I make art
Because the brush strokes
Poems
And notes
Can explain my pain
With much more brevity and depth
Than anything I could ever say outloud

***** pretty flowers
And sunsets
If they don't make you feel anything
For perfection isn't realistic

I do not make art those who seek Impressiveness and the showing of skills
I make art for myself
My heart
My soul
And others who seek feeling deep feelings with me

The messyness
Chaos
Abstractness
Weirdness
Beauty
Says a lot more about me
Than the grade on the paper
Or the comment I heard one girl say under her breathe

I make art
Because without it
I don't think
I would be

Stay with me here,
You have just died
…
Take a moment to acknowledge that
And think about it
Think about how it’s all over

You will never speak to a loved one
cry uncontrollably
Or throw up as your mother caresses your back

You will never compliment another stranger
Or have a silent panic attack

You will never get a bad grade
Or lose a friend
For you are now dead

Congratulations, you made it this far
Was what I thought
Crying and jumping outside in the rain of New Year’s Day
As if I would never step into my house again

I was not nearly as happy that I got an A on that essay
Or that I’d exercised that one day

I was the most happy that I survived that one bad day
that I felt sad
I felt overcome with rage
Or overwhelming happy

I was alive
That was life
And it was everything
While simultaneously being nothing

We live to die
But we live to live on

Just enjoy now
Or don’t

Be positive
Or don’t

Play the piano that is our life to the fullest and
Most beautiful song;
The one with black keys too
But they don’t feel right in their own, do they?


I can only remember though
I suppose
Because we are both dead right now
Busy looking from a different point of view

You took a blade
And you stabbed my back, heart and my brain
Made me so confused and hurt
Now bad feelings always lurk
Especially when something reminds me of you
The problem is
I've known you forever
So everything reminds me of you

The worst part
Is that you're too blind to see any of it
I never got a single apology
And I know if one day that you ruined for me
Would be on repeat until you got it right
You'd be stuck forever
You don't see your problems
Those problems are a big part of me now
So I guess
You don't see me
Do you?
Not at all

The words are bleeding out of me
I just feel so bad
All of these feelings bubbling up and boiling
I want to throw them in their faces
So they can burn
All the people who made the world so bad
I know it's a lot of them
But so be it
I don't care
My million feelings taking over
Why is the world so bad?

There are a dozen songs playing in my head
Melodies mixing together creating a mess of music
I am lying on my bed
Jumbled words like a sea without logic

Tears rolling down my cheek
For I left my heart open
It is strong but also weak
Things knocked it over and the glass is now broken

My ceiling fan stares down on me
Telling me all that needs to be done
I just need a moment in silence just to be
Things barely ever even seem fun

The whole day's energy
Was spent on keeping myself together
And now
I just need to be broken

What if
Everyone in the world
Screamed when they needed to?

What if
That was just the normal
And accepted
Thing to do?

When things get to be to much
I change my perspective
I am no longer there
In the place
Or with the people causing me stress

Im simply observing
For my own pleasure
In some way
Like I have the controller
To a video game
I am always playing
But I'm not in

Leaping through the night's darkness
For my star is always there when I'm alone
Screaming silently with the thunder
Because only if we can scream freely can I call this world home
Dancing in the rain
Because I love that the sky cries too
And holding hands with my mind's monster
Because she shouldn't be lonely and bruised
I whisper to her "you are me and I am you"

We humans
We love to compare and contrast
But
We often forget
We don't all have the same denominator

Dear, Someone

I hope you heart will heal
Your soul freed
The life life you want
No longer out of reach
Your ideas set free
And your mind at ease

If these have already happened to you
Which I don't know
How did you do it?
Oh how I would like to know

I hope you respond
In some way or another
In the meantime though
Good morning, afternoon, or night
And I wish you the best
For the rest of your life

From,
A stranger

There once was a flock of birds
All turquoise with yellow beaks
Flying together
In a V

They like to decide things
Like how to sing
how to flap your wings

Sometimes this flock
Makes some mistakes though
Like saying the only way to soar
Is throughout sideways flying
Even when some can't do it

Some birds try
And they fall

And now they're on the ground
Feeling alone and scared
Afraid they'll fly back up wrong
To get back in the V

