Whenever I ask someone if they're okay
And they say they are
I always ask
"Do you promise?"
Because someone did that for me once and it made me feel so loved

I have a folder on Pinterest saved as
"Everything is alright sweetheart"
Full of strangers talking to the camera
Comforting the theoretical strangers watching
Because the very fact that someone would do that
Is enough to comfort me sometimes

Whenever I need help to do the simplest electronic-related task
I always ask
"Can you do magic pwease?"
Because it always makes one of my friends smile
And I would do so much for that

When I was younger I used to light a candle in my room
Close my eyes
And pray to the stars
To make things better
Because I knew that no god I wanted could put me through this pain

I reread old text messages every night
Over and over
To prove to myself that it's all in my head
And no one hates me
Because once when my friend told me she felt that way
I gave her that advice randomly
And I realized it was actually helpful

Some watched a movie
While the one I wanted to be awake was asleep

I thought to myself
"Really?
This is how you want the year to be?"

I wanted to start my year off walking
And running
And letting music move me
Which is the very best
And most infinite feeling

I want my year
To feel like my walks

They were whining about so many little things
They forgot why we were doing this

They forgot
How this is a congrats
For completing
The **** year
That was 2024

When a better time
To thinks about that
Then when high feeling
This powerful
Amazing way?

Every time you got better
I would make a mistake
I would think it might last
I would think maybe
Maybe this time it would stick
It was only false hope

Time and time again
The "new you"
Never lasted
In an unexpected instant
You switched back
Just when I thought you changed
False hope

I would rather never hope
Than have my heart crushed every time

"you need a father in your life"
He shouted at me

"Exactly" I say, choking back tears

Because I feel that days are all the same;
Boring
Dull
And lame

I ask all my teachers a question
"Would you mind telling me as many uses for a paperclip as you can name?"

The numbers ended up being
10, 5, 8, and 2
Uses for a paperclip

And after they were done
They asked why

The average adult can name 15
And the average kindergartener can name 60
Because as you get older
You ask less questions

"Can the paperclip be 100 feet tall and made of chocolate?"
"Can it be made of water and fit perfectly in a glass"
"Can it become president and pass laws?"

But society gets to the souls
The creativity
The curiosity
And discourages it
So that the only answers I were
"To clip paper"
And "as a bookmark"

Why can't I seem to enjoy things?
Why is my stupid brain always getting in the way?
I need it to shut up for once
Please
Please
Give me a break

Stop freaking out
These are just people
You are like them
Except not normal
I say to myself

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I repeat
Over
And over
I can't stop

I say it
Standing in my own house
On what are now my floors

Why does everything have to stress me out?
Why can't I just live?
It isn't that big of a deal

Mind filling
Flooding
Often for just living

Hatred at self
For picking
picking
My skin
And causing my own pain

I need a break from my head
It seems to hate me

Go away

My head hurts when I move
My brain hurts when I talk
And my heart hurts when I trust you

What if they weren't even silent
But no one cared to see where the sound came from?

What if they knew where it came from
But didn't care enough to fix it?

Oh brain
Please stop
...
I don't need anymore thoughts

My cat is
Purring
Sitting on any available laps
Meowing
Loving everyone
Eating everything
Going on any shoulders that he pleases
Rubbing against people

And then there's me
Taking a break and hiding in the bathroom
Sitting in silence
Fake smiling
Picking skin
Laughing when I see everyone else laugh
Avoiding going out
Or talking to people

Humans are supposed to be social
And cats are supposed to be independent
Yet
It seems that my cat is more social than me

More meds
And more meds
Keep growing and shrinking
Changing
But never helping
At least never helping enough
I don't think pills are the answer
I think I just need a new head
Or maybe itd be better if I were dead

Dear thoughts/brain,

I need a break
Please shut up
For me to love us
I need you to go away

Stop flooding my brain
Its overflowing
Soon it will explode
Please
I beg if you
Even just for a day
Take a hike
Or entertain yourself some other way

I know you like to watch me fall apart
Drown in your result
But it's too much today

Respectfully
Lock yourself  up
And throw out the key
For me

With mixed feelings,
You

I feel as though I am being watched
I know I'm not
No one can see through my eyes
No one can see through my head

You might think this scary
But it's not
I want to be watched
I want someone to know
That way
They can believe me
That way they can understand me

And I can stay silent

I may not know
What will happen to tomorrow
But I know
That someone is laughing now
That someone is sobbing now
And that I wish I could do either

