Why is it
That after every social gathering
My thumbs return home
Bleeding?

I woke up in the morning wanting to pick dandelions from my backyard
so I got up from bed
Went outside
Sat down on the hot pavement
And inspected one

To me it was a beautiful flower
But it was crazy that they are usually considered weeds just because they decided that they weren't wanted
I wanted that dandelion though
so I picked it
I smelt it
Appreciated it
And sat there in silence
Listening to nothing but the birds in the sky chirping to one another

I started to feel bad for the dandelions too;
Not because I picked them out of the ground but because nobody else wanted to
I felt bad that everybody else decided as a society that they were weeds and that they should be thrown out and not admired

I look at a planted flower and I realize that it is no more beautiful
It didn't smell better
And that I didn't want it more

I put the dandelion I picked in water,
And put them in my room

I'm gonna look for the dandelion-like "weeds" in my school now

Thank you dandelion for everything you've taught me

I sit there
Passively doing schoolwork
Only to look up and notice
There are groups of people who are laughing and smiling

At first
I am grateful not to be one of them
It's so much work to pretend to be happy
To pretend to find the jokes funny
But then I remember
That usually people aren't pretending

My mother holds her head in her hands
I think it's because of me
My mental health
Is not what she wishes it to be

"I'm sorry"
I say in tears
"Okay"
She responds
I'm missing the "it's"

"I'm sorry"
I try again
..
She ignores it

My head explodes of thoughts of guilt
I can't handle it

"What do you want to do?"
She asks after a while
I think to myself
"Die"
But change it quickly
How dare I think that way

I stay silent


My mother is shaking her knee
She's upset
Stressed
She doesn't know what to do with me
I don't either

"I'm sorry"
I sob
"Why?
Why are you sorry, Liana?"
She asks exasperated
Like apologizing was a crime

I don't answer
I don't want to make things worse

I just cry

My mother sighs
I don't know what to do
She's my sane parent
The best thing I have
How dare I hurt her in any way

I want to say sorry
But I am sorry for saying sorry

My head is going to collapse

Oh no
Tomorrow is monday
Tomorrow is the beginning of the end
Of everything
How I am so supposed to smile with that knowledge?

I saw my tree today
The one in the big open field

It was raining
My socks were wet
My legs tired from the walk
But it was perfect

I placed my hand on the textured bark
I felt so whole
And infinite

I was home

Walking around it in circles
My hand stroking it as I do
Just like I had done
What seems like forever ago

Memories come
Flow in
Like a peaceful stream

It's just like the tree next to it
And the one next to that
But this one was mine

Not because I planted it
But because I felt it pull me in
Even when I was a little girl
Even then
I felt we were one

I used to be filled
With such intense emotions
Every day
A tear and a smile
Filled the jar

It was filled with anger and sorrow
But also filled with beauty and color
It was like stepping on sharp rocks in a beautiful sea of blue

Now the water has been drained
And the rocks made into sand that just sticks uncomfortably to me

I do not miss the pain
Bruises on my feet,
Blood making a pool of self-hate on my hands,
Or do I?

I think I just miss the ocean water
I long for the light of the sun reflecting on it
And the creatures that call it home

I feel that the sea has been emptied
And so has my soul...

I know I can't stop taking the little pill
That just keeps increasing in size
But I don't know how much longer I can take it

I don't know how much longer I can stand in the this big hole that was once the ocean

I love him
Because I have known him forever
And because I can't help it
He's my father

But don't get me wrong
I don't like him
Not as a person
Or as a parent
Or as a human

A car broke down
And some pieces remain on the street;
Broken
And feeling missing

So as I walk,
I pick some up
And decided to make them part of something again
Where they will thrive
And feel full again

They shall not be "broken" anymore
Nor "trash" or "useless"
Simply because I decided so

I have a much better name for them;
"Art"

One day I hope to be healed enough to truly believe that people are capable of loving me

