Um
Anxiety. Pain. Fear.
Crippling me
A cocktail of narcotics
Succumbing me
Into blatant
Paralysis.
How can you feel
So much
Yet care
So little?

honey
how does it feel
to be sipping on that
cold brew
of coffee in the morning
and a cold steep
of tea at night
to parallel
the numb
and the cold
that radiates
through your bones
and spreads to your
spindly fingertips
hoping for reprieve

i want to love you
but from an arms distance

i don't want you close enough
to see the hairline cracks throughout
my body

i don't want you as collateral damage
when i shatter

i don't want you to cut yourself
picking up my pieces

because honey,
you don't deserve someone like me
and i don't deserve
someone like you.

how to bite the hand that feeds you
oh darling, i’m an expert at that
you slam the door in their face
when they ask you to let them in
and you hold your breath
when they say i love you on the telephone
you purse your lips into a perfect line
as their arms encircle you in a hug
and with their last breath they’ll tell you
they love you
and only then -
will you return the gesture
along with the regret
of years of neglect.

she tells herself it's much better
that these wine stained lips
are better that blood stained floors
and that these lapses in consciousness
are better than collapses on floors.

Wow never have I felt so truly alone. You were always kind of my safety net. No matter what I did I knew you would be there for me. That's why I kept you at a distance because our friendship would be preserved in all it's glory if I did so. But I didn't realize that you were drifting away. I didn't realize you would. I just always, depended on you. You were a constant in my life and now that I know that this immaculate friendship I tried so hard to preserve has been dirtied I don't know how to feel. Actually, I do. Disappointed. And guilty. For not saying that I'm sorry until now. Maybe I should have held you closer.