I may not know
What to say always
But I know
That I was once younger
And that every second I am getting older

I may not know
If I'll die tomorrow
But I know
That someone will live

I may not know
Who will cry tomorrow
But I am certain
That someone will
And I hope
That the love I send them
That they don't know I'm sending them
Will go through

I may not know if they feel it
But I know that I hope the impossible things
I send strangers
Will go through
And I know
And that when I remember
I'll take it from the stranger who doesn't know that I know
Just in case

Out my window
Is darkness
Where there used to be light

Bare trees
Where there used to be colorful leaves

Houses
Filled with memories

And the sky
Holding nothing
And everything

I look up at it
Think of poetry
And wonder
All the whys

I look up at it
Try to find the star that I made my dog's the day he died
Try to feel okay
Try to be calm

I feel so small
Which is what I am
Just a microb
In this big
Scary world

I wonder
What the view
From their window
Looks like
For everyone else
In this very same neighborhood
Maybe even same street

Maybe looking at the same house
Same blade of grass
But seeing things entirely differently

Today
I am going back home
After a month
Of being on road
I really don't want to go
At home I feel so alone
Waiting for me is my nearly empty house
The hundreds of people I see daily that I don't care for
Don't talk to
Make me feel as small as a mouse
Waiting for me is my toddler of father
And the endless hours of work
All of the peace in my mind
Lit up by a torch
Waiting for me are the sleepless nights
Oh how ill miss performing and the people I met
The kindness that often cannot be found in my town in America
I don't want to go home

Walking in the snow
Cold and wet
Lugging your broken suitcase up hill
Can really get you out of your head

Poor young girl
I dared to cry
Little did I know
my dad would
“Try to make me feel better”

He would pull his shirt over his face
So I wouldn’t see his expressions
The things that make him human
But I would see his stomach
And I would see him chasing me around the house

“No!”
I would shout
I didn’t want the hug
I didn’t want the hug
I didn’t want the hug
He was scary

But I was little
And not so fast
So he would grab me

I was trapped
In my mind
In the house
And in his arms clutched against his bare, hairy chest

And maybe I never truly left there
Trying hard to believe that he was truly trying to help me
Trying to be okay
Trying to stop what he was doing from hurting me constantly
Trying
Trying
Trying

I have since recovered slightly
With meds, poetry, and therapy
but I still feel the squeeze of his hands sometimes
I still his chest hair against my neck
I still feel the fear of a switch
The fear that someone will get angry

I’m still a little trapped
And a little afraid to cry

You took my vision of the world
my childhood
And how I think
And crumbled it before me
You were just thinking of yourself
For yourself
You did these things
Manipulated me
Until I questioned myself
And what I could see
Often I didn't see you stabbing me
For you had taken my eye
An I for an Eye is what happened
Don't even try to lie

I have the urge to be one of the poetic person the universe has seen;
To show up to somebody's house unannounced with their favorite flowers and poems and chocolates so we can kiss in the rain and so we can talk about the very fact that despite the odds being against us, we both live in the same world at the same time

I want to send long handwritten letters
Ask what their love language is
Hold everyone's hand
And make sure everyone knows that my shoulder is theirs to lean on

I want to walk up a stranger who looks like someone Id want to be friends with
And ask to be penpals

I want to send people every song that reminds me of them
And write them poems about the conversations we had

I want to write all over bathroom stalls
To make every person feel so so loved
And ever so precious

Why is that so strange in our modern day world?

Good night dear stranger
I hope you manage to close your eyes
And your mind won't start it's terrifying show and tell

Good night dear stranger
I hope you can take a breathe
And breathe in the air from a place you feel safe
And breathe out all of the memories from times you weren't

Good night dear stranger
I hope the darkness doesn't resemble your mind
And that your thoughts about yourself are kind

Good night dear stranger
I hope you dream sweet dreams
And that you wake up
Still feeling that peace
And not like you're in a living nightmare

Today
I just listened
Today
She didn't hear about my insignificant problems
Today
I can't sleep after hearing these things she told me
Today
I want to scream
Today
I feel that the world has no hope
Today
I don't know if I can hug her
Today
I want to fix all her problems
Today
I want to tell her I understand more than she thinks
Today
I feel like crying, just from hearing her woes

Right now
I am lying in bed
It's one AM
And things are haunting me
Making sure that I can't sleep

Is the saying
"Someone always has it worse"
Really supposed to be comforting?