The lucky ones
Find others who fell
And let the ones who want to fly upside down
The ones who fly straight
Backwards
Or even walk with their legs on thin air
Do their thing

They soar up
And they fly free
Together
In their own way

I don't need a father
To call in the middle of school
When he's feeling like ****
And he wants to bring that on to me

I care that he's crying
Even though I don't want to
Either way
I don't need this from him

He takes your kindness
Empathy
Compassion
And uses it against you

It's not something I can deal with anymore
I'll simply not talk to him

I need a father
To make me feel comforted
And supported
And loved unconditionally

Not so I can be manipulated
And forced to grow up quickly

Everything
Is
Pain
Yet the only thing that helps
Is more pain

I think I'm done fighting it
I need to bleed

When I'm asked
"Are you an introvert of an extrovert?"
I respond
"It depends who I'm with"

I know it won't take long
I know he might be okay this time
I know it's supposed to be nice
I know that's what they want me to do

But I know it might be painful for me too

"What's the worst that could happen?"
You have no idea, and trust me, you don't even want to

I know your just asking me
To spend a couple hours with my father
But I really don't want to

Apparently it's "my decision"
But I can't say no to you
I'm used to pleasing you
What can I do?

Bad feeling
Creeping up on me
I want to escape
But it's taking me

Unexpected
Kind of like a sharp pain
Except with depression

I looked in to meds
I think I need them
When can I receive them?
I want to feel better already

Why don't I have friends?
Why is all I could do on a Saturday
Sit there
With my cat
And waste my time in some way or another?

When the distraction takes a break
Anxiety
Depression
They grab me
Pull me

"No, let me go!"
I shout

It doesn't
Ruthless and red eyed
They have taken me away

They have suddenly grabbed any pleasant feeling
And crumbled it before me

"No!"
I sob

I want to feel better already

To a stranger
I might look weak
Crying at 11:00pm
Outside in the cold
Headphones on

I might look crazy
Spinning
Reaching out to the far away stars
Standing on a tree stump in front of a random house
My favorite place to be
Waving at every passing airplane
Wondering if they're waving back to me

Maybe a bit strange
For most teens don't go outside to walk
Especially so late at night
Alone
For that

But I know
If I was the stranger
Looking out their bedroom window
Watching
I would smile

Look what you're doin',
I'm feeling blue and lonely
Would it be to much to ask of you
What you're doin' to me?

You got me cryin'
And there's no fun in it
Why should it be to much to ask of you
What you're doin' to me?

I tell myself I can do it
I can be without friends
But I can't
And I might have figured out why

I'm human

I've recently created something of a bond with someone that seems to be almost magical
And I think it's because we're both real
And because with eachother honesty seems like the only option

Instead of
"How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
"Good."

It's
"How was your head today?"
"Still depressed. You?"
"Still depressed"

And there's something so special about that
It's as if I encountered another alien hopelessly walking around earth
With all the humans and wondering why they have green skin
And showing them that we can be different
Together

Words we don't hear from our parents
"You're doing so good"
"You got this"
"You're safe and cared about and loved"
"I'm so so proud of you"
We give eachother

Talking about the very fact that we exist
Politics (or that it *****)
Family
Depression
Unforgettable memories
Favorite stupid shows and movies
I swear it feels like a dream

Mentally ill
Real
Empathetic
Grew up too quickly
Love and feel so deeply
...
I think I don't feel so utterly alone anymore

“A perfect quiet child”
They called me
Don’t call me mature when I was just scared and unhappy

I was not an adult
Why did you treat me like one
And now you dare to wonder
What happened to my head
Why I’m always in bed
It wasn’t just my father
It was everyone else too

Stop saying I’m an old soul
I’m smart
I’m just ******* terrified
I’m miserable
Trust me
You don’t be envious of that
Or at least if you knew why I’m like this way
You wouldn’t be

Okay, you think I'm pretty
But will you walk in rivers barefoot with me?
Will you just sit there in silence and pick flowers with me?
Will you be there even when I don't want to be anywhere?
Will you stay after you see what I've done to my ankles?
Will you dance in the rain with me?
Will you hold my hand when something reminds me?
Will you understand when I want to be alone?
Will you be okay with not being okay?
Will you love me even when I hate myself?