So cautious
To make me feel comfortable
Make me feel at ease

In a way it is great
I do think she understands me
Even when all there is to understand
Is just from watching me be

In a way it makes things worse as well
For she sees right though me
Gives me choices
I don't know what to do with those
I'm not used to choosing for me

It's all with care
And I don't think I've ever
Received such great amounts
From any friend
Or maybe anybody

Yes
Hugs are sometimes awkward for me
But I still can enjoy them
If with someone gentle
Who is not doing this
To make me feel worse
Instead of better

It was okay to hug her
Actually
It was nice
This is not something that usually happens

Care
Kindness
...
It's strange for me
I don't know how to act
I wasn't as light and funny
As I hoped to be

She was still
Trying to figure me out
Making me wonder if
The mask I thought I choose perfectly
Was actually transparent
And had misplaced Googly eyes

And for the first time ever
When I went to be alone for a second
Someone came to look for me
And asked me if I was okay

She's so careful
I want her to be comfortable
I don't want her to feel like
Or rather
Know
That I can't be calm and normal

I want to thank her
I really do
But speaking words
Is a difficult task
Especially when they mean something

I feel less than
For I am a number
Or maybe an object
For seven hours a day

I feel less than
For I am different
And you are under people
If you aren't the same

I feel less than
Because I can't make my own decisions
And the people who do
Don't understand what it's like
To be in my head

I feel less than
For even my own haunted mind
Seems to rule over me

I might see something scary
And not know which way to turn
And tomorrow may rain
So today
I'll just follow the sun

I have always loved words
They have always comforted me

And you
You never have

So I'll just stick to writing
And not going on the terribly scary rollercoaster
That is life with you in it
It makes me throw up constantly

I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

I know little me would have been confused because I thought big kids don't cry
Only daddy did
Every night
Even then I knew he wasn't big
I guess


I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

She doesn't know how to help me
I relate to that honestly


I cry
Cry
Cry

I make my mother sigh

She's sad that she's sees herself in me
I don't know why
Why
Why

Disconnected families
With cellphones at dinner
So many girls starving themselves
Just to get thinner

I wonder how many people
Wish they were never born
I wonder how many people
Love the person that makes their heart torn

Why did the world make it so that
The people who are so kind
Have to get hurt from the fall from heaven?
Why must it make the people with cold hearts
Not be the ones to get frozen?

Everyone feels alone
Even though there are 8 billion of us
I feel right in between emotional
And emotionless

Maybe that’s just life
For there is no such thing as Utopia

Now though,
All we can do is exist
And then not
Be happy sometimes
But let ourselves also be distraught

So many downsides to knowing him
Being his daughter
But one thing I can say
It's that it's never boring
Because it's always something
A complication of sorts
Never nothing

I sometimes wonder
If I am dead

The question is
Is this heaven
Or hell?

What if
This is the best it gets
Or is it the other way around?
No one
Is ever truly always happy

What if we all used to be stars
And we exploded
And this is where we go?

Our bodies
Are just a home for our souls

Is this heaven?
Is this hell?
Or maybe that's how luck works

What if
The world decides if this very same planet
Will be good or bad for you?

Maybe
We just exist?

Maybe there isn't
Always a reward or punishment?

Maybe
We never truly die?
Or actually
Or are were always dead?

What is dead?
Who knows
Maybe it's me

I do not wish to be mature
I do not wish to be wise or responsible
I do not wish have an older soul
For it is not of my own doing

My house was on fire
And I was caught in the flames;
Of course I deteriorated quicker
And I learned how to not burn and become ashes

What should have taken a while to start to turn brown at the edges
From the sun and the warm pavement
Just took being born there

I do not wish to be able to take care of your child so well
For it was because I took care of my father when he couldn't do it himself

I do not wish to be able to avoid conflict easily
For it took practice to master

I have been molded
I have been been burned
I have shaped
I wish I weren't
But I am
And here we are today

