when i miss you
the longing makes a home under my skin.
drives pickaxes into my bones
and reminds the marrow
that i’ll never see you again
my skin crawls and my fingers grow cold
knowing i’ll never feel
the crepe-y skin
that felt like family
my nostrils burn
knowing they’ll never smell your scent
j’adore mixed with a little bit of menthol
your presence promised me a home
as long as the stove was burning
and there were people to gather around
the table at dinner
loneliness takes shelter
and wraps its spidery hands
around my vocal cords
insecurity whispers
into my ears
that it won’t be the same without you
that i’ll never feel okay without you
that i’ll never feel whole without you
as if going to church everyday and thinking of your steady voice and fervent Hail Marys weren’t enough to break me.
as if hearing the crack of peppercorns before dinner time wasn’t enough to bring me to my knees.
as if shards of ice don’t stab my heart when i hear the jingle of gold bangles on thing wrists
as if jealousy and rage doesn’t consume me everytime i see an old woman knowing that it’ll never be my Nana on the other side.
i see the farmer’s market and i hear you asking when the next time we’re going grocery shopping is.
i see a tablecloth and i see bright eyes alive with the thought of throwing a party.
i see a word search and i see the stains you left on the comforter when you forgot to cap your highlighter.
the worst part is,
is that i can still feel you
i can still feel the warmth of your hugs
i can still feel the mark you left on my heart
there’s no emptiness.
just constraint.
everything is just too much
knowing that
it’ll be a long time
before i can come home to you.