I know it's unrealistic
And that the books I read set the expectations high
But I can dream

There is something about bathroom stalls
That is just so comforting
No one can see me
No one can hear me cry
I can finally breathe
And sit there
Tears rolling down my cheeks
And hands over my ears
Trying to block out all incoming sound
Making patterns in my head with the tiles

Every place has one
Bathroom stalls are my consistent safe space
And I know it sounds stupid
But I don't know what I would do without them

I found my old diary
And some letters I made to my future self years ago in it
I cried
I wish I could hug her
And thank her
I'll be doing this every year

Poetry isn't just rhymes
Poetry isn't even always words
Because when I look at some people
I think
How could they possibly be anything but poetry?

The moon in the sky
Ever-changing
Always beautiful
I look at it and think
How can anyone look at this and not see poetry?

Sometimes when the right person hugs me at the right time
When I feel that feeling I think
This is poetry.

My cat on my lap is poetry
The sunset
The green of the grass you're lying in
A room full of real smiles

A parade for the gays celebrating love
Love is poetry
How could love not be poetry?

I promise you
You haven't lost your ability to create it
Because you yourself are poetry
And everytime you make someone's world even a little bit better
That. Is. Poetry.

You. Are. Poetry.

I don't like winter for one reason
Because I leave for school before sunrise
And come back
When the sun has almost set
I see no light
And I can't walk
Winter has taken away my walks
They keep me sane
And now they're gone
And so is my wonder
And my joy

Breathe
It's all okay
It's night now
Dark
And quiet
Your dreams will take you far away from this terrible world

Breathe
It's over
You can just lie in bed
And listen to your cats meow

Breathe
Just take a breathe
In
....
Out
And over and over again
Until you calm down

Breathe
Just focus on the present
Because you are alive
Now
And you want to say in 2026
That you survived

Breathe
You can close your eyes
And let yourself go
Even though it's hard

Breathe
Slow down
Think in verse
Look out the window
And listen for your dog's heartbeat

Breathe
It's finally quiet
on the outside
Try and exhale the noise
on the inside

Breathe
And know
Nothing is that big of a deal
Just a part of life
After all
We all end up dead
In the end

Why can't I just go about my day
Without these terrible memories
Randomly flooding my brain?

Eyes widen
I try to blink the thoughts out of my head
A wave of anxiety passes over me
Makes my stomach hurt
As well as my brain

I don't need to remember
Not now...
I need to calm down

I want to go to the corner
And sit alone for a second
But I risk being asked
If I'm okay
By a teacher
Or a kid who pretends that they're concerned
I'm afraid I'll lose it
If they do

The sound of your yelling and sobbing
Echo in my head
Ring in my ear
But my eyes are too busy for it
Because they are seeing my mom lock herself in the bathroom
To escape you
I see you you going on your knees
Screaming in the middle of the of where everyone can see
Putting the little girl that was me
In a place where she didn't know what to do
Over and over again

I can't breathe
And I need to snap out of it
...
But I can't

I need it to be quiet
Outside and inside my head

I know I am lucky for it
These experiences people my age don't get
Traveling and performing
Playing my instrument
But they don't really know how it is
At home
Scales and metronomes
Haunting me in my sleep
Playing and practicing for my audition
All while crying
Tears rolling down my cheeks as I crescendo
A little sob escapes
During the half rest

I love music
But It shouldn't be this stressful
It's fun when I play with my band
But not alone with my mom
While she's telling me to play that measure again and again
Until I get it right
But I don't really care about that scale
I want to play for fun

The bump on my skin
Like a bomb
I feel I must make sure
Doesn't explode
Even though in reality
I know it won't

I peel it off
But that sets it off
What have I done?
Now there's blood

Why does it feel rewarding
To see the bright red liquid
Pour down my hand?

