nana,

my love for you is immeasurable. i hold you with fierce love, packed into a brief and firm hug. i try to put all those years of pure love you've had for me and this entire family in a quick brush of my lips to your cheek. i hold you as if it was the last. i've never felt more joy than seeing you at the dinner table, smiling when i gave you some of the hot cocoa i made. hot cocoa, i know. it probably meant nothing to you, just another night at the dinner table. but in that moment, i understood.

i made that hot cocoa with love and i understood why you spent all those years on your feet, hunched over a huge *** of tinola. sinigang. mungo. pancit. i understood the love you put into everything you do, paralleling the love you have for this family.

i remember your face lighting up after taking that first sip. you're diabetic, believe me, i know. sugar is a privilege and your diet is strict. seeing you, with your hands wrapped around the mug and your smile lighting up your eyes. i saw youth. i saw happiness. you laughed. and i did too.

i know i haven't been the greatest granddaughter to you, and i'm sure i'll think of 500 ways i've wronged you in the future. but i just want to immortalize my sentiment, even if you'll never read this. i know i've strayed from tradition. i know i've took the opposite fork in the road. i know i'm not who you hoped i would be. but i also know that regardless you're still proud and that you love me. i just want you to know how much i love you too. and how i hope you understand. i love you.

you used to confide in me,
trusted me with the voice inside your head

but i gave you away and kept
your dreams of being a filmmaker
and the songs you used to strum on your guitar

i have the tendrils of your voice
reminding me of what we once were
and it hurts

tell me, please,
what am i supposed to do
with the stained glass memories
that still filter through my thoughts sometimes?

how do you deal
with someone who trusted
you with everything
but now
all you have
are
gilded memories
replayed one too many times?

you know what's sad?
you were my first love
before i even knew what love was
i remember you putting pictures in my cubby
and flowers from your mom's garden
i remember you puffing your chest
and asking my dad if you could take me out for ice cream
i remember you offering to push me on the swings
and trying to steal a kiss when i wasn't looking
i remember you leaving me behind
and me promising that i'd write you
but somewhere between the lines
i lied and you followed along

i'm sorry i didn't reciprocate and i guess i'm paying for it
for all of those times i've seen you in places
that you're really not.

i've had my heart broken
more by my own father
than any other boy

... and isn't that ****** up?

I'm a gaping void
A walking mannequin
On autopilot

I'm submerged in ice cold water
Numbing my lips
Icing my soul

My fingers yearn for your touch
And the breadth of loneliness
Reaches farther than my thoughts

Darling, it would take light years to reach you
But yet I still wait
Drifting
And waiting to be whole again

perfection is unattainable
and darling this is why
i'm unable
to utter the words
i love you
because of the lighting
or because of the aura
not being quite right

or maybe it’s the fact
that i know deep down
in my heart
that you’re not quite right for me.

no matter how crooked a tree gets
in the end it manages to grow straight
and i guess i kind of admire that
because that would mean there’s still hope
for someone like me.