I don't like to think about
How my pain
Sometimes doesn't compare to other's suffering
When mine already feels like hell

"Someone always has it worse"
Does that make anyone feel better?
To be belittled and then told that someone else is more miserable than you?

I hope not
Because it's terrible that it's true

But I guess I hope so
If it's true that it helps you

I hate the sunset tonight
it shines for the children
for the heroes in all of their might
for the kitten who stares out the window
and for the young lady who cries every night

I hate the sunset tonight because it shines that very same bright for the angry man who does terrible things out of spite
the same bright for ruiners of people's lives
for the person who makes that young lady cry
for the people who believe that some don't deserve rights

I hate it because not everyone deserves to see that light yet it shines just as bright

Alone
Alone
Alone
I think I’m going crazy
Talking to myself
Questioning if I’m even alive
Hurting myself to see if I can even feel
Alone
Alone
Alone
Me and the sound of the air conditioner buzzing
Me and my million thoughts that all drown each other out
And it’s summer
I’m supposed to be happy
But I’m broken
Broken and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I just want someone to answer the **** phone
And I’m just so ******* sad
So so sad
And when people are sad they’re supposed to ******* cry
But my eyes are dry
Dry and sad
Sad and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I wanna see red pour down my body
The color to make me feel alive
Vibrant unlike my head which seems grey
Grey grey grey
Did you know grey is my least favorite color?
It feels so empty
Empty and
Alone
Alone
Alone
Like me
I’m my least favorite too
And I just slapped myself
My cheeks burn
And I want someone to reach out and stop me
But no
I’m just so utterly
Alone
Alone
Alone

My mom smiles
But I see the tears in her eyes
I can feel that shes willing the tears away

She tries to keep strong
Because she's the only one who does that for me
But I can handle it now
So I say
"It's okay
You don't always have to be fine
Or strong
I can be strong for you now
So let go"

And with a blink
The tears roll down her cheeks

"I love you"
I say
As I give her a hug

I feel her pain in that embrace
I want to take it away

Sometimes I forget
How much she's been through too

I fear
We are being striped
Of our uniqueness
And individuality
For when I look around
The crowded classroom
I see sameness
Or at least
Many, many masks

Clothes
Interests
Speech
Ideas
And beliefs

Are we all
Becoming a blur
Of fakeness
Or are we all
Ever so different
when we're not performing?

I suppose that is why
The openly different
Seem to feel so alone and estranged

I am all one for unity
But I just see maks
Unless I look very hard
And see a tiny twinkle in someone's eye
And I close my eyes
Focus
And listen hard
I think
I might hear some silent screams
...
I guess it's true
And they aren't truly happy

A pink promise
That you won't read
my heart and soul just yet

These poems are the sewer for the flood of terrible thoughts constantly raining down on my mind

Please understand
...
That this is where you stop reading Mai

Read everyone else's though,
This website saved me
And I could not recommend it more
(Seriously)

Stand there
On the grass covered with a coat of snow
Smell the cold
Feel the peace
Touch the white that fell on the chair in the backyard

It's uncomfortable
I'm wet and shivering
But loving every second

Memories of snow days
When I was little
Flood back to me like a tsunami
It hits me
Except I like it

Suddenly
I'm making snow angles
Building snow men
Watching soft cold comfort fall from the sky
Hearing the fact that every single snow flake is different
And being absolutely mesmerized

I remember sticking my tongue out
Trying to catch one
Trying to taste the wonder of those flakes

Now, many years later
I stick my tinge out again
Waiting for a snowflake to fall----
But it doesn't come
It doesn't land where I want it to
I'm older now
Things have changed
I miss the way they once were
When things still weren't great
But at least
I got to taste the snow flake

How can it be "all in my head" when I think everyone is mad at me
But real when I'm questioning if my trauma actually happened

Google describes it as
"A delightful and positive term often associated with unexpected discoveries and fortunate outcomes. "

And It's true
You are delightful
After all
My dearest serendipity

"Oh
But I lie!"
You say

"Oh,
but I steal!"
You try

But oh
Dearest serendipity
I love every "flaw"
I love you with every mistake you made
And will ever make
Because YOU made that mistake
It is YOURS
And it is therefore extraordinary