The pain is a cue
To feel mad
At myself
For I have caused it

There's just one more spot
I need to peel
I swear this is the last one
But it never is

I just pinch
And peel
And pick
Until my physical pain
Can outweigh my mental one

I'm sorry that it worries you
Or makes you feel awkward
But I can't
"Just stop"

Dear, Monster Of A Being

Hello,
I just wanted to tell you
That I hope
The next time you take a chocolate chip cookie
All the chocolate chips
Turn out to be raisins
I also hope
That your allergic to grapes

You're welcome,
Your Secret Hater

Please don't leave
Don't leave the world to spin without you
All ****** up and beautiful
Because Daisy needs you to scratch her ****
With it's majestic hair
And the little twirl at the end of it
Many more times

Don't leave this stunning disaster
Because there are so many queerphobs
Left un-twerked on
Without your **** in their stupid little faces

Yes, your mother will miss you
Yes, the people who caused the very pain you're experiencing will make some sappy fake Snapchat post about how they hope you rest in peace
Yes, your dog will be confused
I know you know that

I know you have heard the phrase
"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
Everyone has
They shove it in your face as soon as they show you the word
"Suicide"
But yet
720,000 people are taken by it each year
So clearly these words are to no avail
Because when you're sitting in front of everything deadly you own
Feeling so much yet nothing at all
What they told you at a school function that one time that was kind of obvious may not come to mind
But anything that helps you put them away
Or at least save them for another day
Means everything

So can you stay
To stroke your horse again?
To finish your sketchbook?
To burn your math work?

Can you stay simply because firefighters with abs exist?
Because of the free **** website that's somehow not blocked on school computers?
To take a run and finally get the relief of feeling it all?

****
"You're too young to die"
If that doesn't do **** for you
Can you please stay here because you have the free will to go on Amazon and look at the reviews for speedos?

It's selfish to keep you here for me
I know I'm not enough
I can't help you as much as I wish I could
Though if you left me to spin on this **** globe without you
I can say that there's a good chance
in the end there will be more than one tragedy

You're right
Maybe laughing might not make you less tired of living
But what if
Like you said
We could just sit there and feel hurt
Because we deserve to after everything

When I'm in that place
Of such deep, strong pain
The last thing I want
Is to search my brain for people that love me
And see that I'm alone in the world
I don't want you to ever have to

I wish I could steal your pain
But I can't
All I can do is pull more words out of my ***
And if you let me,
Hug you

You are such an great friend
And if you ever want more
I have so many words
And I will write you more poems
1000 more if that's what it takes
Because you need to stay

You deserve to live
Really live
I wish you believed me
Please
Please
Stay

I know I'm not enough to keep you here
But I will keep on trying anyways
Because even though you may not care about yourself anymore
I do

It's not enough I know
I'm sorry
I wish I could do more
But every little thing that helps you matters
So can you please maybe just stay
Because sometimes when people laugh they do the thing where they hold the other person momentarily?
That beautiful human thing

Can you stay because the clouds are still moving?
Because even in daylight the stars are there?
Because your dog's ******* expands when he barks?
Because when you're drowning
I promise to always help you out of the water?

Can you stay simply because of trees?
Because your heart beats?
Because the show you're watching has a new season coming out?

Stay because life does this thing
Where is pushes you right to the edge
And then shows you something wonderful
That is just enough to keep you here?

For me that has been poetry, you, the person I told you about in Oklahoma, walking with music, and dancing in the rain
And I know that there will be more
If I let there be
And same goes for you
There will be wonderful things you have yet to see
Wonderful people you have yet to love
People that have yet to love you
Please let them
Stay

Dear friend,
Yes I'm being intense I know
Yes I'm writing a pathetic *** poem for you
Yes I know that these words probably don't mean anything
But I need to anyways
And I will continue for as long as I live if it helps you even the slightest bit
Because you need to stay
Okay?
Please stay

Telling myself

I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father
I am not my father

I am not the sound of my cry that sounds so similar to his
But every soul I touched

I am not my eyes that looked devastatingly like the ones he sees the world in his twisted ways through
I am every hug I've given

I am not all the disorders he passed on to me because he passed them on to me
Every scar that's mine is mine because I made it

I am not the nose that I took from him and see everytime I look at myself
I am every year I shed

I am not the slight accent he gave me
Or the curly hair I'm somewhat known for
I am every world I made even the slightest bit better

My genes cannot boss me around
I am not my father
I am not my father
Anything but my father
Please

It's crazy to me
How one day
You can go to a crate
Say "this one"
And you'll have 15 years
Of joy
Just like that