I am a mix of grieving and grateful

Stop
Just for a moment
From your reading of poems

Leave your house
Or look out your window
And see the sky

Take those terrible emotions
And feel them
Set them free
In a scream
A painting
A song
Or maybe a poem

Stop
Just for a moment
Turn off your phone
Open the blind
And just exist

We need to think those bad thoughts sometimes
So they don't pile up and overflow our mind

The stars are beautiful
They always are

It's just
Sometimes
The light pollution gets in the way
And we can't see them anymore

But who knows
Maybe
Tomorrow you'll see them really clear

Can I stop your reading of poems for a moment?
It will just take one second I promise
I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you

You may be thinking how I do not know you
But if you’re reading this
That must mean you’re still alive
And that is more difficult than it seems

I want to let you know
That you’re loved

And yiu may be thinking about how I have no idea
But I do
Because I love you

And I just wanted to remind you
That it wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault
You did your best, dear

It wasn’t your fault

I just want to tell you that the sun was proud of you this morning
Because you got up
The moon was proud because you made it one more day
And your body was proud because yiu kept letting it store you soul for one more sunset

Why did they have to tell kids
That the moon wasn't really following their car?

I liked to think that it was protecting me
I liked to think that it knew that I may have not been safe in that car
That maybe it cared enough about me
To choose me
And keep me safe
Even from afar

When trees would cover it
It would get scared it left me
And that I was all alone in the world
But then my teacher told me
That I was

"It's an illusion" she said
I hid in the bathroom and cried
I felt lied to

Why do they take that sense of wonder away from us?
Why couldn't I still believe that the moon follows my car?
Why couldn't I still believe it was keeping me safe whenever I was in my dad's car?

Now I look up at the sky when I'm driving
And see the moon
And wish I would still try to send it messages of thanks
And sometimes I do
Even though it seems silly

I pretend that I believe that the moon still follows my car
Even though it stopped many years ago

At the store
When I tried on clothes
I felt like I wanted to cry
Not because I really was ugly
(Just a moment ago I was told I was beautiful)
But because
The mirror I looked at
And the lights surrounding it
Made me think that way

You're not ugly
Your mirror is tricking you

You're not stupid
You're a beautiful bird asked to swim in a swamp

You're not unlovable
The people around you are just toxic and don't know how good you are

He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all these nowhere promises
To somebody

He's as blind as he can be
Just sees what he wants to see
Nowhere man
Can you see me at all?

You shouldn't wait for someone to lend you a hand
You awful
Awful
Nowhere man

I remember when 2nd grade
We had a lockdown
But I had so much to say
So much that I felt it very hard to stay silent

I wanted to know why someone would try and shoot us
And why turning off the lights would stop them

But Mrs jones had just shook her head
And shoved a lollypop in my mouth
(I didn't say another word)

I wish I could do that to my head
It won't shut up

I constantly need to check myself
Make sure I'm not turning in to him
I need to be more self aware
Then he'll ever be

I never want to make anyone feel
Anything close to the way he did to me

Work I have to do
Piling up
Making no room for thinking
Or peace
Or quiet in my brain

Tests
So many
I learn nothing from them
Yet I sacrifice the things that keep me alive
For those report cards
With an A as a grade

I beg
And sob
And plead to my mother
To let me stay home
Because have barely slept in days
My brain no longer functions
And that despite my medication
My panic stays

I didn't have time for reading
Or smiling
Or poetry
And for that last one
I'm sorry

Tomorrow I will try harder to read everyone's poems
And write some of my own

But for today
It's 10:30pm and I still have two tests, history homework, eating, and a shower to take take care of

It turns out that
My room
Or what used to be my room
Still smells of me and my mom painting it on a Saturday afternoon
Even if it's empty

The spot on the wall
"Happiness: an endless chase"
I wrote at 11
Still lives hidden in the corner