And you hate your body
But for me that just seems...
Strange, wrong
Because I love it
Even though I haven't really seen it that much YET
Or hugged it YET
But I do love it
Because it is YOURS
It takes care of YOU
It holds YOUR soul
And one day
Which I swear will come
When we're walking
And I lose you for a moment in a crowd
The sign of relief I'll make
Will be because I saw YOUR body
And it's beautiful
Because it's YOURS
And you are magic
Which means it is too
And one day
In my wholesome, not-stalkerish manner
I will hug it in all its glory
In it's perfection
Because I wouldn't have it any other wayi

And yes yes
You came with some unexpected discoveries too
For one thing
I now know what things like
"Canning" are
And now, because of you, I also know of the little spiky things that stick to you in small America
I also know they ****

But it's not just that
You made me discover how different two people can be
While still simultaneously
Being the same
While simultaneously being
Dare I say,
Two of a kind?

Yes, I do dare
Because you convinced me to
You convince me to try
To keep the razor down
And you say you believe in me
And every time you do
The words going through my mind are
"Serendipity
Serendipity
Serendipity"

And don't even get me started on "fortunate outcomes"
Because every outcome
That includes my dearest serendipity
Is fortunate
Even the ones that don't work out
Because you're there

You've never failed me
For as long as I've known of your existence
You say you do, a lot
But never have you
Even once

Because just knowing
That you're out there
And that you see the same moon
Sky
Sun
Is enough
My dearest, dearest, serendipity

I didn't know I needed you
No one did
They just gave me yet another therapist
Another kind of pill
Each bigger than the last
But I just needed them to prescribe you
But they couldn't because
As serendipity does
You seemed to just appear
And change my life for the better
Completely and utterly

Who would've known
That some country girl
26 days away
A writer
THE queen of sas
The beauty
nThe mater deep thinking and eye rolling
Would save my life
I didn't, certainly
But the universe did, I suppose
And it gave me a present a month ago
It arrived with a caution sticker on it saying
"Magical, perfect, sasy"
And I thought it would just be one of those random packages
But little did I know
She would save myself
Be my reason to breathe

A month ago
Little did I know
I was just provided
With serendipity

The best gift on earth you are
And I'm so grateful
My dearest,
Dearest,
Serendipity

I need to start doing recaps
when I come home
So I know what I am capable of that day
That way
I don't end up exploded and exhausted
My splattered insides looking up at me
From all over the room
Something I can't just clean up with a broom

The end of the day
Slowly yet ****** approaching
And I have done nothing

Regret and guilt eat me alive
Grief for the time I have lost
Wasting

Things were there
Waiting to be done
Calling my name out in vain
Taunting me
And I ignored them

Remorse

For today
I feel as though
I have accomplished
Nothing
I'm sorry

They "teach" you science at school
But the final goal is to pass the test
So you passively connect things in your head

But you don't enjoy
How it makes you feel so small in such a big world
And how you figure out how things work


They "teach" you English in school
But the final goal is to pass the test
So you have to write the poetry about what they want to hear
(Things you don't believe)

And you don't enjoy
How the words relieve you of stress
Make you connect with characters
And escape yourself


They "teach" you history/social studies in school
But the final goal is to pass the test
So you have to memorize the definitions of words
Without even processing them

And you don't enjoy
All of the things we have done before
And how different and similar we all are


They supposedly teach you in school
But honestly
They just make you hate learning
So even the curious minds
Who want to
Will not feel like it anymore

Ingredients:
2 cups soul
4 tablespoons heart
1 3/4 cups creativity
8 cups whatever flavour you want

Directions:
Mix it all in whatever order you please
Put it on the oven 428510°
After it explodes
Write about how your house burned to the ground

My picked thumbs
Bleeding
In such throbbing pain
But I'm sorry I missed a detail in your funny story
When you wanted to speak
Anyhow
You didn't notice

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record
Or someone to love it

Is like looking
And seeing many people around you
But gazing into the mirror of your life
And just seeing you
Alone
And maybe
the monster in your head

Loneliness is a door
You're to afraid to open
You want what's on the other side
But the handle might burn you

It is a picture of you
With friends
Wearing fake smiles
And wanting to be in that moment again
More than anything
Or never again
For what is actually nothing

Loneliness can be felt
Alone a bathroom stall
Trying to breathe
And stay calm

In an auditorium
Filled with hundreds
When there is no one
Who notices you

You also feel it
When they do

While trying to push through
The crowded hallways
That are loud
And try to swallow you

Loneliness can be felt everywhere
And can be anything
If you're anything like me