Pure happiness
In a being







Until one day





















They die

I know I am lucky though
To have something so great
That I would grieve for

I'm mourning the person
I never became
The one who was normal
Who didn't carry all the blame

My younger self would dream
Of many friends and happiness
But all I am now
Is a lump of unsteadiness

I'm mourning the idea
Of the person I would have liked to be
The one that could have been me
The one
That isn't

I never became someone
My younger self wished to be
Saw the things she wanted to see
Instead I feel all this pain constantly

Is that what she survived for?
She did not survive for me to be miserable
She survived for more
She survived for someone
I never became

The intense urge
To tell you what you've done to me
And how terrible you are
Yet
I just bite my tongue

A sticky note
Where I'm supposed
to write what I learned today
But the thing is
I learned nothing

Do I write too much?
All of these words
Accumulating so fast
Just waiting to be let out
They're getting clasutrapjobic
What can I say?
I wish I would stop
I ask them if I may
They say no
Not in a harsh tone
But just one saying that they need to be let go
"Okay" I tell them
It feels good after all
But do I write too much?
The question still stands tall

Maybe it's ***** and dusty
And gets flooded with water sometimes
But it's more mine than anything

Poetry hung on the walls
From those on this genius website,
Paint accidentally on purpose spilled on the floor,
Art supplies on cardboard boxes decorated with pictures and paintings of mushrooms, frogs and jellyfish just because I think they look cool,
Stars made out of tin foil hung from the ceiling pipes just because

No one else really likes it in there
It's just a basement after all
But is it?

My feelings are rain
Pouring down
Messing up plans
Gloomy things they are
The raindrops build
Coming together
More and more
Until they start to flood the city of my mind
And then I write
And it's like suddenly
A sewer has appeared

If you think the seed is big
Look at the dandelion

If that's giant
Look at the person who blew on it

If they look huge to you
Look at their wish

If their wish seems so grand
Zoom out a bit
And take everyone's wishes from all over the land

If all of those wishes sent to the sky seem humongous
Just wait till you look up at it
And everyone who's ever looked at it
Dead or alive
Mean or kind

Even space
Is constantly expanding
You can zoom out more and more

If the whole universe is big to you now
Look at it again after you read this poem once more

I don't need meds or hospitals
Therapy or lectures
I just need a hug

Not a
"Don't be mad at me
Hug it out"
Kind of hug

But a
"You're safe now
It's okay"
Embrace

I'm done being alone

Showing people I know my poetry
Is like taking out my insides
My most vulnerable feelings
And giving them a bow and arrow
Just hoping they won't shoot

It's like leaving a prescious item
In the open
Just waiting to be stolen
Or destroyed
It could happen any moment

When I feel depressed
And want to do nothing
Feeling so stressed about everything
I get up
Get dressed
Pack my bag
And walk
Walk for hours and hours
In the sun or in rain
Until I feel better
And in the end
And I always do

Have you ever had a recurring nightmare?

Every time I appear in a forest
And walk through the door
I know I will not be able to come back out from
I don't want to go in
But I'm not in control
It's a dream
So it happens
And I have to face my doom

Nightmares can be so realistic
I believe
They can also be real

Is that what life is?
Just a really
Really
Realistic nightmare?
We'll never know
And that's the problem with such dreams
We can hope only
That our suffering will end soon

Of course you feel alone
People don't show when they feel bad
Scrolling on your social media
No one shows imperfection
Or the reality of the world

Of course you feel alone
There is no question in
"Are you okay?"
But a cue to say
"Yes"

Of course you feel alone
Because people cover up their scars
Are wear their masks all day
It's not just you
7 billion at least

Of course you feel alone
We're told
"Don't cry"

Of course you feel alone
If everyone is scared to be honest
Because we have a different opinion
We all might end up lying
Just like the other day
When someone told me
That they actually liked the book we read in class
As if it was a crime
And she was the only one
...
Three other people told me that

Of course you feel alone
And even in that
You're not
I'm right there with you
And so are billions of others
At some point in their lives

Behind the darkest clouds
The sun can still shine
You just have to embrace the storm
Dance in the rain
And scream with the thunder
Until it passes
And then you can lie in the sun

I want to cry
sob
And scream

But I'll have to wait until morning
To do those things
Because people can hear me now