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 May 2014 201
AJ
Stupid White Girl
 May 2014 201
AJ
Stupid white girl.
We are not allowed to do anything.
We're prim and proper, white girls.
We are not allowed to fight back.
Put us in our place, white girls.
We are not allowed real work.
We still want our twenty three cents back.

The child of fair skin and blue eyes.
But with all my female privilege,
Came a nasty stamp on my body.
Like a watermark.
FEMALE.
I have heard that when a woman looks in the mirror, she sees a woman.
But when a man looks in the mirror, he sees a human.

Even with that watermark, our pale skin is used as a canvas.
And everyone else has been handed the tools to color in our curves.
Covering us in blue and black and purple and red.
Redrawing our minds so they cannot process the discrimination,
Painting over our tears so our feelings can be buried,
Manufacturing open legs when you want them,
Closed when you don't.
Erasing the lips we use to speak out,
Erasing the eyes we use to see all of this.

You think just because you held the brush,
Just because you created this monstrosity of a "masterpiece"
You get to claim ownership of this piece of artwork
That you blatantly disregard
Is my BODY.

The "fe" you tack onto "male"
Does not stand for Free Entry.
The "wo" you tack onto "man"
Does not stand for Wipe Out.

Women are barely able hold a pencil.
I was lucky to hold one long enough to draw myself
A conscience, a backbone, legs to stand on, and a mind.
We were only taught how to use the back end of that pencil
To erase our mouth and keep the secrets.
But these days the secrets are keeping themselves.

I will not be put in a glass case
You will not charge admission
To have people come and analyze me.
Buy me.
Give me value.
Categorize me.
Preserve me the way you created.

You are no artists.
You are vandals.
 May 2014 201
AJ
Society is just bitter because they haven't found someone like you.
With perfect imperfections helping me see what truly can be good, can be free.
Looking into your eyes, like looking into the sea.
Pure and moving and clean.
Your hands feel like home, please take me home.
Hold me with your stare, won't walk away, you paralyze me.
Please touch me like you do, tell me I'm your moon.
And whether or not you see it you are the most meaningful thing I know.
You're tragically beautiful.
From your lips to your soul.
And if i could live to be a hundred and three,
I hope to live a bit less then you will be.
So that I never have to be one second with you
 May 2014 201
AJ
This Is Disgusting
 May 2014 201
AJ
I could be rioting the abominations
Of homophobia and sexism.
Being an activist.
Helping changes occur.
Doing good for myself, my friends, the whole country.

And I'm here.
Studying rocks under a microscope
To fill a ******* lab requirement.
Doing psychology research.
WHICH MAKES NO SENSE BECAUSE I AM A MATH MAJOR.
Waking up every morning with more debt on my shoulders.

I could be out saving lives,
Or seeing the world
Or starting a family
Or creating things that bring people joy
Or making people happy
Or making changes.

And I'm here.
Picking a career field that will make me a lot of money
For the soul purpose of paying off my two hundred thousand dollars in student loans.
I didn't realize I had other options when I started school.
But I am in so financially deep right now
That I literally have NO other options.
This is how they get you, kids.
Don't follow in my footsteps.
Because you'll ******* hate your life.
 May 2014 201
AJ
I Swear to Goddess
 May 2014 201
AJ
There will always be dusty names in our address books,
That taste like regret and the last swig of ***** in the bottle.
I fear if I give them a ring
I'd just cry tears of nostalgia into the automated disconnection recording.
 May 2014 201
AJ
Twinkle Twinkle
 May 2014 201
AJ
I understand how you're always so uncomfortable.
You're a star
Trapped in this tiny frail little body.
I don't understand how you are not bursting at the seams.

I understand how you're always so sad.
You have an entire galaxy to get back to.
Gazillions of light years to explore,
And you're just stuck in this miniature bubble.

I understand how you're always so quiet.
If you opened your mouth
All of your light would come shining out and blind every.
You are very considerate for not doing so.
 May 2014 201
AJ
I did it, I did it.
 May 2014 201
AJ
I'm writing this only because I know you won't see it.
Because I let him touch me this time.
And this time I wasn't drunk.
And this time he didn't drug me.
This time he hit me instead.
Luckily I tripped on my way out the door
Just a few days later.
And I was able to chuck the bruises and blood
Up to that incident.

This time I got pregnant.
And this time I couldn't tell anyone.
And I couldn't tell you,
Because of us losing the last baby.
And now this one didn't even belong to you.
It didn't feel like it belonged to me either.
It just felt like his.
Like he robbed a bank
And used my insides as his hiding place.

I got rid of it.
Sam drove me.
It wasn't legal,
But I wasn't hurt.
It wasn't a smart decision,
I was very drunk.
I don't regret it.

I scrub my skin for an hour in the shower,
Every day.
But I couldn't scrub the insides.

I took eleven tests to be sure.
Never have I ever seen so many double lines.

It's been a few months.
This time I've just moved on.
The best way to forget is to never tell a soul.
 May 2014 201
AJ
Garden
 May 2014 201
AJ
When I first met you,
You has this smile on your face.
And I swear to god
I couldn't make this up if I tried,
But if you looked at the ground
The way you looked at me,
I promise you
At least four dozen flowers
Would have sprouted right up from the ground.
You were that magical.

But three months in,
And a bottle and a half of *****,
You hit me so hard,
That you left bite marks in my mind,
And scars on my heart composed of your fingerprints.

All the flowers have died.
 Jan 2014 201
KILLME
Untitled
 Jan 2014 201
KILLME
Sometimes
   I feel
   that its not okay
   to be sad

Sometimes
   I feel
   so angry
   because that's not fair

Most of the time
   honestly
   I don't even care
   at all
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