I make art
Because the brush strokes
Poems
And notes
Can explain my pain
With much more brevity and depth
Than anything I could ever say outloud

***** pretty flowers
And sunsets
If they don't make you feel anything
For perfection isn't realistic

I do not make art those who seek Impressiveness and the showing of skills
I make art for myself
My heart
My soul
And others who seek feeling deep feelings with me

The messyness
Chaos
Abstractness
Weirdness
Beauty
Says a lot more about me
Than the grade on the paper
Or the comment I heard one girl say under her breathe

I make art
Because without it
I don't think
I would be

Moths are beautiful
But their life is one of unfairness and tragedy

They are drawn to are lamps and houses
They think they are the sun
They are met with a hard surface
Over and over again

They have the wings
The patterns
The shape
But they are not what we call “pretty”
So we **** them
And let them slowly **** themselves
Which we would never do to butterflies

They are only supposed to come out at night
When it’s dark
But unfortunately
They like the light

I would give him a piece of my mind
Scream
Tell him how every single problem I have is his fault
But even then
He wouldn't get it

He'd say I'm crazy
That I'm young
That my mom got in my head
When she's the one who says not to argue
He doesn't understand that I still have feelings
And opinions
And that they come from me

He sends me a message
I want to respond
"*******"
I even typed it out
But don't send it

He would go insane
And my mom would suffer from that
So I just say
"Okay"

Bite my tongue
Be grateful it's not worse
Take the manipulations
But make sure to record it for later
So I can recognize them

I might love him
To some extent
He is my father after all
But I can't remember a time
When I had liked him
As a parent
Or a person

I don't say any of it

We often ask ourselves
Why we are even crying
And I promise you that the answer is not that we are babys
pathetic
Or stupid
It's that we are human
It's we're made to do
Though it's painful and cruel

Take a deep breath
And just exist bro
Thats all you need to do

Like a cat
Staring out the window
Just being
It just is
Lying there in the sun;
Just living
Not caring about doing ****

All you need to do in life
Is live
Just keep living
Keep on floating
Just keep swimming in life
I mean dory was on to something

We just need to be
I am not a human doer
I am a human being after all

We don't always have to be doing something
We don't always need to be filling our mind to the brim
It just makes a storm inside
Makes you feel tense
All the time

That's why we scroll
Why we are so hungry for entertainment
It empties our mind
But what if we could just train ourselves
To achieve that anyways
By just sitting by a river
Or by your dog

When you realize that you can just be
You can just exist
You start to do things because you want to
And not because you need to
Those everyday things that you do
That you felt like you needed to do
You are now doing because you want to

And you FEEL the difference
In your whole soul
And it changes everything
It's peaceful

You are no longer pushing back
Tiring yourself going against everything
Because you need to be doing SOMETHING
Just exist bro

Be like a cat

Stay with me here,
You have just died
…
Take a moment to acknowledge that
And think about it
Think about how it’s all over

You will never speak to a loved one
cry uncontrollably
Or throw up as your mother caresses your back

You will never compliment another stranger
Or have a silent panic attack

You will never get a bad grade
Or lose a friend
For you are now dead

Congratulations, you made it this far
Was what I thought
Crying and jumping outside in the rain of New Year’s Day
As if I would never step into my house again

I was not nearly as happy that I got an A on that essay
Or that I’d exercised that one day

I was the most happy that I survived that one bad day
that I felt sad
I felt overcome with rage
Or overwhelming happy

I was alive
That was life
And it was everything
While simultaneously being nothing

We live to die
But we live to live on

Just enjoy now
Or don’t

Be positive
Or don’t

Play the piano that is our life to the fullest and
Most beautiful song;
The one with black keys too
But they don’t feel right in their own, do they?


I can only remember though
I suppose
Because we are both dead right now
Busy looking from a different point of view

People fear death
Or more so,
What happens to our consciousness when our bodies can no longer be vessels for it
And I think
It is much like leaving the womb

You have this whole world inside of there
You like it (sometimes)
But you know you must eventually leave
And you don't know to where

You think it's probably far away,
But in fact it's
Right there
Only inches away

I think death is
Right there
I don't know if that makes everything more or less scary

What if
Everyone in the world
Screamed when they needed to?

What if
That was just the normal
And accepted
Thing to do?

You took a blade
And you stabbed my back, heart and my brain
Made me so confused and hurt
Now bad feelings always lurk
Especially when something reminds me of you
The problem is
I've known you forever
So everything reminds me of you

The worst part
Is that you're too blind to see any of it
I never got a single apology
And I know if one day that you ruined for me
Would be on repeat until you got it right
You'd be stuck forever
You don't see your problems
Those problems are a big part of me now
So I guess
You don't see me
Do you?
Not at all

We humans
We love to compare and contrast
But
We often forget
We don't all have the same denominator

I don't need a father
To call in the middle of school
When he's feeling like ****
And he wants to bring that on to me

I care that he's crying
Even though I don't want to
Either way
I don't need this from him

He takes your kindness
Empathy
Compassion
And uses it against you

It's not something I can deal with anymore
I'll simply not talk to him

I need a father
To make me feel comforted
And supported
And loved unconditionally

Not so I can be manipulated
And forced to grow up quickly

When things get to be to much
I change my perspective
I am no longer there
In the place
Or with the people causing me stress

Im simply observing
For my own pleasure
In some way
Like I have the controller
To a video game
I am always playing
But I'm not in

"Why are you looking at me like that?"
He asks
It's because I want to hug him and tell him he's so so lovable
And that he is a boy
But I can't

"I'm happy you're writing again, but I'm sad for you"
I say
I want to cry for him
Take all the hurt
And I know that's crazy
Either way I can't
And I won't

The bad side of caring so much I suppose

There once was a flock of birds
All turquoise with yellow beaks
Flying together
In a V

They like to decide things
Like how to sing
how to flap your wings

Sometimes this flock
Makes some mistakes though
Like saying the only way to soar
Is throughout sideways flying
Even when some can't do it

Some birds try
And they fall

And now they're on the ground
Feeling alone and scared
Afraid they'll fly back up wrong
To get back in the V

The lucky ones
Find others who fell
And let the ones who want to fly upside down
The ones who fly straight
Backwards
Or even walk with their legs on thin air
Do their thing

They soar up
And they fly free
Together
In their own way

Dear, Someone

I hope you heart will heal
Your soul freed
The life life you want
No longer out of reach
Your ideas set free
And your mind at ease

If these have already happened to you
Which I don't know
How did you do it?
Oh how I would like to know

I hope you respond
In some way or another
In the meantime though
Good morning, afternoon, or night
And I wish you the best
For the rest of your life

From,
A stranger

When I'm asked
"Are you an introvert of an extrovert?"
I respond
"It depends who I'm with"

Leaping through the night's darkness
For my star is always there when I'm alone
Screaming silently with the thunder
Because only if we can scream freely can I call this world home
Dancing in the rain
Because I love that the sky cries too
And holding hands with my mind's monster
Because she shouldn't be lonely and bruised
I whisper to her "you are me and I am you"

I tell myself I can do it
I can be without friends
But I can't
And I might have figured out why

I'm human

Bad feeling
Creeping up on me
I want to escape
But it's taking me

Unexpected
Kind of like a sharp pain
Except with depression

I looked in to meds
I think I need them
When can I receive them?
I want to feel better already

Why don't I have friends?
Why is all I could do on a Saturday
Sit there
With my cat
And waste my time in some way or another?

When the distraction takes a break
Anxiety
Depression
They grab me
Pull me

"No, let me go!"
I shout

It doesn't
Ruthless and red eyed
They have taken me away

They have suddenly grabbed any pleasant feeling
And crumbled it before me

"No!"
I sob

I want to feel better already